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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: In shock
Completelybroken
♀ Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband worked in the ER during his A- it is a nest of infidelity and we knew it but my H told me he would never do what everyone else was- besides he was "saving lives everyday" and seeing horrible things no one else but co workers can understand. ( his A was with a coworker) After some marriage counseling he has learned his ability to separate things in his mind (which is great for the job) but horrible for family life is one of the things that led to his A.
He still works in the hospital but not in patient care anymore mainly bc he can no longer separate those parts of his life so your husbands work can be affected.
Feel free to PM me if you need to.


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Completelybroken. I don't have PM privileges yet as I just joined, but I have so many questions for you. I just don't feel I can ever trust my husband, its not like he can stop working as a doctor, and at this point, I don't see myself EVER being able to forgive him. But I acting on pure emotions at the moment, so my feelings change day to day. I have heard the ER was always very 'affair' prone but always believed we were different. We have been together forever. I was so naive.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 226 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds to me like he was using the take kids out in hopes of getting to you. And then you told him you wouldnt be around so changed his mind???

But one would think he would want to spend time with his kids, huh?


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 219 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly! What type of man doesn't want to see his children. I'm just so mad. I am about to meet with the lawyer. I hope he has some good advice on how to proceed.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 226 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
PricklePatch
♀ Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Andrea,

Hope things turn around for you. I would be so enraged about his lack of care for the children's well being.

stay strong!


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 315 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending hugs & strength your way for your visit to lawyer.


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 219 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I met with the lawyer and I wish I had brought one of my friends with me, so much information to process. I think I am going for an official separation; have any of you guys done that? I just want something officially in writing. I am not worried about the money aspect, as even thought I am a stay at home mom, I have my own money. I am more worried about the children and what will happen. He already cancelled dinner tonight with them, maybe to hang out with his new family.

On my home, I see my husband siting in his car outside our house. No idea why. I told him in no certain terms, to stay away. Otherwise, I would go the ER and demand an STD test in front of all his coworkers. And I would do it. I am so angry with him at the moment. The babysitter told me he did not ring the doorbell, but had been out there awhile. I see that he left me a letter in the mailbox, but I am to hurt to read it. The nights are the worse, I feel so lonely and I breakdown crying after I have put the kids to bed. I just want this pit in my stomach to go away. I also feel so self-conscious when I am out in public as if people are laughing at me. He has shattered me completely. To think this is a man I have dated since I was a freshman in college.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 226 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Andrea, hon,

I am so so sorry. Sending a big hug your way.

Have you really talked to him at all since this all went down or did you just ask him to give you time? It sounds like he is desperate to talk to you. But I also totally understand how after this kind of hurt & betrayal, you really cant stand the sight of them. I cant remember how long it took me to not have the strong desire to bash his face in when we spoke. But mine involved physical abuse which took presedence over his cheating.

Is there chance for you to reconsile? Or is this a deal breaker for you? If you think you may want to R, it may help you to talk to him!?!?!! But he needs to step back if not & give you the space you need.

We are here for you whenever you need us....even just to vent!!


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 219 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am all over the map on what I am going to do (which I think is normal?). This 'thing' is like a knife to my heart, and it is the emotional aspect of the affair that is torturing me. He thought he loved this woman? And had begun playing daddy to her son. That is what keeps me up at night. Maybe, just maybe, I could forgive the physical aspect (which he claims was just once), but the EA aspect, I just donít know.

I think my husband does realize how much has to loose but I canít make this better for him. I donít even know if I LOVE him still, (is that also normal????). I just donít see how I could EVER EVER EVER trust him again. I know I am a strong person, but this may be to much to overcome. He just tossed our whole family out the window, for what? That is what I donít understand. Maybe I never will.

He is consuming my thoughts and I am replaying every time he worked late for the past 2 months. What a fool I was, such a trusting wife. That is what hurts the most. He played me and I LET him. I hate myself most of all, for trusting a man like this. He is the father of my children and dissed his own children so BAD. I am fortunate that I am surrounded by friends and family, most of them are in shock. His mother called me crying but I just canít talk to her.

My sister and her husband took the kids for the day so I could have a breather, but I just feel even lonelier. I have no idea what I am going to do. I am in a panic because the holidays are coming up, and this could make the situation even worse.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 226 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is sitting in his car again and just waiting outside the house. I have no idea what to do. I'm not going to call the cops but this is not helping things.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 226 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Tawnee1969
♀ Member
Member # 12358
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe you can call one of his friends or his parents to either call him and tell him to leave or to come and get him.


Is the f*cking you're getting, worth the f*cking you're getting?

Posts: 660 | Registered: Oct 2006
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about just text him & asks what he wants?

Maybe it will help you to talk to him & tell him how you are feeling & what devastation this has caused???


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 219 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I landed up texting him and asking him to leave. I wrote 'please respect me enough to honour what I want'. He left. But a common friend of ours called me and told me he's a mess. Like he is falling apart. So I have no idea what to do? On top of dealing with his infidelity, I now have to worry that he is in bad shape?? Its officially been a week since he confessed, I am only getting angrier.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 226 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, everything you're feeling is normal. I've felt these things, just about everyone here has. Don't let that worry ever get to your head and heart. You feel what you feel. If you did feel things outside the realm of normal, who cares. This isn't a normal situation.

Maybe you should think what you want to happen if you D. What would life look like? Contact with your WH, custody, holidays and so on. How would you want it to all look? What do you imagine D is like?

Then imagine what R would be like. What would you expect of him? What would be the ups and downs. What would you need to build trust, what could he do to make you feel loved and respected again?

Which of those scenarios could you live with? They're not going to be entirely accurate as none of us really knows what's in store with changes that big but it will give you an idea.

I want to add that if he wants to R then he really should be taking action. Harassing you and sitting in the driveway isn't action, it's manipulation. Action would be giving you his phone and login info for all accounts. It would be asking to be transferred away from OW. It would be asking you what YOU need instead of focusing on himself. And it damn well wouldn't be bailing on your kids, especially after playing daddy to OWs child. That just disgusts me.

ETA- you don't have to worry about what shape he's in. He's a grown man who makes his choices and can deal with the consequences of those choices. How he's dealing with the fallout of HIS choices is not something you should own.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 11:08 AM, December 8th (Sunday)]


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is very normal to hate them at this time. How could you not? What he has done to you - to the children - to your marriage. It's abominable.
I think you need to talk to your WS. Hear what he has to say. Possibly, this has kick started him into facing reality. You cannot make any decisions until you talk to him and see where he is at. He might have some answers now that he didn't have this time last week. Sometimes losing something that you had taken for granted makes you realize how important that thing is to you. I don't mean to be hard on you because you are going through something that is so horrible, and no one should have to endure, but unfortunately, here you are. I feel that right now you are just not in a place to make an informed decision on anything. You are still so raw and in so much pain. Take your time. There is no rush.


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1325 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second what Holly-isis said.

Couldnt have said it better!!

Hope you're doing OK today!?!?


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 219 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs))) You've done very, very well up to now. You really have. I admire your going immediately to NC and enforcing that. So many people allow themselves to be strung along and by doing so, give away their power. But you stood up tall and booted him out the door. It may not feel like it, but you took a lot of your power back right at that moment, and having enforced your NC demands, you have demanded respect from your WH that he may not have given you, had you not shown your strength. Loving them back just doesn't work. It allows them to walk all over your bleeding heart again and again. Being strong and enforcing consequences for their shitty decisions and choices, builds your power.

It is probably time for you to talk to him. You will have to at some point, to work out child care, support, and finances. I would suggest that if you have your separation papers drawn up, that you go ahead and have him served. Then give it a day or two, and contact him via text to tell him that you will meet with him at a place of your choosing (not at your house) to talk about child care, support, finances, or whatever else you want to talk about. Ask your relatives to take the children so they are not involved. And then get this talk over with.

Remember, if he starts being an ass, you can get up and walk away, which is the reason to not have this at your house. If he tries to derail the conversation, you can tell him that you are here to talk about X, Y, & Z only and again, walk away if necessary. You set the tone, you set the agenda, and if there is any fuss, walk and/or tell him that all further contact will be through your lawyer. Be strong, now is not the time to appear weak.

And if for whatever reason, you feel like extending the possibility of reconciliation to him at some point, make him earn his way back into your house by actions, not words or promises. Because you know what his ďwordĒ is worth. Nada.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4943 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
hurtsobadinside
♂ Member
Member # 35308
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Andrea.....

sending you "HUGS" and strength to get through this horrific mess and pain like you have never felt before Your wayward husband made the decision for you....he took your vote away..and voted for you....

he is "broken"...he has poor mal-adapted coping skills, he is selfish and needs to put in the work to dig deep within himself to learn his reasons and explain it to you..thats the only way he will fix himself.

Do not make any major decisions at this time. I suggest you read the Shirley Glass book "Not Just Friends" its a wonderful and extremely helpful book to not only help you but if you decide to "R", have your WH read and help him. ... amazon has it..go here to the healing library also....

All the emotions and feelings you are experiencing are normal...we all as faithful spouses went thru the excact same things

the pain is excruciating....
and...yes same as you ..i felt humiliated, i felt embarassed especially as a man, i felt pain in my "Heart of Hearts" like i had never before experienced...and the mind pictures....still show up and im 21 months out from d-day

Eat..stay hydrated ,exercize and get into IC....get a therapist that specializes in infidelity..and more importantly that therapist doesnt belive the affair is to be blamed on the faithful spouse. Get into MC if you decide to "R" and he needs "IC".

My Dr. prescribed lexapro to help me cope and it did help. I took Advil PM to sleep...it helped and is not habit forming as prescription sleep-drugs are.

I got 3 tickets from the camera stop light tickets..and didnt even remember driving thru the lights when they were "RED".

I dropped 35# in 6 weeks after my D-day and also was hospitalized for 2 days with severe chest pains (i thought i was having a heart attack)

I did not toss her out, I did not paint black "X"s over her face on all our pictures..although I did have the can of spray paint in my hand several times. Having her in the house and see my pain and experience it first hand helped us in "R".

The good news is does get better...but takes time and SI has been wonderful for me. Your new friends will help you. Come here often and post often. Most importantly, marriages can and do survive infidelity..and can become better/stronger then they were before, but it takes a lot of hard work. Life is a journey, but the most difficutly journey is the journey within ourselves.

once again...sending you hugs and strength..

me: 58
her WW- 57
7 yr LTA (PA & EA) with her former boss
one D-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB
married 25 yrs
in "R" and its been roller-coaster
D-day 3-13-12
confronted 6 wks later (dropped 35# in those 6 wks.and was hospitalized 2-days for chest pains)
I contacted AP's faithful wife outed their "A" (she knew nothing)and we both kept tabs on our waywards. My friends @ SI prompted me to advise AP's faithful spouse
True NO Contact- July 2012
Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT selfish, stubborn...lots of mal-adapted coping skills, no boundaries...you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly ...its a long road....and painful


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. I hadn't read what "devasted30" wrote. Cuz I totally agree with them too.

For some reason I keep thinking it would help you both to get together now that a week has passed & talk, set some boundaries together, & get an idea on if R or D is the way to go.

BUT.....only you truly know if you are ready for that or want it, so don't let us pressure that decision.

And please dont get me wrong. I think you have done absolutely great since all this went down. You had (as they say here) your "bitch boots" on from day one & I think that is needed for some WS to start the defogging immediately & I would've done the same as you.

As for him, no you shouldn't have to worry about how he is doing right now, but totally understand that you do. But this is his consequences for his big fuck-up so its hard to feel too bad for him. This has been very good for him & the situation he put himself in, IMHO. And I hope for everyone's sake, that he is able to do all & everything that is needed to fix this mess.

Whatever you decide, we are here for you.

Sending hugs & strength your way!!!!


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 219 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for everyone for being so supportive. This past week has been hell and this forum has kept me functioning.

I spent the whole day with my kids out Christmas shopping and I think they had a great time, which made me feel better.

I have no idea how I feel towards ĎRí or ĎDí; each time I think about either of them I start crying. I have known this man since I was 18 and I just canít wrap my head around this whole thing. I am disgusted by him, and his playing Ďdaddyí to the OW son and THAT is what I donít understand.

I donít know if I can live my life with always being worried about checking his emails, phone logs, mileage on car. Some days I think ĎDí would be easier but I am so confused. I know trust can be rebuilt, but I donít know how to even begin. I am so angry, and he is so consumed by HIS actions and not focusing on me, not a great indicator for ĎRí. I mean he loved this woman, not a great indicator for our future as a couple either.

I am debating calling him and maybe meeting for coffee tomorrow (as some of you have suggested). See what he has to say. I donít really see what else he has to say as he confessed his affair. I have such an urge to punch him and make him feel my pain. I want him to suffer. I told him he can text me whenever he wants IF it is concerning the children. He hasnít seen them in a week! A week! He cancelled dinner on Friday with them, so on top of being a spineless bastard, he is a shitty father. I wonder what all the Drís in the hospital would think of him nowÖthe NC has made my life so much easier but I know I cant continue on like this.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 226 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 121
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