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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 8
momof1girl
♀ Member
Member # 41074
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To be honest, the A's are often just a symptom of other problems in our lives. It would be nice if we figured out our shit before we had an A, but we didn't. Now we are here.

Baxter, what if the WS isn't looking for IC? He has a problem talking to people about his problems (something the OW said as well... he never really confided in her anything). He's been this way since I met him, so it's not something new. He does take responsibility for the pain he's caused both myself and our daughter. I always thought that we could talk about whatever was bothering us and work on fixing it, but if the A is a symptom of the problem, how do I get to the root of the problem?


D-Day: Oct. 1, 2013

Together 15 years, married 7, 1 child, age 7.

WH: 37 y.o., EA/PA since March
OW: 26, 1 child (not WH's)
Me: 34, BS
Separated Nov. 16, 2013

Does a wedding anniversary still count if you are separated?


Posts: 82 | Registered: Oct 2013
Bubbleup
♂ Member
Member # 36120
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the subject of our family spending time with the AP's family.

WW had 2 separate affairs and during the course of each our family's had gotten together (visit each other's house, etc.) Something we probably wouldn't have done if it

Can anyone comment on the reasoning behind this? Part of me think that it's sick/ twisted/ dangerous but I also wonder if by creating familiarity with the AP and their family, it would cover for the times they are in contact (texting/ Oh I ran into AP at so and so...)

So was manufacturing good cover? Are they danger junkies?


Me: BS 50
Her: WS 45 NC since 10/29/12
D-Day 1 4-20-2012 D-Day 2 9-7-13
Kids 2: 11yrs, 6yrs
Married 19 years, Together 25 years
EAs became PAs. On the fence.

Posts: 92 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: NY
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey! Quick question…did you/ or do you ever compare your BS with your AP? Thanks


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 202 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Andrea,

I am sorry, I was posting on your JFO thread's but found out that since I have the wayward side as well, that I was not supposed to. So just know I am still following your story & am still hurting for you, but will not be commenting any longer unless you are out of the JFO forum.

(I finally posted my whole saga in my profile yesterday)

To answer your question IMHO.......although my sitch was a little different than some others, as my BH & I were doing an in-home separation due to his lack of ambition to work for over 2 1/2 years. It was during this time I had an A with a co-worker. I do still feel that I cheated but due to me being "done" with my marriage at that time, my feelings were different towards my BH. I NEVER thought I loved my AP & I never even spoke of my BH to him whatsoever. The A just happened.

But do or did I compare them? Looking back now, there was no comparison. My BH wins hands down & I believe I would have said the same back then even though I wanted a divorce at the time!!!

I never compared them during the A either except my affair sex was AWFUL, & my husband is good in bed, so I do remember that there was that comparison in my mind. But beyond that or when my BH actually became employed & we started working on us again, I still never compared the 2 at all. My AP was a "player" & I knew it but it was what I needed or wanted at the time, I guess??? I regret it desperately, wish I could take it all back & I think the good Lord above is probably sick of me asking for forgivness, cuz I still do it regularly going on 5 1/2 years later.

I can't say that I know how to compartmentalize but I truly think in most situations, WS's separate the 2. I never thought about what would happen if I got caught. I never thought about my BH during the times with AP but the guilt set in immediately on the way home or when I got home.

Hope this helps some!?!?!


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks OMG6886 for being so candid. Hearing all the WS's is helping me, in making me realize how remorseful people can be and truly do want to make things better with their BS. I just wish my husband had never put me in this position, Thanks once again.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 202 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
pastthelies
♀ Member
Member # 39269
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Affair Sex - I know a lot of people say it was awful but I cannot say that nor do I really believe it. I was with my AP for 5 years and it was long distance. We traveled to see each other multiple times a year and talked/text daily. I can say it was the best sex of my life and sometimes 10 - 12 times in a day. We could never get enough of each other. It was intense and intimate and we also had a lot of laughs. We were very attracted to each other and we were the same age early 40's.

Comparing - I did compare I was very attracted to my AP and not much to my husband. Rose colored glasses.

A is over and I am spending more time with my husband. The OM cannot compare to the compassionate, good hearted, caring man my H is. My Husband it loyal and honest and not a coward or a liar. This alone causes attraction. Our sex life is much better as well and we are enjoying spending time together.


Posts: 64 | Registered: May 2013
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To WS's who were caught while your affair was still going on, instead of confessing to your BS:

Did you intend or have plans to end things with your AP at the time you were caught by your BS? Looking back, if you truly weren't going to end things, did you still tell yourself you were to make yourself feel less guilty?

If not, did you still tell your BS you had plans to end things with AP? Why tell your BS this if it wasn't true? What is the thought process here?

Thank you for your honesty and effort on this thread. Your perspectives and experiences are so helpful.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 504 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was on my 2nd PA and my life was shit. I was full of anxiety and guilt, and truly miserable. I intended to end it and actually did a couple of times. I always went back though. OM's 'sweet' bullshit words lured me back. I was weak.

When BH found out, I was never so scared in my life but also very relieved. Yes, I did plan to end it, but not sure if or when I would have unless I got caught.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37646 | Registered: Sep 2007
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Questions for WSs:

1. Did anything your friends or family said to you sway your decision to end the A? Or couldn't you hear them through the fog?

2. Were you reluctant to end the A and R because you didn't think you could handle the guilt and shame about the A? How did you overcome that?

3. In hindsight, was your BS/M as awful as you made it out to be in your mind during the A?

Thanks in advance.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
kate0421
♀ Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am personally going through TT with my WS.
For those of you that TT after the A was out, why did you really do it? Was it fear of hurting your BS or do you feel as if you were protecting yourself?

Did any of you worry that your BS was going to revenge cheat? Or that you didnt deserve your BS? Last night my WS broke down crying saying that he would understand if I did and that he deserves it. I was wondering if this is a common thought.


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 272 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Did anything your friends or family said to you sway your decision to end the A? Or couldn't you hear them through the fog?A couple of friends did try to sway me away from the A but I ignored them. I thought I had it all figured out.

2. Were you reluctant to end the A and R because you didn't think you could handle the guilt and shame about the A? How did you overcome that?I think I didn't end the A because I wasn't facing my reality. I was afraid to bust the bubble and own my shit. I didn't see telling BH, the thought was too scary and I couldn't imagine the outcome, so I stayed in fantasy and avoidance mode. H found out so that solved that problem.

3. In hindsight, was your BS/M as awful as you made it out to be in your mind during the A? Definitely not.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37646 | Registered: Sep 2007
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those of you that TT after the A was out, why did you really do it? Was it fear of hurting your BS or do you feel as if you were protecting yourself?A little of both, I think. Mostly it was me trying to control the outcome. The more I told him the bigger the pain got. I had never seen him so devastated and after he knew what he found out on his own my thought process at the time was, why does he need to know more?

Did any of you worry that your BS was going to revenge cheat? Or that you didnt deserve your BS? Last night my WS broke down crying saying that he would understand if I did and that he deserves it. I was wondering if this is a common thought.My H and I are madhatters. He cheated almost 20 years ago. He always thought I'd use my 'get out of jail free' card, as he put it. After my 2007 d-day, I found out a couple of boundary-crossing incidents with him. I think at that point we figured we were done hurting each other and it was time to make this M truly work. So, as much as I never say never, I know I will never cheat again, and I'm pretty confident that he won't.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37646 | Registered: Sep 2007
kmom2662
♀ Member
Member # 41494
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kate-- the TT was a mess. I did it for a couple of reasons: truthfully, the biggest reason was to protect myself from looking even worse. H knew some of what I had done, a very minimized version, and I didn't think it would be possible for him to forgive me if he knew all of the gory details. I knew he wouldn't be able to unhear things once he learned them. I thought if some things stayed secret, it would help us preserve the marriage. As it turned out, he was able to find almost everything anyway, reconstructing things from the computer. The TT was incredibly damaging to trying to recover, and I really wish I would have forced myself to reveal everything. Even as bad as it was, the peace of mind of not having anymore secrets to keep has been worth it.


Me-- WW, 49
Him-- BH, 53 (bobf)
Married 22 years
OEA, chat/email with multiple people over an 8 week period, 8/2013-10/4/2013
D-day 10/4/13
Working on reconciliation

Posts: 69 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United states
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everything that kmom said! Also, her post made me realize that I hated telling things because that would force me to verbalize and face the despicable things I did. That was hard.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37646 | Registered: Sep 2007
pewpewpew
♀ Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question.

After dday, my WH swore he would end all communication. Said she meant nothing and to prove it, would never speak to her again.
A month later, I find out all calls had stopped but he was secretly texting.
After that discovery, I blocked her number, to which he purchased a burn phone.

Why would he continue to have contact after I had discovered his A? I would have been so afraid to ever contact the AP ever again.
Did he just not care about me or our M?


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
kmom2662
♀ Member
Member # 41494
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Authenticnow--
Despicable is the perfect word for it. I still cringe and replay in my mind what he must have been able to read. I think it causes me almost as much pain as it does him.

[This message edited by kmom2662 at 1:26 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]


Me-- WW, 49
Him-- BH, 53 (bobf)
Married 22 years
OEA, chat/email with multiple people over an 8 week period, 8/2013-10/4/2013
D-day 10/4/13
Working on reconciliation

Posts: 69 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United states
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After your affair(s) or sexual acting out came to light and the fog lifted, did you consider that part of the reason you weren't satisfied in your marriage or looked outside of your marriage was because you weren't participating in the marriage?

Actually, I was participating in the marriage far more than my XH was. But then, "not being satisfied in the marriage" was never a reason for my cheating.

Quick question…did you/ or do you ever compare your BS with your AP? Thanks

In some ways. Not in a "better/worse" sort of way; more in a "they're just different" sort of way. There were some things I preferred about my XH, other things I preferred about AP. They were very different, but in complementary ways to me. There is no one perfect person for anybody, IMO.


To WS's who were caught while your affair was still going on, instead of confessing to your BS:

Did you intend or have plans to end things with your AP at the time you were caught by your BS? Looking back, if you truly weren't going to end things, did you still tell yourself you were to make yourself feel less guilty?

I spent much of the affair (probably the first 4 out of the 5.5 months) trying to figure out how to tell my XH that I was leaving him (for OM, but I wasn't going to tell him that part). Eventually, due to factors that were certainly in no way altruistic, I decided that it would be more trouble and drama than it was worth to leave XH, and so I figured I'd stay with him. OM was pressuring me to leave the marriage, plus XH was pushing me to have a kid (after the prior 2 years of ME pushing HIM and him "not being ready", how's that for irony?) so I knew the A had to end. The date in mind to have the "this has to end" talk was the week before I was planning to go off birth control. I was caught 2 days before that date, as odds would have it.

I did tell my XH that I was planning on ending it, at which date, and the reason why. He was not impressed by my reason. At all.

1. Did anything your friends or family said to you sway your decision to end the A? Or couldn't you hear them through the fog?

My family didn't know about the A while I was cheating. My one friend who knew cheered me on. She thought I "need[ed] to do what makes [me] happy."

And, I don't believe in "the fog."

2. Were you reluctant to end the A and R because you didn't think you could handle the guilt and shame about the A? How did you overcome that?

I was reluctant to end the A because I enjoyed being with the OM and didn't want to close the door on that.

3. In hindsight, was your BS/M as awful as you made it out to be in your mind during the A?

Not applicable. I never considered my BS or my marriage to be awful either before, during, or after the A.


Did any of you worry that your BS was going to revenge cheat?

I have a reply to this question, asked by another member, on page 3.

Or that you didnt deserve your BS?

I felt this way until my XH's behavior in the intervening years while we were apart (both relationship-wise and financially). Now I kind of feel the other way around. Since we are in R, I'm trying to get past this feeling.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled and remarried.


Posts: 2161 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
AnnaKarenina
♀ New Member
Member # 41649
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband tells me that sex is much better with me than during the 5 month affair (they worked together and met monthly for 2/3 evenings in a row - on different coasts most of the time - though they did talk or text every day) even though his anticipation was tremendous. He said he was always thinking about me, so he had to work to have an orgasm and the sex was not satisfying. She also told me that even though the chemistry was great, the actual sex was not. In particular, he took a really long time and even then was not always successful. I have never had that problem with him.This runs counter to everything I have ever read about affairs. Our MC buys it, but he is trying to keep us together, How likely is his (or her) version? BTW she is close to 20 years younger than him. I am asking WS for input.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2013
AnnaKarenina
♀ New Member
Member # 41649
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband tells me that sex is much better with me than during the 5 month affair (they worked together and met monthly for 2/3 evenings in a row - on different coasts most of the time - though they did talk or text every day) even though his anticipation was tremendous. He said he was always thinking about me, so he had to work to have an orgasm and the sex was not satisfying. She also told me that even though the chemistry was great, the actual sex was not. In particular, he took a really long time and even then was not always successful. I have never had that problem with him.This runs counter to everything I have ever read about affairs. Our MC buys it, but he is trying to keep us together, How likely is his (or her) version? BTW she is close to 20 years younger than him. I am asking WS for input.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2013
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 2:37 PM, December 16th (Monday)]


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 905 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
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