We are no longer in MC so I'm on my own with my healing. I'm a thinker, not a talker (I know that's been a lot of my problems before DD and somewhat since), so I've had time to search inside myself and try to figure who I am and what I want.
First, I do still love my fWW. I'm trying desperately to love her the way I used to, but I think that will come with time.
Second, I've let the OM go. I stopped wondering about him and worrying he will try to contact her. I no longer drive past his house/work or check his FB. HE IS NOBODY TO ME. (Now if I ever meet him face to face and he says something, I swear I'll punch him if the face but that's different)
Third, I finally realized the one I am (and should be) mad at is my fWW. SHe is the one that did this to us. She is showing regret and remorsefulness. SHe is loving and desperately wants me to heal.
Fourth, I've learned to control my mind movies and triggers. Yes they still happen and probably always will. (I hope they decrease) Most of the times, nobody knows it's happening, but if fWW is around I sometimes let her know. THEY NO LONGER CONTROL ME.
Fifth, Sex problems are decresing. Lately I've had feelings of sexual inferiority, but for the most part, I'm having very few sexual problems. We've worked through most of them, the rest should not be a problem.
I feel I have accepted the situation (shit sandwich) and am prepared to live with it. Her affair is now part of me. Who I am so to speak. It's part of my experiences and it has shaped me into who I am today. I'm beginning to like myself now, so while it wasn't a good thing she did...good things came of it.
There are a few things I wish my fWW would do. She is willing to do anything, but her effort doesn't last. I have to keep reminding her, which REALLY bugs me.
First, Read! She has only finished two books in 15 months. I have bought her three more and it's taken her 6 months to read one. SHe was an avid romance novel reader before. SHe'd read a book a weekend. Now, she won't read.
Second, Do something with her life. She is back to doing nothting during the day. SHe doesn't work, doesn't clean, doesn't do SAHM stuff except errands. She went to get trained as an EMT after the Affair (His and her plans for their future) but she hasn't gotten qualified so she can start working. She just watches TV and surfs the internet most of the day.
Third, Tell me she's sorry much more often. It happens occasionally. SHe tells me she loves me a lot, but I still need to hear she is sorry for what she did.
Fourth, Talk about the affair. SHe has NEVER EVER brought up the affair to talk about. It has always been me. I asked her to give me a synopsis of her past year of IC and status of 'why' during our next date night, but she has not planned the date in two months. I don't think she wants to talk about it.
Fifth, Be sexual. Initiate sex some times. Suggest exciting ways. Be part of it. She is very apprehensive during sex because of the difficulties I've had since DD. I appreciate that but sometimes I just want to sit back and enjoy it. Take the lead some times.
I had to get that out. Thanks for listening.