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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sleep and Sex
looking forward
♀ Member
Member # 25238
Helpless  Posted: 9:41 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H cannot sleep, even with a small dose of lorazepam. He wakes up at 4 a.m., and can't get back to sleep.
We have been under a very stressful situation for the last three months, now postponed until January, and our relationship has been very strained.
He told me this morning that he wants sex, that he wants blow jobs....that this will help him sleep.
Of course, blow jobs were and continue to be the angst (as in source of good for having this finally in our sex life, but also the act I performed on OM 40+ years ago) of our relationship.
H has had LOTS of BJs in the last 4+ years.
But what about my feelings? I asked. We start off snuggling, a little kissing, then it's time...
After, he's exhausted (great...that was the goal), but I would like more for me.
So now he's in bed, trying to get some sleep.

...Oh, and Happy Anniversary.
We met 46 years ago today in high school.
We agreed 4 years ago that this would be our new anniversary.
..feeling very sad...

Any advice?

[This message edited by looking forward at 9:54 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2800 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have him do you first. My H likes to do it at the same time...


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA (tt, uncovering much more) d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 (full confession)"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah

Posts: 1962 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any advice?

He wants you to blow him to help him sleep? Is he waking you up to have you do this? Wow...that would make me feel like he's using me as his own personal blow up doll.

I'd tell him to get his butt up and go do something productive instead. Hard work will tire somebody out too. Or, take a higher dose of lorazepam.


Posts: 13353 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
looking forward
♀ Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@lieshurt

No, he isn't waking me up to do this.
We go to bed together.

The fact that I didn't experience orgasms myself until 4 years ago is also a huge factor in our sex life. He pleasures me on different nights, as I am too exhausted, happily so, to go down on him.
It's a conundrum.
I think we've only experience mutual orgasms a handful of times in the last 4 years.


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2800 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can't he masturbate when he needs help sleeping?


Together 18yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = final confession of sex 16th june

Posts: 516 | Registered: Jul 2013
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

May just craving some endorphin?

I think he's either using sex as escapism (guilty here) or perhaps he needs that connection?


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, he isn't waking me up to do this.
We go to bed together.

What about staying up later? If he's waking up at 4:00 consistently, then perhaps his body has adjusted to that time.


Posts: 13353 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we've only experience mutual orgasms a handful of times in the last 4 years.

Oh, and Happy Anniversary.
We met 46 years ago today in high school.
We agreed 4 years ago that this would be our new anniversary.

On my (old or new) Anniversary, I'd want an orgasm too. But since it's only happened "a handful of times in the last 4 years" you need to take responsibility for your own pleasure.

He told me this morning that he wants sex, that he wants blow jobs....that this will help him sleep.
Cool! He made a respectful and unemotional request. Now you need to do the same!


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2113 | Registered: Jun 2009
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mutual orgasms are a treat. I never had one before, until about two years ago. Yep. it was fantastic. I mean, i have had orgasms way before he does... (and a couple the other way around) but only about 3 times have we had one at the same time. and he takes too long to finish from a blowjob... I can't "finish him off" that way. (I have maybe twice in the 11 years we've been together. But then, it also used to turn me on to do it, so I didn't want to finish him off) Have sex instead. I prefer it to oral, anyway.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA (tt, uncovering much more) d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 (full confession)"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah

Posts: 1962 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
looking forward
♀ Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't want to stay up later.
He's too tired to wait until 11 p.m.
I believe the stress hormones are dominating the other hormones, thus nullifying his ability to sleep. But he won't consider any other medicinal interference, nor IC or MC.
Me, I need help! Now!


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2800 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me, I need help! Now!

What, exactly, do you need?
*your turn, either before or after he comes?
*more foreplay?
*manual stimulation?
*oral stimulation?
*vibrator stimulation?
*WHAT?

Articulate what you need from him.

He pleasures me on different nights, as I am too exhausted, happily so, to go down on him.
While simultaneous orgasms are rare, sounds like you want both of you to achieve orgasm, regardless of who comes first.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2113 | Registered: Jun 2009
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK so you have been together for 46 years, so that tells me you aren't kids, there is a natural process of needing less sleep that happens in middle age, and if he is waking at 4 am, and has had good sleep, and isn't tired, then he needs to get his ass out of bed and do something.

BJ's for sleep is not a healthy method to overcome the issue. I mean, once in a while fine. But if he expects this to be the solution to the problem, that isn't really acceptable.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll take one for the team now and again, but I expect on the grand scheme for things to just sort of even out. When it's out of balance, I get cranky. I don't think I'd be cool being someone's personal sleep aid.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 5851 | Registered: Jan 2011
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA (tt, uncovering much more) d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 (full confession)"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah

Posts: 1962 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
looking forward
♀ Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I don't need self-pleasure help.
I need life help.
Even some cyber hugs would help.
I am feeling so alone today.


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2800 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((looking forward)))

Take a step back; the problems, and the solutions, will still be there tomorrow when you feel stronger.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2113 | Registered: Jun 2009
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well hell, hugs we got!

(((looking forward)))

Sometimes the stress is too much. Go treat yourself to a peppermint hot chocolate or a pedicure or whatever brings you peace. You deserve it!


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 5851 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 17

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