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Newest Member: MovingPast (44273)

Reconciliation     Print Topic    
User Topic: what would you do?
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So things have been going very well. I know where he is pretty much at all times and it doesn't appear that he has been deleting messages on the computer or his phone.

All that to say that I am really struggling with something. He has a friend that is a girl. It started out as a classmate and she was struggling with her faith and her marriage and he thought that maybe her and I would hit it off as friends. We've gotten together as families and as couples.

But I get so scared because her and him are getting closer and closer as friends, and her and I are nothing more then acquaintances. When I finally told him how I felt he asked me if I wanted him to quit being friends with her. I know it's my codependency but my answer is I don't know.

I used to believe that a wife and a husband could have friends of the opposite gender and it was perfectly ok because you trusted each other. I have read all of his texts with her and I guess I am just jealous. I have never been huge into music, quoting lyrics or bands, but that is a big thing he enjoys. And she is also into this. So now I see them exchanging lyrics and bands and he called her his beastie. The morning after I told him I was uncomfortable he texted her "good morning beautiful

Am I just blind? I know what advice people will offer but I guess I want to hear it anyway. What does recovering from infidelity look like long term? Is he never allowed to have friendships of the opposite gender ever again? Am I being controlling if I ask him to stop being friends with her? Am I holding the past over his head? I am so confused about all this. Part of me is even mad that he would put himself in a situation that even smells of infidelity.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not codependent! In my book, not ok to have friends of the opposite sex when you are married. Period. Particularly if one has been a wayward! Many, many affairs happen between friends. My husband's did -- it was just because she was part of a couple friend that we weren't on alert.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1746 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and hold on - I just read your post more fully. He sent a text to another woman that said "good morning beautiful?!?!?!?!"

(Can you tell from my punctuation that I think that is totally, absolutely out of line? And super dangerous? And absolutely boundary crossing? Holy cow!!)

Gent your man into some serious therapy, hon. I am sorry to be so harsh, but that is so inappropriate, and I am sorry you are even questioning yourself.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1746 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hon, you wanting firm boundaries is the opposite of being codependent. I would strongly encourage you to put some work into understanding that because it is likely you are codependent, because establishing boundaries is unfamiliar to you and making you doubt yourself.

That said, uh, I agree with the others - he is engaged in at least an emotional affair with this woman. He is totally and completely out of line and in the wrong. At this stage in your recovery he should understand what he is doing a is a violation of all the tenants of reconciliation - he seems to not. What DOES he understand?


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6306 | Registered: Jan 2011
Dawnie
♀ Member
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If my husband ever texted another woman Good Morning Beautiful I would blow a gasket (and he has never cheated on me). With your H's past track record this is a HUGE red flag that this relationship is headed into dangerous waters.... you need to stop this in its tracks and he needs to respect boundaries...

((want))


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 47)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 800 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand that wanting boundaries is good, I'm just terrible about recognizing that they are needed. I trust way too easily. I feel too much for the other person and how they might be hurt. That is where I am codependent. I will put myself on the back burner over and over until I feel like bursting and then I shove the bursting feeling down and tell myself not to be selfish. Very codependent. I was working on this but lately I haven't done as much work. I have been tired and so busy with the kids' activities. I haven't been to my 12 step group in what feels like forever. This incident is a wake up call to me that I need to get back to work.

(Also I accidentally posted this topic 3x and people have been commenting on 2 of them so I want to thank all who have been commenting here and there.)


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please use this existing thread as this is a duplicate.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=515541


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Topic Posts: 7

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