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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 8
byefornow
♀ Member
Member # 41992
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am having a hard time accepting my WH told the OW he loved her, not just once but frequently. He says she said it first, which I don't know if I believe, and then it took him a while before he said it back. He said it was very awkward having someone other than your wife say those intimate words.

So, my question is, have any of you BS told your affair partner you loved them? And did you truly mean it? And what were your circumstances?

My other questionis did you treat your affair partner as your wife? Like I see texts to my WH affair partner saying "heading home for night" and "got here safely" things he would text me right after her. So, do you just pretend you have 2 wives? This confuses me so much.

Thanks for any personal experiences you can share. I am trying to listen to him, but it seems so surreal. I wish I could just accept his statements at face value.

This hurts so badly. And I am not sure i can get past this point.


BW- me
WH - him
married over 25 years

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
HotMessInTX
♀ New Member
Member # 42417
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took me a long time before I said those words to the AP. I did not say them first, I have a tough enough time with feelings and emotions and frankly I was not in love with AP. I said them because I stupidly believed I was supposed to. I have issues with conflict avoidance and that is just one area I struggle with. I avoid emotional interaction, I don't like it, it makes me uncomfortable.

I'm sure that sounds like a lot of BS but I doubt I'm the first or the last person to say those words without meaning them.


DDay: 2/01/14

Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Texas
byefornow
♀ Member
Member # 41992
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, HotMess. The things you say are very similar to what my WS has said to me. His situation is the same as it took a long time before saying those words and she said them first (or that is what he says).
Regardless, hearing your story helps. So thank you.


BW- me
WH - him
married over 25 years

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
industriousbee
♀ Member
Member # 41324
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the replies to the polygraph question earlier. Nealos-we have been to MC a handful of times. He is not eager to go and does not speak very often. HE keeps his answers as short as possible and will not discuss much. I feel like I get much more out of IC than I do with MC. He on the other hand is not participating in IC. Mt therpist did not think it wasa bad idea for me to ask him to take a poly. I asked for one soon after he told me he thinks he may be a SA. This was very surprising for me because he had never been a "horndog" and I instigated sex most often. Since I did not know this about him I felt the need to find out what else I am in the dark on hence the polygraph question. Authentic now-his excuse for no polygraph is that he feels like it would be degrading and not constructive. Hufi Pufi-love the photo. Thanks for everyone's input.

[This message edited by industriousbee at 11:58 AM, February 24th (Monday)]


Married 8 years
ME BS 30
HIM WS 33
DD 1.5 years old
DDAY 11-13-12

Posts: 116 | Registered: Nov 2013
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LTA - If you had a LTA, how long did it take you get out of the fog.

Did anyone separate for a time? If so, what was your relationship like with your BS during that time?

Once your relationship resumed with BS, did sex get better, and did you try things from the affair with BS?

How hard was it deal with the remorse, and looking at your BS?

Did Remorse come about because of counseling or because you did a self inventory?

How long did it take for you to get over your LTAP?


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can a WS spouse please explain to me how thy can go from having an affair to ending that affair and than begging for their spouse back? My husband wants me back yet he broke our marriage. Thanks


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
heartbroken2012
♀ Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello,

Its been over a year since WH cheated. We are in R or Limbo..not sure.

Something is bothering me and I want WS's opinions.

Right after he confessed (within a month) we were having discussions and I asked WH,

"WHY DIDNT YOU CHEAT ON YOUR EX THAT YOU WERE WITH FOR 13 YEARS, BUT ONE YEAR AFTER WE WERE MARRIED YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH OW?"

He replied that he didnt have the opportunity, and that if he had met the OW when he was with his ex, then he would have.

SO I took that as the OW was special, and they were destined to be together.

WH and I havent talked about this since, but its really bothering me.

SO WAS THERE REALLY SOMETHING SPECIAL ABOUT THE OW? I mean since he said that?

NOW - WH says that there was NO choice between the OW and me, he loves me and would have always chosen me

Please WS advise...


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 549 | Registered: Jan 2013
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostSamurai - If you had a LTA, how long did it take you get out of the fog.

I think I was three days into my EA when I started to question what I was doing and so in one respect, I was in the fog up to the very day when my wife confronted me some 8 months later. While I committed to R immediately, there came a time two years later when I found myself questioning the whole EA thing again, so in that respect, it took almost three years to get out of the fog and reach indifference. Mind you, in my particular case, I had carried a torch, so to speak, for the OW for the past 25 years so it might not come as a surprise that I found it difficult to get her out of my head. Yeech.

LostSamurai - Once your relationship resumed with BS, did sex get better, and did you try things from the affair with BS?

Sex or the lack of sex was not part of my issues. We had always had a good sex life before, during and even after the A. Because I had written a couple of erotic letters to the AP, the sex acts that I described in them have become a trigger for LF and therefore, sex in the shower, for instance, is no longer in our repertoire.

LostSamurai - How hard was it deal with the remorse, and looking at your BS?

It was very hard. At times, self-cutting and suicide seemed appropriate ways to deal with the shame spiral. I still find myself crying over it at times. LF lost a lot of weight post A and the difference between the pre-A and post ĖA wife still startles me.

LostSamurai - Did Remorse come about because of counseling or because you did a self-inventory?

As I indicated, I was aware at a certain level that my affair was wrong right from the get go and so, I never had a problem empathizing with LF from day one. I've always been a big softy toffee type person and so, from day one, I was swamped with feelings of regret, remorse, guilt, shame, self-anger and the list goes on. Since I did not have access to IC for the first two years post A, it was a combination of reading books, seeing my wife on Skype, reading SI forums (WS and JFO) along with a regime of self-inventory that had the most impact. We're now 6 years out and I still find myself with mixed emotions (sadness, anger etc.) at least weekly as I contemplate the affair and the impact that it had on our lives.

HUFI


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3228 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AndreaL - Can a WS spouse please explain to me how they can go from having an affair to ending that affair and then begging for their spouse back? My husband wants me back yet he broke our marriage. Thanks

Well, the best answer to this would be the one that comes from your WSís mouth. After all, the reasons behind his ďwhy and how comeĒ are unique to him and my answers for my "why" are probably not the same as his. But for arguments sake, let me give it a try by asking some questions first.

Letís start off with why your H had his affair? Was he a cold hearted serial cheater ? Was this just another notch on his belt or was this something more akin to a perfect storm? Was the AP a lost love from the past or was this just a drunken bimbo who sucked him off when he was plastered at the Christmas party? Obviously, his emotional entanglement with the AP and the affair itself will have to be taken into consideration.

How did he end the affair? Had he been racked with guilt from day one or was this something that had been ongoing for years? Had he been struggling to balance the guilt and shame or had he found a happy spot with his cheating? Did NC hammer into place from day one or was he in the fog and gas lighting for months on end?

Did he go into the affair because it was a classic exit affair? Did he have a history of rewriting the marriage history? Was ILYBINILWY a part of his marriage or has he really reached a point where there was no love and no desire? Does he really truly want to keep you or is he just scared at losing his wife, his house and his bank account?

What issues is your WS facing inside himself? Abandonment, entitlement, validation? What broken parts are inside your WS? How introspective is he? Can he and will he be able to peel the onion skins down to the core?

I hope that this is clearly illustrating that there needs to be a considerable amount of work to satisfactorily explain how your husband can go from cheater to FWS. Each answer is unique to the people involved and I don't know if any one answer can explain all of us. Did you know that depending on who you ask, the answer to "what type of affair your H was in" could be different as some people argue that there are 6, 8 or even 11 different types, each with their own different rationales? IMHO, there is no one size fits all answer to this question.

Think of it this way. Each type of possible affair could impact the emotional entanglement of the partners involved, which in turn, may impact the amount of "fog" the WS goes though. The degree of intimacy during the affair might impact the BS differently and the anger and hate that is thrown towards the WS can impact their guilt and shame and that in turn can impact the ultimate decision to fight for the marriage or not. I hope this illustrates how each couple has to answer the question of "how and why" for themselves by looking at their own unique story?

I have a lengthy (8 thousand word) back story in my profile which might help illustrate how a remorseful WS can go from having an affair to begging for a second chance. Reading it might help you gain some understanding but I'm not confident that even it can properly answer all your questions. I think that your H is the only one that do that if you give him time to figure it out. And even then, you might never be able to understand his story fully. For a lot of BS's, it comes down to simple acceptance, not understanding.

HUFI

overcoming2003 - You may never understand the "why". I did the same thing for a long time, tried to understand why my husband had a PA. There is no answer to that (I don't think). He doesn't even know why he did. I have learned over the years to stop trying to figure out why and start accepting that this is my reality now.


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3228 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartbroken2012 - Why didnít you cheat on your ex that you were with for 13 years, but one year after we were married, you cheated on me with OW ? Ö He replied that he didnít have the opportunity and that if he had met the OW when he was with his ex, then he would have. I took that as the OW was special, and they were destined to be together. So was there really something special about the OW? I mean since he said that?

(((heartbroken2012)))

I wish that I could explain this but in reality, your WS is the only one that can really answer this question. And the best way would be for you to ask him. If it really bothers you, then instead of fretting and building up "what if" scenarios in your head that magnify the ugly, why not simply ask him to explain it?

I could argue that while you took his words to mean that the OW was special, there is another way to look at his statement. I could say that I think that he might be saying, he just never had a opportunity to have any affair during his first marriage with a woman like the OW (slutty, pursuing, sexual animal) and that if he had met anyone like that before, then the answer would have been, YES, he would have ended up in an affair cause he has this ďthingĒ for that type of women. I could argue that if this was the case, it would mean that it doesn't make the OW special, it makes the OW into the wrong person at the weakest time.

Now, I could say that I think your H might think this and feel that but the chances are 50/50 that I could be right and 50/50 that I could be wrong. If you really want to know, then talk to him and get his story from his own lips.

heartbroken2012 - Its been over a year since WH cheated. We are in R or Limbo..not sure.

I donít see you in in R at all. When I looked at your posts, it seems to me that you are almost as hurt and angry right now as you were when you first came to SI and if things have not improved in your life at all since you came here, you should be very concerned over it. While itís understandable to be in a rage at him at times, the truth is that anger by itself is not helping you right now. You need to take some concrete steps towards healing.

You need to start some IC so you have a safe and supportive place to start your healing.

Your H is not a model WS, is not taking any steps to support your healing and so, you need to demand that he gets into IC to deal with his issues.

You need to read up on the 180 and put it into practice. Set some boundaries in your marriage. Stop asking and start insisting.

You need to focus your energy on yourself and your kids and stop focusing on the OW.

Gently said, I see a lot of anger in your posts but not a lot of practical "how to" questions that will enable you to take control of your life. You can stay the victim or you can become the heroine of your own life. It starts with YOU taking control of your destiny and that means, putting the 180 into practice. See the healing library on the left side, yellow box.

HUFI

LoveFantasy - it is what it is, it's not what it should have been, not what it could have been, it is what it is.


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3228 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
LiedtoLucy
♀ Member
Member # 39246
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK WS.. question.

Those of you who may have initially tried to rugsweep your A when your BS asked for details, had questions about your thoughts, etc.. Did you KNOW you were rugsweeping at the time? Was it an intentional effort to protect yourself and not have to talk about it? or Was it an unintentional response to being ashamed of what you did?

My WH does not seem to understand that rugsweeping and "moving forward" are incompatible in my world.

Does anyone have ideas how to get him to pull his head out of his arse and see the light of day long enough to understand that this is NOT working?

I am going to call him out on it at MC on Friday and I need a dramatic approach. if this does not go well there isn't much else for me to do to try and R at this point.

Thanks WS's for all of your help..


LTL

Me: BS
Him: WH
OW=UW or Ugly Whore- cow of WH
UW claims to be pregnant w/ WH baby and I HATE her for it.
DDay: 4/23/13
Together: 14 years
Married: 10 years
Kids: 3 beautiful boys. Ages: 8, 4, & 19 months
Trying to R-Some days are


Posts: 173 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Southeastern U.S.
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LiedtoLucy,
Yes, it was to protect myself. Even after cheating, I was afraid to lose my marriage. I was in 'damage control' mode. I figured the less he knew, the better chance I had of keeping things intact. I think of it as a WS deer in headlights. Protect, protect, protect.

What got me to tell was realizing (after over a year) that he was done with my crap and ready to leave. No more games, no more lying, he was done.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37146 | Registered: Sep 2007
burntandtorn
♂ New Member
Member # 41502
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For WS who brought their AP around their BS before DDay, what was your reasoning? Was it just for the thrill?

I found out she tried to arrange for him to appear at the same bar as us. Luckily that never happened.

[This message edited by burntandtorn at 7:18 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)]


Married 12 years, together 14
BH 34
WW 35 (multiple ONS)
2 children, 8 and 10.
In MC. Trying to reconcile.

Posts: 49 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: missouri
HotMessInTX
♀ New Member
Member # 42417
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartbroken2012 - For me, there was the appearance of something special in AP. We had been friends/co-workers for many years and it seemed we had way too many things in common. He became my best friend and then it crossed the line. In reality, he is not anything special.

LiedtoLucy - Those of you who may have initially tried to rugsweep your A when your BS asked for details, had questions about your thoughts, etc.. Did you KNOW you were rugsweeping at the time? Was it an intentional effort to protect yourself and not have to talk about it? or Was it an unintentional response to being ashamed of what you did?

For me, it was mostly intentional. Fear, shame, guilt. It was a belief that it was too horrible to survive if I said it out loud I think. It feels like inflicting horrible punishment on top of the already horrific pain I saw in my BH.

AndreaL - Can a WS spouse please explain to me how thy can go from having an affair to ending that affair and than begging for their spouse back? My husband wants me back yet he broke our marriage. Thanks

This is a tough one. I was essentially living two lives and my distorted mind believed they were indeed separate. D-day was a big smack upside the head.. and not just d-day.. more like the first few days after that. The enormity really sunk in.

It isn't as simple as that, I have much to dig into in IC but I have attachment issues and had never fully immersed myself in my marriage. This broke everything apart and it was like looking at my husband and deciding i wanted to marry him again, only be an active partner this time. I have no idea if this is making sense.

burntandtorn - For WS who brought their AP around their BS before DDay, what was your reasoning? Was it just for the thrill?

This happened once, while traveling and AP was in the same office location traveling for a different reason. My BH was there as well (we all work for the same company). I invited everyone to lunch and in a twisted way felt bad leaving anyone out. I was NOT thinking clearly. As it turned out, the AP was angry at me for showing affection to my BH in front of him. It was awkward and stupid on my part. There was no thrill in it. I completely detached from it as if it were just three co-workers out to lunch with a bunch of other co-workers.


DDay: 2/01/14

Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Texas
Sparkywater
♀ New Member
Member # 41932
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just can't seem to accept my WH's answer so maybe another WS can shed some light. How long after the beginning of either EA but especially PA did you think to yourself what you were doing was wrong? With my WH's, the EA part was about a month, during the PA which lasted about 10 days I questioned when did he feel he was doing something wrong. Especially since from first time to the second time it was four days and he didn't have any contact phone/chat to her or me (I was deployed) for over a day. Could he actually spent the time NOT thinking about what he did? To me it was four days between ...he had to of thought of something in regards to the A and our marriage.


BW(me)43 / WH 35
DS (12)
Married 15 years
Affair 2 month EA/ 1 week PA
DDay 7/18/12
In R since Aug12; true R for him Oct13.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Virginia
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question:

If you ever broke NC after your first DDAY, why did you do it?


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 2006 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did anyone separate and when you talked to your BS you kept nitpicking things they did/didn't do in the marriage when you spent time together?


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
rekindle
♀ Member
Member # 42184
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sparkywater: How long after the beginning of either EA but especially PA did you think to yourself what you were doing was wrong?

No PA here, just EA, but I began to feel what I was doing was wrong when I began to share feelings and photos with the OM, a few months after we had reconnected as friends. The intimacy is what made me begin to feel guilty. I knew it was wrong because I would have been mortified had BH caught me. However, my selfish fog made me push aside the guilt, justify it for the addictive high, and I kept doing it. The most guilt I ever felt is when BH was showering me with love and I felt so undeserving because of what I was doing behind his back. His love gave me glimpses out of the fog, and that combined with the guilt was beginning to push me to consider ways to end the EA.


Me, WW
Him, BH
DD and baby #2 on the way
Together 9 yrs, married 4
Flirting/Boundary Breaking/Cheating for 8 years, OEA Fall 07-Feb 10 with flirty friend from 2007/2008, lied and rugswept until TT 12/13-02/14.

Posts: 69 | Registered: Jan 2014
Itsgoingtobeok
♂ Member
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for a WS . My WW is very ashamed for what she did . She feels really guilty . Because of this she doesn't want to talk about the A and she doesn't allow me to express what hurt she caused me . With that being said she is very remorseful and she is doing the work to get herself better but talking about the A only brings her to tears.


BS-(52)
WS-49
married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty


Posts: 215 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
Livingalie2014
♀ Member
Member # 42332
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband and I are in MC, and he says he is committed to making things work. Doesn't that start with telling the truth. He is vague in all of his answers. Doesn't know when it started. Doesn't know why he did it. Wasn't a PA, even though he went to her house and texts indicate it was. Why can't he tell the truth? Will he ever?


In three words I can sum up everything I learned about life: It goes on - Robert Frost

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Lost
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