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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 8
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was wondering the effects for the WH who doesnt confess? Are there any? Do they just move on? Im aware of the absolute necessity of confessing, for R, but was wondering what happens in WH, if they dont?


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 885 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the fWSs that weren't immediately remorseful:

When you became remorseful, was it a "aha" moment? Or did it come gradually?

In the forums dominated by BSs, I often read warnings about WSs that are not quickly remorseful. I have read a few of you on here for whom remorse was not immediate, so I'm more interested in how remorse came to you.

I think my WH is ready to really make us work and he is planning to move back in. He's making a great effort and doing a lot of things right, but I worry if he is fully remorseful. I've asked for advice (on moving back in after S) in the R forum. My hope is that his remorse will increase with time and that we can give more time to the work of R if he is living here again.

I know that the underlying question in many of these posts is really a quest for reassurance that R is possible... and I know that no one can answer that for each of our individual situations. However, I'm hoping I can learn something from your individual experiences. Any insights/advice that you can provide would be much appreciated.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 633 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
kmom2662
♀ Member
Member # 41494
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stillstanding--
I was remorseful right away, but your question made me think about things and this might shed some light for you anyway. During the A, i was very good at compartmentalizing it away from everything else in my life (something I do as a coping skill in a lot of situations). Seeing how dramatic my H's pain was at discovery somehow broke open the nice neat little box I had put the A in and the enormity hit me. I had never felt things so deeply in our relationship before. Even just a couple of sessions of IC helped me to see this. Maybe, in your case, you need to make sure your WH sees all of the effects this has had on you, how devastating it really is. He may have to be hit with a 2 x 4 to really get it, as I did. (That is a metaphor, I don't mean you should actually hit him with anything). Good luck with your R.


Me-- WW, 49
Him-- BH, 53 (bobf)
Married 22 years
OEA, chat/email with multiple people over an 8 week period, 8/2013-10/4/2013
D-day 10/4/13
Working on reconciliation

Posts: 69 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United states
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kmom- Thanks for sharing. I DO think that he "gets it" in a lot of ways, but sometimes worry that when the "enormity" of it all comes crashing down, he retracts into self-loathing, shame, and all the more "self-centered" reactions, and not so much true remorse. Not in the way I read about true remorse here on SI... He's trying to do things right for me, but I don't get the "I will do ANYTHING I can to help you heal" attitude.

I would still love to hear from any other fWS for whom remorse was not immediate.

I want to be hopeful about true R, but am very scared to put my kids and myself through more trauma if the likelihood is high that he may not actually be able to achieve true R if remorse is not the overriding motivator at this time. I hope I'm making sense....


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 633 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question:

If you were attracted to an AP that was 'beneath' your normal standards (i.e. 'affaired down'), did you ever work out why you were attracted to that person...in IC, for example? I'm just curious because one of the things my wife has said she's struggling to understand about herself is why she went for someone who was so far below her normal standards for a significant other. I understand that, for sure, but I told her that's something she needs to work out with the IC. Just curious as to what others went through.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1960 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@AnnaKarenina:

You say your MC "bought it".

I don't. Not for a second.

Do you?


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@FacePunched:

Not sure your question has any logical or "one size fits all" answer.

I affaired down in every conceivable way with my xAP. She was inferior in every way to my wife. But she was secret, new, and astonished a "man like me" could be attracted to a "girl like her". I fed her ego kibbles she gobbled like candy, and she was a mirror reflecting my own studly wonderfulness right back at me. Two broken, damaged, pathetic people doing broken, damaged pathetic things.

I affaired down. And that made my BW feel EVEN worse.

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

facepunched: I think ppl can have affairs with AP they're not attracted to.
I remember walking by my AP's room, looking at him and thinking, "WTH?" Hubby was so much better in every way.
ugh!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4537 | Registered: Dec 2010
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This question is related to a previous one.

Do any waywards feel that your AP was an "improved" version of your spouse and that is what attracted you to them?

For instance,your spouse is a mediocre car dealer and you had an affair with the head of sales at a dealership, or your spouse failed at such and such job and your affair partner succeeded at the same job.


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you were attracted to an AP that was 'beneath' your normal standards (i.e. 'affaired down'), did you ever work out why you were attracted to that person...in IC, for example?

I don't really like to think of people as "beneath me" because that naturally implies that I'm "above them," and I certainly don't put myself on that kind of pedestal. That being said, being honest, the AP was definitely intellectually inferior to me and it was one of many reasons I knew a post-A relationship wouldn't work. Hell, it was one (of many) reasons our pre-A dating relationship didn't work. Edited to add: I'm not a genius, but he really was kind of...dumb.

I was attracted to him despite his not meeting my standards of intelligence because a.) we were compatible in other ways, and b.) I didn't want to be such a snob. I didn't use IC to figure this out; I knew it going into the A.

This question is related to a previous one.

Do any waywards feel that your AP was an "improved" version of your spouse and that is what attracted you to them?

I never thought of the AP as an "improved version of my spouse." I wasn't looking for Spouse v. 2.0. I had the affair with that particular AP because of who HE was as himself.

I did like some things about the AP better than about my spouse. I also liked some things about my spouse better than about my AP. But I didn't have a side-by-side comparison chart or a running list of pros and cons.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 9:20 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2080 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:24 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question for WH's.
I just discovered this week that on top of communication daily with ow, viewing sites with chat, hook ups (I thought he was checking to see if his ow was on them)..as of Monday, he's visiting straight up hooker sites. These have pix, prices and availability. I have a tendency to deny the obvious and look for some tiny shred of a misunderstanding. So what is the chance of him just looking.? How dumb is it of me to think he's not going to take the next step. When I look at him, I can't fathom him being with a hooker but then again, I never thought I would be on SI either. Do men look just to see nude women like in porn or is a hooker site mean he's been with one?


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4742 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How dumb is it of me

I'm not a man, but...you are not dumb. Quit it.

Let's say for a moment he is just looking. Are you alright with that? Is him browsing hookers acceptable behavior in your M?

Your husband's a cheater (your words, from your profile) and a liar. He's been looking at a lot of porn, for at least the almost-two-years you've been on SI. His affair had zero to do with the OW, or you, or the M. It was 100% about his own brokenness. What is he doing to fix himself?


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1046 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
kmom2662
♀ Member
Member # 41494
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ostrich--
I'm a WW, not a WH, but he really has to cut all of this behavior out. He needs to focus on repairing the relationship with you, which should be taking every bit of his time, mental energy, and attention. I don't think it's possible for him to feel as guilty, ashamed, and remorseful as he needs to feel while staying on these sites. Even if it were innocent (which i doubt it is), the fact that it makes you uncomfortable is all the reason he should need to give it up. I made a point of making sure i don't do anything that even appears questionable, to help H to have as little to worry about as possible, including absolute, permanent NC.


Me-- WW, 49
Him-- BH, 53 (bobf)
Married 22 years
OEA, chat/email with multiple people over an 8 week period, 8/2013-10/4/2013
D-day 10/4/13
Working on reconciliation

Posts: 69 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United states
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no R'ing. What he's done and doing is non repairable with him. I'm trying to wait til my last child graduates but if he is being so risky and irresponsible with a prostitute, I don't want his dirty ass here. The city he drives thru on his way home from work is large and has a lot of corruption. The hooker area is scary. Pimps, drugs. There are men who get robbed and beaten in motels by these ppl. Not to.mention any any kind of nasty cooties he could bring home. Ow and he, whatever, she can have him but this new discovery scares the hell out of me. Was just curious if there are men who just look but don't act on it or maybe how long before they finally did act on it. Thank you for responding.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 4:42 PM, December 20th (Friday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4742 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't really like to think of people as "beneath me" because that naturally implies that I'm "above them," and I certainly don't put myself on that kind of pedestal. That being said, being honest, the AP was definitely intellectually inferior to me and it was one of many reasons I knew a post-A relationship wouldn't work. Hell, it was one (of many) reasons our pre-A dating relationship didn't work. Edited to add: I'm not a genius, but he really was kind of...dumb.
Sorry, I should have been more specific. You're right, no one is 'above' anyone else. What I meant was that in all the traits that my WW is generally attracted to in a person, the AP was lacking in those specific departments.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1960 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm curious about waywards returning to sex after DD. I'm just wondering what your thoughts were about returning to sexual intimacy with your BS.

I think I have a set of circumstances due to SAWH than most BS contend with (but we all have different stories, so maybe not). In our case we had not had sex in more than 7 years (sexless marriage even before affair started - this was my husband's choice, not mine - frankly, I gave up). We resumed having sex a couple of months ago, but I feel like there is still something missing. I feel like he is "phoning it in." He doesn't seek it out but he goes along with it, if that makes sense.

Just wondering if this is sometimes the case with WS's and if anything can be done to address.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 855 | Registered: Jun 2013
JellyGirl84
♀ Member
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH had an affair with a girl at work. He was caught, did not confess of his own accord. He claims it was talking and kissing after work though his BFFs told me he had spoken of flirty texts and drunkenly mentioned sex.

Initially, a day after the DDay, he came home and answered questions I had although compared to what his friends said to me I don't know how transparent he was. He admitted to being very confused and waffled about what he wanted to do. I wasn't willing to make any first moves. But he did not want to quit his job and that means a refusal of NC. We agreed to go see and MC. He told me he owed it to each of us and our relationship to try to work it out....but it never happened because the week previous he spent two days not coming home. The first night he claims to have been at a hotel but I'm not sur. the second night I know for a fact that he staid at his mom's house.

I believe he was tired of me following him around the house, demanding answers,to letting him forget for a night what he did.

The next night after he was at his mom's house, I continued to search for answers and finally asked if he truly wanted to work it out. He said no and I kicked him out. For the last week and a half, I've been living in our home while he has staid at his mom's house. Thee only communication we've had is via email and about taking care of bills and rent. Any emotional emails I sent he promptly ignored along with my embarrassing mean text messages.

Over the weekend, he emailed that he was "sorry for the way things went down" and he wanted to pick up the rest of his things which he did get a good portion of on Monday. We haven't spoken since.

I'm leaning toward divorce because I feel he has shown no true remorse. There is still a part of me that wonders if there is any hope left. Could the divorce wake him up into R? Should I not hold my breadth? What does it sound like to you fWSs?


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
No real remorse once I kicked him out.

Posts: 98 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JellyGirl -

Could the divorce wake him up into R?

Don't hold your breath. Do not get into the mindset of manipulating or controlling others (I mean this gently).


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6075 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Face -

If you were attracted to an AP that was 'beneath' your normal standards (i.e. 'affaired down'), did you ever work out why you were attracted to that person...in IC, for example?

You're looking in the wrong direction. You (your wife) still think it was something special about the AP. You (your wife) need to examine childhood and motivations from deep down. What was her romantic history like. What is her MO with respect to men. Dig very deep.

[This message edited by UnexpectedSong at 9:56 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6075 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, UnexpectedSong.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1960 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
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