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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: In shock
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all your helpful advice. These past 2 days have been hell. I am so thankful I found this forum because it is the only thing keeping me sane. I am finally secure so that is one thing I am thankful for, I don't need my husband in that aspect. Our relationship will never be the same. I always thought we had this epic love and now, it's dead. I don't plan on making any decisions and just want to survive the next few days and help my children get their mother back.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
sudra
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You probably will need to communicate fairly soon regarding the kids. You might have one of the people you told talk to him and limit talking to texting only, and only about the kids and finances. Do not respond to anything else from him if you don't want to.

Read the 180 in The Healing Library.

Hang in there.


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1453 | Registered: Nov 2010
OakStreet
♀ Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AndreaL:

Just joined myself after an October Dday. Sorry you are here, but these forums and the advice are helpful.

I wrote my WH a letter and left town for a few days to get over my anger/pain. I asked him to write a letter in return (he was/is a horrible communicator). This was helpful for me and although WH agreed to MC, I insisted he go to IC as well to find out why he was such an A-hole.

I am still struggling with his betrayal. We haven't started MC yet but I also went for IC. It sure helps to have someone to talk to.

Good luck with all the trauma and drama that you are facing. It is not the most pleasant roller coaster ride.


Tell your WH you need some space!


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 376 | Registered: Nov 2013
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any of you guys feel humiliated by your betrayed spouse actions? I know I have nothing to be ashamed about, rather he does, but this still feels like my failure and shame to carry.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
shiloe
♀ Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any of you guys feel humiliated by your betrayed spouse actions?

Oh YES!! It's a horrible feeling. Like you are some fool to be used by them.

Does this other woman work with him?

Be cautious, he may say he wants you and his family but many times they just take the affair underground while acting like it is over.


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 586 | Registered: Mar 2003
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..so sorry you are here

..the impact of his betrayal is huge as you are at the centre of this earthquake.

..its effects then move outward to your children, your parents, your friends, his parents, his friends.. then his work associates who learn of his infidelity..

..but then too, with emotions running so high, it translates to his level of performance as an ER doctor!!!!

..can he, in his state of mind, be properly focused on the very critical job of saving lives on the ER operating table?

..should he be encouraged to take a leave of absence so that patients aren't put at risk due to his state of mind?

..I can't help but worry that he can't give 100% to his job and people could die.

I realize those people may not be paramount to your personal level of pain at this stage so forgive me for drawing it to your attention.

I completely empathize with your position. I can only hope your WH can rise above his personal level of distress to do his very important and critically demanding job.

sending you big hugs of support in coping with this nightmare.

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4119 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I ask......why did he just come out & confess on Sunday?

Also, I am so sorry to say that if he thought/thinks he was/is in "love" with her , spent many evenings at her home & helped "father" her son, then I very highly doubt they had sex only once.

They tell you this thinking it sounds better & will hurt you less if they don't let you know it was really every chance they got.

Is she married or in a relationship? If so, her BS needs to be told!! And are you sure it ended?

I am so sorry you are here though. But keep posting. This is such an awesome place to get great advice from people who have BTDT.


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
BH-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 207 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
storm77
♀ Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you are here.
Yes I did and still do feel shame and humiliation over WH actions. I think that is normal in the beginning.
Be sure to visit you DR to get tested for STD's. My Dr was the first and only person I told for a while.
Try to get some sleep. I used to need 8 hours a night. First couple of weeks I was sleeping maybe 2 a night. Eat if you can..if not drink lots of water.
Most importantly know you are not alone. Sending you hugs.


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 127 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
headdesk
♀ Member
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 2:28 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try to coast a bit through these tough days where you can - remember, all you need to get through is the next day or if that looks too daunting, then the next hour.

One thing to consider is to ask for a temporary nc to let you catch your breath. It's enough to wrap your brain around without the constant interruptions.

It is NEVER about you or you not 'being enough'. It is their issues that lead them to cheat.


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He confessed because I confronted him about being seen with the OW and her son last week. He cried and begged for me not to kick him out. I believe that he was only intimate with her once, or maybe I am being naive. My heart hurts. I am going to get tested for STD's today but don't believe that will be an issue, as he has been distant the past month. What hurts more than anything is that I believe he was or still is in love with her although the claims to love me. I feel so foolish.

I just feel my trust has been destroyed and don't see us coming back from this.

I am not worried about my husband messing up in the ER as he has this ability to separate all issues at home from his work life. I believe that is what got him into this mess. But who knows as this point, maybe I don't know him at all. I think he met the OW while working, she was a patient.

I could barely sleep last night...the images of the OW and him are haunting me.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any suggestions how to cope with the images of the WS and OW? I am obsessing. This can't be healthy. I want to track her down.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Sammy2013
♀ Member
Member # 41040
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((AndreaL))))

First, you are good enough. You are not the reason this happened. This was him.

Everything you are feeling is normal. I obsessed about the OW also. Only on day 2 of not looking her up online and following what she is doing. Everyone is right in saying to take care of you and your kids right now.

Make sure you eat what you can and drink. The first week is horrendous. Everyone says time, and I guess it does help. I'm barely over a month out of full disclosure. But I still cry everyday, feel sick, consume my mind with pictures of them together, etc. Try the picturing of a huge stop sigh in your mind when it happens. That helped me early on. It is all normal.

And the feeling of embarrassment is normal too. Although I don't understand it for the life of me. I am ashamed even though it doesn't make sense.

Take this a day at a time. Come here often, even if just to read. Do you have a support system around you? Friends, family, you can talk to? Someone to come over and make you shower (this was huge for me the first couple of days). Sleep sounds impossible, I know, but try. I didn't sleep for 2 days straight and it messed with me. I found I obsessed about OW more on those days. I finally broke down and took a Lunesta one night and was much clearer the next day.


WH -37; BS (me) 38
Married 12 years, 3 kiddos
First DDay 9/13. 3 more since then (trickle truth sucks). 6 years of Prostitutes, 2 affairs in 2013, SA diagnosis now with 1 relapse so far (massage parlor with happy ending 2/14).
Waiting, observing,

Posts: 208 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast United States
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Sammy2013 ☺

I have been crying for 3 days strait which canít be healthy. I just feel my self-esteem and trust is gone forever. I know logically I have nothing to be ashamed and embarrassed about, rather he does, but that is how I feel. Trying to put on a smile for my children, which is exhausting. I donít want them seeing their mother falling apart.

I have surrounded myself with my sister and my best friend who are being amazing. But I feel so lonely, especially after I put the kids to sleep. That is when I stare at myself in the mirror and question is this really my life. I guess this is my new reality. I am married to a cheater. I just don't understand why he resorted to this.

I canít sleep but I guess that is expected. I literally want to burn our bed and all of his clothing. I sound crazy. I plan on taking a sleeping aide to I can sleep finally, and maybe calm myself down.

Thanks to everyone for being so supportive.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
greengiant
♂ Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((AndreaL)))

I had my D-Days in September 30th, and I had the same feeling you have. This place really helped me. Writing my profile, starting a thread and having people share with me. Take care of yourself and the kids. If you can talk to someone you trust, it will help also. I found a coworker who I could talk to, and I am seeing a psychologist. The therapy's

As for the images, I still have movies and images of them. It is fading over time. Do not reject your emotions, or it will be worse later.

As for tracking her down, I had total black out. While being at work, I realized one time that I didn't knew what I had done for the last 10 minutes. Later, I found that I used those 10 minutes to get info on where the OM was living, and making plans so I could hurt him. One day, I realized that he was such a jerk, and did not deserve any attention from me. Ignorance would be the think that would hurt him the most.

So, I would resume bu reading the healing library, sharing here, finding a good book on the subject, talking to a friend, and therapy if you can afford this.


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks greengiant.

I am going to see a psychologist tomorrow as I think I am on the verge of cracking. To be honest, this board is the only thing keeping me sane and knowing I am not alone. My husband got the hint that he IS not going to be allowed back in the house which has made things a tad more bearable.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello AndreaL - so sorry you are here. None of us want to be here but we are glad that you were strong enough to join us and we are all here to help you any way we can.
First things first - we are all ashamed of our WS. We are all stunned that they did this. You are not alone.
Do not make any decisions at this time. You need time. Lots of time. I never would have believed my WS would have cheated on me - knew it wasn't in him to cheat, but he did. I never would have believed I would stay married to a cheater, but here I am, still married. Why? Don't know. Why did he cheat - well, there are hundreds of reasons why they do, but each has their own individual reason but the only thing I know for sure is: it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Their selfishness, their egos, their weaknesses and on and on and on.
So, my best advise is take your time before you decide anything - you're on an emotional roller coaster that is going to take you for an absolutely horrible ride for many many weeks - probably months and could easily be for a few years. I'm only 14 months in and I'm so tired of riding this coaster that I never wanted to board and sure as hell buy a ticket for. But, I know everyday brings different feelings and some days I'm telling myself to leave and other days I'm telling myself to stay. Give it time. TIME - it's such an ugly word right now, but honestly, it will get better - you will feel different - you will survive, but it takes TIME!!!

Posts: 1024 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Gotmegood
♀ Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Andrea- Along with all the other advise you have been getting from all who want to , and will support you, I have something specific to add. I wrote this to my betraying husband just today: rather than torturing myself over and over and over thinking and asking "why wasn't I good enough?", I will from this day forward ask only "why weren't YOU good enough to honor our relationship?" Do not beat yourself up any more, he's done a hell of a job doing that to you already. Take care, so so sorry you are here in this hell.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 447 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotmegood, thank you for your words of wisdom. All day I have been repeating 'why weren't YOU good enough to honor our relationship?'. I am getting to the point where I refuse to accept any blame for his infidelity, this was his decision, and his alone. He is taking the kids out tomorrow for dinner, but I told him I will not be home, and the babysitter will be acting as the buffer. I just can't face him. I always thought he was the love of my life and vice versa, but who the knows if that was ever true. I am starting to wonder did I ever love himÖmy emotions are all over the board. Thanks for all the words of support.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Andrea,

Hugs to you!! We are here when you need us.


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
BH-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 207 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband just cancelled on taking the kids out dinner. He hasn't seen them in 5 days. My 2 year old keeps asking where daddy is. I hate my husband, I really do. I am going to see a lawyer this afternoon. I have made no decisions yet, but want to see all my available options. I have no real evidence against him, as he confessed to me, so I am worried how this going to play out.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 121
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