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User Topic: I hit him and I am not sorry
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The reason your WH acted like nothing happened was because of shame, guilt, societal conditioning, and embarrassment. It's shameful that there is a mindset that thinks it's more OK to hit a man. I've been on the receiving end and I can tell you that its unacceptable PERIOD.

I can think of a ton of reasons to pummel my STBXWW. But I just don't do it. That's not who I am or want to be. And in the moments where I felt like it was a possibility I left the house and calmed myself down. She doesn't deserve that from me or anyone else. She however doesn't seem to mind throwing things or hitting me when she gets mad. Over the years I've lost a lot of respect for her and her A was just the icing on the shit cake I allowed myself to be fed.

Even though your WH had the A, be prepared for some deep seated resentment and anger towards you for hitting him. The A and the hitting are two separate things. If you want him to feel safe enough to talk to you about the details of what happened during the A, he needs to know that he can do that without risking his physical and emotional safety. I'm sure throwing things in the past set him up to think you aren't a safe person to talk to a while ago. Throwing things is also a form of abuse towards the other person involved. It only escalates from there. If you are trying to R then you'll have many other talks and moments where you'll be angry and feel justified in doing him harm. You really need to get a hold on it and take back some control of your emotions.

I suggest really looking into why you have to manifest your anger physically through IC.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
mychild
♀ Member
Member # 40186
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

U would not have hit him if he had not f'd around. As far as male female, tired of the but if a man hits a woman...

Men have gotten away with beating women forever and still get away with it and murder in other cultures. Men are larger and stronger and more violent, testosterone. So yes for them it should always be hands off. Deal with the physical differences. Men can and do kill with one punch. Women, not so much. Oh, u got a bruise? Sorry u ruined our relationship. You got a bruise and I got a broken heart. I think we'd all take the bruise instead. I told H, I wish he would have hit me instead, a broken heart, for me is forever.

If a woman uses a weapon then maybe I will listen. Otherwise I'm still in the he's lucky that's all she did.

But no more confessions on here about that , too many self righteous here who like the truth only how they can spin it.

Take care and work out. Best revenge is self care.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2013
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Men are larger and stronger and more violent, testosterone. So yes for them it should always be hands off. Deal with the physical differences. Men can and do kill with one punch. Women, not so much.

Wow mychild, very uninformed and sexist comment there. I'm sorry you may have had some horrific experiences with some shitty men. FYI - a woman is just as capable of killing a man with one punch as a man is capable of killing a woman with one punch. Physics doesn't discriminate, you shouldn't either.

ETA: Its people with your type of mindset about men that perpetuate a lot of the misinformation out there about domestic violence. I hope you get the IC you need to work through those issues as well.

[This message edited by RyeBread at 12:21 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And here we go, it was only a matter of time before someone was called "self-righteous" for saying it's not o.k. for women to hit men.

Edited to remove Gif of dude eating popcorn. Don't want to add anymore fuel to the fire.

But for reference..there was a dude eating popcorn gif on here.--mildly obnoxious.

[This message edited by SuperDuperWonderboy at 12:28 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
mychild
♀ Member
Member # 40186
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love to hear the proof of women killing a man with one punch. I believe in truth not making u or me or pop corn eater feel better with lies. U don't need school to better educate yourself. And I don't need to be hit to know the truth.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2013
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 12:24 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mychild...

You are certainly entitled to your opinion, but your generalizations and cut downs to others demonstrate a very disrespectful attitude.

Please be more polite when expressing your views and keep the generalizations out of it.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197051 | Registered: May 2002
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, not to partake of WB's popcorn, but I think if the person you are with brings uncontrollable rage to you, then you should reconsider who you are with. And keep your hands to yourself.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6353 | Registered: Jan 2011
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not going to take the bait mychild.

Best of luck to you in life.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand feeling nothing, being so numb that all feelings are shut down. Acting out in response to pain is also understandable but violence is never a solution (unless in self defence). Common mantra here is that we are responsible for our actions, the only person we can control is ourselves. Don't let your WH A define and control you, don't become one of those who resort to striking out - that shit will start to eat you alive as you lose respect for yourself.


Also -t/j in response to mychild- I am female with no martial arts training and I could do serious physical damage if I wanted to, no weapon needed. It is offensive to claim that females are 'soft and fluffy and incapable of inflicting more than a bruise' shit.


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This discussion seems to be fuelling some anger and for that I am sorry. Anger is a very real and human emotion and my recent action is an example.

I believe that anger has it's place. There are many injustices, cruelties and evils in the world to be angry about. And so we should be angry because apathy permits those things to continue.

But the place for anger is not here. This is a place that is safe for us to come and be heard. I am not saying that we should all agree, but we must recognize that we all come with our own histories and situations, fears and pain.

Our reactions to each other must be tempered by that. I do understand though, that it can be difficult to contain our emotions, as this is a very emotional time for all of us.

I am very grateful for this forum, and for all of you.

I wish us all peace.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 743 | Registered: Feb 2012
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FightingBack - I think it's okay. Not that what you did was okay, or it's okay for gals to hit guys, but okay to acknowledge that something you did was wrong, without justifications, but not feel anything about it.

Anger is a hard place to work through. I can be angry about something, still be rational enough to understand I am wrong, but that will just feed into the feeling. Holding onto the idea that it's wrong and not okay despite the feelings - or lack thereof - is the mark of reason. I'm sorry you're in a shitty place.

As for the whole Men vs Women argument, it's old and tired.

That stuff escalates. Women are not helpless. If someone is angry enough to physically attack another, it's a violation of their person. It's a short step to a weapon of some kind, whether it's a framed photograph or a steak knife. Accepting the visitation of violence on someone else for the sake of anger or retribution means allowing very dangerous emotions free reign.

As for the ability of women when it comes to inflicting violence, I'd rather not go down that road but if you're interested, look up Amanda "Powerhouse" Lucas. I am a Star Wars nerd but I used to be in MMA training, before I took a meme to the knee. Anyway, she is awesome in that "I will kill you in one punch" kind of way.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7419 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Jesu
♂ Member
Member # 36422
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a victim of domestic violence/abuse. My WSO has hit me, scratched me all over including my face-drawing blood, bit me. I've had bruises, scratches and bite marks all up and down my arms and torso. She's broken my things, thrown things and broken them on me. In our last big "episode" she bit my cheek, spat in my face (which is also considered assault), and thrown a lamp at me shattering the globe on my shoulder.

All because she had multiple As and I question her about it, want answers, and want her to show true remorse for what she has done. That last episode I described I was asking her to tell me she loved me and to give me a hug and a kiss because I was hurting as it was getting close to A season. What ticked her off was me saying "You could hug and kiss OM, but not me because I brought up the A???"

Violence is wrong. There is no justification for violence unless it is in self defence, or in the defence of others. I got into a few fights with guys when I was younger, usually in self defence...but I am not a violent man. IMO violence is the reaction of the insipidly stupid. Not only have I never hit a woman, I have never even thought of lifting a finger in anger towards my WSO...even after everything that she has put me through.

I am shocked and dismayed that there have been people in this thread supporting, glorifying and justifying the use of violence by a woman towards a man!


Me: BSO 39
Her: WSO 29
Together: 9 years
Married?: No
Children?: No
OM: A friend of a friend
DD#1: June 18th 2012
Many more DD after TT
PA#1: 1 week in Nov/Dec 2010, which led to a long distance EA
R: ?

Posts: 608 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Oz
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jesu-
Your post brought tears to my eyes. It's unacceptable and inexcusable for anyone, man or woman, to abuse their partner physically or otherwise.

I know that there have been passionately differing opinions on this thread, and it is not my intent to add to that. But, for FightingBack - me, too.

The night I caught my husband cheating, after trying to hold it together long enough to get the kids in bed, I got myself to the other end of the house and I lost it. I screamed, cried, sobbed. Never, never have I been in so much pain. My WH tried to calm me, tried to hug me, was so distressed. I was literally hitting myself, I think to make the inner hurt stop - now I know, maybe, why people cut themselves. He grabbed my arm and said .." No. I'm the one who did this, you hit me."

And I did. I whaled on him as hard as I could until my hand hurt. It was pure pain and rage. I had no control, no conscious decision to do it. It was horrible, horrible, I am crying thinking of it. I have never hit anyone. I have never spanked my children. It was not ok, what I did.

Talking to my IC about it, she pointed out that that level of pain can produce actions that we would never do in " normal" life. She pointed out all the murders committed by hurt partners due to infidelity, the assaults, thing we see and hear about in the news.

I feel terrible to have been violent that way. Yet there was a reason, an extremity I was pushed to by my pain, where I literally lost control. Such a frightening feeling. I have a new level of understanding of others who react violently in these kinds of situations. I think that just because I reacted that way, doesn't make me a horrible human being.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 486 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I punched my husband in the shoulder tonight. I know it's wrong. I tried to apologize once I calmed down but he said I wasn't sorry. I asked why he didn't think I meant my apology. He said because I told him I wanted to punch him in the face earlier.. I said "well, I still want to punch you in the face but I'm not going to". I even offered to let him punch me back in shoulder but he declined.

Posts: 635 | Registered: Jul 2013
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Funny thing is WH asked me to hit him over and over again after D-day. He said, "You can hit me if you want...I know you will feel better." Ugh no, I wouldn't have! As much as I wanted to....and believe me I did! I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of having a "poor me" story.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
hobbeskat
♀ Member
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH said the same thing, and I did hit him. And yes, I hate myself for it, and yes, he did use it as a victim story- even told the OW what a bitch I was. It's not worth it.

Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never hit my WH#2 after 2ddays, but I did throw a glass of coke at his head. Luckily I missed, but I wouldn't have cared at the moment and still don't if it had hit him between the eyes.

I have never condoned violence and never will, but when you are in that mindset you can lose control of yourself. I also kicked the flower he just bought me out the backdoor. When it didn't break, I went in the yard and stomped on it until it was smashed to bits (poor flower). I then got a baseball bat and told him if he didn't turn off that TV, I was going to smash it to bits and he knew at that point I would have.

He had never seen me act like that and I think it did give him a reality check on how hurt and pissed I was about his continued cheating.

Do not condemn yourself too bad for slapping him. Just tell yourself you had a momentary lapse of good judgement and tell yourself he isn't worth the effort. My WH#2 locked up all the guns in a safe when he found out I knew. I just laughed at him and told him he wasn't worth the cost of a bullet.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wrote out a big long reply and then deleted it. I just wanted to say - I think you should get in IC, and go to an IC who will hold you accountable for hitting, not someone who excuses it. I was guilty of doing this multiple times until I talked to a counselor who would absolutely not let me off the hook for what I did (I didn't WANT to be off the hook). Everyone else that I talked to, other than a few people at SI, excused or were even amused by the fact that I hit him. Was he being a jerk? Oh hell yes. But that's on him. Hitting him was on me.

I'm sorry you're hurting. The lying is absolutely terrible on top of what you've already been through. But the hitting just can't happen again. Please seek help.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6647 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not going to condemn you for hitting him.
He has dehumanized you and suckerpunched you into a state of upset that you are lashing out.

ftg

If anything, if this is not a typical response from you, then don't let him put you into that position. Apparantly he thinks he is calling the shots.

As for hanging up on OW, lololo that is minor league. How terrible is he.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Kierst13
♀ Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am shocked and dismayed that there have been people in this thread supporting, glorifying and justifying the use of violence by a woman towards a man!

Thank you for sharing Jesu, I'm sure it was not easy.

There is zero, nilch, nada excuse for physical violence, save self defense of yourself or somebody else. End of story. Anybody who can physically harm somebody else and not feel anything, let alone remorse or guilt, needs therapy for themselves.

There are far too many people excusing this behavior in this thread, and they are doing so by saying, "I will not condone violence" *BUT* _______ (fill in the blank).

Let me give you two examples and see how you feel about this. You have a daughter in a 7 year marriage and she is 5'8" 150lbs (she is muscular-athletic), her husband is 5'6" and 135lbs (he is thin-not athletic). The daughter cheats and her husband finds out, he reacts by punching her in the face, his rage simply over takes him and he has never hit anybody in the past, he is not a violent person. Does he get the same "I do not condone it *BUT*"?

Or this

Do not condemn yourself too bad for slapping him. Just tell yourself you had a momentary lapse of good judgement and tell yourself he isn't worth the effort.

changed to the cheating WS frame of mind

Do not condemn yourself too bad for FUCKING HER. Just tell yourself you had a momentary lapse of good judgement (when she came on to you in the men's bathroom at the club) and tell yourself SHE isn't worth the effort.

I think if anybody came in here and started saying things like the above to a WS we would be shouting at the roof tops how awful it is. I think if a female WS came in here and said they hit their male BS because of a uncontrollable reaction we would be shouting from the rooftops how wrong it is for a woman to hit a man. We are giving PASSES to violence because of our hurt as betrayed spouses and it is WRONG.



Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
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