You fell in love with your BH, right? Well, what happened? Life, that's what. It's easy to think you're in luuurve with AP when you don't have to watch him pluck his nose hairs. In infidelity fantasy-land you see only the bright, shiny bits of the AP, not the common, faded ones.
If you fell in love with AP (OM generally means "the man my wife was fucking", then why aren't you with him? If your BH is second-string, do yourselves both a favor and leave your BH and live the life of your dreams with AP. Love conquers all, right?
Just something to consider.
I dated my AP prior to marrying XH. I loved him very much. But once I had an affair with him, years later, it was no longer anything resembling love. I was hurting people deeply and behaving immorally. Where does REAL love fit into that?
The "brokenness" that's referred to in people who cheat isn't about the feelings for the OP. It's about the whole mindset necessary to decide that adultery is a viable option. It's about the mindset needed to develop and act on those feelings for someone other than your spouse.
So, to echo a previous poster, THAT is the much more important task at hand---not to analyze whether you could have loved the OP, but rather WHY and HOW that's even a question.
Married 2.5 years
Reconciling after divorce
Knowing the details doesn't always make you feel satisfied. In my case, it just made me want to burn a perfectly good couch!
But sometimes I ask myself, why isn't it possible that I simply fell in love with OM? Isn't it possible?
Sure it is possible. However I would point to the fact that you must have fallen in love with your husband at some point too. The more possible answer is that you fell in what you call love with the OM, and that you need to really look at your definition of love.
How does one fall out of love with one and then fall into love with another? The simple answer to that is the definition of love. I believe your definition is what someone "makes" you feel. In the daily grind of life you missed that feeling special and the OM gave it to you, because he didn't have to see you in the mornings feeling like griping. Didn't see you when you were sick and had snot running out of your nose. Didn't hear your bitching about work. All of these things can be attributed to me as well, this is not a hit at you.
The fact is that you had a fantasy love affair with this man and not the daily failings of all of us at one point or the other.
I believe you are feeling in love with love. The kind of love we see in the movies where at the end you think about what happens when a day turns into a dozen years. When the newness wears off.
Love is a choice. It is not the chemical reaction we all have when we meet someone with whom we are in lust. Those chemicals wear off and we are left with life.
My parents never taught me about love or the meaning of love. I had to find out in my own way and have failed miserably until it became apparent that I knew nothing about love. This after two failed marriages, working on my third.
Does that sound like what you had with OM?
Like you, I had a certain way of placing the OM up on a pedestal. Because somehow I was worth more if this guy who kept me at arm's length (and knew I was married) would only love me.
Looking back, OM represented all the dissatisfaction I had with dating (or not) growing up.
No, I don't think this was real love. It was a one-sided fantasy to fill a hole in us.
I love my daughter and my son, however that is not the kind of love I am talking about here. In that respect, yes I can love more than one person. My wife would not feel loved by me if I had an affair partner in an active relationship. I could feel many things about my wife in that situation, but love would not be one of them if I were honest. When you love someone, you put their needs first and your own second, IMHO or else it is something other than love.
I have a question for Ruinedeverything. When you were in love with both people, did the know of each other? Were they happy and considered themselves to be loved by you? If you went behind your spouses/boyfriends back, how do you feel that was loving him? I really am interested in your definition of love. My understanding of love has changed a great deal since my betrayal and abuse of my wife. I believe most on here feel the same way I do about love. No demand that you accept that, thus the reason I am asking with sincerity about your ability to love two people.
I have had several loves in my life. But they didn't overlap. I remember after going through a bad breakup and meeting someone new. There were instant sparks but I couldn't move forward because I still had a love for the previous person. I told her that I could not give her my full heart at that time. Love means giving your heart to one person at a time.
And on that note, I think there is a certain amount of choice when it comes to love. I loved exWW. Despite her A, my first choice was still to be with her.But when there was no remorse I could not continue in the relationship. I still loved her but that love needed to be reciprocated.
There are many women that I find attractive; even very sexually alluring. But I don't love them. I can't love just anybody. I have to get to know them. And I can't just pick and choose who I love. It just happens. I have loved people who did not share the same level of feelings. I might fall in love with one twin and not the other. Love is more than physical attraction. It is more than just having things in common or being able to open up to that person.
I absolutely love my SO. There are many reasons I could list. But love means she is the first person I think of in the morning and the last person I think of at night. I know her good points and all of her bad ones. When she is hurting it affects me. Her affirmation and compliments mean more that those from anyone else. Another key point is that I do not have to hide our relationship. Everyone knows we are a couple. I am happy and proud to be seen with her and to call her my SO.
Could I love someone else right now? Not while I am with my SO. It is my choice to guard my eyes and heart. It belongs to only one person right now. She knows me better than anyone else. We see each other each day all day. In good and bad times. Morning breath, during barf episodes when sick, and also in special intimate moments.
I could see how someone could "love" two people at the same time. But it can be easy to love someone when they are at their best. What happens after 3 months, 6 months? Have you seen that person at their worst? Has that person seen YOU at your worst? Love is more than a feeling. feelings come and go and can fluctuate throughout the day. My SO pisses the crap out of me sometimes. But at the end of the day I still choose her.
So, perhaps a better question would be, if you "fell in love" with OM, is that in any way meaningful? I think Hollywood has ruined us on the idea of love, because we all think it is the juiced up feeling of chemistry we get at the beginning of a relationship. Well, I have felt that, and it is great fun, but it is nothing like the love I feel 20+ years later, in sickness and in health, for better and for worse, and struggling to set things right after infidelity. I love my H like a grizzly bear, ferociously, protectively, and thoroughly, despite his mistakes. There is no comparison to the cotton candy, hormonal fireworks of falling in love. It was grand, but I'll take this love any day.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 5:30 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/then PA
In MC & Reconciling
I edit, therefore I am.
Now, on to figuring out, why it is that I have this void and learn how to fill it up myself . Thank you Nevergivenup for sharing that Hebrew expression, it struck a chord with me too!
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot