WS remorseful, sad, working hard to make it better. Doing everything right. Things seem to be good. We are closer than ever. We do everything together now. I'm trying to trust. I'm trying hard to believe, but we had two false R before. this is the first time WS agreed to the NC and agreed to it instead of me demanding it. I think WS gets it now. Maybe its just because of the texts I saw of him asking to meet for sex or her admission that she loved him and had told him. But she agreed to NC, claims the requests were never acted upon...and she's convincing.
I just keep having moments where I doubt everything. I'm monitoring emails, phone records, searching ipad and iphone, and still always wondering if they are still in contact.
I'm thinking of adding a keylogger to her computer now.
Somehow this seems like such an escalation, and moving in the wrong direction. Someone tell me it's too far. The other part of me wants to find way to monitor the phone too.
It would be totally easy to have switched to the work phone or a different messaging system or email account.
I know I'm on the edge here but every discovery was made due to my digging so it's hard not to. I know, however, that unless she's stupid or careless she can still do so secretly. I know it's a pointless effort and keeps me focused on the past and the lack of trust.
When do you just accept the choice isn't in your hands? How far should I take the searching? knowing she can always make the wrong choice in a way can't find, all paths seem pointless.
I love her and we want R. It's just driving me nuts.
When does the searching stop? For me, that happened when my WS really started showing remorse. Not blanket apologies, but telling me what a shit he was....
I haven't completely stopped looking though. Maybe once per month or so, but I still look.
I want to start trusting and stop searching, but I'm not there now. Neither are you.
In the beginning I was checking everyday. Then only when something seemed off. Now I rarely check anything.
I will continue to check until I don't feel the need. I will say, that after 6 weeks now of not finding anything I don't make it a priority when I get up. I used to do it first thing. Now, I get some stuff done and usually do it with my first cup of coffee after the kids are off to school. The trust bank is filling up.
If you feel the need to check, keep checking.
I don't know your story, but are you sure it was just an EA? My WH told me it was just EA, but people don't usually proclaim love for each other, have a problem with NC, etc. for just EA. I learned that the hard way. My WH and his AP lived on opposite sides of the country. They still managed to meet up for sex 2 times in 6 weeks. That nagging feeling might be your spidey sense going off that there is more to the story. I know WS can be convincing. Mine was. And we so badly want to believe it didn't get physical we tend to follow along. But deep down I always knew, and kept snooping. Which was how I found out it had actually gotten physical.
Knowing the details doesn't always make you feel satisfied. In my case, it just made me want to burn a perfectly good couch!
However he now knows I am much more savvy. Unfortunately he has access to 8 different computers between home and work. No way to check everything. 18 months out and I have had to learn to let go---checking only made me FEEL like I was in control. If I have to control him to keep our M, then I don't want him here.
Letting go, trusting, putting my heart back out there--not easy, but essential. And I have learned, if he chooses to go outside, he's gone and I WILL be OK. If he chooses to stay, even better. But I WILL be ok either way--so will you!