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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 180 for the wayward spouse?
1bigidiot79
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone had any experience with this? I have been pouring my heart and soul into trying to atone for my actions and behavior to no avail whatsoever. I won't get into all the details but my IC and her IC have advised me that I need to try something different. My BS's situation is probably a bit different from most due to a very traumatic childhood which is inhibiting her from wanting to try and move forward. Basically she is still stuck like it is still day #1.

I will admit I am needy and have probably pushed her more than I needed to. So the advice I have been given is to stop with all the begging and constant apologizing going to her when I am emotional (which is a lot) and just do my own thing. By that I mean continue to work on myself, dig deep and change character flaws that I have identified and basically just leave her alone. I will still be very nice, courteous, helpful, loving and caring to her when we interact but just start dealing with my emotions on my own and work on becoming that better person independent of what she is doing.

Obviously my fear is that she will interpret this as me not caring or pulling away from her. I don't know. It scares me because I want her to know how much I love her and care about her and want more than anything to be the husband she needs me to be.

Any advice is appreciated.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 154 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here. Don't know if you left the stop sign off on purpose, since you are new.

You don't have anything about your story posted in your profile, so I'm guessing that your DDay is close to the date you signed up for SI?

If so, then you, your IC, and her IC need to hear this: Dude! She's stuck like it's still day #1 because it IS still day #1! Two months? Three months? Seriously?? All three of you need to let go of some preconceived notion of how long it should take for her to want "to try and to move forward." Of how long it should take for her to wrap her mind around what's happened. Of how long it will take her to grieve and to start to heal.

You can't even crawl when someone has driven a ten-ton bulldozer over you.

Begging -- don't know what you are begging for, but please don't tell her what to do and how to do it.

Apologizing -- that's good, but are you also SHOWING her that you are sorry? that you will do what she wants and needs? There's lots of advice in this forum and the others to let you know what SHOWING means.

Finally, understand that even if you are a model WS, completely remorseful, doing and saying everything right for all the right reasons -- she may still not want to "move forward" with you. She may want to move forward on her own. Sometimes being run over by a ten-ton bulldozer means saying goodbye to the 'dozer driver.



DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 841 | Registered: Sep 2012
1bigidiot79
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, I need to put my story in my profile. For those of you who don't know me, my story is a little out of the norm for this forum but it is the closest related help forum I can find. I did not physically cheat on my wife. My story is I have been an on and off viewer of porn since I was a young kid.

Long story but the short version is my BS is devastated that this has been going on from the start and she feels totally tricked, fooled and duped for marrying me. It has been 4 1/2 months and she admits she has an extreme amount of anger towards me that she can't let go of because she thought she had found someone who was not like the men in her childhood and she calculated and deliberately planned her future only to have me ruin it. She now feels trapped and as if she does not even know me. She will not even think about letting me touch her in any way. I have been confined to the spare bedroom this whole time and we have not so much as kissed, held hands or even been able to put my arm around her since July.

What sucks is the fact that she is the love of my life, high school sweethearts and I cannot imagine my life without her. I love her dearly. The "begging" is really just me being absolutely broken before her, sobbing just trying to let her see that I am truly remorseful.

Anyway, my original question still stands...what does it look like for the WS to pull back and let the BS have that space? Has anyone had any experience with this?


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 154 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that the 180 for a BS would be particularly cruel. She WILL interpret that as pulling away and not caring. I would have died if FWH had shut down at me.

I have been pouring my heart and soul into trying to atone for my actions and behavior to no avail whatsoever

Don't worry about the avail part. Just atone anyway.

Why not try a modified 180? We'll call it a 90. Just withhold comments or emotions that have to do with your own anger, doubt or frustration. Still give her compassion and apologies. It doesn't have to be dramatic - sincere is always the best route. You may be scared now, but it really doesn't touch the fear and panic that has been thrust upon her. You are certainly entitled to your feelings, but if you can put it into perspective regarding what she is experiencing, I think you might agree it's ok to put your needs of her on the shelf for a moment.

As she starts to feel the ground beneath her feet again (months to years) she can hopefully move back to a space where she can help focus on the relationship and not just the aftermath of the betrayal.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:50 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16428 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

start dealing with my emotions on my own and work on becoming that better person independent of what she is doing
Which is what you're supposed to be doing anyway. You fix you. You figure yourself out. She shouldn't have to hold your hand thru this process. You made the mess, you clean it up.

The "begging" is really just me being absolutely broken before her, sobbing just trying to let her see that I am truly remorseful.
Sobbing, crying, and sniveling in the floor does not show remorse. If it did, there are some very active WS that would win friggin' Oscars. SHOW your BS thru your ACTIONS that you are remorseful. Find out why you hid this from her. Find out why you lied to her. Fix YOU. THAT is how you show her you're remorseful. Changing the fucked up you into a healthy you. Whether she is "all in" R or not. Let go of the outcome and continue to work on yourself.

That does not mean you 180 your BS. Noooo way. You still help her. You still show her you care. But you do it while letting go of the outcome and/or expecting anything in return.

Three things have to heal in this relationship.
You.
Her.
Y'all.

You are responsible 100% for you.
You can help her heal herself, but that it ultimately up to her and is darn sure going to take more than 4 1/2 months.
And you most definitely have to help heal y'all.

P.S. And listen to Razzie. She kinda nailed it.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 12:22 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6058 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
1bigidiot79
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what you guys are trying to politely say is suck it up and start being a man. I get it.

I really have been working on me and through IC and A LOT of meditation and thought I think I am making strides. I am beginning to think about a lot of things differently. Beginning to see what a douche I was even though I thought I had it all figured out.

Anyway, I'm just scared to death she will think I'm pulling away from her because I'm giving up. That is a big fear of mine. But like you guys have said I guess I need to still show her I care but I've got to keep my emotions and needs to myself for now. I like what you said Jrazz about maybe do a 90 instead of a 180. I only asked this question in the first place because that was the advice I had been given and just wanted to see what everyone thought. I thank God for this site. I have learned so much and I appreciate the honest and tough love answers.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 154 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think a modfied 180 would/could be just you being sincere in letting her know yoh really do want her and that you are worki g on being a safe person for both yourself and for her. Leave the emotion out (sobbing/begging and the like...) but be earnest and sincere. Let her know that you are always going to be there but that you are going to change your methids to give her some more space or so that she won't feel pressured. Then turn to actions. And on actions...maybe just do, don't necessarily ask (specifically thinking about things around the house and other everyday things that she might be dealing with).


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what you guys are trying to politely say is suck it up and start being a man. I get it.

So here's the thing about that...

It's been my observation that many WS's had their A in part because they were looking for some kind of validation. If you look at this like you need to suppress part of yourself that you feel is very real, I worry about whether or not this modified behavior is going to breed resentment.

Remember that your experiences are just as valid as the next person. Right now, we're talking about context and a modified response. You get to feel how you need to feel, we are just trying to encourage you to ACT with compassion and understanding for your wife. Does that make sense? She's not trying to hurt or scare you on purpose here. She's metaphorically bleeding out and what's left to work with emotionally ain't pretty. Instead of looking at this like you have to compromise yourself or "suck it up", use this as an opportunity to truly walk in the shoes of someone you care about. It can be a very positive thing to work on being a loving, considerate, healthy person for both of you.

ETA

Quoting myself for clarification:

I think you might agree it's ok to put your needs of her on the shelf for a moment.

I didn't mean to say that you should set aside your own needs. I just meant that you might not ask anything of HER for a while. Hopefully that makes sense.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:03 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16428 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bad idea if you want to R. Maybe you two should go to MC together


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 503 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's not trying to hurt or scare you on purpose here. She's metaphorically bleeding out and what's left to work with emotionally ain't pretty.

This is a very accurate description of most of us.

Compulsive porn that takes away from from the spouse and from TRUE intimacy in a marriage is a betrayal. It hurts just as much as a physical affair. It says to the spouse, "you aren't enough, I need these other images, I need more than you can give me."

Yeah, you cheated.


Me-BS-60-Can't tell you how painful it was to change this number!
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3281 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Topic Posts: 10

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