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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 8
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a question for fWS who were foggy for quite a while after Dday....

I often read about WS who can't remember things during the A. However, my H (who typically remembers everything!), has twice lately forgotten incidents between us (relating to sex) that happened during (false?) R. Sorry if TMI, but recently said "we should try X" which is something I tried after he suggested it last summer... He honestly doesn't remember me having done it. (X isn't any big deal - just a fun nuance to something we already do/did).

Another thing he forgot was his pissy reaction to a playful way I tried to initiate sex once during that same time period. He tried the same thing on me lately, being playful, and I was astonished because of his reaction when I tried it previously.

Also, during his "foggier" days of still feeling "love" for both of us, yet trying to R, he would say things like "I'm still emotionally attached to her" and "I'm not physically connecting with you" (although when we had sex, he would say it was great).

I know WS can say and do irrational things during the A. But after the A? Would your opinion be that because he hadn't emotionally or mentally disconnected, that this was really still A behavior? It's just so confusing to me.

Even he is confused now. Really confused. It's almost like he was a completely different person, not just during the A, but in the post-mortem period. Now, he can't even identify with that guy.

Has any other WS experienced anything like this?

Is it just this? from HUFI:

Unknown Poster - The mind of a WS is a very sordid, confused place during the preamble, main body, and post mortem of an A. Don't give us too much credit for rational thought

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 4:47 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 680 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm reposting because I don't think too many saw this as a question.


2. They turn to the IDK mode in a misguided attempt to spare you from further hurt and pain. As the facts come out and we see you reeling in pain, again and again, we might try to shield you from further pain by minimizing information by either conscious or subconscious withholding of information.
We BSs see this again and again - "I lied to protect you, to keep from hurting you, etc."

I personally think that the reality is that it's not about not hurting the BS. I think it's about not hurting or embarrassing the WS. I don't think the BS 'hurting' is the fear. I think the BS becoming enraged, leaving, or simply hating the WS is the fear. I think lying is all about protecting the WS and not at all about protecting the BS, and that this is just another lie told by many a WS.

Thoughts on my belief here? After all, if a person is begging for the truth, how does anyone think they are doing said person a favor by continuing to lie? And who gains from the lie, except the WS? Why continue to blame the BS for the WS's bad behavior?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 5:35 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

painfulpast...

There really isn't a reason to re-post your previous reply. Members saw it and some answered and others didn't. They're not obligated to answer every BS question in here.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197789 | Registered: May 2002
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks DS - as the only response to this came from a BW - I assumed it was seen as a follow up comment on my prior question (which was answered) and not as a separate question.

I definitely didn't mean to be offensive. I just didn't seen any responses to this and thought that perhaps it was viewed only as a follow up comment.

thanks


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No problem


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197789 | Registered: May 2002
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a question for fWS who were foggy for quite a while after Dday.

Unfortunately I'm qualified.

Even he is confused now. Really confused. It's almost like he was a completely different person, not just during the A, but in the post-mortem period. Now, he can't even identify with that guy.

My affairs were a type of dissociation. (I didn't know WTF that was till my therapist told me.) It really was like I was a different person. Not like clinical "multiple personality" because I do recall the events of my affairs. But I definitely switched into and out of my "cheater" persona.

Many times in the early months after DDay, BH would swear we were having the same conversation again, but I didn't remember having it the first time. Dealing with me in my foggy days was, I'm sure, a special kind of hell. If both of those "forgotten" incidents occurred during a time when he was really foggy, I do believe he could be subconsciously blocking out those memories.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response thereís a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1180 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
StillStanding1
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Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for your answer, 20vs1. That was actually very helpful to me. The whole concept of the "cheater persona" is helping me to perhaps finally understand some of the things he did/said in the first 6 months that were out of character for how he was acting most of the time. That's been a source of intense confusion and obsession for me.

These latest "forgotten moments" seem to have actually freaked HIM out now. (Usually I'm the one with the bad memory and the butt of the jokes!)


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 680 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
heartbroken0903
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Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mike7,

Sorry it took me so long to get back to this thread---I've had the week from hell at work.

As usual, you ask very valid, good, and thought-provoking questions. I don't find them too personal; I do find it somewhat difficult to explain. Sometimes it doesn't fully make sense even to me.

Is this the endpoint that we reach after the work?

It's the endpoint I happened to reach. I think mine and XH's path to this point has been out of the norm for most couples, though. I don't think this is the best result, but it's certainly not the worst either.

It appears to me that you have done your work for yourself. And I agree that is what needs to be done. But it also seems that you don't really hold your XH with much affection. You seem very dispassionate with regard to him as if his feelings and your feelings toward him are not really the point.

I would say that I do feel more affection for him than I tend to express on SI. However---contradictory as this may sound---I agree that my feelings toward him (or his toward me) are not really the point. Not anymore. I've undergone such a dramatic shift over the past 4 years on that subject.


about the same as I feel telling anyone I love them; fake and forced.

does this include your XH?

Somewhat. Not because it isn't true, but because the connotation of what is meant when someone says "I love you" isn't what I mean. When I say "I love you," I mean "I'll do what's best for you and for us. I will respect you and honor you and encourage you to be your best self." I don't mean, "I have mushy-gushy feelings and butterflies in my tummy over you." I know most couples "love" the first way, and also still have the second way as a part of their lives. I happen to not. It's nothing XH did or didn't do; it's me. And right now, that's OK. Because if I allow myself to go down the road of looking for that second way, then I'm setting myself up for disappointment and dissatisfaction and a wayward mindset/dry adultery.

I only ask this because I hope that in the end my WW does not come to the conclusion that she wants to stay with me because it's easier, or the right thing, or because it's an election she has chosen or it's because of an obligation she owes me.

I understand your POV. But yet I have to ask: are those reasons really bad ones?

ETA: I read over my post and had to come back to edit to add...those reasons you list (that you don't want your W to have as the sole reasons for remaining M) are not my sole reasons. I could write a long list of things I enjoy about my XH and enjoy about being in a relationship with him, and it certainly wouldn't solely consist of things like "I don't feel like looking for anyone else" or "I owe it to him to try because I fucked up 4 years ago." If those were my only reasons...well, that would be pretty shitty of me. All I'm asking is, if those are some of a person's reasons for being/remaining in a relationship, is that really a negative?

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 10:56 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled and remarried.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
mike7
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Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if those are some of a person's reasons for being/remaining in a relationship, is that really a negative?

no, not at all. I think you're right, exactly right about everything. To be honest, I'm surprised, because I didn't think what you had written before was very good in the sense that it seemed sad. but you've managed to be enlightening, at least for me.

I agree that relying on the "butterflies in the tummy" love or searching for it is dangerous because I don't see how it can last. And searching for the romance of all romances, the "Bridges of Madison County" nonsense is really what causes infidelity. Searching for the source of the rainbow to look for the pot of gold.

thank you for your insight.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
Shayna71
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Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HUFI-PUFI

Thank you Thank you Thank you

I read your story, and it made me cry. I really needed to have something tangible that proved to me that it IS possible that my husband did this and is DONE, like he says. There are SO many on here with multiple DDays, and multiple OPs, trickle truth, that sometimes no matter what my H is doing, how perfect it seems (like you said you were the perfect WS), I have a hard time believing it. Your story gave me hope. Hope that I CAN trust him. The possibility that this really WAS the anomaly it seems like. He was a wonderful, wonderful husband for 19.5 years. I couldn't have felt more blessed. I believed wholeheartedly that he was a truly good man, and there is a part of me that won't give that up. Good people do bad things...then they fess up, and fix it! That's why I never call him my WH, just my H. I don't want to "define" him in my mind by this one act. Again, thank you SO much, and I will pray for you and your wife.


Me: BW 46
Him: WH 42
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 26, DS, 19 DD, 18
Currently in R

Posts: 125 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NikkiD - For the WS...what did you struggle with? What types of feelings did do you go through? What do you struggle with the most?

Obviously, I canít speak for your H but based on my own experience and from reading my fellow WS posts, I firmly feel that a truly remorseful WS struggles mightily during the aftermath of the affair. We experience pain, hurt, confusion and emotional trauma similar to that which the BS must endure as we also struggle with the blowing apart of the foundations of our lives and marriages.

And on top of them, we also deal with tremendous guilt and shame and an overwhelming sense of remorse.

Blindbat - In all honesty, I don't know whether itís worse to deal with the shit dumped on you through no fault of your own, or the shit you know you've brought on yourself through quite deliberate actions. Both way, both parties have to live with it and it's hell all round.

Some people have this idea that only the BS suffers the consequences of adultery, however, I can say from my own experience, thatís not true. You canít find regret and remorse in your life without having to deal with a lot of hurt, self-inflicted, in fact.

I could talk of the loss of social respect, the condemnation of fellow church members; I could talk about the loss of employment. There are many costs depending on the circumstances of the affair. Thatís something that is unique to each case but IMHO, there is a common punishment that all remorseful WSís will face.

The WS of Tryingtwo - I have ruined part of us that I cannot give back. I will try for the rest of my life to give back to you what I took away, but it will never be enough. I will live forever knowing what I ruined. I am so ashamed so when you want to talk about the A, or you need to vent, it isn't that I donít' want to hear you, it is because I am so disgusted with myself I cannot bear to hear it.

While the WS has to deal with a lot of consequences, I think that a life of living with and dealing with bouts of guilt, shame, regret and remorse is the real punishment. This is what enters the bones of a WS and settles down for a lifetime of torment. How do you ever make up for this? The simple truth is that every WS knows that regardless of forgetfulness and irrespective of forgiveness, the simple fact remains that the A will always be their fault and that knowledge will never go away.

And we have to somehow learn to live with that understanding. We have lost everything and we can never get it back. No matter what. No more second chances. No more little mistakes. Every WS fears that each mistake will now become the straw that broke the camelís back. Forever vigilant and forever remorseful. Wow, what an ironic punishment for someone who wanted to taste freedom on the other side of the fence.

srb1608 - My WH said the other day that he has to live with the fact that he took away our innocence. That with every breath he takes until his last he will have to live with what he has done to me. I think the truly remorseful have so much pain that its actually punishment in itself.

You know, if you look at the WS posts, there is a pattern of hurt there, born of the words in each post. On page one, right now, these are the words and phrases that jump out at me. Ashamed, disgusted, angry, lost my integrity, I lost everything, she will never look at me with trust, I am so sorry and I will regret this forever.

I donít think those are words that are written by WSís who feel like they have gotten off scot free. IMHO, these are written by WSís who recognize the pain of the affair and their sole responsibility for that pain and who understand the depths of that self- recrimination.

Lucidlunacy - Some things don't fade or dim with time. The lessons you truly learn, the realizations you make, and the regret you live with doesnít. They are integrated into you and are reinforced over time. You can't create a punishment and hell for someone more than they create for themselves with the type of life they choose to lead.

For a truly remorseful WS, I think they have to come to the acceptance that from now on, nothing is innocent or the same anymore. And itís our fault and our guilt and our future. I think we have a hard time saying this out loud, I know I do. I think that many of the WSís have a hard time with this. Not because it doesn't exit but rather, because weíre trying the ostrich defense. If we keep our heads low, perhaps the shame and guilt and despair will miss us instead. Ah, if only it was that easy.

But in our bones, we know that no punishment can absolve us of the guilt and none will ever absolve us of our failure to fulfill our marriage vows. No punishment is just enough as compared to what we perhaps will dish out to ourselves in our guilt, shame, remorse and regret.

I donít want to get into some weird comparison but trust me, looking into your spouseís eyes and seeing a monster being reflected back is not easy. Knowing and accepting the guilt for this destruction damages oneís soul and heart. Your WS might be close to total despair over his actions and is quite possibility trying not only to put his life together but his whole self back. The loss of integrity, self-respect and honour beggars the very words that I am trying to use to describe it. Thatís the punishment that I am experiencing each day as I look into the mirror and see myself.

I struggle with my self-image. The A changed me and I donít like what I see. I donít like the lesson that I have learned and I donít like how it came to be. The HUFI that stares at me in the mirror is not the same person that I used to see only a few years ago. My cheating meant that I wasn't the ďsoul mateĒ to LF that I had always pictured myself as. I used to be secretly proud of being seen as the good guy, now I hide my secret shame. I used to be a knight in shining armor and now I struggle with the loss of my innocence.

I struggle mightily with the simple reality that as LF lost trust in me, it now means that she will never be sure of my love and I fear that I might never be able to convince her of my love anymore. Doubt gnaws at the soul and for some of us, there might never be enough him to allow for healing.

I struggle with the fact that at the root of it all, I failed to live up to myself. Somehow, I failed myself. The HUFI that I was was simply not good enough to have honor when I needed it. Not good enough to have integrity when it was demanded of me. Not good enough to stay faithful when the temptation was there. I have a whole HUFI to put back together again. I feel like Humpty Dumpty some days and I worry about ever being put back together.

I struggle with talking to LF for looking at her, seeing her face to face, confuses me. LF doesn't look the same anymore post A due to hair loss and diet and I see that physical change each time I look at her and it triggers me. This new LF is only here because I fucked up. Yup, my fault.

I struggle with second guessing myself with you and I never had to worry about that before. Iím not secure that my gestures of affection will ever be trusted again. Am I being passive or open to your opinion. Should I be more assertive or will you see that as needy? Sometimes it feels that we're not on the same page on mundane things, never mind the big ones.

I struggle with the loss of self-respect and integrity. You may be hurt and scared but at least, youíre secure in your own honor. I canít do that right now. I my mirror, I see someone who cheated on his wife,which means that I lost my integrity. I have to deal with bouts of guilt, shame, humiliation, disgrace and the the list goes on. And there are darker things that haunt us too.

I struggle with the reality that once upon a time, LF was my beautiful, sexy, warm, sensitive wife but but now I see a scared and hurt woman who has had her heart broken because she trusted me fully and completely with her heart. I see ďquestionsĒ in her eyes where before all I saw was certainty. I am seeing ďhurtĒ in her eyes when I should be seeing joy. I am seeing ďdisrespectĒ when I should be seeing pride. I struggle with the fear that those feelings might never come back again.

I struggle with opening myself up to further scrutiny. What if I confessed that I had a erotic dream of the AP? Would that be the last straw? Would you leave? Should I confess or hide the truth? How do I balance your needs and my fears? Communicating for most men is hard at the best of times and if you get caught in the shame spiral, it becomes even harder to talk.

I struggle with the whole friken concept of self-forgiveness and I struggle with the desire to have LF forgive me and I struggle with the thought that it is selfish and needy for me to want her forgiveness when I canít give her the trust and faith that she used to have.

I struggle with the realization that if I focus fully and completely at work, I can get through a whole day without thinking of the affair and that makes me feel guilty because inside me is someone that feels he should always feel guilty and responsible. When do we give ourselves permission to have a moment of peace?

So, yeah, there are things that a remorseful WS struggles with.

I think we struggle with everything that our BSís struggle with. We struggle with self-image, we struggle with confidence and self-awareness, we worry about money, children, impact on our jobs and the list goes on. And we also struggle with guilt and shame and self-recrimination. We worry about what the future holds, where we are going and whether or not R or D is real or not. We struggle.

HUFI


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3265 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
heartbroken0903
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Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're very welcome, Mike7. I thought about your questions and my post a little more yesterday, and I wanted to add this perspective as well:

I look at it a little bit like an arranged marriage of the old days. Imagine a woman who is about to meet and marry (at the same time) her husband. She doesn't know this guy, and she's probably scared out of her mind at the possibilities of what she could end up locked into for life. Will he be abusive, a womanizer, a run-of-the-mill jerk, physically repulsive, a bad provider, a falling-down drunk? No matter what she gets, she will have to live with it.

So imagine her surprise and delight when, as she gets to know him, she finds him to be handsome, caring, intelligent, attentive to her feelings, a hard worker, etc. Do you think she would be thinking about what he isn't; what he doesn't have that she wishes he did; about what she "could have had" with someone else? Hell no; she's thinking about how lucky she is that she gets all those positives when it could have turned out so much worse!

I've said before about my affair (which was with my ex) that I was the ultimate fence-sitter and cake eater because I couldn't decide. I knew them both "in reality" and they each had qualities I preferred and qualities I disliked. The majority of my growth in how I look at relationships over the past 4 years has been in realizing that it IS impossible to "have it all." You're not going to have everything. Your partner is not going to fulfill every.single.thing that you ever dreamed about in a relationship, sorry. Looking for it is a fool's errand. At some point, before one wastes the rest of their ONE life, they'd better learn to be happy about the good of what they've got rather than worrying about what they don't, is what I've learned.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 1:45 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled and remarried.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
brokeninside23
♂ New Member
Member # 42447
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all
I am four months out from d-day. My story is that 2 years ago my wife and I seemed to get into that busy, routine lifestyle. We were together but just going through the motions. Neither of us were great at communicating and saying what we wanted so we just continued on. During that time she had an affair with an ex.
Anyways, over these last four months I've done a lot of talking. I've realized how important my wife is and am on overdrive trying to show her how much I love her. I have gone to counselling, we started couples counselling and she had her first individual session yesterday.
Over this time, we have not been able to keep our hands off of each other. Not sure if it is both realizing how much we love each other or making up for lost time or guilt.
Anyways she just recently told me that she is finally starting to deal with her own issues and we finally talked about how we were as a couple prior and during the affair. It was good, real and made sense. However, now she says she is not emotionally able to be with me physically. She wants to hold hands, cuddle, kiss, etc but not the act. To me this feels like a rejection but I do understand how the mind is a powerful tool and can definitely impact the mood.
Now I am worried that I know what I want, understand how I was not a great husband during those 2 years (out of 10 together) but am more committed than ever but is she going the other direction? I want to show her all the time that I love her and I know that has to stop as it is overwhelming. My gut is empty and I just feel uncomfortable all the time.
Did anyone else go through something like this? How did you handle it?
She says she wants a future with me but needs to work on her. She did mention some time apart and that almost killed me. We decided to give that decision a bit more time as she has just started really talking and needs more time before a decision like that is made. I'll give her that but am really scared to death.
Thanks

Posts: 20 | Registered: Feb 2014
20WrongsVs1
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Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're scared to death. Of what? Her leaving you? Making decisions out of fear is rarely wise. It is time for you to let go of the outcome of your marriage, and stop trying to "nice" her back into the marriage that she ended by having an affair.

When you write this, I worry that you're blaming the marriage, and yourself, for her affair.

My story is that 2 years ago my wife and I seemed to get into that busy, routine lifestyle. We were together but just going through the motions. Neither of us were great at communicating and saying what we wanted so we just continued on.

Consider reframing your story. Two years ago your wife decided to be a selfish bitch and (I assume) have sex with another man. Repeatedly. That had zero, zip, nada to do with your communication issues. Her affair was all about her damage, her lack of healthy coping skills.

She says she wants a future with me but needs to work on her. She did mention some time apart

Did anyone else go through something like this?

Are you asking the WS if (after DDay) we went through feeling emotionally disconnected from our BS, denying sex to our BS, and asking for time apart? No, because if I had, BH would've divorced me.

You're right to be afraid, because "time apart" is Wayward-speak for, "I'd like to date other men for awhile, and see if I can do better than you. Will you be my fall-back position?" Trust me, early on in my recovery, I told my therapist I wished I could "get away and be alone for a couple of weeks." She and said, "Yeah, right. Alone. Uh-huh."

This is your answer right here:

My gut is empty and I just feel uncomfortable all the time.

Listen to your gut. Have you heard of the 180? Read up on it, here on SI, and implement it. Quit couples counseling, she's not ready for that. My sense is that you're doing everything you can to *prove to her what a great husband you can be! So she'll never stray again!* But no, she should be doing everything she can, to win you back. Denying you sex and saying she wants time apart? To me it sounds like you're the only one who's working to save this M.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response thereís a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1180 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
industriousbee
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Member # 41324
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS refuses a polygraph. Does this definitely mean he has something to hide or do you see any reason why a 100% remorseful wayward would deny a polygraph?


Married 8 years
ME BS 30
HIM WS 33
DD 1.5 years old
DDAY 11-13-12

Posts: 116 | Registered: Nov 2013
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I was still lying I thought of every excuse not to take a poly. Once I had told everything my first thought was that I wanted to take a poly so he knew I wasn't hiding anything anymore.

The idea of it wasn't pleasant, but at that point I'd have done anything to let him know there was no more TT.

I think it says a lot that he won't take it.

ETA, what is his 'reason' for not taking it?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:50 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)]


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37605 | Registered: Sep 2007
UnexpectedSong
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Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

do you see any reason why a 100% remorseful wayward would deny a polygraph?

The only reason I can think of is he is worried about getting a false positive - it says he is lying when he is not.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

industriousbee - My WS refuses a polygraph. Does this definitely mean he has something to hide or do you see any reason why a 100% remorseful wayward would deny a polygraph?

If he's truly remorseful and committed to honesty and transparent communication, then there can be no reason to refuse a polygraph provided its being administered by a reputable professional.

LF never asked me to take a poly but I think, depending on the how and why of her asking, I might have also been fearful of how my relies might have been taken. There's context and then there is out of context and while I can't presume to talk for your H, I know that while my commitment to open communication would have made be say yes, I think I would also have been fearful of how it would work out.

Fear is a powerful emotion in the WS's head in the aftermath of the affair.

HUFI


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3265 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
nealos
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Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

do you see any reason why a 100% remorseful wayward would deny a polygraph?

I know a few people who refuse to take a polygraph, and it's because they never came completely clean to their BSs. I know only one person who refuses to take a polygraph for other reasons, and he is an investigator... so he knows how to "beat" the test and doesn't personally trust them to be accurate.

Are you in MC? What does your therapist say about a polygraph test?

I begged my ex to let me take a poly, but she refused. I guess she'd rather just assume I was lying than know for sure. I mention this because I think sometimes people's motivation isn't rational or clear. It's also possible that your ws just wants to be trusted without having to jump through hoops.


31yo WS-SA

ďWhen we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.Ē


Posts: 258 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
authenticnow
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Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was worried about a false positive and H was worried it would say no deception if I was still lying. We talked about that in particular at length and decided that if either of us thought the results were questionable I'd retake it.

It is a tool, one of many the BS may need to heal.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


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