For the WS who sincerely tried R, did you ever feel like you couldn't do anything right? How long did that process take to get through R and when did you decide that you were done trying (in case you ended in D)?
Thanks for your insight.
That you for giving me a glimpse of understanding. I just want to try and understand better I think to try and cope better. For my own well begin and for a potential path to healing for myself. I know that I, alone cannot heal the M, if he is not willing to admit truths to himself, muchness, to me.
I am sort of trapped in my own fog of confusion at the moment. And my own tendencies of rationale and logic are so off line from what is happening that I just can't come to terms with what is happening around me.
But again, thank you for your clarity!
Pls shed some light for me.
We are 14 months past d-day!!!!
I often wonder if H thinks about AP. Not just during sex, but other times. H tells me he has no good memories of that time. So he tries to never think about any of it.
I don't know if I can believe him about this. My head tells me to, but it is just so beyond my heart being able to comprehend it.
How do I get my WH to be open to the idea that I need to vent and share my feelings? ...I had a bad trigger today and I am feeling sick to my stomach and want to write an email to him telling him everything I am thinking (i.e. sick to my stomach about the thought of him touching someone else, the fact that I cry after sex is NOT because its so emotional and amazing like he thinks...but that its because it hurts so bad to know that he had sex with someone else)
He says he is open to me sharing ONLY if I havent told him before. If I have told him how I feel....and its the same then he doesnt want to hear it?
Should I just go ahead and write the email?
When I go ahead and tell him he ALWAYS says that I am NOT getting over it, I am NOT improving and healing.
[This message edited by kmom2662 at 4:11 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]
I am a Wayward Husband, and I do not think about or fantasize about my xAP when I am being intimate with my BW. Or otherwise, when we aren't being intimate.
After the fog lifted, and I began to see xAP as she truly is, and myself as I truly was, the little fantasy charade and sexy mind movies in my head just went...poof! They haven't returned, thankfully.
I hope this helps some. Perhaps other Waywards will weigh in with their experience here.
He came over to where I am living a few weeks after he asked me to leave and had rewritten our marriage. Said I took advantage of him, I changed the day we married and that he was no longer my number one priority.
He cheated on his second wife twice, I found this out after I called his Mom to tell her what had happened, so this is a pattern for him.
He has shown no remorse, he and the other woman have been engaged for several months now, even though we have not even gone through mediation yet. She lives with him now.
I can not understand why he had the affair. I loved this man with all my heart. I don't understand how someone can deceive someone you called your soul mate. I don't understand why actions were taken that tore the family apart.
He says he will never forgive me for turning my son against him, I did nothing but tell my son what he had done. His actions are what turned my son against him.
I am struggling with how to give myself closure to this marriage. How do I make peace with this?
WH says I ask for too much information & it would be impossible to complete. He does talk about the A if I bring it up & answers any direct questions I have.
Things I requested on the timeline were where, when, date, days, actions, time of day, things he did to hide it, location, other people present or used as a cover, when it went from work to personal, EA to PA, money spent, etc. ........ my list of things I wanted on it was quite extensive (25-35 different things)
Did you do a timeline?
Did you do it on your own or at the request of your spouse?
What types of things did you put on it?
How did you or your BS benefit from it?
How much is too much to expect?
Did it help or hurt R?
How long did A last? Did it continue after D-day?
How much time was there between the A ending & the timeline being written?
What's the downside to a timeline?
DDAY#2- Jan 9,2012 2yr EA/PA with howorker
2-DD 22/15 and a son 20 (US NAVY)
Was tryin to R but to many false r. lies upon lies and not helping me heal now Seperated.....
I forgive people, but that
[This message edited by bobf at 3:30 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]
Please post respectfully if you want to ask questions in this forum.
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
Why they he'll can't you tell the whole truth when asked a direct question? Why can't you tell everything as a lie of omission is still a god damn lie (sorry I have been drinking)?
You are correct. Omission is still a lie. In our warped minds, we feel that if we withhold information, we are protecting our BSs. We feel that if they knew the "worst" of it, they would snap, and that any chance of R will be gone. What we don't realize, the worst of it is, we cheated in the first place. The details are the pieces of the puzzle required for healing. When we withhold those, it prevents complete authenticity on the WS part, and ultimately, intimacy between the WS and BS.
I left a detail out for a year and a half. QS asked me a specific question about the A. I never answered. I was in the whole self-preservation mindset. He found the detail when I did a time line a year and a half after Dday. It didn't go over very well.
[This message edited by Aubrie at 4:12 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?
Fear. Of the shame. Of losing the BS.
An inability to see beyond our own needs and fears.
Not being able to let go of the outcome.
"The most expensive thing in th world is TRUST, it takes years to earn and just a matter of seconds to lose"