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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 8
krispy47
♀ Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the same topic, how does it feel as a WS to know that the sexual relationship you have with your BS is sub-standard, or less than ideal. Does that make you look back and miss the AP?


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 2:12 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the same topic, how does it feel as a WS to know that the sexual relationship you have with your BS is sub-standard, or less than ideal. Does that make you look back and miss the AP?

I can't speak for every WS but it is certainly very common for sex within an A to be a trade off for ego kibbles and attention. I know it certainly was for me. The sex in my A was not mind blowing or earth shattering. It was awkward and there was no connection. It was something I had to do to keep the AP interested and giving me attention.
Things with BH are in stark contrast to that. Sex is better with BH.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 2:16 AM, April 11th (Friday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1176 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Herkemeyer
♂ Member
Member # 36910
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for WWs. My FWW's AP is a person whose body type is/was physically repulsive to her yet she still did the deed (Multiple Times) and achieved orgasm 100% of the time. This is all things she has told me. Can anyone help me understand this? If it were me, if I was looking at some fat, sweaty slob in the middle of a pigsty there is no way I could be excited enough to do much of anything. Please help me understand.


BH-43
(F?)WW-39 (neznayou)
DDay-08/10/12 TT for 18 Months (I think)
Married 19 years

Posts: 98 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Colorado
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Herkemeyer - BTDT and got the t-shirt. I wasn't physically attracted to the OM at all. He would send me photos of himself and I'd just feel embarrassed for the guy, they either made me laugh or made my skin crawl.

For many WW, the A isn't at all about the AP. It is about how the A makes them feel, the attention, the ego boost. So sex for those WW's, myself included, is a trade off. I basically prostituted myself for a bit of attention. Pathetic but true.

As for the sex, it was awkward and really not good at all. Did I reach orgasm? Yeah most of the time but it's different for women, there's little ones because it's sex and it's physically stimulating and then there's the earth moving, mind blowing ones that happen because you have true intimacy and connection, those are the ones I get with BH.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 11:17 AM, April 11th (Friday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1176 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Broken69
♀ New Member
Member # 42606
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this elsewhere but was wondering if any WS can help me understand whether Im crazy or he is planning to get back with AP...Been seperated for 3 months and filed for divorce 2 weeks ago. I cant take the hurt anymore. Recently had a conversation with my WS asking if he is still involved with OW explaining that our daughter will never forgive him if he is or has restarted the relationship with her. He told us that the relationship ended a long while ago and he was not in love with OW and had no intention of continuing a relationship then or in the future that he wanted his family and then left 3 months ago because he needed time to figure himself out and hated the man he had become. He now says our daughter has no right to tell him who he can and can not see. You cant help who you fall in love with and if someday down the road he reconnects with her or calls to see if she is single and they reconnect no one should be able to tell him he cant see her. He says he deserves to be happy no matter who he is with. My daughter said he can see whoever he wants but this OW or she will never forgive him. He says that would be her choice but he isnt going to be told he cant see someone. I feel like this has been the plan all along and he is trying to convince her it would be ok to see this OW again. He says he just used it as a hypothetical to say it doesnt matter who he wants to be with, if he is happy and in love. No one should decide that for him. Am i crazy or is he morally wrong after stating he was over her long ago...?

Posts: 26 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: NY
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken69 you're not crazy, even if STBX WH is planning to get back with OW.

No advice really, I can't relate to an unremorseful WS who doesn't want to R. Just sorry you are going thru that and I hope, for your own sanity, you 180 your WH and detach from any regard for what (or whom) he's doing.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Broken69
♀ New Member
Member # 42606
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really have tried to detach myself and I get so far and then he says things like that and it sends me out of my mind. We are getting a divorce thats inevitable and I shouldnt care but just the thought that he could end up with her after all his talk about not wanting to be with her is killing me. Makes me wonder if he ever ended the affair or even if he did the fact that he would consider starting up again is just morally wrong. Especially to his children. Who usues an AP as a hypothetical of who he could possibly end up with and no one having the right to tell him who he can and can not see. This is a man I have been with for 25 yrs and I dont know him at all. How do I totally let go and not care what he is doing ?

Posts: 26 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: NY
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the folks in the divorce/separation forum could help answer that question, because they've BTDT. Weekends can be slow on SI.

You know, already, that the only person you can control is yourself. If WH makes choices that hurt DD, that's on him. All the best to you, sorry you're going through this.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Herkemeyer
♂ Member
Member # 36910
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BBT, Thanks for the response. Unfortunately, FWW has already told me felt the sex was very good. Her words were it would have been great if she had allowed to let herself go more.
I am interested to hear any other responses from the WWs on the forum.


BH-43
(F?)WW-39 (neznayou)
DDay-08/10/12 TT for 18 Months (I think)
Married 19 years

Posts: 98 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Colorado
isthisforever
♀ New Member
Member # 43029
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will try to simplify this:
-H and I were married for 9 years.
-I was emotionally and physically abusive.
-I didn't fulfill his emotional needs
-H left to 'think' on weekends for one month
-H moved out
-I began counselling for my issues
-H confessed to cheating
-The affair is over
-H says he can never be married to me again, wants to be friends POSSIBLY, in the future(he gave up on her 2 weeks ago, she was done a while ago)
-We had an awful sex life
-We were starting to spend time together as a family, he's done now
-H goes from being emotionless to angry, and keeps going back and forth.

Have any of you WS experienced being victims of abuse?

I am willing to do all that I can to create a NEW marriage, a safe one.

Any suggestions on how to guide him in opening up to the idea of having me as a wife again (only, in a new way)? (through love, and gentleness)

[This message edited by isthisforever at 3:26 PM, April 12th (Saturday)]


Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
Guss
♂ New Member
Member # 39113
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please help.

I am struggling to R with WW. We will be one year since DD in two weeks.
My problem is that her A has forced me to confront certain painful truths about my WW, and here is the bombshell: I NEVER REALLY AND PASSIONATELY LOVED MY WIFE at the time we got married (let me take a big breath. SIGHHH).

My question is: It is possible to build (not rekindle) love in an M that had no love??

Here is what I mean:

We were both never married, both bruised and recovering from a series of previous failed relationships and tired on the singles scene (38 vs 36). We met each other while on rebound and broken from failed relationships and became soul mates (at least more for her than me), fell in love head over hills and before we knew it, she fell pregnant. Both our first. It was a whirlwind affair, so to speak. So within a few months we got married and started a family. Looking back, in her case, I presume she was worried about her biological clock and on my part, I could ill afford to abandon my own offspring. We were both established in our careers and so it seemed logical that we should set a home.Fast forward, 10 years letter we have two very beautiful and lovely kids – 10 & 8 – who are essentially our lifeline.

However, the circumstances that led us to our M meant that our M did not have a firm foundation, as soon became evident. We were kind of strangers, too busy building our careers and raising our family to invest in knowing each other. The reality of our M has meant that there was not that much openness between us, largely on her part (she has been quite participant in the M, fearing to rock the ship). On my part I did all I could possibly do as a man but at the emotionally level we did not adequately connect. By large we began to grow apart. In due course, she found herself in the arms of an old flame (PA/EA).

That was three years, until DD a year ago. To say, I was devastated on DD is an understatement. It’s been a roller coaster for me, since. We have been trying to R. However, given the weak foundation our marriage we had, it has been difficult to rekindle the passion and, in panick, I seriously considered D in the immediate aftermath of DD. However, with the world spinning out of control around us we seem to cling to each other. Moreover, with the beautiful kids and so much shared history between us and also recalling the pain of singleness we both endured for years, D seems distant. The D option appears messy and frightening. R seems the viable option in this case. And in my hearts of hearts, I feel so guilty that I must R because in any way, I had the option to chicken out before M and not after M. Chickening out now seems cowardice to me. But, make no mistake WW’s betrayal through the A is just sooo painful.

My question is: it is possible to build love where there was no love? How can I energize myself to do the necessary work to rekindle love when I am in so much pain? It all seems I have to do so much heavy lifting to inject love in a loveless marriage, deal with anger issues, which drove my WW into the A, in the first place, etc. All this is driving me insane. Has any found themselves in this situation? How did you deal with it? What should I do??

Please please help

Gus



Posts: 24 | Registered: Apr 2013
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a few nagging questions if someone will humor me to try and answer. DDAY antiverasry is approaching 4/29/14 will mark a year since I've been put in this hell.

My ww had an affair that lasted an entire year. Throughout that year I knew something was going on and had several conversations, emails, and other forms of communication with my wife. Of course she lied and said I was the love of her life etc etc. I cried to her telling her that I felt like she didn't love me anymore and she held my face in her hands and kissed me and said that couldn't be further from the truth.

The next day or so later she arranges a baby sitter so she can meet up with him. In the mean time she is masturbating and letting him watch on Skype and telling him she couldn't wait for their meet up because she couldn't wait to get him inside her. DDAY occurs approximately 2 days later and they didn't get the chance to meet up. Well they did meet up but I was present and it was ugly. Now let me get to the point.

I had the misfortune of reading quite a bit of conversation between her and AP. There was talk of marriage and how great it would be, her and my children moving in with om after he ran his wife off. All the soul mate stuff. My wife stressed to him that in spite of being married to me and everything else she truly loved this man.

After DDAY she is shell shocked and telling me I'm the love of her life and that she messed up. I believe the "messed up" part.

What I can't wrap my head around is she communicated with this man daily all the time. Thousands of texts and emails. She claims that she never had feelings for him and that it was all a fantasy.

She claims there was no fog or withdrawal from the other man but I can't see how that is not possible after being so emotionally and physically invested in affair. Perhaps the explosions that I created on DDAY snapped her out of it? I'm totally jaded on anything that comes out of her mouth. Is it possible that she is telling the truth to me or lying to spare my feelings. Who in the world says these type things and doesn't really mean them?

Thanks for listening and thank you in advance for answering.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 547 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
journey7
♀ New Member
Member # 43072
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uhtred - At first I thought this just happened, but then realized D-Day was last year. In the beginning, I imagine she was saying all she could to save herself. How has she acted through this year? Is she trying for R and doing what she can to earn your trust? Have you seen any signs of her returning to AP?

Herkemeyer - I have to admit that the sex with AP was the best of my life. I miss it and struggle severely, even after many months. It is difficult to know I likely won't ever feel that way sexually again.

Broken69 - Yes, what he did was immoral. He cheated and lied. I am a WS of course, so maybe my opinion is invalid, but I have to agree with your H on some level. If you are going to D, he has the right to pursue his own life and try for whatever happiness he can find. Of course he had to say that he was over the AP if he wanted any chance of staying together with you! Who knows if that is true or not.

[This message edited by journey7 at 7:57 PM, April 12th (Saturday)]


Posts: 9 | Registered: Apr 2014
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has been a model citizen. Changed her phone number, completely transparent, calls me and tells me where she's going. Is in IC doing the work. I'm just so damn confused how she could talk to this man about marrying him and take my kids away 1 minute and the next I'm the best thing since sliced bread with pudding on top. Of course my kids wouldn't have went anywhere if she chose to leave if I had anything to do with it.

I don't understand it and it really hinders me wanting to R. It's been a year and we've been under one roof except for a couple of days when I asked her to leave. We have small kids and that for sure is the biggest reason I'm even considering R. I love her it's just not the same anymore.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 547 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:05 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isthisforever

Have any of you WS experienced being victims of abuse?

Any suggestions on how to guide him in opening up to the idea of having me as a wife again (only, in a new way)? (through love, and gentleness)

I have been in an abusive relationship in the past but it wasn't with my BH.

Very gently, you need to put your marriage to one side, the abuse is the priority right now and recovering from that should be your only focus.
The only way you can 'guide' him into opening up to the idea of being with you again is consistently, over a long period of time, demonstrate change.

Go to IC, work on yourself. Fix your broken completely. Accept that the abuse may have ended your marriage. Your husband, affair or not, might choose to walk away and you have no control over that. What you do have control over is yourself and your own healing.

Hopefully, if you demonstrate that you have changed and do all you can to regain your husband's trust, you will be in a place where you can begin to work on the marriage and your husband's infidelity.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 3:13 AM, April 14th (Monday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1176 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gus

Alot of your story resonates with me because it is quite similar to my own. Whirlwind romance, pregnant after three months. A very rocky road but we clung on.

The truth of it is, we were too young and didn't really know each other. Neither of us knew anything about making a marriage work. We had monumental issues and had to get through them as well as learn to love each other.

It is possible. It takes time and patience. Is it possible after infidelity? I think so. I am hopeful.

New love is the brightest, and long love is the greatest, but revived love is the tenderest thing known on earth. - Thomas Hardy

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 5:23 AM, April 14th (Monday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1176 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gus --

One thought jumped out at me. Passion is not the same as mature love. I am not an expert in relationships -- I've screwed mine up pretty grandly. But I am learning that physical, passionate relationship fades. It is not enough to sustain a relationship.

You need to figure out how much or little of that you can accept in your M. That's only one ingredient, and it seems to be pretty far down the list. But I don't think you can say "there is no passion, so there is no M."


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 374 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uhtred --

I never talked about leaving BW for AP, but I did say a lot of the ILY, soulmates, if only we weren't married, etc. I am certain that I meant it at the time. That is, I wasn't just making stuff up to get laid.

I snapped out of it immediately on DDay. No thought of contacting the AP. I feel like I woke up from a dream. I am actually relieved to have it over.

I have come to consider my feelings for AP to be like a high school romance. If you asked 18 year old me about my GF at the time, I would have said I loved her. Our relationship was seeing each other on weekends, talking on the phone a couple of times a week. Same basic relationship as my A. So I think the same definition of love.

My IC says that there are not enough words to describe "love." It's a big continuum. The little bit I've shared with AP is on one end. The whole life that I share with BW is waaaayyy on the other end.

Unfortunately, I took my relationship with BW for granted. Worse than that, I found myself focusing only on the things that bothered me. The stuff like I got her a present I thought she'd love, but she never used it, so that proves she doesn't love me.

That kind of thinking might not make any sense to you. But that's the kind of things that go on in the minds of some WS. And the total change in thinking might not make sense. But I swear that is my story. It might be the same for your WW.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 374 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

isthisforever -

Any suggestions on how to guide him in opening up to the idea of having me as a wife again (only, in a new way)?

You don't guide him into anything. That's his decision to make, regardless of you. In the same way you decide whether his affair was a deal breaker, regardless of him.

You work on yourself, for yourself. If you change for him, you will resent him. Maybe not for the first couple of months - but you will start thinking that either he owes you something or you will slip because it's not what you want. You really want the M, not to become a healthier person. That does not stick.

You can only control yourself. You can only change yourself.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6074 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
kate0421
♀ Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay. I was curious if any of you WS could help me out. My WS had 2 ONS in the past, a few years ago. The only reason he told me was because I signed him up for a polygraph after watching his face expression when I asked him one night if he would ever tell me if he cheated. I went on to say how I think I would work on our relationship (I always told him I would never think twice about leaving him if he ever cheated) his eyes teared up but he didn't tell me anything ( obviously I knew something was up) he said he would have taken it to the grave.
Anyway we were talking the other night and he said something about him not feeling the same as he did when I use to cry or get upset after dday. He said that he's kinda "use to it" now. That it use to stab him in the heart and now he has gotten more use to it. Wtf does that mean?
I kinda got upset and he told me he still cares about my feelings and knows that I am in pain and that he caused it. That he is here for me and to help me. He comforts me when I'm upset. He's being totally transparent about where he is, and with his phone that's all there really is though because he's not a social media person, he doesn't even have an email, if he needs one for anything he uses mine. I cannot speak for him 100% but he does seem to be remorseful with his actions. He is HORRIBLE at expressing his emotions verbally though... it's soon hard for him. We are going to be seeing a MC just for this reason. I'm scared that this is a sign he isn't remorseful though or that he doesn't really love me. How could he just get use to me being in soo much pain?

[This message edited by kate0421 at 7:55 PM, April 16th, 2014 (Wednesday)]


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
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