Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: MinaH (44939)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 8
Oftencheatedon
♀ Member
Member # 41268
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For a WH that has been married twice:

Why were you faithful to one of your wives while you cheated on the other like crazy?

Why was one worthy of being faithful to but not the other?

[This message edited by Oftencheatedon at 4:59 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]


Posts: 107 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: AL
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T
here is a lot of emphasis of finding out the whys of an affair. But, once the whys are discovered and addressed, how do you work through the guilt or shame? Does it interfere with accepting love and forgiveness from your BS? I guess im wondering how did WS's here forgive themselves; accept who they were or what they did? Books, IC? What could a BS do to help with that
?

Its hard one for sure, and still working at it. How to work through the guilt and shame. Accepting what I did and trying to learn from it, I'm not sure it will ever go away.

Yes it does interfere, Because it leaves me feeling unworthy, my issue in the first place. Its hard to believe , that my BH can be loving to me and loves me. For all that I have done to him, and it hard to get past the fact that by accepting that he loves me, I have lived the last 15 years missing out on a much better life. Cause with him loving me means I am worthy and everything I perceived was not true.!

In a way, as my BH says it, is the same for them. I can say I love him, Ican be loving to him, but he has a hard time believeing it, cause I changed his reality. In a way we have reversed roles. And it somewhat has allowed me to understand partially how he feels.

Yes IC and books help, I am learning the difference between shame and guilt and how it affect one perception of themselves. And taking action to change it.

As for what can the BS do. Just keep saying and doing what they do, I am taking this from my own relationship. Its hard to know which is true one day he can tell me he hates me, then the next hour he's telling me he loves me. But when he holds me I can feel it. When I am in his arms, I get a second of peace. ANd he says he feels better when we are holding each other too.

What caused you to end the A and want to pursue R, was it the discovery of the A or something else?

Both, It was my rock bottom, when he first found out, I told him I wanted to leave, the reality is it was my guilt talking, I had thought about it, and considered, finding a job, looked at what rent would cost, new I could do it. BUT, never took it any further, I had the job turned it down, I had access to the money didn't use it, I had lots of homes to choose didn't do it. It was taking a drug once it started, and quite a bit of the time if I was with the AP I was wishing it was my BH, sick I know. The things we doing for activities were what I wished I was doing with my BH. The AP was just a stand in. if that makes sense, and my brain and hormones kicked in and wanted more. In some ways I wish I snorted coke, for that fix.

Not sure if that helps.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
statistic
♀ Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH gave my an ultimatum - either come home or we are done. We'e been separated for 2 months. Did you ever give your BS an ultimatum? How did/would he/she respond?

I have our infant daughter with me. I left because I was hurt and angry after discovering the affair and months of lies, blaming, gas lighting, etc. The few times I approached him about the affair turned into huge screaming matches. I also knew I fell to pieces after the first time I thought I discovered the affair. I came to live with my parents so they could help me with the baby.

Ive not returned home because I needed to see consistent patience from him - no anger, frustration, walking away or hanging up on me, yelling, insulting- before I thought it safe to return. I saw glimpses of that, but nothing consistent. For instance, I was triggered by a work event he attended where the OW shows up. I brought up the need for him to look for another job. This is because they both previously broke NC for several months while i was pregnant. I don't feel safe when he works there.

Now he says that we cannot R as long as I am away. He is tired of not seeing his daughter everyday. I agree that begin separated makes it much harder on us all.

Am I sabotaging our chances by being stubborn and wanting to see some change before returning? Am I asking for too much (NC, transparency, answering my questions without anger, being available to talk when I'm really struggling without anger, find a new job, counseling) ? Our MC say that my husbands ultimatum is him reacting out of desperation. He is hurting and wants us back so badly, he is going through extreme measures to get us back, even if it is not the right way to do it. For some reason, this line if thinking does to mke me feel better. Were you ever so angry or disgusted with yourself that you directed it towards your BS? I"m trying to understand how he can ask for us to return while obviously looking annoyed and frustrated with men ad the situation. It does not make returning him look very good to me.


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


Posts: 152 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What caused you to end the A and want to pursue R, was it the discovery of the A or something else?

Yes, it was discovery.

Before being busted, I begrudgingly had decided to end the A because I had decided my XH was the better partner. It wasn't until I was actually faced with the reality of my M ending that I realized it was something I actually wanted to repair.

Statistic,

I agree that you need certain things from your WS and I don't think you're asking too much. However, I do think separation makes R very difficult. It's an unfair position for you to be in, since it was WS's actions that led to this and he's the one giving ultimatums. I don't agree with his issuing an ultimatum, at all, but I do see his point about separation. I'm sure I would feel the same way---especially with a new baby. However, given that he claims to want R so badly, he should be doing everything you need him to do in order to make that a reality.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled and remarried.


Posts: 2136 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a few questions. First, did any of you fear that your spouse would cheat out of revenge? Did you ever accuse your spouse of cheating after you got caught? And if you did, why?


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
statistic
♀ Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your reassurance . I already feel guilty about the role I've played in ruining our chances of R. But I wasn't ready to return. He would show effort and remorse, this past week for instance, then I'd be triggered by something major and completely meltdown. He saw this as lack of movement on my part and instead me trying to continue to pick fights with him. His lack of support and warmth would upset me even further and we would have a major fight. This is why I did not go home. This is when he have me an ultimatum.


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


Posts: 152 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Statistic,

You are not wrong in sticking to your guns and enforcing your requirements for R. You didn't ruin anything... HE did.

I understand him thinking R can't happen while you are apart, but the ball is in HIS court. You're not staying out of the home to "punish" him---you're staying out until he meets your requirements, which is reasonable and healthy for you and your baby.

Talk is cheap. His actions are what count.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled and remarried.


Posts: 2136 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any of the WS confess their Affair? If so, why? Thanks for any input.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 202 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
statistic
♀ Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for listening, HB0903.


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


Posts: 152 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cl131716,

I did not accuse my XH of cheating after I got caught...even though he started fucking my xBFF within 2 weeks of D-day and had her moved in to the marital home within a month. We were separated heading to D so I didn't consider it "cheating." My mother DID accuse him of committing adultery, which by technical definition he did, although it wasn't "cheating" to me. I did consider it sleazy in the way it all went down though. But she ended up cheating on him anyway, at which point I cued up the world's tiniest violin.

Disclaimer #1: my mother had found out about my A by that time, and

Disclaimer #2: she did not accuse XH in person. She is more gracious than that.

As for having been afraid he would cheat in revenge: I never gave it much thought because we moved so quickly into D.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 6:55 PM, December 9th (Monday)]


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled and remarried.


Posts: 2136 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
johhn
♂ New Member
Member # 41602
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS says she cant remember when the EA started and refuses to give me even an approximate time line( i suspect about 4 years ) even though i know that the PA started about 18 months ago.
I find this hard to believe and cannot accept that something so monumental to our 20 year marrage can be "forgotten"
my question is can a person slip into a EA without realizing it ?

Posts: 1 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: UK
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

johhn

Most likely she wants to sweep it under the rug and move on. She doesn't want to burden herself with the guilt she might feel, if she mentally goes back and documents her wrongdoings.

Don't let her get away with that. For both your sakes.

To answer your question, yes. Many of the As I've read about here, start out in the workplace and progress from "just friends" to something more. So it may legitimately be difficult to nail down a date when the conversations became inappropriate. But it's also very common for WSs to claim to "forget," at first too. It's also common for us to give half-truths, in a misguided attempt to avoid hurting our BS.

Welcome to SI. May I encourage you to post in Just Found Out or General, where the veteran BSs can offer you support and solidarity?


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AndreaL
Did any of the WS confess their Affair? If so, why?
The only A I confessed was my 4th. Because it was the only one I hid. Sadly, EA wasn't a term that QS and I were familiar. (The first 3 were EAs.) My 4th A was EA, technically PA, but not consummated because of distance. (if that makes any sense at all)

Anyhoo, I confessed. Why? Because I hit my rock bottom. I had effed my/our life up completely. I had broken vows I made to my husband and he had a right to know what I was doing. I had wronged him and it was his business to know what I had been doing and make a decision based off the information he was given.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 1:34 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Aubrie. I have another question. For any WS, did any of you only want to reconcile because you had kids? and were scared to loose your life as a 'family'? Thanks


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 202 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AndreaL,
did any of you only want to reconcile because you had kids?
Kids were a secondary factor for us. We wanted to reconcile because we wanted us to work as a couple. If it didn't, we'd cross the bridge with the kid thing.

and were scared to loose your life as a 'family'?
Terrified. It's one reason I was so petrified to confess. Losing QS and the kids was a scary thought. Regardless, I confessed. My crap actions had consequences. If losing my family was one of those, so be it. That was the risk I took.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
kmom2662
♀ Member
Member # 41494
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Andrea--
I confessed (partially-- I still hid a lot to try to protect myself) because I couldn't stand the mental stress of hiding things, making up things, and trying to act like everything was normal. I spent the last few weeks feeling more and more terrible, until we had a fight and it all came pouring out. I had never really had any secrets from H before. The cost of the deception became worse than the benefit I was getting from it.


Me-- WW, 49
Him-- BH, 53 (bobf)
Married 22 years
OEA, chat/email with multiple people over an 8 week period, 8/2013-10/4/2013
D-day 10/4/13
Working on reconciliation

Posts: 69 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United states
lostmylight55
♂ Member
Member # 33517
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AndreaL,
I got into my A for selfish reasons (because I wanted to) and I think I ended my A for selfish reasons in some ways too. I hit my rock bottom and just wanted everything to go back to the way it was. I saw my future as being bleak and empty. I wanted my life back.

I was very scattered at the time. I was overwhelmed with a lot of fear and anxiety. I realized my marriage would be over if I stood back and did nothing and I didn't want that. I also wanted out of my A and thought one of the only ways to get out and the AP to go away was to confess.

Even though I confessed, I still tried to manipulate the outcome, by lying, to save my skin. I put my BW through hell for a long time prior to my A, I was horrible to her during my A and I still didn't respect her feelings enough to be honest after confessing. My selfishness didn't suddenly go away overnight just because I confessed and the A ended.

I am not proud of myself on any level for my behavior or how I treated my BW. I know if I had just ended my A and kept it to myself and tried to smooth things over with my BW, I would not have changed anything about myself. I would forever be in self protection mode, and we would never share any honesty and true intimacy in our relationship as we have now. I needed to be humbled. Plus, I think my wife would have blamed herself for our marriage ending.

We don't have kids and financially we are both secure so the only reason for us getting this far is for us. I consider my wife my family.


My Boundaries are firm: Trespassers will be shot on sight.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Oct 2011
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you to everyone for your candid responses. It is giving me a lot to think about.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 202 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AndreaL,

No to wanting to R for the kids---we didn't have kids.

Yes to being scared of losing my life & family.

But that was on D-day. Now, almost 4 years later, we are in R just because we love each other.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled and remarried.


Posts: 2136 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After your affair(s) or sexual acting out came to light and the fog lifted, did you consider that part of the reason you weren't satisfied in your marriage or looked outside of your marriage was because you weren't participating in the marriage?

This is something I am struggling with now. I've moved beyond focusing on the affair. But I am now questioning myself: do I want to fight so hard for a marriage that was miserable, in large part, because I was the only person participating in it? And even I checked out of it after awhile? I'm not perfect…but I tried to be a partner in every sense and was essentially shut out by my husband. He is taking a lot of steps towards changing his ways but I hesitate to reconcile if that is what marriage looks like to him and if he can't take responsibility for why things sucked.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 892 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.