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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 8
lovehonorcherish
♀ Member
Member # 41843
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wondering if any WS's out there can tell me what is supposed to be so freakin' special about the OW? I look at her and see a woman who purposely pursued an unavailable man (yes, I am aware that stbxh is truly the person to blame here!), she knowingly destroyed two marriages (this is her third affair since she married 20 years ago) and she has the moral fortitude of a bag of rocks! And yet my stbxh is falling all over himself for her and has destroyed every significant relationship in his life! Me, his family, my family, our friends. What is it about the OW that blinds him to the rest of his life? His parents are aging and he completely neglects them. It hurts me to see him hurting his folks that way.


I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change...I am changing the things I cannot accept.

Posts: 120 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Northeastern US
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

in particular MH: if u were given 20/20 hindsight and recognized you were thinking like a wayward before becoming a wayward, what would u have done differently?

get myself to IC fast. Read even more. I wish I would have found this place before I embarked on my affair. I blamed my affair on my unhappiness and that I deserved something different because obviously what I had was not making me happy. Turns out the only common denominator was me. And getting my ego stroked and validated didn't make me happy, it made me miserable


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4537 | Registered: Dec 2010
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are no answers to some questions I guess. Im going to put this out there just so as I am not the only one shaking their head in astonishment? disbelief? what?

WWs OM was a BH in his first marriage. His WW left him for her OM.

THEN he (OM) became a OM when he took up with his current wife who was married to someone else at the time. His current wife worked as a admin in his department. Her husband (BH) kicked her out when he discovered the affair and she showed up unexpectedly on OMs door. Eventually they got M.

OMs wife #2 (last paragraph) eventually got pregnant and quit her job to raise their kids. Guess who took her job when she left? Yeh. My WW took her job.

My WW worked there for several years and saw OM have affairs with at least one other woman at their place of work. THEN OM and my WW started their EA. That became a PA.

I find it incredible that OM who was a BH could do that to another person. He knows the pain of being a BH. How could he do that to another man?

Some people should come with warning labels I guess. I dunno. It all just seems almost too crazy to believe.

I dont know what to say about that. Or what to think or believe about it either.

Id be interested in comments from WS about this though.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3381 | Registered: Sep 2007
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor,

My AP was a BS too many years ago. In fact, his XW left him for her OM and they are still married (she and the OM).

What's odd is that he saw no connection between his role as the OM in my marriage and what his XW's OM did to HIS marriage.

His philosophy is that no one cheats unless the M is bad and the cheater is unhappy so it's never the OP's problem or issue. Even the OM that broke up his own M many years ago.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2080 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all - I'm curious -

If you read threads in JFO, General, Reconciliation, etc, how do you feel? Does it bring back painful memories that you went through with your BS? Do you wonder if that's how your BS feels? In particular, the threads that pertain to "WS is doing everything right, and I still think about divorce daily" or threads like this? Do you wonder if your BS is secretly daydreaming of leaving? Does that scare you?

I know we BSs often say we get a lot from the posts in the WS forum. I really wonder what feelings these kinds of threads spark in a WS.

I'm not bashing or trying to pick a scab here, and I do apologize if these questions bother any of the WSs that are truly kind enough to share their thoughts. That is definitely not my intention.

Thank you!!!


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1780 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you read threads in JFO, General, Reconciliation, etc, how do you feel?

If it's a thread where someone is in pain, I feel badly for them. If it's one where folks are doing well, I feel glad.

Does it bring back painful memories that you went through with your BS?

Doesn't really apply since we split almost immediately after D-day.

Do you wonder if that's how your BS feels? In particular, the threads that pertain to "WS is doing everything right, and I still think about divorce daily" or threads like this? Do you wonder if your BS is secretly daydreaming of leaving? Does that scare you?

No.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2080 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you read threads in JFO, General, Reconciliation, etc, how do you feel?

I don't read JFO or General. Too painful. I read Rec to understand what my BW is going through and learn better how to help. Positive stories give me lots of hope. Some of the BS posters there are great, and I read and reread every post they share.

Lots of things bring out shame and hurt and embarrassment. Those can be good tools to propel me forward, provided I don't dwell on them. Still, sometimes all of SI, and especially those forums, can be too much to handle.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 398 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you wonder if that's how your BS feels?
All the time.

I really wonder what feelings these kinds of threads spark in a WS.
Sorrow when a BS is describing their pain.
Guilt and shame when a BS describes what they have been subjected to.
Glad and hopeful when a BS writes about successful R and how well they are healing.
A little pissed off when a BS has a vent about all waywards being evil and such.
Anger, when I read of the despicable behaviour of waywards. Hypocritical I know, but there it is.
Strangely enough, I feel uplifted (as in, good for you)when a BS writes about putting on the 'bitch boots' to rip their unremorseful waywards a new one. Go figure.

In particular, the threads that pertain to "WS is doing everything right, and I still think about divorce daily" or threads like this? Do you wonder if your BS is secretly daydreaming of leaving? Does that scare you?
No, not really, I let go of the outcome a while back. I look at it this way. If I'm changeing my behaviour simply to avoid divorce, is that change going to be lasting, or am I going to revert when the threat of divorce is gone?



Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 367 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, not really, I let go of the outcome a while back. I look at it this way. If I'm changing my behavior simply to avoid divorce, is that change going to be lasting, or am I going to revert when the threat of divorce is gone?

I agree completely. I am trying to become the partner that BW deserves. But I know that the pain that I caused may be too much to get over. I would hate that, but it would never want to go back to the way that I was. Even if we were apart, I still have the kids and myself to take care of.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 398 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what is supposed to be so freakin' special about the OW?

OM in my case but it's the same logic. AP's are a mirror. They are just a broken as the wayward. Because they are broken, they don't reflect accurately so when the WS looks, they don't see their own broken self, they see a wonderful person. The AP maintains this illusion by feeding ego kibbles.

APs are not special, I think in most cases they could be anyone.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1216 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you read threads in JFO, General, Reconciliation, etc, how do you feel?

I read and post in general because I'm a MH, I'm a little more comfortable in there than the average wayward. I can't post in JFO but I do read sometimes. I feel frustration with the unremorseful WS who are the cause of so much pain. I feel ashamed that I was one of them.
Empathy for the BS who are either holding their family together in the face of so much pain or bravely starting a new life from scratch.
I read in recon a little bit but rarely post. I'm not there yet, I can't relate. Maybe one day.

Does it bring back painful memories that you went through with your BS?

Not memories really, we're only six months out so we're still living it.

Do you wonder if that's how your BS feels?

Yep. He doesn't talk much.

In particular, the threads that pertain to "WS is doing everything right, and I still think about divorce daily" or threads like this? Do you wonder if your BS is secretly daydreaming of leaving? Does that scare you?

No, they don't scare me. I did a horrible, disgusting thing, D would be a consequence of that. I know I'm on the right path now, I know I'm making progress and I know I'm becoming safer, trustworthy, healthy. I'm healing for me, if I get to stay M then that's something I would never take for granted. I would never throw away a second chance like that. But if not, then I just keep healing and I'll be ok.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1216 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to all for the replies.

Next question: I see so many WSs posting about missing AP for months or more. I see Mia's survival guide bumped weekly. I have to wonder - if so many miss the AP so much, why stay in the marriage? If the desire for AP is so strong, how do you know you want to remain married to your BS? As a BS, that's confusing. How is it possible to be so convinced you want your BS, and yet at the same time be missing the AP so strongly?

Thanks!


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1780 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
BadWifeTx
♀ New Member
Member # 43846
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find it incredible that OM who was a BH could do that to another person. He knows the pain of being a BH. How could he do that to another man?

I am in that very position and I find it incredible to believe myself. I was the BS for years. Then my H changed his wicked ways, and for 10 years and became everything I ever wanted. But now I'm the cheater. It's a total disconnect. I know the pain, anguish, and yes, hatred that comes from being betrayed. But could I feel the pain of my H or the OMW, if they found out? Yes, but it's not real to me right now. On an intellectual level, I know it's there, but not on an emotional level. Right now, since neither of them know, I have blocked that completely out of my realm of thinking. I know they will both be devastated and 2 marriages could be ruined. And to be honest, it is too painful to think of how my husband's years of cheating hurt me. It's like I'm living in an alternate universe with no feelings right now. I dread the day any of this comes to light, because I know I will die a thousand deaths if my H leaves me. That is the truth.


Me: 51 WW (formerly BS)
Him: 54 BS (serial cheater, faithful for last 10 years)
Married 28 years
1 Son, age 30

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2014
BadWifeTx
♀ New Member
Member # 43846
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see so many WSs posting about missing AP for months or more. I see Mia's survival guide bumped weekly. I have to wonder - if so many miss the AP so much, why stay in the marriage? If the desire for AP is so strong, how do you know you want to remain married to your BS? As a BS, that's confusing. How is it possible to be so convinced you want your BS, and yet at the same time be missing the AP so strongly?

In the case of my H, when he cheated, he couldn't wait to get caught & get out of it. He did not want an emotional connection or another relationship. He liked the sex, the danger, the thrill, he never fell in love, never wanted to see them again -- so I guess that's why I stayed with him. Oh and to this day, he still relies on me to extricate him from things that are unpleasant, whether it's a family obligation he agreed to & didn't want to, or a contract he signed & wants out of. So that's a strange little dynamic we have going. He made sure I found out about his ONS or affairs. The ONS invariably ended w/ the OW tracking him down & being clingy or if it was more than a ONS, he did not want it to go on.
Now in my case, it's different. I have a very strong feeling of attachment to the OM and might even dare to call it love. If caught, I'd probably miss the closeness, the openness, just the completely different type of person he is from my H. But could I live with him & have a life with him? No. I would fantasize about it and dream about it, though. That's what makes the "missing them" feeling so strong. It's not based on reality. And somewhere in your mind you know this.

[This message edited by BadWifeTx at 9:06 AM, June 27th (Friday)]


Me: 51 WW (formerly BS)
Him: 54 BS (serial cheater, faithful for last 10 years)
Married 28 years
1 Son, age 30

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2014
mamajen00
♀ Member
Member # 43810
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS's,

I'm quite new here and only 2 months out from Dday. My WH had a six month long intense EA with a woman he grew up with and dated for a few months before we got together. She lives 5000 miles away. They met up in April for a PA and then upon returning home each told their respective BS. I told him to NC with OW immediately, he agreed, but then I found out he was lying. I kicked him out May 1st. We started MC right away. I've been going to IC as well. The OW's husband told me that the emails they exchanged for months were very "damaging". I'm sure you can all imagine their hopes and dreams with each other that they created. My WH has been fence sitting from the very beginning, while continuing to be a part of me and our son'a daily life. Coming and going, joining us at the beach, etc. while also still in contact with OW. He says they realized they need to focus on their own situations and are just friends. Obviously, I don't believe this. Last week, I told him to engage in NC or I would need boundaries to protect myself. The boundaries were basically the 180 plan, but I didn't know it at the time. Yesterday in MC, he agreed to NC (very resistantly) and said he wanted to work on "dissolving" the marriage. He read a letter that he clearly had help in writing. And when I rephrased and said, "you are saying you want a divorce?" He said, "No, that's not what I'm saying". So, my question is: do I wait a little bit longer to see if he emerges from the fog now that he is NC to see if he's willing to commit to R? Why is he still fence sitting even seconds after he read the letter? He did finally agree to IC. All of this happened yesterday. Should I wait and see if this new scenario creates a more remorseful and willing to R WH? Or are the signs pointing toward his complete unwillingness to ever R?


BS- me 37
WH- him 38
1 son - almost 5
Married 8 years
Together 13 years
DDay 4/19/14
9 months of intense EA
2 days of PA

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jun 2014
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painfulpast - I wish I could answer you. I wish I knew the answer. I'm WW and even I don't get it! I never experienced that.

Mamajen - No, don't wait. He is cake eating. Don't enable him or allow him to do that. He's either all in or you're out. File. If he comes back to the M then that's great but if not then you're already working on your own healing and you will be ok.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1216 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Next question: I see so many WSs posting about missing AP for months or more. I see Mia's survival guide bumped weekly. I have to wonder - if so many miss the AP so much, why stay in the marriage? If the desire for AP is so strong, how do you know you want to remain married to your BS? As a BS, that's confusing. How is it possible to be so convinced you want your BS, and yet at the same time be missing the AP so strongly?

I did miss my AP for a few months. BUT, I had done some reading, did IC, found this place and realized what I was missing was a chemical high that had nothing to do with him. I knew it was wrong, that I loved my husband and if I followed the Nc guidelines that my pining away for AP would stop. And it did. And now he and what we did disgust me.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4537 | Registered: Dec 2010
Trying2LoveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@LimboHurts....Really?? He wants to spend time with you and the family to see if YOU can and have changed? I am frankly appalled a WS would even CONSIDER saying this? HE should be leaving the A and should be trying to prove to YOU that HE has/is working on changing! I'd honestly like to hit him with a 2x4!! And I agree that problems in a marriage are 50/50, but I 'hear" you taking WAY more blame for the problems!What I'm reading from this (and I say this gently and lovingly) is that you have very low self-esteem...Maybe IC would help. I am SO sorry you are going through this horrible pain and I pray that you will take care of YOU first! Blessings to you!

Posts: 123 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
mightsurvive
♀ New Member
Member # 38794
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am hoping for some insight on this one. I think it came up today as I was reading the ask the wimenz thread. There was discussion on whether women O from PIV. I have only been able to do this a couple of times in my life (with WH as he is my only). Just before his A he purchased me my first vibrator which I enjoyed and used with him. Then he suddenly became resentful that I used it to O (probably when A started). Shortly thereafter he started saying that I wasn't attracted to him as I couldn't even O during sex....I must not want him....other women can O so there must be something wrong with me. I was feeling very badly about all of this and like there was something wrong with me or I was a bad person. It really messed with my head. Could anyone attempt to explain where this was coming from or put it into perspective for me?
Thanks


BW 37-me
WH 40
Kids
Dday Dec 2011
Reconciling

Posts: 48 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying2LoveAgain...

This thread is not for BS's to engage back and forth...it's strictly for BS's to ask questions of the WS's.

Please respect the intentions of this thread.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196573 | Registered: May 2002
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