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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I need to write this out...
veelop5
♀ Member
Member # 11089
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted anything on here in a while...Here it goes....5 months ago I bumped into a guy that coached my son in baseball for 5 years and I also knew him and his family from town and sporting events...I had heard through the grape vine that his wife left him so one of the first questions I asked was "what happened"? and "how are you"?...He told me that his wife left him, took the kids to Texas and is with another man. Little background on him: He is in the Army and is known for being an excellent father...never missed a game and was always with his kids. She took the kids while he was on leave in March and is currently still there (the man is gone). She made him sleep on the couch for 3 years and was very mean and insulting to him including in front of people. He married her because she got pregnant and it was the right thing to do. They have been married for 15 years. I didn't only hear this story from him to make that clear. So here goes the story...I knew better...I knew better...I felt like I could relate to his situation that I felt like I needed to help him...he had lost like 60lbs, wasn't eating, drinking alot, he was so so lost. He just wanted his kids home. It started out as walks and talking and than BAM...we started sleeping together (MY FIRST IN 21 Years) Even from the beginning I knew that he wasn't healed and that he might go back to his wife but I have let it go on for 5 MONTHS!...and he is not DIVORCED yet! I know better!...So now he leaves on the 18th of December for 13 days to Texas to see the kids. I have noticed that he is distant and hurting so I talked to him last night and he says that he is so depressed. He said that I am the best thing that happened to him and that when he is not with me he misses me terribly...That I am a wonderful woman and he is so lucky to have me...I make him laugh and he has never been happier with anyone....BUT!!! He is confused and afraid (doesn't want to lose me). I have been very guarded with him and I adore him dearly but I deserve to be someone's number one....so I made it easy for him and said goodbye last night...5 months...he is such a good person with a huge heart and I know that he is hurting and it is time for me to step away and allow him his healing time...I am hurting right now but I know that I will be ok....I just had to get this out...thanks for reading.


ME-38
XH-40
3 beautiful boys (20,19 & 15)
Update: Moved in to my own apartment 8/7/2012
Divorce final 3/27/2013

Posts: 1085 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Pennsylvania
lifestoshort
♀ Member
Member # 18442
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i would NOT have ended it. I would have just let things happen and see where it goes. why cant he be upset and hurt? its not been that long?
you are both in different places but remember when you were in his shoes? be kind. if you like him, dont end it. he sounds like a very nice man with a broken heart. i dont think he should be faulted for that. if his wife had died, he would be in the same spot. his marriage and kids leaving is like a death. support him as such

[This message edited by lifestoshort at 9:02 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]


6/07 EX had several Emotional/sexual A
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09
2013- 10 month marriage &D to friend. he was a lyin, freeloadn biploar mess.
NOW? Living my life and loving it.


Posts: 691 | Registered: Mar 2008
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((veelop))

i am so proud of you! you are doing a good thing for you. sure you could wait and see where it goes but it sounds like he isn't healed or healthy so the odds of it going well are slim. In the meantime you just get further and further into a relationship and its even harder to end.

I'm impressed that you took a chance and dated. I remember when you weren't even sure you could do that. Now you've made a mature decision that is best for you and your well being.

It must be really hard for you today. I hope you're doing OK.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8439 | Registered: Apr 2008
veelop5
♀ Member
Member # 11089
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I ended it because I can tell that I am standing in his way of making a decision...I believe in my heart that he is going to try to get his family back and I don't want him to have the guilt of me over here. I am protecting myself from the hurt that would cause. It might not happen but If we are meant to be he will divorce her and if I'm still available I would love to be with him. I feel strongly about stepping away right now.


ME-38
XH-40
3 beautiful boys (20,19 & 15)
Update: Moved in to my own apartment 8/7/2012
Divorce final 3/27/2013

Posts: 1085 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Pennsylvania
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((veelop)))

I think you did the right thing by ending it, though I'm sure it was difficult.

He wasn't divorced yet. It shouldn't have progressed to an R between you two in the first place until decisions were made and carried out about his marriage.

And that's just addressing the marriage part...not to mention the time he'll require to heal from all of the mess his W put him through.

Are you in IC? Maybe you should really look at why engaging in a relationship with a separated but still married man was a viable option for you.

More hugs.

(((veelop)))


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Feb 2010
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((veelop))) I am sorry you are hurting.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15194 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
macakipa
♀ Member
Member # 33735
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

veelop5, I am sorry you are hurting, but so admire your gut feelings and decision.

(((hugs)))


M -25 years, T - 31 years, 4 children
Dday October 8, 2011 - Multiple PAs and ONs
Divorced 1-8-13
"When you give a lot of importance to someone in your life, you lose your importance in their life."

Posts: 952 | Registered: Oct 2011
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((veelop))) It is very kind of you to give him space to work through this on his own. Even if he doesn’t wish to R with his WW, it sounds like being closer to his children is important.

Posts: 3344 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with hexed and abby - you did the right thing and I am proud of you, and I'm sure it was difficult.

His first priority needs to be working out the details of his marriage and his family. His second priority will need to be healing.

veelop5, you really have come so far. You put yourself out there, I'm sorry you're hurting, but you are growing and healing. ((Hugs))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4471 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
veelop5
♀ Member
Member # 11089
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what do I do now...I should be a pro at this...I miss him and my heart hurts....he cried to me and told me I diserve so much better than him...that he can only give me 80% and it is not fair...he wants to be with me and knows that he won't find anyone like me...It's over and I am heart broken because I knew better and did it anyway...I am back to where I was 5 months ago...healed from the idiot and ready to start a fresh and now this...

[This message edited by veelop5 at 1:05 PM, December 9th (Monday)]


ME-38
XH-40
3 beautiful boys (20,19 & 15)
Update: Moved in to my own apartment 8/7/2012
Divorce final 3/27/2013

Posts: 1085 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Pennsylvania
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It isn't going to be easy, but just cocoon and take care of yourself. Let him go to figure out his life, he will come back if it is meant to be.

((((veelop5))))


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4113 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what do I do now

You can reach out to friends and family to surround you with love. As cmego said, cocoon yourself.

You can do something that makes you happy.

You can take up a new hobby, or continue with an old one.

You can get active in your community- volunteering at soup kitchens, getting active in church if so inclined, etc.

You can take a class. Dance. Pottery. Painting. Cooking. Something you've never tried but always wanted to.

I know you're hurting and I'm sorry. But try to keep yourself busy, until the pain slowly fades.

Finally, let him take care of his responsibilities and heal. You two might reconnect in the future; you never know. Then, hopefully, you both will be in a better place for an R.

(((veelop)))


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Feb 2010
veelop5
♀ Member
Member # 11089
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He leaves for Texas next week for 3 weeks to see the kids...so I won't bump into him. I work two jobs so I am extremely busy. I do miss him....I miss having someone to talk to mostly. I haven't even cried yet...today wasn't so bad...but I am waiting and expecting it. It just really seems unfair we were really good together.


ME-38
XH-40
3 beautiful boys (20,19 & 15)
Update: Moved in to my own apartment 8/7/2012
Divorce final 3/27/2013

Posts: 1085 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 13

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