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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Broken NC?
KatieG
♀ Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WBF searched for her on FB last week and there was another google search he did on her home town.

We have been moving forward and things have been good. When I asked him about the searches he said that when I talk about the A and OW it reminds him of her and he searched out of curiosity. He said he doesn't want to think about her in the same way I don't - but can't help it.

I liked his reason, it seemed honest. He says he is committed to R. Should I believe him? I wanted to contact OW and ask her if its still on but I know she would just lie to me.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 428 | Registered: Nov 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not like this Katie G. Ok, its honest but....NC as others will point out means not just speaking, texting, etc., but even, thinking about the AP. Thinking enough about her to do a google search. And is he saying he is doing it bc.....

he said that when I talk about the A and OW it reminds him of her and he searched out of curiosity. He said he doesn't want to think about her in the same way I don't - but can't help it.

so, is it basically on you that he does this? Bc you talk about the A?

This is all very fresh I know. Please let him know that you want him to read that book, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal..."


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO it's broken NC.

This from the guy who claims he could go away and keep things professional?

And he is blaming YOU for bringing up the A that makes him look for her.

Bullshit.

He is lying, at the very least, to himself.

Your WS doesn't get it, not in the least.

I am sorry.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 7:20 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
unfound
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he said that when I talk about the A and OW it reminds him of her and he searched out of curiosity.

When you talk about the A and OW it should remind him of the hurt he caused YOU, not curiosity of the OW.

Round about honesty (ie, when you have to ask or find out something like this on your own) is not honesty. It's keeping something from you until you find out, THEN being honest about it.

Whether you consider it broken NC, or poor boundaries, or sneaking peeks at OW and wanting to see what she's up to, it's not R focused.

Are YOU okay with him looking her up?


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14838 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Katie,

I'm a bit confused by your reasoning:

I liked his reason, it seemed honest...

In my opinion...your WBF is BLAMING YOU for his searching for OW on FB and GOOGLE:

When I asked him about the searches he said that when I talk about the A and OW it reminds him of her and he searched out of curiosity
.

SO - according to your WBF..it's your fault he searching for OW on the internet - BECAUSE you bring her up, huh?

Then your WBF says "he can't help it?" He can't control himself? He can't stop himself from searching for OW on the computer?
REALLY?

NO - I don't think you should believe this man.
I certainly wouldn't.
He's blaming you...and he's saying he's powerless to stop thinking about and searching for OW on the internet.
So many RED FLAGS HERE!

I'm sincerely sorry...but this doesn't sound like true Reconciliation to me.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6114 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
KatieG
♀ Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes huge red flags and I told him that. But isn't it natural that the WS would at least think about the OP? I have asked him several times if he has thought about her or misses her and he says no, I would rather he was human and said yes.

Maybe its baby steps here, yes he got caught and told me his reason. Whereas he should tell me he wants to look her up before the fact.

I need to believe here and I get a lot of push back on trying to stay positive about this. Why would he say he has chosen me and doesn't want her if he could just leave anyway?


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 428 | Registered: Nov 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stand corrected. As per what unfound said...it wasn't honest if you had to ask him about the search. He didn't just come to you and say, "hey listen Katie, I have to talk to you about something..."

The thing about calling her too...gives her too much power. The issue here is between the two of you. And you need him to own this, man up, stand by you. No matter what she does, his actions need to scream, KatieG and right now, I am afraid they don't.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to stay positive Katie...but positive about what?

YOU. Your ability to see and face the truth, your strength, your beauty, your commitment.

Staying positive and hiding your head in the sand gets you back here in another few years.

Face the truth, he is telling you he thinks about her.

AFTER you caught him. He doesn't come to you and say hey...this is how I am feeling. He sneaks, looks her up, gets caught and confesses. ANd then blames you.

You have to know we want whats best for you. We want happiness and bliss in your future.

The only way you will get there is to spend time, lots and lots of time healing and digging through all the crap an A brings up.

You want to believe him, of course you do. But he is a liar and a cheater. He needs to do a lot of healing before restoring trust.

Take the advice you need here and leave the rest.

But also know...the advice given is some damn good collective wisdom of many of us that have BTDT.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

have asked him several times if he has thought about her or misses her and he says no,

...then I just don't get why he is google searching her home town.

I know you "need to believe" but that will come with his remorseful actions. Katie, I didn't believe one thing that came out of my H's mouth the first two months until I "turned down the volume" and watched. Watched him read books on infidelity, watched him call IC and make the first appointment and every one after that, saw him cry on our bed pleading with me to give him a chance. Even watched as he did some chores around the house he was always meaning to get to but never did. All of a sudden, all of those things he said he would do, he did.

Action by him is what will make you a believer.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AFTER you caught him. He doesn't come to you and say hey...this is how I am feeling. He sneaks, looks her up, gets caught and confesses. ANd then blames you.

Yea, Katie. There is NO way to put a *positive* spin on this. None.

IMO, he is trying to make you stop bringing up the A......kind of like a *punishment* for you. So guess what's gonna begin to happen? YOU are going to begin feeling anxiety and fear about bringing the A up, lest it "cause" him to go searching for her. It smells like pure manipulation to me.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7949 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
unfound
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But isn't it natural that the WS would at least think about the OP

Yes, that's natural. It's the context and the action after the thought that matter. If he thinks of her, it shoujld immediately bring to mind the damage he and she did to the M and to you. Not curiosity.

"I was thinking of the OW, and it made me curious as to what she's up to, so I looked her up on facebook"

vs

"I was thinking of the OW, and it made me realize how much I hurt you and never want to do that again, so I want you to know that I'm committed to you and only you"


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14838 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
KatieG
♀ Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking of txting the OW now and saying:

"Does APa know about APb?"

She is having an A with his work colleague and I don't think his work colleague knows about my WBF.

Any value in texting her? Obviously it will be from my cell and she will know its out of country. She will likely respond "who is this?"

Could be APa's BS or AFb's BS (i.e. me)

Is me contacting the OW broken NC?

[This message edited by KatieG at 9:06 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 428 | Registered: Nov 2013
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is me contacting the OW broken NC?

Yes.

WBF searched for her on FB last week and there was another google search he did on her home town.

The issue, now, lies entirely with WBF.

Leave OW out of this. Refocus your attention toward home!


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Topic Posts: 13

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