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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 8
GotMyLifeBck2013
♂ Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So now that my sad joke is out there, what i have heard other waywards say is total transparancy, get into counseling, read like heck, make your betrayed your only priority, total access to everything phone fb email, etc....for starters.


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bdell,

I mean this gently: it seems as though you are fixating on trying to prove things that can't really be proven. There's no way to prove what's in someone's heart. There's no way to prove whether sex was better or worse with whomever. The assurance you're looking for takes lots of time and consistent actions from your wife to build. Trust isn't measurable in the way you're trying to measure it.

I get the sense that you want this proof of the unprovable, as it were, so you don't feel as though you'd be wasting your time trying to R. And I get that; I'm sure many feel that way, both BS and WS. But as they say, there are no guarantees in life.

It's OK to choose not to R. It's also OK if you give it a chance but later decide it's not working out. I wish you the best in the path that is right for you.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 2:39 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2090 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
GotMyLifeBck2013
♂ Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"What can the BS & WS do to help BS learn to trust again?"

This doesn't appear to be that tough of a question.

I've answered from the BS perspective and think this is more of a practical question that can be answered. I've heard a lot of waywards say consistent action, dedication, taking the anger and frustration without being angry, transparency, etc.

Seems like there's some miscommunication happening here, but the questions Bdell has asked don't appear to be too far out of the realm of answerable, just my opinion.


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 3:43 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GotMyLifeBck2013...

This thread is for BS's to ask questions, not for BS's to engage with each other.

Seems like there's some miscommunication happening here, but the questions Bdell has asked don't appear to be too far out of the realm of answerable, just my opinion.

Do not mistake the generosity of the WS's who are in here answering questions (that aren't even asked by their own BS's) as some sort obligation to answer every single thing that's asked of them.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197051 | Registered: May 2002
GotMyLifeBck2013
♂ Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

....

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:41 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

total transparancy, get into counseling, read like heck, make your betrayed your only priority, total access to everything phone fb email, etc....for starters.

For concrete steps... You decide what you need to feel safe. If you want access to all devices, then your WS can agree or not. If yes, is that sufficient? Considering email accounts are easily made. If no, do you walk away?

My H said my wearing a wire was not sufficient. Nor would a 24-hour detail. One glance, one step away... An affair is easily conducted in full view.

My H never asked for cell photos to prove where I was. He hates checking my devices. I give him all my passwords, but we are both very cagey about looking at work devices.

Counseling - I did that for me. Not for him.

Does he trust me? I don't know. I don't ask him and it doesn't matter to me. It's not other people's trust in me that matters - it's what kind of person am I for myself.

My cheating was not directed at him. Neither is my healing. And his.

So maybe he does not trust me at all. But he loves me. And he has made his decision to stay.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6083 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
2yrsblind
♂ Member
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartbroken0903

My M was similar to yours with the difference being age and my WW's intent.

We started dating at 16 married at 22 (too young) she cheated at 24, said she had formed an emotional connection with a guy she worked with and had been physical with him(a story that never felt right to me). We divorced at 26 even though I was checked out and half way gone on D-day. Part of me stayed because I wanted to prove people wrong.

After 2 years (2 years is magic) we reconnected. At this point she was finally honest about the infidelity. Turned out she had a two week sex-a-ton with some random guy. Her "WHY'S"? Sex was difficult for us. She was a smaller woman and a virgin I was her first and only. We were sexually active only twice before M, only after being engaged. I'm larger down there and had no clue what I was doing. Porn was my roadmap. Yeah, so that worked out great. Sex was painful for her and she avoided it at all cost. I had no clue how to fix it. She said she wanted to know if it was me or her also the idea of being with someone else had been on her mind for a while. Said she
almost did it before we got M but got scared. She simply wanted another guy sexually and thought by picking some random guy it would be just sex and easy to walk away from. She told me the "emotional connection story" because she felt in my eyes it would make her seem like less of a slut.

I ended it the second time because she pushed too hard for "US" again. We remained friendly until I met my current wife.

Finally my question for you (or any other WW) how much of a factor did what you feared your BH would think of you play in holding back the truth or confessing?

One more question that really doesn't apply to me, in thinking about leaving for the OM was it in part because it would be easier then facing up to what you had done to BH?



The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question for WW in particular, but WH may have a feeling about it -- it is perhaps kind of sexist.

When I think of some of the things that my H's AP did, it strikes me that after the affair bubble burst, that if I were her, I would feel humiliated thinking about them. I know my husband feels shame, but I feel like, as a woman, that -- for example -- sleeping with your friend's husband, or having sex in his truck, would have an element of degradation that for some reason I feel is particular to women. What do you think? I have to say that feeling this way has actually made me feel a speck of compassion for her. But, perhaps I am just projecting how I imagine I might feel.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:57 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1859 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure how a WH would feel, but as a woman the answer is yes. I did allow myself to be degraded and thinking about it makes me shake my head and feel ashamed and embarrassed over the way I behaved. Some of the interactions were particularly seedy, and I still think back and wonder what the hell I was thinking.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37162 | Registered: Sep 2007
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unexpected, your attitude is surprising , to say the least. You seem to have little concern about your spouses' welbeing. ( I'm getting this from your posts, so I'm not trying to diss you) So , in view , of your attitude , do you think it is more or less likely that you would cheat again?

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW, unexpected, I thank you for your sincere answers. I may not agree with your assessment of infidelity, but I am here to learn as much as I can, before I decide to D or R, and ALL views are very helpful.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Authentic - thanks for answering. I am trying to find some empathy for her, and I keep thinking how I would have felt so low after the high wore off. . . especially after leaving a hotel, etc. My H said he had no self-respect, and I know that must've been the case for her as well.

It is hard for me to see my H (who otherwise is a good and loving person) doing this to someone else under the guise of "love." It is so twisted. It bothers him greatly that he, in essence, "used" someone. (Of course, he was used as well.) Thanks again - I hope someone else will reply, too.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1859 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes this is where some personal major disgust in myself and shame, it shows or tells me how much I lacked respect for myself , my mind and my body.

This is why I can understand the BS's when they say they can't touch their WS , I hate being in my body, and and having these memories to live with.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 399 | Registered: Apr 2013
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS Question here:

Seriously...If you have decided that your heart is with your AP, why not just go ahead and go? What are you waiting on? I mean, with ANYTHING comes work. Hell EVERYTHING. I mean, Usain Bolt is the fastest man in the world, but he still has to go to practice./work everyday.

If you have decided that your heart is with the AP and you are no longer in love with your spouse, why not do EVERYONE a favor and go be where you want to be? Why inflict pain on everyone, but mostly on yourself? If your AP is lacking in a few areas that you like about your spouse, work that shyt out and be with the AP. Unless you are truly committed to the time and effort/work it would take the find someone who encompasses ALL the traits you want in a mate just make it work with the one you truly want anyways.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartbroken, you may be right that I am asking the impossible. But from what I can see, overcoming adultery is mainly about the BS being asked to bet on a long shot. In fact, the only PROVABLE evidence is the cheating, itself. And this is what sticks in my craw. The BS is asked to forgive, to take a "leap of faith", to understand the WS, etc, but is given almost no concrete reasons for doing so. Now I understand that my wife is extremely remorseful, but I want something, anything, to try to base reconciliation on. I ask the former WS's for help and examples of what THEY are doing and what they can do, to give the BS re-assurance, whatever those actions might be. I also understand that there are no guarantees.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The BS is asked to forgive, to take a "leap of faith", to understand the WS, etc, but is given almost no concrete reasons for doing so.

Bdell...there's one concrete reason. It's called love.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bdell, I could be way off base here, but I see you struggling with the fact you can't control. You can't control R, you can't control the outcome. And yes absolutely, it's s-c-a-r-y.

UnexpectedSong's attitude is off-putting to you. But here's the thing. Contrary to what many foggy WS will tell a BS, the affair had absolutely nothing to do with the BS and everything to do with the WS. Sure a foggy WS will blame all kinds of crap on the BS. "His dick is bigger. She's tigher. He buys me flowers. She tells me I'm hot." Doesn't make that crap the BS's fault. The choice to cheat is completely in the lap of the WS. Sadly the BS is collateral damage. Ultimately, it is up to the WS to fix themselves.

You want a WS that will be a guarantee that they'll get their act together and is a candidate for R? Take US as an example. She heals what's broken inside herself. She becomes a safer person for not only herself, but everyone around her. She has and is fixing herself, regardless of what her husband does or does not do in regards to R or trust. She becomes a healthier person for herself. Obviously her BH sees something in her worth keeping around cause they're together, yes?

It takes TIME. Lots of time, effort, and hard work.

You're what, two months from Dday? The only thing you may find comfort in right now is total transparency, access to all accounts and social media, her in IC, date nights, HB, whatever. But with TIME and consistent action on her part, healing the faulty parts of her, healing her self-respect, and you may see a woman that you can once again trust, and want to be with.

There's no magic pill. There's no easy button. No answer is going to be good enough. Ultimately it doesn't matter what the WS on SI tell you. You have to see the actions in your own wife and base your decision to R on that.

I could give you a whole laundry list of stuff. But what works for my BS isn't going to necessarily work for you. kwim?

What do YOU need? What do YOU want? Figure it out. Give your wife your requirements. See what happens.

My husband married me knowing I was broken. He thought getting me out of a toxic environment would help. But the toxic had seeped into my system and I continued in my self-destructing ways. He endured years of emotional abuse, financial infidelity, and marital infidelity. He held on for way longer than alot of other people would. Why? He loved me. He desperately wanted me to get healthy. But until I was ready to look in the mirror of reality, it didn't matter what he did. By some miracle, I "woke up" before his "give a dang" broke. We're solidly R'd and have made incredible strides in our marriage.

It took tons of time and consistency.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 1:20 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6127 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Justdesserts, I already know that I love my wife, so in that respect , I'm halfway home. It's her love for me that is in question.
Aubrie, I'm actually not put off by Unexpected's attitude, as I truly think that more WS's than will admit , have the same self-centered attitude. I find Unexpected's answers, honest, if not particularly empathetic. And I really appreciate her taking time to talk to me, as I do all other WS's. I guess a lot of my doubt is simply impatience. After all, she has had 4 years to "fix" herself, and only now, after discovery, is she putting forth the effort at self improvement that I feel is beneficial, long term. I understand that she got some really bad advice immediately after the affair ended, and I have to admit that she has been a model wife since then, but it all rings hollow and fake to me right now. How do you WS's deal with the rightful anger of your BS's? Especially those who were caught instead of confessing.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW, Aubrie, she is doing all that you said and much more. One of the biggest reasons we are not seperated is her determination to prove her love to me.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stand corrected in regards to the "put-off" vibe. Apologies.

After all, she has had 4 years to "fix" herself, and only now, after discovery, is she putting forth the effort at self improvement that I feel is beneficial, long term.
QS gave me chance after chance to fix myself. It was the same old song and dance for 8 1/2 years. He told me and told me, but to no avail. Not till I hit my rock bottom did things change. It hurts my heart that I wasted so many years, so many chances. We could have been great had I gotten my act together much earlier in our relationship. Sure, we're great now. But it came at such a high cost. The scars a great, the battle was brutal.

she is doing all that you said and much more. One of the biggest reasons we are not seperated is her determination to prove her love to me.
That is very encouraging.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6127 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
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