I am so terribly sorry.
What an awful situation. What terrible choices you face.
I wouldn't dare give you advice about what to do about outing him to his BW. It is such a hard decision to make.
Those of us who found out after many years of M sometimes wish we never did find out. I can understand your reluctance to tell her and perhaps shatter her life as yours has been shattered.
So terribly awful and difficult.
For the BSs, multiple affairs over many years are soul destroying.
However, there is one other consideration which I don't think anyone has mentioned. I hope you keep it in mind. There is no need to act now but perhaps in the future you may consider outing him to the family.
To put it bluntly, your WW would obviously let anyone have her. I say this because of her A with your brother.
More than 20 years ago my sister told me that FWH had tried to get her into bed. When she refused he laughed it off as a joke. When she told me I was appalled, confronted him and he gaslighted like crazy. It took me 20 years to find out he had been screwing around for most of our M. (Not her thank God)
I strongly suspect that your WW is NOT your brother's first A partner. In my book if they are arrogant enough to try to seduce a sibling's partner they will screw anyone and probably have. (as you know from your WW's history).
Therefore, your brother has also probably had a number of A partners. His wife may already have had a dday at some time in the past. You really can never be sure. Many people (like yourself) decide not to tell family for any number of reasons. Perhaps you could find an opportunity to chat with her alone one day. Slip in a comment like "At least you have never had to worry about BROTHER". Watch her face. Watch her reactions. Listen carefully to her response. You seem tuned into people. I think you will know if she has had her own dday.
In my case I haven't told any of FWH's family except his brother's wife who I am very close to. When I told her I swore her to secrecy. Sadly she told me that she had already heard many rumours but hadn't said anything because she had no proof. (She and FWH both work in the same industry). I am still very close to her and don't blame her for her silence, but often think "What if....?"
Alternatively, your brother's BW may have no idea. I don't want to make you feel guilty but your brother may be exposing her to all manner of diseases through his philandering.
These are just things to consider.
I would never presume to tell you what to do. This early after dday it is all most of us can do to get out of bed each day and face the world. Making serious decisions like this is often beyond us.
Do what you need to do for you to survive now. Down the track this question will continue to worry you and it is important for you to see all possibilities.
BIG HUGS honey
--How long ago does your WW say/claim she had this affair with your brother?
--Was this "affair" a long-term-affair...Or was it a one-night-stand?
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
I have not told my family, since we are attempting R, but many of my friends know. I agree that the STD issue is one that is paramount.
[This message edited by doggiediva at 1:51 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]
[This message edited by BrighterFuture at 3:00 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]
"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.
know my brother did the deed because I saw him two times before I found out about him and both times he never said a word to me when I was talking to him and his wife about the problems
Your cheating wife told you this. Is it possible that it's another of her lies? One designed to not only really hurt you, but also to create a shitstorm that takes her out of the hot seat?
I think it'd be very wise to find out before telling the family.
As an aside, you're describing your wife--who had an affair in ADDITION to the alleged one with your brother--as "getting carried away."
No. ESPECIALLY if she had an affair with your brother, she did NOT "get caught up" in things. She CHOSE them. She is every bit as culpable as the men with whom she chose to have sex. Your brother is neither better nor worse than her, if she is telling the truth about him rather than attempting to deflect attention from herself.
My point is that you have a VERY mixed-up wife, and while, YES, if it's true that she had an A with your brother, the truth should be shared (because no BS should be in the dark, and really, if your wife has had more than one A, your SIL is at pretty high risk of contracting something--and should know to ask for testing), if she's yanking your chain to cause you more pain...well. I'd want to be as sure as I could be before confronting and/or outing the A.
Are you sure you want to R with her?
As for how to divorce a brother, it's not as hard as you might think. However, be prepared to be estranged from the rest of your family, because sides will be taken, and unless you divorce, your wife will make it VERY hard to align with you.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life in an Us v. Them scenario? Is your wife capable of being part of your team in a way that is not emotionally dangerous to you?
(Or is she spewing shit to throw you off your game because she's one sick cookie, who needs considerable IC before you even begin to consider whether R is even a possibility?)
In your shoes, I'd breathe. I'd tell myself I was married to a liar, and that her word cannot be trusted. And I would do a LOT of investigation before making a decision about whether this "information" holds any truth.
Because failing to discuss your wife's infidelity is NOT evidence of having an A with her. Many people are very uncomfortable with the topic. You have no idea, at this point, why your brother was. Maybe he's a BS. You don't know, because you are choosing to believe the word of a woman you know to be a liar. A woman who has motive for creating a storm. A woman who has knowingly injured you before, and may have no compunction about doing so again, if it makes her life easier, somehow.
Do some investigation. If the concern persists, ask your brother. Alone.
Then, consider telling his wife and family. IF it is true.
[This message edited by solus sto at 7:56 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]
As far as a post I saw in this thread talking about easing your own pain by telling. Iíve never seen this before. Your pain is your pain. The only thing that would take it away is changing the past. You donít tell to relieve the pain. You tell because itís the truth, and the other BS should know the truth. Donít question that the other person may not want to know. Thatís honestly just making excuses because you donít want to. Was I destroyed by my Hís A? Yes. Would I want to be kept in the dark about it? No way in hell. No one says theyíd rather not know. As painful as it is, people still want the truth.
So if youíre wondering if you should tell her, just reverse the situation. What would you want her to do if she were the one to discover the A? Would you want her to keep quiet, let you continue to live with your WW as if you had the picture perfect marriage, let you continue to live the lie that is your marriage? Or would you want to know the truth about your life?
Iíve yet to see anyone say ďIíll take not knowingĒ. Iím sure such a person exists, but clearly in very small numbers.
Iím sorry this has happened to you. You arenít the first person that has had a family member betray them, unfortunately. Itís hard to imagine the level of hurt that would bring. Again, Iím very sorry for you.
just want to say that i realize that my fence sitting on the subject of outing the cheating SOB is Extremely Unpopular here, and that by putting my feelings/thoughts out there on this subject, I am in real danger of alienating folks here. ((I am TRULY sorry to those i might offend, really!!)) But one generous poster said, for example, "that bastard should be exposed and not spared any consequences for his actions." I totally get that. But here's the thing with Infidelity. "That bastard" faces consequences, and so do other innocents. Oh if only we could isolate the consequences to the cheating person, then it would be easy!!!! Another reason cheating/affairs are SO destructive.
Here's a scenario. Your sister in law. The wife of your SOB brother. You tell her. She falls apart, goes into a deep, deep depression. Then (heaven forbid) she comes down with an illness and later, while sick, she tells you, oh, work, i know you were trying to do the right thing but I wish you wouldn't have told me about my husband, i could have died a happy woman.
Far fetched? Maybe. Possible? Yes. Or some other variant.
I really wanted to tell OBS earlier, like really, really, but I KNEW my motives were not pure. I convinced myself that i was going to do it because i wanted him to have the truth; but my truth was more that i wanted revenge and was using the truth as an excuse to get around the revenge. Because revenge is never a good idea. Tempting, human, and feeling it absolutely normal, but we all know it's bad. An idea: Google Revenge is not Good. See what comes up. It helped me bring more compassion into my heart and slowly dissipated some of my anger.
Loved the trip around world idea. Loved investigation encouragement. Loved ONS or LTA question and STD consideration. Loved gently talking with his wife to see if you can suss stuff out. Do not love the blanket "you MUST tell the BS is every and all situations." ((Sorry everyone who disagrees!)) Every situation is different, so everyone has to do what is feels right for their situation.
I only say this because I was very influenced by the Out BS under all circumstances, until I realized that this is not (yet) the route I personally think is best in my situation. I reserve the right to change my mind!
PS I actually DO know someone, a dear friend who tells me uncategorically she would NOT want to know, saying "Why would I want to be absolutely devastated when I'm blissfully happy?" Her marriage is good (affairs happen in "good" marriages too.) Her choice. I can understand it, I really can. Not everyone wants to know; it's a heavy burden to carry to decide what to do with the information you have but don't want. Hugs to all of us!
[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 3:56 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]
Everyone on here has had a devastating circumstance slam then in the gut, ouch and for me double ouch. My problems are insignificant compared to some on here but have pushed me way down none the less. Have made great strides in my healing but every once in a while I have a trigger happen and I'm right back where I started a complete and total crying mess. But the more time has pasted between D Day and now the less it happens.
Hugs and Kisses to everyone who contributed to this tread, it has been a God sent and clarified/focused my options going forward. Will do the right thing for me and my family regardless of what happens to my POS brother.
Strength and Power to all Sisters and Brothers on this blessed site!
Sending lots of healing thoughts your way!
Gentlemen (and I mean that) I have found this thread very interesting.
You have raised an issue which has come to concern me more and more lately.
People come to this site for advice and guidance. But as is so often pointed out, you need to take what works for you and leave the rest.
I have no problem with people disagreeing with me. I often disagree with others. I think that is healthy. I welcome a variety of viewpoints. I am interested to read opposing points of view. Every word written is food for thought. Including those I disagree with. They invariably make me think.
What I do not like is when people continue to push their viewpoint when clearly the BS is considering options or may have chosen another course of action and be happy with it. We may suggest this is not a wise way to go but sometimes I find the tone of some "discussions" verging on bullying. Some people, however well intentioned - fail to recognise the one thing that every case of infidelity has in common with all others. EVERY CASE IS UNIQUE. Every person on this planet is unique, as are their partnerships and life experiences.
Of course there are standard practices which are applicable to most situations. Not following them may lead to disaster and I'm sure that is what motivates those who are so vehement about particular courses of action. We fear seeing the BS hurt more. We want the best for them. But there are times when people need to stop pushing.
So ...TheAgonyOfIt... I cannot understand how anyone could be offended by your posts. Your tone is always respectful and compassionate. I personally don't agree with your stance but would never condemn you for it. I don't care if I read your position on many different threads on the site. What WOULD bother me is if I was watching you constantly nagging or even bullying other members into accepting your approach. I have seen no evidence of this so I can't see a problem.
i realize that my fence sitting on the subject of outing the cheating SOB is Extremely Unpopular here, and that by putting my feelings/thoughts out there on this subject, I am in real danger of alienating folks here.
I don't feel this way at all. Just because I don't agree with you doesn't mean you shouldn't have the right to express your position.. In fact when I read it again tonight I thought about it. Considered the ramifications. I still don't agree with you but I like that you make me think.
SO.... I seem to have lost my train of thought.
Ah yes. Your "possible" scenario. I know of a real life case where a BS outed the OP to the OP's partner. Sadly, the other BS committed suicide. Clearly there were much deeper issues here. Including a long history of depression and previous suicide attempts. So what would WE do in this situation, if we knew the BS's psychiatric history?............ I suppose I am simply saying that it is important to recognise that one size does NOT fit all.
HUGS to everyone