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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 8
SI Staff
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Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
momof1girl
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Member # 41074
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that hearing that he loves me helps and hurts. I don't know what is going thru his mind, but that he so readily threw his family away for this younger woman and her child is mind boggling for me. As a BS, I am asking WS's... how do you reconcile yourself with that you've done?


D-Day: Oct. 1, 2013

Together 15 years, married 7, 1 child, age 7.

WH: 37 y.o., EA/PA since March
OW: 26, 1 child (not WH's)
Me: 34, BS
Separated Nov. 16, 2013

Does a wedding anniversary still count if you are separated?


Posts: 82 | Registered: Oct 2013
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do WS really feel when their BS is clued into the affair? My husband confessed to me, just wondering if you have any insight into this. Thanks


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 218 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Momof1girl,

We accept that we did it and that it was our choice alone. We work to find out why we did it and make the changes necessary that we won't ever do it again. We apologize. We become transparent. We work to show our love for our spouses. We stop lying. We stop hiding things.

Each one of us here on SI takes on this challenge. We work to find remorse. We stand and hear the words our spouses say instead of getting defensive. We validate our spouses feelings.

To be honest, the A's are often just a symptom of other problems in our lives. It would be nice if we figured out our shit before we had an A, but we didn't. Now we are here.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
NewCompass
♂ New Member
Member # 41319
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Momo,

I completely agree with Baxter. We accept the responsibility of our choices. The reasons for doing so are varied. For those persons that are here (WS) that have not obtained professional therapy are missing out.

The very science behind speaking our inner "secrets" to a trained psychotherapist / psychiatrist are in fact the beginning of true healing. Not only does it free the soul but offers an opportunity to explore the inner meaning of other causes for making these decisions.

The advice I offer here would be to keep open conversation with your spouse and understand that the WS is struggling with their inner self as well. This can be a bad road during a time when one is looking for the next shoe to fall and the other is tip toeing on egg shells not to trigger bad thoughts.

This can be an eye opening experience for the WS to seek professional help. Many times the underlying reasons are those that have been missing in the relationship and never were discussed as "issues".


Me (FWS) 56
W - 54
D Day - 12/12
Married 29 years
3 children / 2 college grads

Posts: 5 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Savannah, GA
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do WS really feel when their BS is clued into the affair?

It's a time of confusion for one thing. How a WS feels initially is going to depend on whether they confessed or they were caught.

Believe it or not, I can't remeber for certain that I confessed, but I think I did...although my BW knew I was full into crazy-making, she just didn't know why.

So, giving up the A secret was a time of "there, now you know" mixed with a small amount of relief that I didn't have to hide it but also a huge amount of resentment that my BW didn't want to D. I'm sure each persons situation is going to be somewhat unique on the feelings and the ratio of how much each feeling plays once the BS knows.

Eventually it worked into "what the hell did I do" and then "OMG" and then the actual undeniability of it all and subsequent depression that my life had gotten to this point, not to mention the hurt inflicted on others.

For some the transition and feelings happen relatively quickly. Others might take years to work through it.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
slater13
♂ Member
Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is affair sex like?


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 160 | Registered: Apr 2013
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question: After my H finally confessed EVERYTHING to me, we started to talk about our 'honest feelings' going back all the way to before we were married. I always believed we were very happy. He always said he was very happy. I never had any reason to doubt the truth of any of our relationship. But it took him awhile to come out of 'the fog' - a lot of our life together seemed to have been rewritten in his mind. He started talking about how I never respected him, how I never appreciated him - which is absolutely not true. I went from being the most supportive, sacrificing, encouraging, amazing wife in the history of the world, to being completely inadequate, fat, lazy, messy, unappreciative, arrogant, etc. Things I never heard or imagined he felt until AFTER he confessed his infidelities, and AFTER I told him that I could forgive him.

The things that are still the most painful are things that he said to me while in the fog.

I had asked him if she was prettier than me, and he said that I would think that she was very, very beautiful. He said, 'don't ask questions if you can't handle the answer'. When I met her, I did not think she was 'very, very beautiful' at all. Neither did my best friend, who just shook her head and said, 'Why would he even say that?' He has since said that she isn't remotely as beautiful as me, blah blah blah.

My main example, and the most painful - I made him take me to see her at 1:00 in the morning - woke her out of bed, so I could ask her some questions. I sat side by side with her and asked her questions about the A and the baby she claimed to be carrying. I told her not to jerk him around with this, because he was a good man and he didn't deserve that. I was a little crazy. I was VERY polite to her. I thanked her for talking to me, acknowledged that it was generous of her, that she didn't have to talk to me. I told her that I hadn't been a good wife to him for the last year, and I thanked her for taking care of him when I couldn't. Crazy, I said. After I had asked her everything I needed to know.. 'did he say he loved you', etc., we left. That was the closest we came to ending it - he told me he was going to look for an apartment, but that we would talk about it the next morning.

The next day, he told me that all he was thinking while I was talking to her was that she was 'the better woman'.

He has since tried to back-peddle from that - he says that he felt that way and he said it as a 'confession' at the time, something he was sorry for thinking and wanted to confess to me. But I know he meant it at the time, and I feel like he meant it to hurt me, to humiliate me, to punish me for making him take me to see her.

So, my question is... how seriously do I take things that were said while coming out of the fog? Are those things to be believed? Are they the true secrets of the heart that he just finally had the courage to say?

She's pregnant with his child, she's half my age, she's your basic MLC nightmare. He is adamant that she never meant anything to him, that she could have been anybody, that he just loved the attention and the ego stroking, but that it had nothing at all to do with HER specifically. He is devastated by what he did, couldn't be more remorseful, or more changed. We are complete NC, but there is every reason to believe that we are going to have to have some kind of contact with her in the future.

I am terrified that seeing her is going to stir up feelings inside him... that he is going to look at her again, but this time as the mother of his child, see us side by side, and think once again that she is more beautiful AND that she is a better woman.

I appreciate any thoughts or advice.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Plainpain,

I don't think you should put too much stock in his words at that time. He was likely still very confused, trying to hurt you so that you would leave him alone, and trying to figure out a way to pin the whole thing on someone else. It sounds like he has gotten past that stage a bit, so there is some hope. And it's likely you are going to be very vigilant with the OC scenario, so trust but verify, right? Look at his actions.

Slater...I can't answer your question because I was an EA only. Sorry.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In response to Slater......

"What was affair sex like"?

Mine absoluty sucked & is what actually ended the affair & woke me the fuck up.
We had sex 5 times & none were good.


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 210 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just want to say a huge Thank You to all the fWS's who answer questions here. I read often and haven't posted because so many of the questions are the same as what I might ask...

It is so very helpful to get your insight. In some of the other forums, it seems as though the general sentiment is "if WS isn't fully remorseful right away, run!". Several of you fWS's have shown that it's possible to take a longer path, but can still arrive at that destination.

Thanks for your courage and honesty. It's helping a lot of us wade through this insane mess...


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 692 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do WS compare the BS with the OW? In ALL aspects. As well, how ashamed of your actions are you really? Thanks


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 218 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
kmom2662
♀ Member
Member # 41494
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Andrea--
So ashamed, mortified, guilty that I feel physically ill. I'm sitting in a parking lot trying to pull myself together enough to pick my kid up from school in a few minutes. Trying to make it until my next IC on Monday.


Me-- WW, 49
Him-- BH, 53 (bobf)
Married 22 years
OEA, chat/email with multiple people over an 8 week period, 8/2013-10/4/2013
D-day 10/4/13
Working on reconciliation

Posts: 69 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United states
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kmom2662, thank you for your candid response. I wish you luck with your BH. I really appreciate WS being so candid. It Is giving me lots of insight. I just can't comprehend my WS saying that he loved the other woman.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 218 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SAWH has been doing some reading and mentioned "fake future" as the term for what WS use as a way of getting their AP to stay. Because after awhile, in order for the affair to continue it has to have some sort of goal, especially if the AP is a single female.

Did any WS here use "fake future" in their A? Did you actually believe what you were saying at the time or did you say things to your AP knowing you would not be following through? I'm curious about the level of detachment you had with regard to the future plans with your A.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 897 | Registered: Jun 2013
bbf2013
♂ New Member
Member # 41551
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I was confronted about 7 months ago I think I remember feeling like I had made a wrong choice and wanted to take responsibility for what I had done. Part of me, probably for survival, held on to a little chunk of belief that the affair wasn't all that bad because it caused the crisis we needed to repair our marriage.

As time went on and I witnessed the damage I caused and really considered how I had screwed up I felt more and more guilty and said more and more bad things about myself. Now that I am completely removed from the affair and those feelings a actually loathe myself a lot of the time. I told my BW today that I felt I deserved the death penalty for what I did.

I'm sure everyone's experience differs, but I definitely know that I gradually felt worse about what I had done over time and the level of regret reached unimaginable heights.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2013
Hope24
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Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 4:45 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slater13:

What is affair sex like?

I compare it to heroin. It was intoxicating and toxic. Ultimately, extremely destructive.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7605 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 4:53 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Womaninflux:

Did any WS here use "fake future" in their A? Did you actually believe what you were saying at the time or did you say things to your AP knowing you would not be following through? I'm curious about the level of detachment you had with regard to the future plans with your A.

Future-faking is a very real phenomenon - both in affairs and just regular dating relationships. Have you googled it?

I did not future-fake in my A but I did tell the OM things he wanted to hear in order to keep the affair alive. I told him "I love you", for example, even though I logically knew I didn't.

My A was somewhat different in that the OM was the one wanting to run away together. I had no intentions of leaving my then BH and was quite clear about that.

Sometimes people that future-fake actually believe their promises. It's not always a conscious decision to lie. They believe their lie in that moment. But in the light of day, it falls apart.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7605 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
peoplepleaser
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Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The information about the EA was TT, so much that very little has been brought to my attention without me seeking it or investigating it. However, I should note that details I would never have known have been disclosed along with personal thoughts and feelings through the nature of the EA. WP swears I now know everything (DDay was September 6), but I don't feel I have all the facts about the A. There are some inconsistencies in phone and text records, but WP says they must be wrong or roaming. Up until now every suspicion I had that there was more has proven true, but I know I'm traumatized by the EA so I'm not sure if I can trust it.

WP expresses extreme remorse and is working on rebuilding trust, but struggles with being defensive and frustrated at times when I want to talk about the story of the A. When I say I think there is more, WP tells me that I will probably never think I know everything.

For the WSs, are there some cases out there where the BS has a nagging suspicion there is more, but there really isn't? What are your thoughts?


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 627 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do WS really feel when their BS is clued into the affair?

Unlike your H, I was caught rather than having confessed. I felt panicked, embarrassed, exposed, scared, sad, and regretful. Later on, I reached remorse and a realization of the gravity of my actions as far as how low I had sunk morally.

What is affair sex like?

Because I had dated the AP before having an A with him, I already knew what sex with him was like. So, in my case, it was like it was in our legitimate relationship.

Do WS compare the BS with the OW? In ALL aspects.

I guess I did...but then, I compare everyone (non-affair partners as well). And not in a negative way---just more like a "noticing the differences" way. In my case, I didn't demonize my XH in order to justify my affair, so I wasn't looking for anything to purposefully compare him to.

As well, how ashamed of your actions are you really? Thanks

Quite a bit, although it's lessening as time goes on (I am almost 4 years from D-day). I will always recognize my actions as disgusting, immoral, and wrong, but I am no longer *mired* in shame as I was for a long time.


Did any WS here use "fake future" in their A?

I did, although I didn't think it was fake at the time.

Did you actually believe what you were saying at the time or did you say things to your AP knowing you would not be following through?

I believed it. Up until the final month of the A, I thought I would be following through. In the end, though, I didn't have the guts to go through with it. And then after D-day, I didn't want him anymore (the AP).

I'm curious about the level of detachment you had with regard to the future plans with your A.

I don't really understand this part of the question. Detachment from whom? My then-spouse? The AP? The marriage? The affair? Myself?


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried. Reconciliation is a process and I still struggle.


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