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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Do you really ever truly love them again?
scangel3
♀ Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm struggling lately, I know I love him, but it's not the same!!! Will you ever love our ws like we did before the A's, and if so how? How do you get past all the lies? The actual acts of the A are one thing, but the constant deceit is another. My story has an extra layer on it, my wh stopped loving me before his A started when I was dealing with PPD, and he's yet to love me still. I know why am I still here? My three beautiful babies are the answer to that.

It's not like we're miserable, we have good times, more then we use to. But deep inside sometimes I'm just sad! I want so much more!!! But I don't want to give up my family. I've struggled like this off and on since we've started to "R", but I can't get passed the love part.

I'm just so lost right now, I know 4 years ago this time I was so depressed, ready to walk out on my family and leave everyone behind, I didn't realize my husband had stopped loving me and given up on me, I was to deep in my PPD to see it. A month from now will be the 4 years from when the A started, (dday #1 wasn't until march 1st though).

When does all of this get better??? I know time is suppose to heal, and guess it has gotten better on some days, and yeah he tt'd for 3 years but the tt acts aren't what I'm struggling with, it's the lies and the Love issues that I'm stuck on!!! How long does one hold on for hope until just giving up?


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
TennisTC
♀ Member
Member # 41330
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can definitely relate to some of your questions, but unfortunately I don't have any real answers. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever love my H as much as I used to. I think I still do....the love is still there underneath....but on some level I'm holding back and trying not to love him as much because I don't want to get hurt again. I am hoping that if H continues being remorseful, proving himself trustworthy, and working to improve himself and our M that one day the fear of loving him completely will go away.

You say that your H stopped loving you before the A and is yet to love you again. I'm so sorry; that cannot be easy. Has he discussed this lack of love with you or is it something you are assuming based on his actions? How did he show you love prior to the A and your PPD ? Is he doing any of those same things now?

(((Scangel3)))


Me: BW Him: WH (Both early 30's)
Married 11 years with a DD7
DDay: 2-24-13
R'ing

Posts: 166 | Registered: Nov 2013
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not the way I did before the A.
It's still with me, the A, after all these years.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 468 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

same question here..
in the last two weeks I have realized that he will never change to the point that "I" want him too. I will have to accept him or move on. He'll never read a book, figure out his place in the drama triangle, find an article for me to read....
what he will do: probably remain faithful, take care of me financially, do loads of housework because he thinks that's my love language, fill my car with gas, do all sorts of maintenance stuff and take care of many kid issues....

I guess he cherishes and loves me this way.
I would like to be married to someone who can go toe to toe with me intimately... not sure if that person exists...


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4933 | Registered: Dec 2010
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you can love them again, but not in the same way that you did before. Some couples actually get closer after the A if they have a truely remorseful spouse who is willing to put in the time and effort. I think for most of us however that is not the case. I don't ever see me loving my WH#2 the way I did prior to his LTA. It crushed our intimacy with each other and I don't see us ever getting it back to what I thought it was before he ripped off my rose-colored glasses. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its different but I will tell you. I have been pretty sick the last several weeks. I am having lots of tests etc as they don't know what it is and it could be serious. FWH has stepped up. He is taking on some of the house stuff, going into work late, leaving work early, going to appointments with me, which is hard to do when you are military. He has really stepped up and shows me that he loves me and cares. The actions that he is showing tells me he loves me and makes me love him. So yes you can love them. His ONS and EA are apart of our history, ( not that I like that) but one we are trying to move past.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1629 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
hurtsobadinside
♂ Member
Member # 35308
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i wonder this too....its been 1-3/4 yrs since d-day...and i just do not feel the same....as i did before her "A"
Rachelc said it best and im identical to her in where i am at and how my heart of hearts feels..
she said
"I have realized that he will never change to the point that "I" want him too"

and i dont know if i can live like this..dont know if i will stay...? but i will give it more time...
and Rachelc also said
"I would like to be married to someone who can go toe to toe with me intimately... not sure if that person exists..."

they do exist....im that person

it takes work to be completely emotionally and physically intimate...and my former WW just doesnt get it...she would rather talk about her career than her feelings

WW never read any books either..refused to read them or any articles i printed from the healing library

me: 58
her WW- 57
7 yr LTA (PA & EA) with her former boss
one D-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB
married 25 yrs
in "R" and its been roller-coaster
D-day 3-13-12
confronted 6 wks later (dropped 35# in those 6 wks.and was hospitalized 2-days for chest pains)
I contacted AP's faithful wife outed their "A" (she knew nothing)and we both kept tabs on our waywards
True NO Contact- July 2012
Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT selfish, stubborn...lots of mal-adapted coping skills, no boundaries...you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly ...its a long road....and painful


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can truly say I love my husband more than I ever have. We are working thru this together. I found out the full truth in July/August of this year so am still working thru some very painful things but he is remorseful, owning everything and all in. We are more intimate emotionally and physically than we ever have been. YES, you can ever truly love them again.
There is hope & a much better future for you just beginning this journey.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 611 | Registered: Oct 2011
integritymatters
♀ Member
Member # 23681
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wh stopped loving me before his A started when I was dealing with PPD, and he's yet to love me still

I don't believe BS can ever feel "good" about their love for WS when they don't feel loved by WS.


I dropped my toast this morning and it landed butter side up! It's going to be a good day. :)

Posts: 1482 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Canada
tryingmybest2011
♀ Member
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, nope.


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 323 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have realized that he will never change to the point that "I" want him too. I will have to accept him or move on. He'll never read a book, figure out his place in the drama triangle, find an article for me to read....
what he will do: probably remain faithful, take care of me financially, do loads of housework because he thinks that's my love language, fill my car with gas, do all sorts of maintenance stuff and take care of many kid issues....
I guess he cherishes and loves me this way.

^^ This exactly!


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 967 | Registered: Oct 2012
scangel3
♀ Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 2:15 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for your replies. I just feel like I'm doing all the healing and growing and he's the same person he's always been minus the 9 months of the affair. And that's not a good feeling. I don't want to love him differently, and maybe that's wherei fail. I have grown so much over the past 4 years... I grew up, but he hasn't.

Then I read this on a reply...

"I would like to be married to someone who can go toe to toe with me intimately... not sure if that person exists..."

And that's another issue. I don't know that he will ever meet me toe to toe intimately. I feel like he will just never change, including his love for me, if he ever regains that.

He has told me he hasn't loved me since He stopped loving me during my ppd, but I look back and question if he stopped loving me long before they. Although he continued to say "I love you" until a year ago. I knew he hadn't meant it for awhile, and he was just saying it out of habit, only saying it when he was leaving or going to bed. He showed it no other way, and hasn't for a long time before that. When we did a trial in-house separation a year ago I told him not to say it unless he meant it. When we ended the in-house separation 6 months ago and started working on us, I told him not to say it unless he really truly meant it because I couldn't handle him lying about this after all the deceit would break me once and for all. I have said it a few times, but get so hurt when he doesn't reply back (and I don't expect it nor want it if it's not true). But it doesn't hurt any less.

I just want to be loved, cherished, wanted, and desired by my husband... like he did ow, (I never realized this last piece until I wrote it here). I am not sure though if he's capable of loving me the way I need to be loved to make me feel reassurance that he's with me forever.

Sorry if this is all over the place, I'm just trying to get it all out

[This message edited by scangel3 at 2:20 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 4:20 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh scange

It isn't your inability to love him, it's his inability to love you.

You are far too young to give your life up.I would not waste more time waiting for him to love you.

It killed me to read this, to live it must be devastating.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3801 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
scangel3
♀ Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

karmahappens... thanks for the reply, although it broke my heart!!!

Not in a bad way I suppose. It just made me really look at it.

I hate all of this crap we all have to go through!!!

I avoid this site lately, because we do "better" when I am not on here all of the time. I get to "forget" about the A and just pretend to be happy.

But what this site really does is makes his choices front an center daily for me as well as what I need to be doing for myself and my kids. Not his A, more his lack of love for me still to this day. Lately I come back when I have broken as far as I can break, and just need to talk with people that Get it. And all of you do!!!

I posted a new message in General, I was in the midst of a break down/panic attack screaming in my car, and wrote it all out. I have used writing/poetry to get through other rough times in my life, but haven't much for this. Fear of the pain I am assuming. But I did it, and it fealt great. It's quite long but to see all the pain I hold inside still 4 years later, is earth shattering and heart breaking!!! I haven't showed wh the "poem" yet, and not sure I should. It's pretty "mean" at points and heart renching. It's called "scream" if anyone wants to go find it. I just posted it a couple of minutes ago. Again though it is quite long.

I really appreciate all the support I get from all of you on here. Knowing I am not alone in this horrific tragedy that is my marriage,gives some comfort


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((scange))))

I am sorry SI makes it difficult, but we both know it's really the truth that makes it so hard.

Living a lie and pretending to be happy is no way to live. Trust me.

Find your happiness, true happy.

You deserve it.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 9:41 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3801 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
industriousbee
♀ Member
Member # 41324
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rachel c worded it perfectly. My WH is not doing what I want him to do in order for us to R. I don't know if I'm ok with that or not. Being a single mom with a toddler is not easy especially when I think of moments like last night when we were both sick with the flu and WH took care of us. I find myself asking the same question, will I ever love him the same again? I feel like I'm only saying it out of habit right now. It's so hard to mean it when I am still in so much pain.


Married 8 years
ME BS 30
HIM WS 33
DD 1.5 years old
DDAY 11-13-12

Posts: 116 | Registered: Nov 2013
1owner
♂ Member
Member # 41157
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never stopped loving my W at all, but, it is different. Not the blind, totally trusting love right now, instead, a more mature and responsible love, somewhat guarded for my own sake. I will never forget what she did, but I will recover and heal from it. I will reach that point of indifference.

We got to have a date night last night, something we don't get to do as much as we would like, and really enjoyed each other's company.

Don't know if this would help you or not, but we are exploring what made us fall in love so long ago (1994) and revisiting those things from today's perspective. When we were talking one night, I asked her after all of this, what did we have left? Her answer was that what we had was real, not the make believe of an A. So what makes it real? Working 5 or 6 days a week, doing homework with kids, maintaining a house, cars, yards, picking up milk, diapers, prescriptions, rubbing her feet when they hurt. Everyday life is real, we have to look for moments for ourselves to be with each other. Grab them when you can! A's are nothing but unicorn farts and fairy dust, they are not real love.


Posts: 198 | Registered: Oct 2013
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never stopped truly loving my FWH. Never.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9655 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never stopped loving her but not the way I did before the A.
I dont know if I will ever get back to that place or if it is even healthy. I just want the marriage I deserve. That is the focus I have now, a better M. I hope the love increases as a byproduct of that work.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Nov 2010
scangel3
♀ Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your replies, it's a big struggle, I feel like I deserve so much more!!!

We wwere talking last night about all the pain I was feeling and how yes I love him but as the father of my children, as a friend. I don't love him as a husband. I feel like I don't know who he is anymore. When we were talking it came up about our huge differences, that weren't so different when we got married. I would love to travel (a mission/volunteer thing in a 3rd world country) and be gone fora whole summer or move to Hawaii to finish my sociology degree, the reason I won't do either is my family... my mom, sister, and our kids, but honestly my wh not being able to do either of those is not holding me back, him not going with me (if I went) does not feel like a bad thing, it almost feels right. I don't know if it's the strength I've come into thru this whole process, knowing I could do this on my own and be ok, or if I'm just done fighting for a marriage I am not sure I really want anymore.

To be honest I think taking a "break" in another Country for a few weeks to a month would do me/us wonders. But my kids, the whole reason I'm still in this marriage to begin with, I just can't leave.


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
Topic Posts: 21
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