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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 8
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is almost as if I have to assume, and accept, that he was batshit crazy for 2 months


and

He tells me that at the time, he did not consider ANYONE's feelings, didn't care about the AP feelings for sure and honestly didn't even THINK about any of those things!

I'm sorry that I don't have a better explanation, but that's all I can say. I was unhappy in my day to day life. So I'd compartmentalize that and open a "new box" for my A. Then I'd feel ashamed, so I'd need to compartmentalize the A even more.

As I got more and more divided, I got worse and worse in my day to day life. It wasn't that it got easier to ignore my BW and family for the A. It's almost like I built up such walls between all of the different parts of my life, that I really couldn't survive if I thought of BW and my family. I HAD TO ignore everything around me just to look at myself in the mirror. I pretty much built up my own prison.

This is no excuse. I don't for a second want to imply that I should get any sympathy. I just want to give some insight into what I have figured out about myself.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 380 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bionicgal,

I know HL had a hard time with this in the beginning. The best answer I could give him was, " If I didn't give a shit about myself and didn't care what happened to me, how was I supposed to care about what happened to you?" And honestly, that was what it came down to for me. It may not be that way for others, but my self esteem had hit such rock bottom that I no longer was worried about myself, let alone cared what happened to him. Compartmentalization at it's best.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4513 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys, this is actually helping. My H says the same thing -- he felt so bad about himself that he was reckless, etc. in ways he had never been - with our family, his health, our health, his job, the APs family, our community.

He also doesn't use it as an excuse -- he just wants to impress on me that it isn't this free-for-all pleasure-seeking sex-0-rama that I, like most BSes envision. Obviously there was pleasure there -- but more the fleeting pleasure of drug hit, and a lot of despair. At the end of 2 months he felt like a shell of a person.

Hard to hold this in my mind though -- I am not looking for an excuse, but the behavior is so out of character for him, I am just seeking to truly understand.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1746 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hard to hold this in my mind though -- I am not looking for an excuse, but the behavior is so out of character for him, I am just seeking to truly understand.

if you really know him, and understand how out of character it was for him, you can maybe think of how sick he was to do it. I suppose this is where the compassion comes in?


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4511 | Registered: Dec 2010
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did anyone here started to tell their spouse they were sexy and like the way they looked months or days after D-Day?

What was their reaction?

Did you feel it was appropriate if you did do it?

Did you feel like you were being fake, or forcing yourself to say things like that to your spouse or were they actually meaningful.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1029 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BG,

he felt like a shell of a person

That was how I felt afterwards.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4513 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bionic --

I don't know if I have responded to you with some of these thoughts. If I did, sorry for the repeat.

It wasn't just my M that suffered. I hated going to work. I fought with my partners, and made excuses why my production was low. Now I see that I was so very withdrawn here, too. I have run across a healthy half dozen or more places where I may have committed professional malpractice. I lost clients left and right. I haven't had a raise in like five years, while my more junior partners have rocketed past me. I had an A with a secretary here at work (and the A happened partly at work).

I alienated my friends. I had a group of friends who worked with BW. I avoided looking at myself so much that I thought THEY were the problem in my life. So I stopped communicating with them.

I stopped really talking to my family. Maybe every couple of months.

It wasn't just the A. Every part of my life was messed up. The A was just something to make me feel like I was happy somewhere. I wasn't happy there, either. Only I was so miserable across the board, that I didn't realize it was my fault.

I was so far from the person that I always thought I was, and the person I know I want to be.

I think you have mentioned the Mr. bionic said he felt like he was in a hole he couldn't get out of. I understand that. Not just with the AP's, but with everything.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 380 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Imissmyhusb
♀ Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hav any WS believed their BS was havg a revenge affair for no good reason? Maybe out of guilt, just take somebodys word that you were now being betrayed?

My WH is threateng to leave after he found i was lying abt my havg proof and talkg to the OBS (comparing notes) - i was tryg not to reveal my sources but COW got ahold if OBSs phone and showed my WH the texts we exchangd. Now he feels he cant trust me and these lies abt me and OBS may b true

This is so messy
Please let me know if this is 'normal' wayward behavior. Thanks


Met '95 - dated '97 - married '03 - dday '13
3 kids 7y and 4y twins, me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 197 | Registered: Mar 2014
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Imissmyhusb,

I don't know if this is 'normal' or not, but your WH is completely blameshifting and taking the focus off of himself. His behavior is ridiculous and unacceptable and IMHO you should call his bluff.

He can't trust you???

I think you need to read up on and implement the 180. He's messing with you big time and you need to protect yourself.

It's in the Healing Library, BS FAQs (I forget what number it is but it's there).


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36626 | Registered: Sep 2007
SofaKingWeToddId
♂ New Member
Member # 41862
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for WS:

After you started your affair, but before you were caught, if the topic of affairs came up with your BS how did you handle the conversation?

For context, I suspect my W had an affair with a co-worker. (I've yet been able to prove this). Unrelated to this suspected affair, one of her friends caught her husband signing up for an affair website. She went off on what a gross way to have an affair. She said it would be a lot different if it was an affair that 'just happened'.

It seemed weird that she felt the need to differentiate these two types of affairs.

Your thoughts?


Posts: 8 | Registered: Dec 2013
Trying2LoveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stilllovinghim and Somethingremorse & others who replied to mine and Bionicgal..Thank you, thank you, thank you! Your replies have helped me more than you know! My H has also told me some of the exact things you guys did! It's just that no matter how hard you try sometimes, your trust of what they tell you, is just not there yet! However, when someone else says it, it just reinforces what he says, I guess..??? I did not know about the A until 25 years later! (Have just known for 8 mos. now) and I can see now, looking back, how he compartmentalized things. He says that he worked hard in the past 25 years to forget it because he didn't want to remember. But, it makes it hard on me, with the questions I have. Some things have returned to his memory and he has told me some of them.I understand this is tough on him, but is vital to MY healing! Thanks so very much again for your honesty and helping us as BS to understand some of this! I wish you all the best, this is one tough journey for everyone!

Posts: 111 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SofaKing - no affair 'just happens'. There is a conscious decision on the part of the WS, whether that be signing up to a website, an inappropriate comment to a co-worker, a flirty text, whatever. None of it just happens, every affair is a choice. No type is worse than the other, they are all equally sordid and disgusting.

I think what your BS was trying to do was minimise. She was attempting to make herself feel better about the situation because if the affair 'just happened' it alleviates her of responsibility, as if she had no control. It's complete bullsnot. She had full control over it, it was a choice.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1181 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
stunnedmullet
♀ Member
Member # 42975
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you to all the WS who take the time and self examine to answer in her, it is so good to read all the replies. I have a question.

WH tells me that the sex between him and AP wasn't better or worse just different. He said it just felt a bit sordid and dirty and afterwards he felt sick because he felt guilty. If this is the case, how did he go back for at least 8 different times of sex over 3 nights including twice when they spent the whole night together? I can't understand if it felt so awful even if it was just afterwards why or how do you go back for more?

Thank you in anticipation x


DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 40
WH 38
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids

I always thought I was enough but obviously not!


Posts: 147 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stunnedmullet,

I have explained it exactly that way to my BH. It's hard to explain...for me, it was so out of character. I've always been the good girl. I am a devoted mother, my kids (and H) were always first. When this started it was almost like it wasn't me. It was exciting, I felt bad, I had self loathing and this played into it and spiraled and snowballed and kind of rounded out the whole 'other me' thing.

It was dangerous and sickening, yet I went back. The sex was exciting and different, it was a high. Sounds so cliche (and it is cliche and selfish and stupid), but I was able to step out of my real life during those times and escape. I forgot about what was wrong in me and what I was feeling and just detached from reality.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36626 | Registered: Sep 2007
stunnedmullet
♀ Member
Member # 42975
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you authenticnow.

I guess that hurts even though it's the truth, it made him sick and felt wrong but it was still so good, so good that he still chose something that made him sick over me. She was still so much better than what I could offer him.


DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 40
WH 38
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids

I always thought I was enough but obviously not!


Posts: 147 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She was still so much better than what I could offer him.
Not true!

I'm sorry if that's what you got from my response.

People smoke for years, it doesn't mean it's good, or better than not smoking. I eat too much chocolate. Tastes good, give me a satisfied feeling for awhile, but I usually feel like crap afterwards. kwim?


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36626 | Registered: Sep 2007
Jovie
♀ Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stunnedmullet,

The way I view it, sex was currency for the attention I desired. I cried in hysterics after the first time and couldn't get to the shower fast enough, I felt so disgusted. But the part I was addicted to that kept it going was the flirting and attention.


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said it just felt a bit sordid and dirty and afterwards he felt sick because he felt guilty. If this is the case, how did he go back

My M was always one of those people admired from the outside.

The first time I had sex with AP#1, I remember standing at the bathroom sink, almost sick. I remember looking at myself, trying to figure out who I was, and how I could live with this.

I am ashamed to admit that it got easier as time went on. I was still ashamed, but I got really good at compartmentalizing it. I had an hour drive to AP#1 house. By the time I was back to work, I had packed that part of my life away, and opened up the box where I kept my job and marriage.

I had self loathing and this played into it and spiraled and snowballed and kind of rounded out the whole 'other me' thing.

This was me, too. Except I realize that this "other me" leaked over into the rest of my life, until I was miserable everywhere.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 380 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
byefornow
♀ Member
Member # 41992
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am almost 8 months past DDay. Initially, my WH claimed the affair was “just sex” and he never really loved the OW. I have posed the question to him many times, “If it was just sex, then how could you risk everything (wife, kids, job, etc) for “just sex”?” He has thought hard and we have had some good discussions on it, but he has more digging to do on himself.

My question to other BS’s is how do you go from getting a lot of ‘sex’ and ‘ego-kibbles’ to normal ‘wife’ sex?

My WH and I are having sex more often with more variety, but he has also told me OW made him feel like he was the next Don Juan. So, with that said, I feel very inadequate.

I guess my question is 1) do you miss the ego push the OW provided? And how did you adjust to just sex with just your wife? Did you ask your wife to provide ego-kibbles?

My WH says he does not miss the OW at all. He despises her and he despises some of what she said to him to keep him ‘hooked’. But, I keep thinking it had to mean something and it definitely made him feel like he was the next best thing. I am feeling foolish for even trying to compete.

I guess I see OW as “exciting, Don Juan, lust and just WOW” and I see us as “ok, fun, warm and comfortable”. How does the BS go back to the OK after the WOW?


BW- me
WH - him
married over 25 years

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sort of a big question. But I just dont understand affair relationships.

Was watching the tele last night and there came on a conversation between 2 characters where 1 admitted a affair.

The other character asked almost immediately.
What are you going to do?
and
Where is the affair going?

Do people in affairs think long term? I mean. Do they think the affair relationship is going anywhere? Or are they content with just a little on the side?

In the dialog on the tele. The what are you going to do question seems to mean that the character in the affair knows the affair is wrong. Which I think everyone in a affair must believe (otherwise it wouldnt be secret). So something has to be done about it? Is there some drive to decide between the BS and the AP?

And yet affairs go on for years becoming relationships. Doesnt a long term relationship have to be going somewhere?

I guess the crux of my question is. What sort of relationship is a affair? And how does having 2 relationships going on at once affect that relationship?

Sorry for the ramble. Any insight would be appreciated.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


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