I will admit I am needy and have probably pushed her more than I needed to. So the advice I have been given is to stop with all the begging and constant apologizing going to her when I am emotional (which is a lot) and just do my own thing. By that I mean continue to work on myself, dig deep and change character flaws that I have identified and basically just leave her alone. I will still be very nice, courteous, helpful, loving and caring to her when we interact but just start dealing with my emotions on my own and work on becoming that better person independent of what she is doing.
Obviously my fear is that she will interpret this as me not caring or pulling away from her. I don't know. It scares me because I want her to know how much I love her and care about her and want more than anything to be the husband she needs me to be.
Any advice is appreciated.
You don't have anything about your story posted in your profile, so I'm guessing that your DDay is close to the date you signed up for SI?
If so, then you, your IC, and her IC need to hear this: Dude! She's stuck like it's still day #1 because it IS still day #1! Two months? Three months? Seriously?? All three of you need to let go of some preconceived notion of how long it should take for her to want "to try and to move forward." Of how long it should take for her to wrap her mind around what's happened. Of how long it will take her to grieve and to start to heal.
You can't even crawl when someone has driven a ten-ton bulldozer over you.
Begging -- don't know what you are begging for, but please don't tell her what to do and how to do it.
Apologizing -- that's good, but are you also SHOWING her that you are sorry? that you will do what she wants and needs? There's lots of advice in this forum and the others to let you know what SHOWING means.
Finally, understand that even if you are a model WS, completely remorseful, doing and saying everything right for all the right reasons -- she may still not want to "move forward" with you. She may want to move forward on her own. Sometimes being run over by a ten-ton bulldozer means saying goodbye to the 'dozer driver.
Long story but the short version is my BS is devastated that this has been going on from the start and she feels totally tricked, fooled and duped for marrying me. It has been 4 1/2 months and she admits she has an extreme amount of anger towards me that she can't let go of because she thought she had found someone who was not like the men in her childhood and she calculated and deliberately planned her future only to have me ruin it. She now feels trapped and as if she does not even know me. She will not even think about letting me touch her in any way. I have been confined to the spare bedroom this whole time and we have not so much as kissed, held hands or even been able to put my arm around her since July.
What sucks is the fact that she is the love of my life, high school sweethearts and I cannot imagine my life without her. I love her dearly. The "begging" is really just me being absolutely broken before her, sobbing just trying to let her see that I am truly remorseful.
Anyway, my original question still stands...what does it look like for the WS to pull back and let the BS have that space? Has anyone had any experience with this?
I have been pouring my heart and soul into trying to atone for my actions and behavior to no avail whatsoever
Don't worry about the avail part. Just atone anyway.
Why not try a modified 180? We'll call it a 90. Just withhold comments or emotions that have to do with your own anger, doubt or frustration. Still give her compassion and apologies. It doesn't have to be dramatic - sincere is always the best route. You may be scared now, but it really doesn't touch the fear and panic that has been thrust upon her. You are certainly entitled to your feelings, but if you can put it into perspective regarding what she is experiencing, I think you might agree it's ok to put your needs of her on the shelf for a moment.
As she starts to feel the ground beneath her feet again (months to years) she can hopefully move back to a space where she can help focus on the relationship and not just the aftermath of the betrayal.
[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:50 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)]
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
start dealing with my emotions on my own and work on becoming that better person independent of what she is doing
The "begging" is really just me being absolutely broken before her, sobbing just trying to let her see that I am truly remorseful.
That does not mean you 180 your BS. Noooo way. You still help her. You still show her you care. But you do it while letting go of the outcome and/or expecting anything in return.
Three things have to heal in this relationship.
You are responsible 100% for you.
You can help her heal herself, but that it ultimately up to her and is darn sure going to take more than 4 1/2 months.
And you most definitely have to help heal y'all.
P.S. And listen to Razzie. She kinda nailed it.
[This message edited by Aubrie at 12:22 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]
I really have been working on me and through IC and A LOT of meditation and thought I think I am making strides. I am beginning to think about a lot of things differently. Beginning to see what a douche I was even though I thought I had it all figured out.
Anyway, I'm just scared to death she will think I'm pulling away from her because I'm giving up. That is a big fear of mine. But like you guys have said I guess I need to still show her I care but I've got to keep my emotions and needs to myself for now. I like what you said Jrazz about maybe do a 90 instead of a 180. I only asked this question in the first place because that was the advice I had been given and just wanted to see what everyone thought. I thank God for this site. I have learned so much and I appreciate the honest and tough love answers.
So what you guys are trying to politely say is suck it up and start being a man. I get it.
So here's the thing about that...
It's been my observation that many WS's had their A in part because they were looking for some kind of validation. If you look at this like you need to suppress part of yourself that you feel is very real, I worry about whether or not this modified behavior is going to breed resentment.
Remember that your experiences are just as valid as the next person. Right now, we're talking about context and a modified response. You get to feel how you need to feel, we are just trying to encourage you to ACT with compassion and understanding for your wife. Does that make sense? She's not trying to hurt or scare you on purpose here. She's metaphorically bleeding out and what's left to work with emotionally ain't pretty. Instead of looking at this like you have to compromise yourself or "suck it up", use this as an opportunity to truly walk in the shoes of someone you care about. It can be a very positive thing to work on being a loving, considerate, healthy person for both of you.
Quoting myself for clarification:
I think you might agree it's ok to put your needs of her on the shelf for a moment.
I didn't mean to say that you should set aside your own needs. I just meant that you might not ask anything of HER for a while. Hopefully that makes sense.
[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:03 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]
Knowing the details doesn't always make you feel satisfied. In my case, it just made me want to burn a perfectly good couch!
She's not trying to hurt or scare you on purpose here. She's metaphorically bleeding out and what's left to work with emotionally ain't pretty.
This is a very accurate description of most of us.
Compulsive porn that takes away from from the spouse and from TRUE intimacy in a marriage is a betrayal. It hurts just as much as a physical affair. It says to the spouse, "you aren't enough, I need these other images, I need more than you can give me."
Yeah, you cheated.