Yikes and yuck! I feel very tearful and can't concentrate at work. Trying to hold it together because I don't want to dump on MY colleagues lol. He was always one to have female friends, some of which I am okay with, but he doesn't seem to know the boundaries, and then it's like he's found this loophole by having a colleague with whom he's developing a friendship. I know she's married, but these days that means squat apparently.
What should I say to him, and how do I frame this?
H had an EA for 2 years, I discovered it online, serial flirtations
DD Spring 2013
There have been some blips and it was a work in progress. My FWH is one of those who is friends with everyone. People love him. (I see this shocks no one).
No personal conversations with female coworkers.
No joking via text with female coworkers
No one on one time with other women (lunches, etc)
The LAST THING your spouse should be doing right now is forming a new friendship. At the very least, all his effort and energy should be focused on you regardless of the "opposite sex" rule.
Your WS's reaction was wrong. He shouldn't be getting angry at your hesitation. He should be giving you reassurance.
I know she's married, but these days that means squat apparently.
^^^Like many others, my WH had an affair with a MOW w/children. You're right, it means squat!
He emphasized he was with a colleague
^^^Like many others, my WH had an affair with a colleague...means squat
I said I felt like he was lying, at which he got angry
^^^Angry? REALLY? That's not remorseful.
he doesn't seem to know the boundaries
^^^Don't let him off so easily. He does know the boundaries he just does not want to follow them.
What should I say to him, and how do I frame this?
-Establish ground rules.
-Discuss rules and come to an agreement but DO NOT settle.
-Have him read: How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair.
(and any other material he can find to guide him down the path of TRUE R)
-Let him know that you have no tolerance for his anger when it comes to his infidelity and your lack of trust in him.
OR you could do what I did on Dday:
Set the rules and let him know that if he did not like it he could get the *bleeep* out.
^^^I never wavered...ever. I have spent the past 3+ years with a model WH who has dedicated every day to making it right. He absolutely understood that I would not tolerate anything less.
[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 4:52 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
And since he's a wayward - double no way!!
[This message edited by bionicgal at 4:58 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]
I edit, therefore I am.
Like everyone else, we have a strict no friends of the opposite sex. He needs to respect your boundaries. Getting angry is a red flag for me.
My WH's AP was also married with kids, a work colleague, and a "friend" he shared things with. When I voiced my concern for this friendship he got angry. Blame shifting to get the attention off of him. Classic tactic. Actually got angry at me for calling him out when I found him in another city (her city) on the other side of the country (thanks find your IPad app). Said he did it to protect me because he knew it would upset me and didn't want to cause me grief. Whatever, he slept with her for the second time on that trip. But there I was apologizing to him.
I used to be ok with female friends. Now, not going to happen. At all.
I'm lonely I have no friends (my suggestion: group settings?)
I've always only or "mainly" had female friends (me: you can't form good boundaries)
(He takes care of his mum also) the stress is driving me crazy I need an outlet. (Me: Get a healthy outlet)
You should trust me (Me: demonstrate trustworthiness)
How do I counter that stuff? Are my suggestions on the right track?
If he has no male friends; why? He needs to address that. There is likely a reason (ie, he devotes more time to being friends with women because he likes the ego stroking he gets from it). If he needs to talk to someone, he should talk to you! Duh. You are his life partner, you can fill up all kinds of needs. Or, get an IC. He needs to learn to self soothe, instead of using all these crutches.
If he hasn't read Not Just Friends, he needs to. I find it very helpful in understanding and evaluating boundaries. SO MANY affairs start from friendships. We have to really watch ourselves. (Now I'm all "you better check yo'self before you wreck yo'self!)
By virtue of sharing a workplace, having experiences to bond over that have nothing to do with you and being alone with them, he is playing with fire.
For the sake of argument, let's say that his intentions are good. I argue that good intentions are not enough! By allowing circumstances to exist that make it easy to start crossing boundaries it will be so easy for innocent things to become not innocent. That slow accumulation of circumstance in sharing work, experiences, points of view, it lets the walls and windows be rearranged before you even really notice it. Your husband is already a wayward and has demonstrated habits of bad boundaries and crossing lines. He needs to embrace the idea of controlling his environment so he never gets the chance to have temptation override cognition.
I said he was breaking his promise not to cultivate one-on-one friendships with women, regardless of whether they were colleagues or not. Also that it was a similar set up to the situations where he had strayed or been inappropriate before. I kept calm and didn't yell - my voice is too precious to me to risk. By the end he said he understood why I would feel the way I did. Also I pointed out that he had talked about the situation with this colleague, and felt better about it, but he didn't bother to check in on me - which was a problem. He said he would think about it then got mad when I said "you do that. good night" and started to head upstairs. I guess that sounded a bit snide - but I held onto my dignity for most of it. What a horrible night.
This sounds so familiar. It did not end well.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
I'm so glad to have this site for support - and for others to help me sort this out. I especially like hearing people describe how they see things - because I have a hard time articulating my own boundaries and standing up for myself. But somewhere inside me I can find my instincts and then try to live according to them.