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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is doubting normal?
caniheal
♀ New Member
Member # 41532
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new here. Dday was Oct 12 and I've been reading here since then. It's so hard to share something so personal but I need to get used to it.

Story is in my profile, I feel that I've made great progress but I'm starting to doubt myself. At first I felt that I could forgive easily....it felt like it could just be a bump in the road...I think that I was in panic mode at the time and my mind was just trying to save my "happy life". Now that some time has passed, my rose colored glasses have worn off and I seem to think differently. I do love him very much and I want to be happy, however, I feel that this has tainted us and I'm not sure if I will always feel this way. I sometimes feel like it would be nice to start over with a man that would never do this to me......I guess I feel that I deserve more.

This is a very big struggle for me. I don't know if its a phase or not. I'm hoping it will pass and I will feel differently. When he's with me I feel loved, cherished and I know that he feels grateful for a second chance. When he's gone to work I feel empty at times. This is when I think "how could he", "who is this man", "what the hell happened?". This is when I get angry at the whole situation. I'm pissed for being put in this situation. My IC says that anger is helpful, its helps us process. Is it normal to feel great when they are around and then think about the bad stuff when they aren't?

My husband was my rock. He has never been a flirty man with others or one that stares or leers at other women. He was a decent, honest, caring man. He even cut his own father out of his life for cheating on multiple wives. Nobody knows what he has done. Nobody would ever suspect. His family would absolutely be stunned to learn of this. I adored him and now I don't know what I think of him. I know that we had issues with me pulling away sexually but how a great man could turn on 17 years without a thought really scares me. I know that I'm rambling.....the shock of it truly hasn't worn off yet. I guess I need to figure out if this will always affect the way I think about him. I'm doubting that I'll be able to be with a man that disrespected me in this way. Just that one sentence makes me cry. It's going to be a tough night.


BS (me) 40
WH (him) 40
Together 18 years, M 17 years
2 children (elementary school age)
DDay Oct 12 2013
1 mth EA and met up for 2 nights for PA...broke it off immediately, said he realized it didn't fix what he though it would.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Dec 2013
Bikingguy
♂ Member
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When he's with me I feel loved, cherished and I know that he feels grateful for a second chance. When he's gone to work I feel empty at times. This is when I think "how could he", "who is this man", "what the hell happened?".

I think this is completely normal. At least it is for me. Replace H with W and that is exactly how I feel. I am nearing 11 months and like you felt like at first it was a bump in the road, we would get through this in no time. We talk about the WS fog, but I also think there is a lot of BS fog. Mine went away a few months ago. I now have just as many days in depression/anger and still at almost 11 months almost disbelief. I doubt myself everyday that I am compassionate enough to ever get to acceptance let alone forgiveness.

I think if our MC says one more time "forgiveness it no longer having the desire to change the past" I will punch her in the face OK I won't to that - that is saved for OM

I do not have a lot of empathy and am have not had a good history of forgiveness. Well WW sure picked a dussie of a shit sandwich for me to forgive.


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 675 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
Bikingguy
♂ Member
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK clearly at 11 months I still suck at quoting!


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 675 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
Trying2Survive1
♀ Member
Member # 40022
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{caniheal}}}

I'm sorry you find yourself here, but you'll get a lot of support from the members.

At first I felt that I could forgive easily....it felt like it could just be a bump in the road...I think that I was in panic mode at the time and my mind was just trying to save my "happy life". Now that some time has passed, my rose colored glasses have worn off and I seem to think differently.

That described me as well. These past few months have been a hell of a roller coaster ride! That's very normal too.

Please read the healing library and post. It will help your healing.


Madhatters, M 31 yrs
FWW/BS 57-BS/FWH 56
Separated 5 mos in 07.His DDay,11/07.False R since 07. My DDay,7/5/13."Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”
― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow this response ended up being much longer than I anticipated.....I hope you glean some insight from it....

Yes everything you are feeling is normal. All stuff we go through as BS's. It's very hard after being a couple for so long to see yourself as an individual, and I think that's why we have those feel good feelings together, and that dread when apart.

Can the relationship heal and be good again? You bet but it takes a LOT of hard work from both of you, and time. 2 four letter words you may come to hate, WORK and TIME.

I knew even before Dday that if he was willing to R I would be all up for it. So we headed down that road the same day as Dday. It took a bit of time for me to heal enough to not feel so completely broken by his actions to start to put myself first. This was part of the problem. I was and had been finding my happiness through him, and my kids. Afterall as a mom and wife, when they are all happy it makes me happy. However I suddenly realized that I was not doing anything for myself anymore. It was all about them. I wasn't reading, I wasn't exercising, all I was doing was busting my rear to keep H happy, and everything I did wasn't good enough (this was during the A).

Suddenly I was faced with figuring out what made me happy. What would I do each day that brought me joy. My work, well sure, some parts of it. My hobbies....what hobbies did I have? None really. Start looking into what I enjoy, started playing the piano again, started the studying and research to become a good beekeeper, H joined me on that journey. What else? I found that I was content to garden, and play in the dirt, so I did that. I found I enjoyed doing things with my friends, so I started doing that again. Slowly I found me again. In that process I got stronger, and realized that no matter what H did I had no control over it, but he knew the consequences if he ever hurt me again, and he knew this time I was more than strong enough to stick to my guns.

As a result our relationship changed, and evolved, and became quite different from what it was when we started out as kids at 15 and 17. Is our M what it was when we married, when he had our kids? Nope never will be, but neither am I. I am stronger, smarter, healthier, and happier. Luckily H did the hard work to figure out what was broken within himself, and healed that, and he too has become stonger, smarter, healthier, and happier than he was prior to his A. Because of that we have a SOLID M these days, and I am confident in the fact that he loves me, and I him.

So to answer your questions, no it won't be the same, but with work, and time, and both of you doing the work you will find it can be better and stronger, and you won't depend on him for your happiness, which in turn changes the trust thing. Do I trust my spouse? yup. Did I after Dday? Hell no. that took years, yes years to come back. Do I sometimes question to myself what is he thinking or doing you bet, when I see old behaviors, or unhappiness come accross, I wonder. But overall, that's up to him, and I will not tolerate the disrespect, the harsh words, or the anger that I did prior to Dday. I demand the respect I deserve, and I give it equally.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8698 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
RipsInMyChest
♀ Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((CIH))) I am so sorry you find yourself here. We have similar stories. My one year mark is next week. I still have these issues...feeling OK when we are together and then feeling doubts and fears when he is at work. It is getting better, but it is a MUCH longer process than I thought.

I spent 5 months in shock before the dreaded ANGER phase hit. That was a hard few months...Now I am just adjusting to my new reality and working on true acceptance and trying to find peace in my mind.

You are so new to this. Take care of yourself… Start a new hobby or exercise. I know I won't feel the same in 2 years, and as long as your H does the work, you wont either. Accepting the 2-5 year healing timeframe is hard. No one wants to feel like this for 2 to 5 years. let your H see and feel your pain and hold your hand through this process. Read and understand how and why this happened.


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Oct 2013
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first post here, but I am in the same spot. Nobody would ever suspect my WP (partner) would have had even an EA on my, but she did. This wasn't supposed to be us, and I never would have done this to her. I fell in love with her "goodness" toward others and toward me. She isn't flirty with others, but she has poor judgement about when others flirt with her. Anyway, I'm struggling with integrating this new information about what she is capable of with regard to hurting me and our relationship with the goodness I know is in her. I'm scared and tentative. I know we can get through this, but at times my resistance, anger and pain (not to mention distrust) seems so overwhelming that I am frightened I won't get through it and will have to end the relationship.

At first I thought it would be a bump in the road, too. I know her, so I know HOW it happened. It was just an EA without romantic involvement or even sexual attraction, according to WP, which I initially believed, and mostly still believe. Because it was an "accident" I thought I'd be able to move past quickly, but DD was September 6 and I'm still vacillating between heartache and anger. I have flashbacks that make me want to hit her or yell at her. She's trying so hard to be romantic and make me feel special again, but I feel numb or flat to it sometimes. Then I feel guilty like I'm not trying hard enough.

I know it's difficult. I keep reading posts that the love will never be the same. Really, all I want is to feel the fulfillment of being with someone full of such "goodness" again. I'm grieving the loss of that, because I'm not hopeful that feeling will return. It's so sad.


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 697 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
KatyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41245
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just chiming in here with similar sad feelings. For me my h was a serial flirter - boundary pusher, and with EA he finally admitted it was wrong. However the road has been full of bumps. I read somewhere it takes a while for them - for they will be having this debate in their head about whether to choose the good path or the bad one. For me I do get worse when I have time to think about it, and when I get triggered by a similar situation. I mean, we surely don't want this to happen to us *again* so maybe it's a way of keeping us safe. I also wonder, what do we do with *our* pain - the WS can just go on with their lives, and in my H's case, start pushing those boundaries again - and how will I ever know whether I can trust him? I feel like there should be some kind of accountability piece. Perhaps MC would help to work through the issues. Although I have to say our counselor also got the wool pulled over her eyes about h - who can be very charming, so sometimes it doesn't work.

I guess in your case caniheal, it would be - what caused this in the first place - has that problem been addressed within himself? Does he express remorse? Does he get how it hurts you? All those things would help you feel better, and then it is up to you to see from that whether you feel you can give him that second chance. I would suggest expressing your feelings, so he can respond.


Married 7 years, together for 14
Me: BS Him: chronic boundary issues, EA for 2 years, DD Spring 2013

Posts: 194 | Registered: Nov 2013
caniheal
♀ New Member
Member # 41532
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much to everyone! Everyone seems to have such insightful advice and I appreciate it so much.

As I keep reading through this site, things start to process and sink in. I am trying to find myself again....I live mostly for my kids and family and I'm finding time for myself now.

My husband is doing everything right and he's working hard with his IC and with our MC. He is clearly torn up and remorseful with his actions and at times I feel like we can make, but other times I doubt that it will ever be enough.

I'll keep reading and posting here and hopefully time and work on both our ends will guide us through this mess.


BS (me) 40
WH (him) 40
Together 18 years, M 17 years
2 children (elementary school age)
DDay Oct 12 2013
1 mth EA and met up for 2 nights for PA...broke it off immediately, said he realized it didn't fix what he though it would.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Dec 2013
reallysad2012
♀ Member
Member # 37658
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When he's with me I feel loved, cherished and I know that he feels grateful for a second chance. When he's gone to work I feel empty at times. This is when I think "how could he", "who is this man", "what the hell happened?"

I am 15 months out and this still happens to me but it is not nearly as bad as it was a year ago. It does get better. Those first few months I would stay up way too late (he works nights) and let my thoughts run wild. I searched the house for things that might help me remember what life was like for me during his A (it was in 2001 but he didn't confess until 2012). It was bad. Now, I have a plan when he works. I pick out an uplifting movie (Secondhand Lions is great) and settle down to relax. I plan out what I will do while he is gone and I make sure I get to bed at a fairly decent hour (midnight instead of 3am).

I do love him very much and I want to be happy, however, I feel that this has tainted us and I'm not sure if I will always feel this way.

Try not to put pressure on yourself. This is much easier said than done but it will help you if you can do it. It is okay and totally normal to feel doubtful but try not to worry that you will always feel that way.

Acceptance and forgiveness get a lot of discussion here and were my main goals for 15 months. Yesterday I decided I don't need either of those to be happy with my fWH. I am choosing to stay because there are many good reasons to stay. I will never be okay with what he did. I have not reached acceptance and I am not sure forgiveness will come but I am not worried about either of them anymore. I think they may show up in time, but right now....I am okay without them.

I hope that doesn't sound awful to you because it isn't awful. I am doing well and we are in a better place than we were pre-Dday. We are working together for a better marriage, better partnership. I am working on me and I know I could be fine without him. He is almost a model remorseful WH. All of these things are reasons to stay. Leaving doesn't make the infidelity go away but it does make me lose everything else.

(((caniheal))) Yes. You can and you will heal. You will be fine.


me BS
him WH
his A was in 2001, DDay confession 9/5/2012

Posts: 102 | Registered: Nov 2012
Topic Posts: 10

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