Update: attempting to reconcile
Read the 180 in The Healing Library.
Hang in there.
Just joined myself after an October Dday. Sorry you are here, but these forums and the advice are helpful.
I wrote my WH a letter and left town for a few days to get over my anger/pain. I asked him to write a letter in return (he was/is a horrible communicator). This was helpful for me and although WH agreed to MC, I insisted he go to IC as well to find out why he was such an A-hole.
I am still struggling with his betrayal. We haven't started MC yet but I also went for IC. It sure helps to have someone to talk to.
Good luck with all the trauma and drama that you are facing. It is not the most pleasant roller coaster ride.
Tell your WH you need some space!
Did any of you guys feel humiliated by your betrayed spouse actions?
Oh YES!! It's a horrible feeling. Like you are some fool to be used by them.
Does this other woman work with him?
Be cautious, he may say he wants you and his family but many times they just take the affair underground while acting like it is over.
..the impact of his betrayal is huge as you are at the centre of this earthquake.
..its effects then move outward to your children, your parents, your friends, his parents, his friends.. then his work associates who learn of his infidelity..
..but then too, with emotions running so high, it translates to his level of performance as an ER doctor!!!!
..can he, in his state of mind, be properly focused on the very critical job of saving lives on the ER operating table?
..should he be encouraged to take a leave of absence so that patients aren't put at risk due to his state of mind?
..I can't help but worry that he can't give 100% to his job and people could die.
I realize those people may not be paramount to your personal level of pain at this stage so forgive me for drawing it to your attention.
I completely empathize with your position. I can only hope your WH can rise above his personal level of distress to do his very important and critically demanding job.
sending you big hugs of support in coping with this nightmare.
Also, I am so sorry to say that if he thought/thinks he was/is in "love" with her , spent many evenings at her home & helped "father" her son, then I very highly doubt they had sex only once.
They tell you this thinking it sounds better & will hurt you less if they don't let you know it was really every chance they got.
Is she married or in a relationship? If so, her BS needs to be told!! And are you sure it ended?
I am so sorry you are here though. But keep posting. This is such an awesome place to get great advice from people who have BTDT.
One thing to consider is to ask for a temporary nc to let you catch your breath. It's enough to wrap your brain around without the constant interruptions.
It is NEVER about you or you not 'being enough'. It is their issues that lead them to cheat.
I just feel my trust has been destroyed and don't see us coming back from this.
I am not worried about my husband messing up in the ER as he has this ability to separate all issues at home from his work life. I believe that is what got him into this mess. But who knows as this point, maybe I don't know him at all. I think he met the OW while working, she was a patient.
I could barely sleep last night...the images of the OW and him are haunting me.
First, you are good enough. You are not the reason this happened. This was him.
Everything you are feeling is normal. I obsessed about the OW also. Only on day 2 of not looking her up online and following what she is doing. Everyone is right in saying to take care of you and your kids right now.
Make sure you eat what you can and drink. The first week is horrendous. Everyone says time, and I guess it does help. I'm barely over a month out of full disclosure. But I still cry everyday, feel sick, consume my mind with pictures of them together, etc. Try the picturing of a huge stop sigh in your mind when it happens. That helped me early on. It is all normal.
And the feeling of embarrassment is normal too. Although I don't understand it for the life of me. I am ashamed even though it doesn't make sense.
Take this a day at a time. Come here often, even if just to read. Do you have a support system around you? Friends, family, you can talk to? Someone to come over and make you shower (this was huge for me the first couple of days). Sleep sounds impossible, I know, but try. I didn't sleep for 2 days straight and it messed with me. I found I obsessed about OW more on those days. I finally broke down and took a Lunesta one night and was much clearer the next day.
I have been crying for 3 days strait which canít be healthy. I just feel my self-esteem and trust is gone forever. I know logically I have nothing to be ashamed and embarrassed about, rather he does, but that is how I feel. Trying to put on a smile for my children, which is exhausting. I donít want them seeing their mother falling apart.
I have surrounded myself with my sister and my best friend who are being amazing. But I feel so lonely, especially after I put the kids to sleep. That is when I stare at myself in the mirror and question is this really my life. I guess this is my new reality. I am married to a cheater. I just don't understand why he resorted to this.
I canít sleep but I guess that is expected. I literally want to burn our bed and all of his clothing. I sound crazy. I plan on taking a sleeping aide to I can sleep finally, and maybe calm myself down.
Thanks to everyone for being so supportive.
I had my D-Days in September 30th, and I had the same feeling you have. This place really helped me. Writing my profile, starting a thread and having people share with me. Take care of yourself and the kids. If you can talk to someone you trust, it will help also. I found a coworker who I could talk to, and I am seeing a psychologist. The therapy's
As for the images, I still have movies and images of them. It is fading over time. Do not reject your emotions, or it will be worse later.
As for tracking her down, I had total black out. While being at work, I realized one time that I didn't knew what I had done for the last 10 minutes. Later, I found that I used those 10 minutes to get info on where the OM was living, and making plans so I could hurt him. One day, I realized that he was such a jerk, and did not deserve any attention from me. Ignorance would be the think that would hurt him the most.
So, I would resume bu reading the healing library, sharing here, finding a good book on the subject, talking to a friend, and therapy if you can afford this.
I am going to see a psychologist tomorrow as I think I am on the verge of cracking. To be honest, this board is the only thing keeping me sane and knowing I am not alone. My husband got the hint that he IS not going to be allowed back in the house which has made things a tad more bearable.
Hugs to you!! We are here when you need us.