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User Topic: He betrayed me and lied.
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

movingforward, I know. I spent 2 years alone after the WS before I dated anyone. I know who I am. I am comfy with me. I like me.

I am not going to look right now. I am a mess. I don't want anyone else right now. It will probably be at least a year before I start opening up to that possibility again. I just meant next time, because I most probably WILL date again at some point, I need to keep doing better with my selections.

Also, as many on here know, my tastes and what I am looking for in a guy have evolved. I no longer am even slightly attracted to the "bad boys" that I used to date. I want a grown up that can have calm discussions. This guy never lost his temper with me, raised his voice, or called me names. That is an improvement for me.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:43 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15194 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fix yourself. You are broken
How? I just figured out about the lying. I had no clues during the relationship that he was lying. I knew he had issues but they weren't major at that point and no one IRL had big problems with them, including my family and bff who knows him fairly well now because we spent EVERY weekend together. Most people just said to keep my eyes open, and that is what I did, and how I found out about this.

because you haven't taken the time out for yourself to determine why you let them treat you this way.
I just figured this out. Before I found out about the lies, I was very happy. He was treating me very well (at least to my face and from what I could see. I didn't see what was going on behind the scenes, it took a while for that to show up!).

I am now in shock. I can't just turn off the love faucet and turn off all my feelings immediately. That would mean I was compartmentalizing or I had a personality disorder. I have no plans on staying with someone who treats me bad or disrespects me but I need a little time to work thru this...at least more than 24 hours!

Also, the people that have been on here for a while know my story. I have dated several others, including an XSO that I was madly head over heels for. I had a hard time detaching from him also, but I did. I NEVER stay with someone that treats me badly, and I am getting quicker at leaving once I find out. But again, 24 to 48 hours would be a record and I think pretty near impossible since I haven't even been able to come out of shock just yet.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:39 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15194 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NaiveAgain)))

From the outside, the decision is easy and clear.

Did you read cayc's thread about being conditioned to accept emotional abuse?

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=515415

We all know how hard it is to pull away from someone that you care about, but at some point you need to realize that the way he is treating you is not…good.

[This message edited by cmego at 8:06 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4113 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had no clues during the relationship that he was lying.

Didn't people on here warn you over the course of your relationship that there are red flags concerning his behavior/choices? In fact, haven't people done that with every relationship you've brought to this site? Yet, each time you dismiss what people say.

Fix yourself. You are broken

This is true. There is still a running theme to the men you pick. You need to be the caretaker...the fixer...the mother to these men. The only difference in this relationship and the others is that you went from immature, irresponsible grown men who are bad boys to an immature grossly younger man that you could mother. None of these men has been an equal in any way.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13726 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
lifestoshort
♀ Member
Member # 18442
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

run away. you dont need another bad ending. be strong. this time you have boundaries and will not be a doormat. stand up and walk away and feel good about it. no crying.


6/07 EX had several Emotional/sexual A
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09
2013- 10 month marriage &D to friend. he was a lyin, freeloadn biploar mess.
NOW? Living my life and loving it.


Posts: 691 | Registered: Mar 2008
Dawnie
♀ Member
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NA)))

Hang in there....


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 48)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 802 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NA)))

This is so much to deal with and at this time of year especially hard.

I remember you posting about him when you first started out, and how giddy you were about the age difference etc., but you went into it willing to roll with whatever the relationship delivered.

They say it takes about 18 months for the mask to come off. I'm starting to believe that is very true.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17341 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Spirit13
♀ Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to tell you I'm really sorry. I know it is so hard for you.


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just figured this out. Before I found out about the lies, I was very happy.

Really? Honestly?

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder a few weeks ago.

Lots of things not adding up.

Maybe when the shock wears off?

((NaiveAgain))


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't just turn off the love faucet and turn off all my feelings immediately. That would mean I was compartmentalizing or I had a personality disorder.

Or...it could mean you've finally seen the light.

For the record as you know, I've never been a fan of this guy or this relationship.

He constantly shows you who he is and instead you turn your head to the glitter ball.


AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21041 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((NA))

just take care of you right now. take some time to sort it all out in your head. I kind of agree with AJs mom.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8439 | Registered: Apr 2008
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((NA))

I'm sorry your are going through this. I don't respond to a lot of posts anymore, but still read daily. I have read many of yours about this guy and there were lots of flags waving - maybe not all bright red, but definitely some cautionary yellows.

It can be so hard to see those flags in our own personal situations, when they are so clear to others. I kinda had a feeling something was bound to happen sooner or later with this guy based on your past posts.

I hope you take the time to really think about whether or not this is someone you want to continue a relationship with. I think you are deserving of so much more.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2216 | Registered: Feb 2010
dontknowwhyme
♂ Member
Member # 21587
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NaiveAgain)))

I'm sorry to hear what has happened. I've been curious as to how this relationship was going to pan out. It seemed off to me for a while. Too many small things really is an indicator for so much more. I hate that you are hurting right now. I know you are a great person who deserves so much more than this. Be strong honey, I believe that if you really dig deep into this relationship and nit pick the past then the decision you make will ultimately be the correct one.

Myself, I really don't have any desire to wait around for someone to "fix" themselves so that we can build a good relationship. I want them "fixed" before they even offer themselves to me as an option.


BS 38
FWW 37 (fireandice)
Married 13 Years - Together 20
D-Day1:Jan 08 (EA OM#1)
D-Day2:8-15-08 (EA/PA OM#2)
DS12, DS9
D-Day3:11-3-10
Divorced 1-27-11
Remember, you don't drown from being thrown in the water. You drown from staying in it.

Posts: 996 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
dontknowwhyme
♂ Member
Member # 21587
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me know if you need to grab a coffee sometime. I think I'm a pretty good listener.


BS 38
FWW 37 (fireandice)
Married 13 Years - Together 20
D-Day1:Jan 08 (EA OM#1)
D-Day2:8-15-08 (EA/PA OM#2)
DS12, DS9
D-Day3:11-3-10
Divorced 1-27-11
Remember, you don't drown from being thrown in the water. You drown from staying in it.

Posts: 996 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
GingerBird
♀ Member
Member # 19097
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I think the most important thing to remember when someone abandons us, the people they are supposed to love, is that the problem resides with them, not us. People that are mentally healthy will stick around and work things out, take care of their responsibilities, and deal with problems. People that are emotionally immature, have personality disorders, or have other mental problems will run. "

I saw this in a post of yours. I used to think like this but I don't believe it's true anymore. The people who are mentally healthy will stick around and try and sort things out *before* they become boundary busting issues. They deal with problems, not deal with being found out when this person they are supposed to love catches them like a naughty school child.

I got my ideas about relationships from what I saw my parents doing, or not. They were never happy and never really tried to sort things out properly. I grew up with one requirement in relationships and that was to be with someone who would stick around and try and sort out problems. What I missed, was the point.... Relationships aren't supposed to be hard work all of the time. Working hard at them isn't what defines them. How they enhance your life should be the point. Without that belief deep down I've wasted 10 years on 2 completely f*&$ed up boyfriends.

This guy has totally blown your boundaries and trigger points out the water. He lied about a SLUSHIE!!!!! I don't know the background to that one but WTF!!! If he'll lie about something like that there is a much bigger problem there, and you don't have to sacrifice years of your life *supporting* him in *apparently* trying to sort it out. He isn't your responsibility and you deserve better than to be disrespected like that.

You'll get support whatever you decide to do. Trust yourself. Take care of yourself right now - you know the drill there too xx

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-truth-about-porkies-are-you-comfortable-with-being-lied-to/

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/to-tell-the-truth-the-frustration-of-dealing-with-someone-who-lies-about-your-relationship-or-their-contribution/

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-telling-little-lies-can-end-up-mattering-in-a-big-way/


"True happiness does not come from experiencing pleasures of the body and ego—but from having experiences that stimulate your core self—your “soul”—challenging and inspiring you to grow into your highest potential as a person"

Posts: 836 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: UK
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you are deserving of so much more.

^^^This

NA, you have been so stressed throughout this relationship, maybe not all because of the relationship, but you're being depleted. Spend some of your valuable energy on yourself for a while, you deserve it.

While the standard SI wisdom is to take your time before making any rash decisions, it is really difficult for me to recommend that with such a short relationship. Relationships take work, but at this stage in your relationship it should still be relatively easy. It takes 3-5 years to rebound from something like this and you only have 11 months of ups and downs to sustain you.


Posts: 3344 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
gardenparty
Member
Member # 12050
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I admire you actually. I love the fact that you are willing to put yourself out there and face all the challenges that loving somebody can bring. I don't believe that any of us ever truly knows another person after a couple of years, after a lifetime together maybe. You will no doubt feel the pain for a while but at least you are willing to feel.


divorced!

Posts: 2665 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: newfoundland
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the caring advice and hugs. DKWM, thanks for your offer! I may give you a call at some point....

Spend some of your valuable energy on yourself for a while, you deserve it.
This is probably the most important thing I need right now.

I admire you actually. I love the fact that you are willing to put yourself out there and face all the challenges that loving somebody can bring. I don't believe that any of us ever truly knows another person after a couple of years, after a lifetime together maybe. You will no doubt feel the pain for a while but at least you are willing to feel.
Thank you. That was a lovely thing to say and it means a lot.

I just figured this out. Before I found out about the lies, I was very happy.

Really? Honestly?
I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder a few weeks ago.
Lots of things not adding up.

Maybe when the shock wears off?

Yeah, we actually talked about that this evening! We did sit down and have a heart to heart. I have had so many questions (you know, all the standard ones that we need to ask) and he has finally gotten real with me (I know, because I don't like a lot of his answers and they hurt, but they finally ring true for a change.) And I told him that actually, this relationship had been making me sick for a while. I told him that things were great when he was here, but when he left, my gut would act up. I was uncomfortable when he was away from me. I would feel abandoned, and not connected to him. That isn't normal.

And I found out that he had been compartmentalizing. When he is with me, he is with me completely. But when he left, his need for some type of positive affirmations somewhere led him into some bad situations (no PA, but 2 of what I would consider EAs, short lived, 2 to 4 days each, but betrayal anyway because they were kept hidden.) So yes, apparently my gut was talking to me again and I ignored.

You need to be the caretaker...the fixer.
Yeah, and seriously I am kind of tired of it. One of the reasons I DID like this one is because he spent a lot of time taking care of me also and listening to my problems and being supportive.
He is reading on here and learning. He went thru the library and is working thru all the WS FAQs, writing his answers and getting some good insight. I did let him tell me what he has learned so far. I can't help it, we were best friends first and that kind of kicked in because we both worked on our issues together a bit. Plus I did want to hear what he has to say. I am happy he is getting some help, because no matter what I decide, it will put him on a healthier path.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 8:46 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15194 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I admire you actually. I love the fact that you are willing to put yourself out there and face all the challenges that loving somebody can bring. I don't believe that any of us ever truly knows another person after a couple of years, after a lifetime together maybe. You will no doubt feel the pain for a while but at least you are willing to feel.

I also think you show a lot of courage to be in a relationship at all, you've had horrible examples of relationships in the past but you haven't given up in general, though maybe on this particular one.

I'm sorry for the shock. There's no need to take action until you are good and ready.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5798 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's no need to take action until you are good and ready.
Thank you. I need reminding of this. I'm already in shock. I just can't make any huge decision right now.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15194 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
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