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Newest Member: TryingToReform (45458)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Conditioned to accept abuse
♀ Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cayc, good for you for recognizing this and what you need!

Did you ever read the Lundy Bancroft book, Should I Stay or Should I Go? There might be bits of it that will interest you.

From one of the Amazon reader reviews:

"Most women in destructive relationships know when the relationship is over. Choosing to leave is not the same thing as knowing it's over. The reasons that women stay with destructive partners after it's over generally fall into three categories. The first category is economics. Sometimes it's better to live with a destructive man than to be homeless and poor. The second category is magical thinking. This comes in multiple flavors. One form of magical thinking is the belief that God is going to swoop in and change this man's behaviors and attitudes through no work, no struggle, and no time lapse. He's just going to wake up one day and realize he truly has treated you poorly. All of his apologies will now have meaning and he'll start treating you better. Another form of magical thinking is the belief that one day a large truck is going to ram the back of his car and kill him and all your troubles will be over. The third category is that somewhere inside, even if it is only .01%, the woman believes that there is some hope. She is going to stay in the relationship until the hope factor goes down to zero percent. She is going to make valiant efforts to make the relationship work because of that tiny piece of hope."

Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

is not an eye-roll. More of a "curious" maneuver to me. This would be the eye-roll.


[This message edited by thyme2go at 9:24 PM, December 9th (Monday)]

BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9188 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
♀ Member
Member # 37293
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But recognizing that I'm conditioned to abuse. I just now am seeing this.

yes! please go nc, and find some quiet time for yourself to heal. it's scary at first, but you can do it.

"Taking the high road, and doing it with class."


Posts: 155 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cayc, I guess what i was trying to say, is you may. Want to think about what you want your boundaries to be. I found the book Boundaries by Mccloud and Townsend to be a dramatic eye opener for me.

Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6605 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 4:26 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am almost out of an abusive marriage, abusive marriage #2.

I was abused as a child also, so that is a contributing factor also.

I just read this article and it helped me to understand myself, why I stayed, the conflicting emotions and how the brain reacts and what may help to keep us from falling back.

I find it extremely helpful to understand the "whys", it helps me to slow down and not react to feelings but to carefully consider the realities. My gut is still a bit off so I need to be careful in protecting myself.

The article is by Dr. Joseph Carver, I can't remember the exact title but there are articles on his website, the one that really hit home was Stockholm Syndrome?, not about the event itself but the way the mind of an abused partner works and why we accept the abuse and why we stay, why it is so very hard to recognize and get out.

It helped me to understand myself and to stop beating myself up for being so "weak" that I chose to stay.

Hope this can help others.

"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie


Posts: 1437 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 5:26 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cantaccept, thank you for the article suggestion. I already looked it up, so for those interested, here is the link:

And to his website:

I can tell already I'll be spending some time here, so thank you for the information on this.

The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 26
Pages: 1 · 2

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