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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 8
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 3:14 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I double posted. How do I remove one of them?

[This message edited by Bdell at 3:18 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 3:25 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartbroken, I guess my questions were of a more procedural nature. What did you WS's do to address these issues? My wife has been visiting the Harley's website, and they have a very structured approach to reconciliation. So I was wondering what methods you WS's use to regain the love/desire that the affair destroyed? Even, I suppose, if this was an issue to begin with?

[This message edited by Bdell at 3:25 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My questions never got answered & I wonder if I should be asking them in a different forum. I'm hoping it's because they just got lost in the shuffle, so I'll ask again. I'd love any insight I can get from a WS. Even if my questions never get answered, Id like to thank all the WSs that have taken the time to reply here. Ive learned a few things along the way.

Did your BS ever tell you they wanted to trust you but were afraid to?
How did that make you feel?
Is it something you can work through together?
What can the BS & WS do to help BS learn to trust again?


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 306 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whereismylove: since there is no remorse, he's abusive, and he has a resigned "I'll settle in the marriage - for the time being" kind of attitude then how can reconciliation even be a remote possibility?

I'd suggest you post in General or Reconciliation, mention "WS welcome" and layout the specifics for comment.

I'm thinking you'll hear things like "hard 180", "his belongings on lawn in Hefty bags", D papers drawn and served, transparency, and counseling.

Is being married to an unremorseful asshole who is rubbing your face in it something you are willing to live with? This sounds to me like way more than just wayward fog.

Time for the spike covered bitch boots to come out and find his crotch, ass, or both!

Good luck. JD

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 5:56 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Soconfusednow. Deep down, I imagine all BS's have that fear. Of being afraid to trust "their Wayward". My wife spoke and speaks of trust as being earned by me. She doesn't give it to me. I earn it and provide proof to and for her (and myself, therefore also us).

I don't know if that helps. Tell your wayward H what you're afraid of and see how he replies. Ask him how he is and plans to earn your trust.

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bdell,

I did not take it that way. You were flagged for coming across disrespectfully to the waywards in this forum, as decided by the team of moderators. Kindness goes a long way when asking for help.

AN


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36632 | Registered: Sep 2007
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I was wondering what methods you WS's use to regain the love/desire that the affair destroyed?

Bdell: I never stopped loving and desiring my BW, before, during, or after my affair. Before and during, I picked away at her and our marriage as a way to justify my actions. If she was a crappy wife, and our marriage sucked, then why should I feel bad about creating an alternate reality and "love"?

The day I was caught, and as the fog lifted, I began to see my wife and our marriage clearly again. I realized the love I felt for her the moment we met was still there. And will be until the day I die.

And when she forgave me, I learned what true love really is. Despite her hurt pride, deep pain, and justified righteous ability to exact revenge, or put a short leash on me and lord over me, she chose "None of the above".

She chose to believe in me and our love and forgive. Forgiveness being the hardest, most scary thing a BS can do. And that gift to me made me realize just how powerful love can be, and just how in love with her I am. How lucky I am.

My love and desire for my BW surged when I was given trust and forgiveness. I feel and love her in new ways at new depths because of that gift SHE gave me.

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
JerseyCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 41441
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question to WS's now divorced
If you ended up divorced were you mad at spouse for not R? For 1 year after my D with absolutely NC during or after the D my ex continued to mess with my mail, email and gave out my phone # to people. Seems like he wanted the D so why would he be so mad? Any thoughts


Me: Divorced 2012
I know that when I truly love & honor myself I am at my best & most complete; and I will never settle for anything less from myself or from anyone else ever again!

Posts: 286 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Have not decided where to land yet!
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure this has been asked but I'm having a hard time getting through everything.

I have been asking WH to try to figure out how he could do this. We have a lot of his hows (bad boundaries, able to compartmentalize, need for validation, poor communication, and an extreme feeling of disconnection from me and our son) but I need him to try to go deeper. I want him to really look at what he was feeling before and during and figure out why doing this was an option for him. I really think this is the only way for us to heal and for me to feel "safe".

Yesterday he really made a good start. He sent me a lot of information about how he was feeling and we had a long talk afterward. It meant a lot to me for him to do this.

My question is how can I encourage him to keep it up? Is there anything you all did that really helped you dig deeper? I know I can't control his healing but he says he is having a hard time figuring out where to look. He's probably going to have to deal with a lot of pain but I don't want that to hold him back. I have suggested he post on the WS forum but think he doesn't really know what to ask.

Any suggestions for a WH who is starting to do the "real work"?

Edited for spelling

[This message edited by AML04 at 6:38 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 829 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
kmom2662
♀ Member
Member # 41494
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Soconfusednow--
Yes, my WH told me that he wants to be able to trust me again, but has a hard time imagining that he will ever fully be able to. It makes me feel terrible, not something I ever thought I would do to him, but it's certainly justified, considering the A itself and then the period of TT I put him through. Most of what he knows are things he was abke to dig up through digging on the computer and ipad,not because I told him.

The only thing I can think of to do is to be an absolutely open book-- he knows every account and password I have, I'm working on letting him fully into my thoughts, even if I'm worried that it will bother him, and I try to never forget that my primary responsibility is now to make him feel safe, and valued, and cared for, all of the things I didn't do before. I hope the trust will build over time, but I don't know if it will ever be back to what it was before.

[This message edited by kmom2662 at 1:11 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


Me-- WW, 49
Him-- BH, 53 (bobf)
Married 22 years
OEA, chat/email with multiple people over an 8 week period, 8/2013-10/4/2013
D-day 10/4/13
Working on reconciliation

Posts: 69 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United states
nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For XWS did you see the OP as a weapon used to destroy your family? Why would WS want to protect and defend OP (weapon) over his/her family? Why would WS continue to invest in OP when everything of value has been lost? Can't understand why retrieval and repolishing of the thrown away "diamond" be the focus for WS?

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DazedWI

HB,

Who initiated the R in your relationship and what caused that to happen? My WW had said previously that maybe we could be friends in a couple of years and I said no because it would mess with my recovery as she would have tried to change back to the person I fell in love with. I guess to me it seems unlikely that a couple could R after a divorce given what transpired. Thanks again for responding, it is appreciated! Having the ability to have WS's answer questions helps to try and help a BS when the other is unremorseful.

My XH asked to R. We were making small talk at work one day when he pretty much out of the blue said he made a huge mistake in divorcing me and wondered if I'd consider R. I'd made it known since D-day that I wanted to R, so of course I said yes. Going strong 21 months now.

I definitely didn't try to change back into the person my XH fell in love with. I'm actually very different in most ways from the person he fell in love with. I think that's actually what made R successful.

JerseyCowgirl

Question to WS's now divorced
If you ended up divorced were you mad at spouse for not R? For 1 year after my D with absolutely NC during or after the D my ex continued to mess with my mail, email and gave out my phone # to people. Seems like he wanted the D so why would he be so mad? Any thoughts

No, I wasn't mad at XH at all. I didn't feel "entitled" to R and in fact I very much deserved to be divorced. And honestly, crazy as it sounds, the divorce was one of the best things that ever happened to me. It's very unfortunate that it had to come at the expense of my XH's feelings but it's what made me straighten up and grow up.

nlovemyfamily

For XWS did you see the OP as a weapon used to destroy your family? Why would WS want to protect and defend OP (weapon) over his/her family? Why would WS continue to invest in OP when everything of value has been lost? Can't understand why retrieval and repolishing of the thrown away "diamond" be the focus for WS?

No, I did not see the OP as a weapon used to destroy my family. I see him as an entitled person who didn't care about my XH (we had no kids and I didn't consider us two a family). During my affair, I held no consideration to the fact that XH and I were married and I had made promises to him. I considered them to basically be equal possibilities for a relationship for my future---nothing more, nothing less. I was very self-centered and looking back considered my wedding vows (entire marriage, really) meaningless. I clearly had no business being married. Post-D-day, I didn't continue to invest in the OP but I also didn't consider everything of value to have been lost.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 8:32 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bdell -

I was wondering what methods you WS's use to regain the love/desire that the affair destroyed?

I did nothing. It was my H's prerogative to love me or not - whether I deserved it or not. I could be a jerk and it would be his decision to love me. Or I could be a saint and it would be his decision that the A was a deal breaker. His decision to keep loving me was not mine to influence.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6075 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

soconfusednow -

What can the BS & WS do to help BS learn to trust again?

I don't think the WS can do anything. The BS makes the decision to trust or not. Every supposedly trustworthy action can hide cheating. So it's up to you to decide and set a boundary for yourself that if you ever discover infidelity again that you will know how to enforce it, however you decide.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6075 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, Unexpectedsong, the BS has to have some point of reference to base any decision on, right? If he/she only has the affair to base the decision on, then he/she would be a fool to R. If, on the other hand, the WS has done and is doing all in their power to prove themselves, the decision would be based on actual, provable evidence. What I want to know is what you are doing or have done to prove that you love and desire him, above the AP.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not you personally, unexpectedsong. WS's in general.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 4:16 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he/she only has the affair to base the decision on, then he/she would be a fool to R.

Why not base your decision on just the affair?

If, on the other hand, the WS has done and is doing all in their power to prove themselves, the decision would be based on actual, provable evidence.

You are not proving anything to a court beyond a reasonable doubt. All you need to do is find what works for you. If your wife were the perfect, passionate, caring wife to you from now on, you still don't need to R.

And then there are people who live their WSes, they just do. In spite of "evidence", they still do.

What I want to know is what you are doing or have done to prove that you love and desire him, above the AP.

You are assuming that the AP was a love relationship. I have never needed to prove anything - to compare my H to the AP is an insult to my H. The AP never had anything over my H. And I do not feel the need to "prove" any of this.

If you kind of think of the AP as alcohol, for example... People say "it's me or the bottle", as if the bottle had anything over the spouse. It's not like that. Even if a WS is too weak to give up the bottle (affair), that does not mean the bottle (AP) is "better".


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6075 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was wondering if any of the WS's had been in an A prior to the M they're now (or were) in that brought them here. Did being in that A influence the recent one in any way? If you were single but the AP in the prior A was M, did you view it as an A since you weren't in a relationship at the time?

If no one feels comfortable answering, clearly I understand.


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony


Posts: 248 | Registered: Dec 2012
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unexpected, you have to realize that I am very new to this shitstorm, and am trying to feel my way around. I can relate to a lot of what you say. My wife has said that she NEVER thought the om was , in any way , better than me. I believe that (as far as I know) she is telling me the truth. I have heard her refer to him as a "substitute" for her real love (me). I am pretty sure that the sex was subpar, but at this stage, I need constant reinforcement from her, in the form of provable evidence. Ending the affair isn't nearly enough, without provable evidence that she has fixed her issues so it can never occur again.
Does your husband trust you as he did before the A? Does he believe that you truly love and respect him now, when you didn't before? I understand that there are some people who have the sort of blind love that you describe, but I can't see how that matters to R, at all. Is that what you are saying? Help me to understand.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
GotMyLifeBck2013
♂ Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So bdell you got your answer. Nothing.


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
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