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Newest Member: Highlanderlady (45437)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: In shock
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to everyone for their kind words. I had a rough night last night, but woke up feeling 'better', as good as I can feel considering the situation.

I am going to email my WS today and tell him that he needs to get into IC. Also, I am going to focus on myself, I realised last night, that I have the ability to be happy, my WS does not control me. So I am going to get the house ready for Christmas. I also will be asking him to write a NC to the homewrecker.

To all those who commented on my husband being in love with the OW, you have given me so much clarity. I am starting to think it was lust or an infatuation. I know they are just words, and my husband and I have life together….but yet him saying those words to someone else is a knife to my heart. I am hopeful that the fact he confessed the affair is him coming out of the fog.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 234 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TIME. It changes everything. Take your time and really think things through. You don't have to decide anything yet. Thinking about you and hoping you have a better day today.


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I am sitting here thinking and wondering if I can ever trust my WS again. I just don't see how I could…I mean, even if he gives me all access to his life, I just don't see it. I just don't see how I can R with no trust...


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 234 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
PricklePatch
♀ Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me there was no trust in the beginning. I made several requirements to recover. Including transparency, on demand polygraph, and post nip. Also IC, Mc etc. Those things didnt bring trust, time and consistency has. Will there ever be that innocent trust again, no. However there is a new maturity in our marriage. Is he perfect, no. There is no acting out.


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 318 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
lynnm1947
♀ Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AndreaL, I sent you a PM.


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7305 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Back to time again. I think if your WS does everything right and is really, truly remorseful then over time, trust will come back little by little.


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to everyone for responding. This forum is the only thing from keeping me from totally cracking. You guys really are making a difference in helping me process things.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 234 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Hoops
♀ Member
Member # 22721
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Andrea))

Hope you are doing well today, it is a long road.

Kudos to you Andrea. You need to be the poster woman for "How to do the 180" and NC.

I wish I had done what you did!!

To answer one question, you will never trust him the same again, ever. If you choose to R, it will be different. I have never, in my 5 years here, seen anyone say the trust ever returned the way it had been before. There are a number who have sucessfully R'ed and appear to be happy though it will always be there as part of their past.

On the R side of things, you are one of the few who I beleive might have a chance at a sucessful R because your WH immediatly became remorseful. I believe that is the one indicator to the only true (lasting) possibility to have a sucessful marriage.

The choice is totally yours and whatever you choose is going to be the right one. Either one is right for different reasons. Each will lead you down a different path in life.

I am 5 years post DD (almost to the day). I spent a year trying (he didnt) and in hindsight it was "wasted" time. Then divorced and moved on. Two months ago I re-married someone I met 15months ago. I could not be happier. I have never ever trusted anyone like I trust him. I have never gotten along and respected anyone this much either. It is all so very easy and we are definatley the right people for one another. I am here because of the choices my exH and I made and, even with all the pain I went through, I would not change any of it because it all brought me where I am today and made me the person I am now.

If (god forbid) it should happen again, I would walk away. This time I know I could survive and move forward. But these are the lessons learned and who I have become.

I hope your days are getting better. Things do get better, there are a LOT of us who can vouch for this!!!


BW (Me) 44
W(ex)H 46 .... SA, Alcoholic, compulsive liar
DD 12-03-08
Divorced: 9-14-10
Now: Happily married to a great guy who has the same birthday as my DD! Ironic. Now it is just my husband's birthday.

Posts: 295 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Va
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Hoops for your kinds words.

Everyday is a roller coaster of emotions, most people think that because my husband confessed and had immediate remorse, is a good sign for R. I don't know. I am obsessed with the fact that he loved or thought he loved this woman. Although, I believe that was the fog. Who knows? I realize everyday I now less and less about the man I married.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 234 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
PricklePatch
♀ Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New relation energy, that high of a new person flattering and the willingness of the affair can make them believe false emotions. This is the fog.


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 318 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even thought I believe that the fog caused him to say those words, I am not sure I can get over it. The emotional aspect is a knife to my soul. and don't even get me started on him fathering her child…that alone has caused me to loose 5 pounds in the past two weeks.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 234 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
BrokenRock
♂ New Member
Member # 41601
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a tough event. I am on d-day+5. My wife has absolutely no remorse at all. For the WS they are completely mentally dysfunctional. Logic, rational thought, and discussion is almost impossible. For my wife this is all my fault because she fell out of love with me, or that she never loved me. The road is going to be long and hard. i am still absolutely in shock but getting better slowly. I have been doing 180 but ,since my wife does not even care she makes it very easy. She will be coming home from her finding herself trip tomorrow night. I expect my world will be shattered the moment I see her. We have only talked one time since I confronted her about where she was staying and who with.

The best thing you can do is keep coming to Si and reading. The process is extremely long and will take a lot of energy. You must take are of yourself - eat, sleep, and try to focus on other things. I have cried more this week than my entire life.
Will pray for you and all that face similar adversity.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Dec 2013
staystrong101
♀ Member
Member # 41068
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Andrea, so sorry! My WH also begged me to R. He said he loved me and he was so glad he finally got caught in A #1, because it was wearing him out and taking up too much of his time and energy. I asked if he was going to end it with OW? He said "Oh hell no. I had no plans to end it and things were escalating. So it's a good thing you caught me." I asked if he could promise me not to cheat again? He said "well I can tell you I never planned to leave you. all men do this. It's just natural for men." So, I knew that I had no choice but to move on with my life. And this was before I found out about OW #2 and OW #3. My point is, maybe it's a good sign that your husband ended the A and confessed to you. Maybe there's hope for your marriage. Only you can decide that. I agree about the pain of having your WH be a father figure to OW's son, and take time away from his own kids. Ouch. We have 4 kids who are very active in sports. Yet, my WH went to watch OW's son play soccer. At our son's cross country meet, I found pics on the camera of OW's other son. Every time your WH and mine took time away from their own families, all they did was create a distance from us. I'm so sorry. I'm 7 months out from DDay and hopefully the D will be final in Jan. I am finally putting some weight back on but I was down to BMI 17 this summer. Listen to the posts on here about taking care of yourself. This site has been the best support.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS is taking the kids to dinner tonight and I literally feel sick. Is it normal to be crying to almost 12 days strait? I cried in the grocery store yesterday, people looked at me like I was crazy. Maybe it is a good sign he confessed, but my heart hurts everyday. I just want this pain to go away, yes time is the answer, but I wish I knew if D or R was the solution. And dont get me started on the holidays…that only adds to my anxiety level.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 234 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Fireflies
♀ Member
Member # 40210
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it is completely normal to cry for day and weeks on end. you've been through a horrible, traumatic experience. I think I cried everyday for the first 2 months. But it does get better. Hugs


Me: BS
Him: WS
Go your way,
I'll take the long way 'round,
I'll find my own way down,
As I should.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Grr Argh
ascian
♂ Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It certainly is. I didn't cry (much)(blame it on me being a midwestern guy), but the anxiety and the feeling of having lost my center was gone for at least a couple months.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 309 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sick of crying and feeling sorry about myself...hopefully this is a stage and will pass. Over it.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 234 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang in there. I used to walk through stores, down the street, drive my car, all with tears running continuously down my face. I sometimes didn't even realize that I was crying, I did it so much. And I have never been a crier.

Be strong. Unless he starts to do the things that you need him to do, IC, transparency, the whole list, then he's still not committed to R with you. Actions, not words. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I couldn't even get out of bed today. I am starting to think I am suffering from depression. I hate that this is my life now.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 234 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I couldn't even get out of bed today. I am starting to think I am suffering from depression. I hate that this is my life now.
(((Andrea))) Let the good things in your life motivate you right now - your children, your extended family, your good friends. Try focusing on all the blessings in your life and lean on those people and things to get you through the trials and tribulations. I know that's easier said than done, but it's all you can do right now. You've been traumatized and it's not fair.
What's the latest status on things? Have you spoken to him at any greater length since your last update?

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 121
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