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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 8
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal,

I can't speak for all waywards but my inability to forsee that it would all end badly was certainly down to the mental gymnastics I performed to justify the A. I didn't allow myself to see consequences.

"My H doesn't love me, doesn't notice me, wouldn't care if I stopped breathing, so why would he care that I had an affair"

I compartmentalised, suppressed and ignored it all. It didn't seem real, I was completely detached from reality.

Sorry, I realise that's not much help. It's fucked up, out of this world, crazy as a box of frogs, wayward thinking and it makes no sense.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the WS that had a LTA, why did you keep it going for so long, if you weren't going to leave your spouse?

It was a separate little life. When I was focused on AP, I was completely compartmentalized. I did one thing, and then I did something else. Sure, there were also all sorts of justifications, like everyone does it, or people aren't programmed to be monogamous, no one is getting hurt, my BW doesn't really care as long as I keep the lawn mowed, or I'm doing this because I DONT want to D. Lots of waywards uses these kinds of thoughts to justify what they are doing.

Unfortunately, this became a downward spiral for me. I'd hate myself for the A. Since I avoid conflict and self reflection (which were a huge part of the problem), the only wan to get on with my day was to build a stronger wall between the A and life. But that wall doesn't keep everything out. So I'd be more and more unhappy because I was lying, cheating, shifting blame to everyone except me, things like that.

So I'd be more down and withdrawn, and sought the release of the A even more. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I wanted to stop it dozens of times. Then, eventually, it became something that I did. A was a compartment, work was a compartment, M was a compartment, my kids football team was a compartment, etc. None of them were good, because I poisoned them all. So I'd just kind of drift among all these little boxes I set up for myself, never stopping to see who I was becoming.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 489 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for the reply heartbroken0903


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
BrokenheartedWif
♀ New Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the reply Somethingremorse.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're welcome, soconfusednow.

sal1995,

As another WS who was shocked by the amount of fallout:

Yes, I knew it would end badly. I knew that I'd be divorced if discovered, or I thought I'd divorce him first for the AP. I went into it eyes wide open on that aspect, the factual aspect of What Will Happen.

What I didn't count on were the range of emotions that would be involved---both mine and XH's. I knew he'd be angry if he caught me, at being disrespected and betrayed. I didn't expect him to be so heartbroken and devastated. And I didn't expect to feel that way either about being dumped. We'd only been together 3.5 years...no kids, no mortgage, no lifetime of experiences together. Showing how immature and not ready for marriage I was, I figured it would be like ending things with a serious boyfriend. It would suck and it would hurt but we'd both be OK.

Yeah...it was a whole lot worse than I expected.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2100 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, I realise that's not much help. It's fucked up, out of this world, crazy as a box of frogs, wayward thinking and it makes no sense.

Thanks BBT, that makes as much sense as anything else I've heard since D Day.

Yeah...it was a whole lot worse than I expected.

My wife would certainly agree with you there, HB0903. Thanks for the response.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
PMs with men only, please
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1357 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW kept a diary during the time of her affair. I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with my story. WW had an affair with one of my best friends who also happened to be one of my supervisors at work. Last year I suffered a life threatening injury at work while she was in a hotel out of town with OM.

She says this ended her affair. But I recently found that diary. What was written was devastating to say the least. Sorry don't mean to get off track.

But my question(s) is why keep it? If your trying to R and want your marriage, what purpose does it serve? Does anyone else keep mementos of their affair?


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Divorce was filed, but I'm willing to give her one more chance. I'm watching.


Posts: 327 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with my story.

Pretty sure we all are I've corresponded with your WW several times, because she reminds me so much of myself.

SWAT, do you remember the first time you ever felt an endorphin rush, after a hard workout? Or an adrenaline rush, in an intense situation?

Those brain chemicals are very real, and powerful. WW (almost certainly) felt a similar rush when she corresponded with APs. The journal is/was a phenylethylamine delivery system. When she was feeling low after DDay, she could pull it out and get her fix. Of course a truly remorseful WW would've burned/shredded that damn thing, and I knew (as did you, I reckon) from jump street that she was lying about "forgetting" she had the journal.

Her reluctance to give up that security blanket is hardly uncommon among WS, many of whom ultimately recovered. Speaking as a fWW who became deeply addicted (not clinically, but it's a convenient metaphor) to the "rush" I felt from communicating with APs, and had a very difficult time detoxing from that...I totally get why she kept the journal. When I was feeling like shit after DDay, about three months out, I watched a television show in which AP appeared. I wrote him letters that I didn't send. It was, I think, the final surge of "the drug" in my system, before I finally decided to kick it.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1109 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with my story.

Another one who knows your story and identifies with your WW.

I didn't have any inanimate objects from the A (AP gave me two gifts but I threw them away) nor did I keep a journal. But I agree with what 20Wrongs says.

In my case, I ended the PA after three weeks. I didn't want to do that anymore. But the 'EA' continued for another few months. I say 'EA' but it was just arguing and him trying to get me to leave but it was like a nicotine patch... an A patch. I didn't know how or have the courage to go NC so the constant arguing kept me topped up on external validation. Until he became bunny boiler, scared the life out of me and I called the police.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both for answering. I appreciate your taking the time.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Divorce was filed, but I'm willing to give her one more chance. I'm watching.


Posts: 327 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
outtamymind
♂ Member
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with 20wrongs also. I kept objects after I ended the affair also. I didn't keep a journal, however. But I can see how it would be kept to serve as a way to re-live the affair without contacting the AP.


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 296 | Registered: Oct 2011
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks y'all. I kind of thought that maybe why. I'm not sure how I feel about the whole reliving the affair part though.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Divorce was filed, but I'm willing to give her one more chance. I'm watching.


Posts: 327 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realize she wasn't being truthful when she said she forgot she wrote the journal, but is it at all possible that she did honestly forget to throw it away?


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2100 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
SoSorry17
♀ Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is SWAT70. I'm actually talking with SS right now and she showed me her tablet and she is logged in so I'm sorry if this confuses anyone. She had it tucked away in her closet. Ironically right under the photo albums of our wedding.
Eta...not likely did she forget it.

[This message edited by SoSorry17 at 6:26 PM, June 19th (Thursday)]


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, but he is giving me time and a chance to prove that I am his "one".

Posts: 207 | Registered: May 2014
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Posted this in the other thread - but I would want to understand why she kept it. Not as a means of punishment, but as a means of understanding a thought process that lead to extremely risky behavior. She probably can't answer - she might not really be able to explain it. But the reason I raised it is the answer of why she kept it probably explains a lot of her behavior.

The only way for both of you to get that answer is with the help of an IC. My wife kept things too - took work to understand why.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 228 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to apologize to my wife. She was on the site when I stopped by and she was reading this thread. I had posted a question. I got angry with her and grabbed her tablet and read the what was there and it was answers to my questions. I yelled at her and posted a rude comment which I edited. I'm sorry for that. She told me what she was doing and I overreacted. I'm sorry for that.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Divorce was filed, but I'm willing to give her one more chance. I'm watching.


Posts: 327 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so frustrated. Every time I post in here I don't get an answer. What am I doing wrong? Someone even posted about having had an EA in a response to someone else's question after I posted mine. I'm respectful and check every day hoping for some kind of answer. Sorry, just frustrated. This is third question I've posted in the past 6 months. None of them got a response.


WS: 38--2 EAs
BS: 38--me, faithful
DS: 5
8 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 557 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Peoplepleaser,

I'm sorry. Let me take a look at your question and if it's something I can answer I will. I'll be back to the thread in a jiff.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2100 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Peoplepleaser,

1. How many EAs are later discovered to be PAs?

Not sure of the numbers. I had EA/PA. If I had to guess by the posts on SI, I'd say most probably had a physical component. Definitely not all though.

2. If you kept the PA a secret, why did you do it? What did it take to finally admit it to your BS? If you still haven't, why not?

I was caught at both at the same time.

3. What are the odds that it was a PA (4000 texts in 6 weeks and the ones I know about WS was requesting the AP get rid of her BS so she could come over to have sex, and a text about having a quickie in a closet when it didn't pan out--btw, who mentions having quickies when romancing someone before any physical contact occurred?)?

It's hard to say...it's hard to speculate and I'd hate to accuse someone I don't know, but of course it's a possibility more happened than she said did.

4. Am I right to consider that there are more I haven't discovered that she's not telling me? If there are two that I "found" after I woke up from what I thought was my security blanket, then isn't that a pattern that points to so much more?

If you suspect there might be more, then you are absolutely right to consider it. It does sound like a pattern of only confessing to what you know/strongly suspect while leaving other stuff out...but again it's hard for me to say.

5. Does the WS truly forget their involvement with an AP given the emotional charge from the rush of attention? Is compartmentalization so powerful that it is forgotten or unretrievable?

In my opinion: no way.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2100 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

peoplepleaser,

Madhatter here. I can personally speak to this question:

2. If you kept the PA a secret, why did you do it? What did it take to finally admit it to your BS? If you still haven't, why not?

I cheated on my wife when we were still boyfriend/girlfriend early on in our relationship (about six months into it or so). I kept it a secret for many years, for several reasons:

1) I did not want to own up to my own actions, which horrified me so much, and made me feel so ashamed of myself.

2) I felt like it was my burden to bear, and I didn't want to hurt her.

3) I was scared to death that I would lose her.

Fast forward 15 years, and I discovered my wife's affair, and got a confession out of her. Two weeks after d-day #1, she was calling me "her saint", because I was sticking with her. I couldn't stomach that, knowing that I had cheated as well, and I confessed fully to her.

Shortly after that, I joined SI, and gradually learned that I should have confessed and been honest with her all along, even though I had been "faithful" to her for all the years following my A (no, I never cheated on her again, but I consider holding onto that lie all of those years as being unfaithful). The fact that I didn't confess immediately, made my side of the relationship non-authentic and a lie.

Long story short, I kept it a secret out of fear and shame. No excuses. Just pathetic weakness on my part.


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