Update: attempting to reconcile
But one would think he would want to spend time with his kids, huh?
Hope things turn around for you. I would be so enraged about his lack of care for the children's well being.
On my home, I see my husband siting in his car outside our house. No idea why. I told him in no certain terms, to stay away. Otherwise, I would go the ER and demand an STD test in front of all his coworkers. And I would do it. I am so angry with him at the moment. The babysitter told me he did not ring the doorbell, but had been out there awhile. I see that he left me a letter in the mailbox, but I am to hurt to read it. The nights are the worse, I feel so lonely and I breakdown crying after I have put the kids to bed. I just want this pit in my stomach to go away. I also feel so self-conscious when I am out in public as if people are laughing at me. He has shattered me completely. To think this is a man I have dated since I was a freshman in college.
I am so so sorry. Sending a big hug your way.
Have you really talked to him at all since this all went down or did you just ask him to give you time? It sounds like he is desperate to talk to you. But I also totally understand how after this kind of hurt & betrayal, you really cant stand the sight of them. I cant remember how long it took me to not have the strong desire to bash his face in when we spoke. But mine involved physical abuse which took presedence over his cheating.
Is there chance for you to reconsile? Or is this a deal breaker for you? If you think you may want to R, it may help you to talk to him!?!?!! But he needs to step back if not & give you the space you need.
We are here for you whenever you need us....even just to vent!!
I think my husband does realize how much has to loose but I canít make this better for him. I donít even know if I LOVE him still, (is that also normal????). I just donít see how I could EVER EVER EVER trust him again. I know I am a strong person, but this may be to much to overcome. He just tossed our whole family out the window, for what? That is what I donít understand. Maybe I never will.
He is consuming my thoughts and I am replaying every time he worked late for the past 2 months. What a fool I was, such a trusting wife. That is what hurts the most. He played me and I LET him. I hate myself most of all, for trusting a man like this. He is the father of my children and dissed his own children so BAD. I am fortunate that I am surrounded by friends and family, most of them are in shock. His mother called me crying but I just canít talk to her.
My sister and her husband took the kids for the day so I could have a breather, but I just feel even lonelier. I have no idea what I am going to do. I am in a panic because the holidays are coming up, and this could make the situation even worse.
Maybe it will help you to talk to him & tell him how you are feeling & what devastation this has caused???
Maybe you should think what you want to happen if you D. What would life look like? Contact with your WH, custody, holidays and so on. How would you want it to all look? What do you imagine D is like?
Then imagine what R would be like. What would you expect of him? What would be the ups and downs. What would you need to build trust, what could he do to make you feel loved and respected again?
Which of those scenarios could you live with? They're not going to be entirely accurate as none of us really knows what's in store with changes that big but it will give you an idea.
I want to add that if he wants to R then he really should be taking action. Harassing you and sitting in the driveway isn't action, it's manipulation. Action would be giving you his phone and login info for all accounts. It would be asking to be transferred away from OW. It would be asking you what YOU need instead of focusing on himself. And it damn well wouldn't be bailing on your kids, especially after playing daddy to OWs child. That just disgusts me.
ETA- you don't have to worry about what shape he's in. He's a grown man who makes his choices and can deal with the consequences of those choices. How he's dealing with the fallout of HIS choices is not something you should own.
[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 11:08 AM, December 8th (Sunday)]
Couldnt have said it better!!
Hope you're doing OK today!?!?
It is probably time for you to talk to him. You will have to at some point, to work out child care, support, and finances. I would suggest that if you have your separation papers drawn up, that you go ahead and have him served. Then give it a day or two, and contact him via text to tell him that you will meet with him at a place of your choosing (not at your house) to talk about child care, support, finances, or whatever else you want to talk about. Ask your relatives to take the children so they are not involved. And then get this talk over with.
Remember, if he starts being an ass, you can get up and walk away, which is the reason to not have this at your house. If he tries to derail the conversation, you can tell him that you are here to talk about X, Y, & Z only and again, walk away if necessary. You set the tone, you set the agenda, and if there is any fuss, walk and/or tell him that all further contact will be through your lawyer. Be strong, now is not the time to appear weak.
And if for whatever reason, you feel like extending the possibility of reconciliation to him at some point, make him earn his way back into your house by actions, not words or promises. Because you know what his ďwordĒ is worth. Nada.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
sending you "HUGS" and strength to get through this horrific mess and pain like you have never felt before Your wayward husband made the decision for you....he took your vote away..and voted for you....
he is "broken"...he has poor mal-adapted coping skills, he is selfish and needs to put in the work to dig deep within himself to learn his reasons and explain it to you..thats the only way he will fix himself.
Do not make any major decisions at this time. I suggest you read the Shirley Glass book "Not Just Friends" its a wonderful and extremely helpful book to not only help you but if you decide to "R", have your WH read and help him. ... amazon has it..go here to the healing library also....
All the emotions and feelings you are experiencing are normal...we all as faithful spouses went thru the excact same things
the pain is excruciating....
and...yes same as you ..i felt humiliated, i felt embarassed especially as a man, i felt pain in my "Heart of Hearts" like i had never before experienced...and the mind pictures....still show up and im 21 months out from d-day
Eat..stay hydrated ,exercize and get into IC....get a therapist that specializes in infidelity..and more importantly that therapist doesnt belive the affair is to be blamed on the faithful spouse. Get into MC if you decide to "R" and he needs "IC".
My Dr. prescribed lexapro to help me cope and it did help. I took Advil PM to sleep...it helped and is not habit forming as prescription sleep-drugs are.
I got 3 tickets from the camera stop light tickets..and didnt even remember driving thru the lights when they were "RED".
I dropped 35# in 6 weeks after my D-day and also was hospitalized for 2 days with severe chest pains (i thought i was having a heart attack)
I did not toss her out, I did not paint black "X"s over her face on all our pictures..although I did have the can of spray paint in my hand several times. Having her in the house and see my pain and experience it first hand helped us in "R".
The good news is does get better...but takes time and SI has been wonderful for me. Your new friends will help you. Come here often and post often. Most importantly, marriages can and do survive infidelity..and can become better/stronger then they were before, but it takes a lot of hard work. Life is a journey, but the most difficutly journey is the journey within ourselves.
once again...sending you hugs and strength..
her WW- 57
7 yr LTA (PA & EA) with her former boss
one D-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB
married 25 yrs
in "R" and its been roller-coaster
confronted 6 wks later (dropped 35# in those 6 wks.and was hospitalized 2-days for chest pains)
I contacted AP's faithful wife outed their "A" (she knew nothing)and we both kept tabs on our waywards. My friends @ SI prompted me to advise AP's faithful spouse
True NO Contact- July 2012
Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT selfish, stubborn...lots of mal-adapted coping skills, no boundaries...you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly ...its a long road....and painful
For some reason I keep thinking it would help you both to get together now that a week has passed & talk, set some boundaries together, & get an idea on if R or D is the way to go.
BUT.....only you truly know if you are ready for that or want it, so don't let us pressure that decision.
And please dont get me wrong. I think you have done absolutely great since all this went down. You had (as they say here) your "bitch boots" on from day one & I think that is needed for some WS to start the defogging immediately & I would've done the same as you.
As for him, no you shouldn't have to worry about how he is doing right now, but totally understand that you do. But this is his consequences for his big fuck-up so its hard to feel too bad for him. This has been very good for him & the situation he put himself in, IMHO. And I hope for everyone's sake, that he is able to do all & everything that is needed to fix this mess.
Whatever you decide, we are here for you.
Sending hugs & strength your way!!!!
I spent the whole day with my kids out Christmas shopping and I think they had a great time, which made me feel better.
I have no idea how I feel towards ĎRí or ĎDí; each time I think about either of them I start crying. I have known this man since I was 18 and I just canít wrap my head around this whole thing. I am disgusted by him, and his playing Ďdaddyí to the OW son and THAT is what I donít understand.
I donít know if I can live my life with always being worried about checking his emails, phone logs, mileage on car. Some days I think ĎDí would be easier but I am so confused. I know trust can be rebuilt, but I donít know how to even begin. I am so angry, and he is so consumed by HIS actions and not focusing on me, not a great indicator for ĎRí. I mean he loved this woman, not a great indicator for our future as a couple either.
I am debating calling him and maybe meeting for coffee tomorrow (as some of you have suggested). See what he has to say. I donít really see what else he has to say as he confessed his affair. I have such an urge to punch him and make him feel my pain. I want him to suffer. I told him he can text me whenever he wants IF it is concerning the children. He hasnít seen them in a week! A week! He cancelled dinner on Friday with them, so on top of being a spineless bastard, he is a shitty father. I wonder what all the Drís in the hospital would think of him nowÖthe NC has made my life so much easier but I know I cant continue on like this.