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Newest Member: tryingtolove (44683)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 8
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor, I see so much cognitive dissonance on SI, people (BS especially) vainly struggling to make sense of the irrational. Not sure insight is really possible. 13 months out, I'm having a hard time understanding it myself, and I lived it.

My affairs weren't relationships, they were fantasy escapism wrapped in delusion borne of temporary insanity spawned by short-term distress and decades-old trauma.

Did I think long term? Hell no, future schmuture! AP1 fell in luuuurve with me instantly, and talked about how my kids would be *fine* if I D'd so we could be together. While I don't sincerely think he was looking to make me future-ex-wife #3, apparently permanently escaping his M was his fantasy outcome. AP2 was a world traveler, looking to establish a regular NSA hookup whenever he docked in the Port of Florida, since (reportedly) he wasn't getting laid at home in the UK. Me? I embraced the YOLO line peddled by Ashley Madison, and once I signed up I was hooked on the thrill of being pursued. Like a druggie, I thought only about getting, and maintaining, my fix.

Maybe my sitch is a little different (aren't they all!) because in my delusional brain I thought if BH busted me, he'd basically shrug and say, "Alright, we're even, I had my fun, you had yours, I'm kinda pissed but I forgive you." No, the option of leaving BH (or him me) never entered my mind, nor did the thought that BH might *actually be hurt* by my actions. While I never planned on a LT future with either AP, I'm also not certain I would've voluntarily broken things off. Again...future, schmuture.

how does having 2 relationships going on at once affect that relationship?

If anything, during my A's I was (or *acted*) more loving and attentive at home. Someone posted once that their WW felt *powerful* during the A's, and ICR to that. It was a high, a drug, I was hopped-up and felt amazing. God, I was such an ass.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1103 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
ifeellikeafool
♀ Member
Member # 43507
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ws opinions and answer wanted desperately.

When I try to talk to my WH about EA he had he says he cant remember he calls it a "mind block" so instead of me finding out what I need to know and get it over with at once so we can heal this he is prolonging my agony by telling me bits and pieces here and there as he "remembers them" I feel like it's a act I want to work this out but if he keeps playing games idk I might change my mind because this really irritates me he is making me hurt multiple times if he told me everything I would hurt but then we could move forward. My question is he playing a mind game with me or manipulating me or lying by pretending he cant remember? All opinions welcome please tell me.


Me BS 32
My WH 44
Dday march 27,2014
Around 2005 he went to one of those message places off craigslist
2002 few months of M tried with BF she said no so he got BJ from maid of honor

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: California
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe he can't remember details but IMO he can remember most of it. What are you asking him? What types of things is he saying he can't remember?


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37235 | Registered: Sep 2007
anothermoron
♂ New Member
Member # 43237
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well he may be telling the truth, or he may not. the only way you find out (I think) is to escalate things a little. if you take it to the point of "i know you're lying, so I'm leaving you" then you'll either get a little bit more truth (which tells you there may be a lot more left) or you'll get nothing, which is - well - inconclusive. That's all i got!

Posts: 43 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New York
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I disagree that you should threaten to leave if he doesn't tell you because you should never make threats if you don't plan to follow through. I do agree that you can give an ultimatum if you're prepared to follow through...say, a polygraph.

If you're comfortable doing so, ask for the truth and if he doesn't give it start moving forward to have him take a polygraph.

His reaction will say a lot, and the test can be very helpful for many BSs. Again, be ready for what you will do with the information you get.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37235 | Registered: Sep 2007
Imissmyhusb
♀ Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello WSs :-)

Did any of your BSs 180 you? Did u recognize it as such? How did u react to it - in or out of your fog?


Met '95 - dated '97 - married '03 - dday '13
3 kids 7y and 4y twins, me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 206 | Registered: Mar 2014
storm77
♀ Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did Anyone here have a ons? Wh says that is all that it was. They were friends and worked together. I found out much later. He says they did not flirt or anything but i do not believe him.i think it was emotional as well before it became physical.


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 126 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor --

What sort of relationship is a affair? And how does having 2 relationships going on at once affect that relationship?

For me, my A was a relationship. I spoke to AP#1 nearly every day. When she stopped talking to me for a while, I was really heartbroken.

I know now (and probably knew then, too) that my A wasn't remotely as real or as encompassing as my M. It was just a tiny sliver of my life, and a tiny sliver of AP's life. To go all Plato on you, the A was the shadow on the cave wall compared to my M. But since I kept the A in it's own compartment, that little sliver filled up all of the space that I allowed it.

My M was just about completely separate in my mind from my A. When I was with my BW and family, I tried to be with them completely. I realize now that I wasn't. It wasn't because I was texting AP or anything like that. It's just that I wasn't actually "present" for anything in my life.

In the moment, I would have said that the A had very little affect on my interaction with my BW, because I separated those two lives. I know now that my A brought me down, and that seeped through everything that I did.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so grateful for this thread.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1873 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Storm77,

I did. Well it was a two time encounter, and I did not work with the person. I can say that there was no emotional ties with this person what so ever. That is a fact. So it is a possibility for sure if that is what you are looking for. I had zero attachment to this person.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4730 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I reconcile with an un-remorseful WW, what are some of the possible outcomes, and is there a possibility she could become remorseful during R?

From some experiences, I read here, some of you weren't remorseful right away... but chose R right?


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
storm77
♀ Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tired girl,
Thank you. This has weighed on my heart for a while. He was very nasty to me during this time so i found what he said difficult to believe. I just want honesty but it is hard to believe what he says. What you said makes it a possibility.


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 126 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
ifeellikeafool
♀ Member
Member # 43507
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question for WS please

My husband had a EA and all along I suspected I would ask everyday sometimes more than once a day. He would always deny it.After DDay when he was busted and he couldn't lie anymore and had to admit it I asked him when I would ask him . Everyday if he was cheating did he get any kind of thrill from lying. He says he felt bad and most of the time he would push the bad feeling away but he says the affair was thrill of the chase so I can't help but wonder if he got a small cheap thrill lying to me all time and thinking he got away with it so I'm curious on any thoughts from any of you wayward spouses out there. Also he told me he never went all the way with her because in his head he justified it as like as long as I don't sleep with her it's not that bad sorta thing. But then he tells me it was like thrill of the chase or chasing a high and it became a conquest to see how far she would go but to me that makes no since because he said he wouldn't sleep with her but at the same time he is seeing how far she would go? Any thoughts appreciated.


Me BS 32
My WH 44
Dday march 27,2014
Around 2005 he went to one of those message places off craigslist
2002 few months of M tried with BF she said no so he got BJ from maid of honor

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: California
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hated lying and sneaking around. It would really bother me, until I learned to push it away. I got numb to it. I never got a thrill out of it.

You didn't ask, but the "I wouldn't sleep with her because that would be wrong" argument is dangerous. Maybe it's true in this case. But most of us said that to ourselves at one time or another, and a majority of us blew through that boundary. I'm not a black and white person, but an affair is an affair. Wrong is wrong. Not having sex (yet?) is like being only a little bit pregnant.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
neecee
♀ Member
Member # 43523
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure this question has been asked already, but I could find a thread on it. My WH is still madly in love with me. He is absolutely devastated that he may very well live his life without me. He is a broken man who loves his children. My obvious question to any WS, is it possible to have a meaningless A with someone and still be madly in love with your BS at the same time? How do you take that risk of losing everything that means anything to you? Just wondering.

[This message edited by neecee at 7:57 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)]


What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.....I should be dead by now!!!!!
me 44
WH 46
married 19 years in 3 weeks
together 28 years
3 children 16,14,7
OW-lucky to be alive!!!!
D-Day 5/8/2014

Posts: 84 | Registered: May 2014 | From: new york
PositiveAttitude
♀ Member
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many different things I've read said that in a LTA the WS usually thinks about the AP when with the BS (escaping to the fantasy), but the WS rarely thinks about the BS when with the AP (so as not to bust the A "bubble"). My WH states that it was the exact opposite. That when he was with her he couldn't get me/our children out of his head, but when he was with us never thought of her. He has stated this in several conversations in different ways to the point that I believe it's true.

Was this true for any of you, and if so did you ever wonder why? I have a theory; I'm just not sure if I can put words to it without more input.


Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
ifeellikeafool
♀ Member
Member # 43507
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so afraid to ask this because I think I know the answer. WS please answer. When I busted him on DDay one of the first things he said was its not her fault (ow) she turned me down it was all me.so when I confront her I'm nice I even thank her for turning him down. He said he lied she kissed him on the neck first! He says he lied because he didn't want it getting around work and he says EA was some fantasy he had in his head and he wasn't ready to let go yet. Then after I informed him she basically. Through him under the bus now he hates her and after my suicide attempt he cant stand her doesn't know what he saw in her.so my question is do you think he really loves me can any of you WS relate to this? I'm really feeling like second choice. Please be honest opinions really needed thank you


Me BS 32
My WH 44
Dday march 27,2014
Around 2005 he went to one of those message places off craigslist
2002 few months of M tried with BF she said no so he got BJ from maid of honor

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: California
ifeellikeafool
♀ Member
Member # 43507
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have another question it seems like my husband just isn't making a effort to me or as much as I w would hope he says it's cause he is afraid whatever he does is wrong but I just really am starting to think he doesn't care any WS relate to this?


Me BS 32
My WH 44
Dday march 27,2014
Around 2005 he went to one of those message places off craigslist
2002 few months of M tried with BF she said no so he got BJ from maid of honor

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: California
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

husband just isn't making a effort to me or as much as I w would hope he says it's cause he is afraid whatever he does is wrong

My BW said something along these lines in MC early on. I thought I was doing a lot, so it took me by surprise. We have worked through it by BW telling me what she wants to see.

Specifically, BW didn't see me change the way that I reacted to certain situations. So I promised to let her know every time I thought or reacted differently than I used to. That showed BW the effort that she was looking for. And it gave me direction about what she needs to feel better.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
tryingsodanghard
♂ New Member
Member # 43590
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long did it take for your sex drive to return with your BS?

Did you ever fall in love again with your BS?


M in 2005
D's in 2008
Me BH 51
She WW 41
1st D Day 5-2-2012
2nd D Day 5-4-2013
Separated 6-2012
Divorced 9-11-2012
5 yo son, 15 yo SD
After a year of trying, she finally went NC 6-3-2013
In R and domestic partners since July of 2013.

Posts: 35 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South
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