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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: what would you do?
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have an amazing amount of restraint. The moment I saw that text I would have flipped out. It's disrespectful on so many different levels, especially with his history. My husband can tell me he thinks another woman is beautiful and that's perfectly fine but it's crossing a line if he were to tell her she's beautiful. Did you call him out on that?

My husband has never had a female friend. I've always told him that could if he wanted one. He's never wanted one and usually avoids women at all cost. For example he likes to play blackjack..if a woman sits down next to him at the table and tries to start a conversation he will get up and move to a different table. I always found it a little strange. At one point I accused him of not trusting himself enough to be around woman and not do anything wrong so he had to avoid them all together (I was obviously an idiot to not appreciate/respect his boundaries). So when I found out he was having an EA with an employee, I was devastated. I can't help but think she must have been pretty special to get someone with such rigid boundaries with women and especially female employee's to drop his boundaries completely. He kept her a secret from me. I knew she worked for him and what she did but I never knew they were texting 1000 times a month or spending time together. He never mentioned her name in casual conversation or when he would vent about work problems. I don't think I will ever be ok with him having female friends now.

The girl that your husband is talking to is a pos. she knows exactly what she's doing. I would tell her not to contact your husband anymore. I hope you tell your husband how you really feel about it and that he does the right thing and ends all communication.


Posts: 716 | Registered: Jul 2013
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I finally got brave enough to talk to him. He said he didn't understand when we talked last week that I was asking him to slow down on the texts and phone calls. He just heard I was nervous but he could still be friends with her. (I did say that. I struggle with hurting people.)

He said he was disappointed that I didn't tell him earlier this week or even just tell him to end the friendship last week. (stupid codependency!) And that he is sad because he thought we were farther then this. He said this is supposed to be a joyous time for us, with the new baby coming, and that he wishes I wasn't still triggery. Apparently she was a BS who D her WH before she meet this H. I know she's a great person, but I just can't handle the triggers from this. He agreed that the beautiful thing was wrong. He said he just wasn't thinking. He said she's just a friend and he will stop the friendship because I mean more to him. (It made me feel so much better)

I'm glad we talked. Thank you all for your support.


Me,BS 33
SA fWH (masame5) 35
Married 13 yrs, 7 kids
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP

Posts: 196 | Registered: Nov 2012
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What does recovering from infidelity look like long term? Is he never allowed to have friendships of the opposite gender ever again?

He should NEVER text, or want to text, another woman these words:

"good morning beautiful"

Especially to a woman who is:

she was struggling with her faith and her marriage


Tell him that you now know the answer to his question about whether he should end his friendship with her...
ANSWER: YES

There are red flags flying here.

ETA: I just read about your conversation. I do hope that he will end the friendship and I caution you to keep your eye wide open.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 1:43 AM, December 6th (Friday)]


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2123 | Registered: Nov 2011
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry but his talk is bullshit. Downplaying his choices and even blameshifting them on to you.

EIGHT affairs. Your d-days are barely 12 months ago.

He doesn't get it.

He has no boundaries.

You shouldn't have to say cut this shit out. Saying you're nervous should be enough for a true FWS who gets it.

As for her being a BS? Plenty of OP were betrayed in other relationships. Hell, my mom's final OM was a. BH who wasn't sure if his kids from his first M were his. MrH walked in on his GF doing it doggy style with one of his best friends in the relationship before ours. Being betrayed doesn't make someone safe.

They're both playing with fire and they know it. If she's having problems in her M, she needs to go to a MC. If she's having a crisis of faith, she needs to go to her spiritual leader. What is not an option is turning to a MM for emotional support if that is not his job (ie- IC, pastor etc). Even then, I'd tread carefully because the professional lines can slip when delving into deep emotional issues if professionalism isn't maintained at all times. I prefer a female IC and to talk to other women in my faith who are farther along in their spiritual journey. Using a MM in place of a safe confidant is just asking for disaster.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
TimeToManUp
♂ Member
Member # 37538
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And that he is sad because he thought we were farther then this. He said this is supposed to be a joyous time for us, with the new baby coming, and that he wishes I wasn't still triggery.

I won't be so brazen as to say that I never said such a thing to my BW, because I most likely did. However, being on the other side of those cloudy emotions I can tell you that whole sentiment is bullshit. He's making you feel bad for not being cool with him having a girlfriend. This is not a trigger issue or a time issue, it's a boundary issue and he clearly has few (none?) boundaries. The conversations you describe wouldn't necessarily be OK even without the history.


I know we're worth it.
WH (Me-33)
BW (tattoodchinadoll-31)
D-Day: 12/22/11
Together 15 years, married for 10.
Three daughters, 8, 4 and 2.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: New Jersey
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He wishes you were not so triggers??

F that! You wish he had some decent boundaries and respected you enough to not be texting another woman as beautiful.

Do NOT internalize this as your issue or that you were not specific enough or you are too nice.

She is NOT a wonderful person and your husband is either obtuse or blatantly a jerk.

Sorry, I see you taking ownership of this and no. It is 200% him.

If my h texted, emailed or called some other woman using a term of endearment, he would be gone. It is totally disrespectful to you.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6605 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bullshit. This isn't about you triggering!!!! My God!! He doesn't get it!!!! It is about his poor boundaries and the fact he was entering into another EA with this woman. The fact that he is putting this all on you shows he is Blameshifting and gas lighting you. He has no boundaries at all, none.

Please do not fall for this.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TTMU speaks truth. Re-read that post several times and let it sink in.

farther then this.

This part here is the core of it - what does he think is going on, he's just waiting out your transitioning phase so he can resume whatever behaviors he was engaged in before? He has changed this for life.

Some people may be comfortable with opposite gender friendships after a situation like this but some people are comfortable piercing their dicks with brass rings and calling it body art. Whenever you wonder about other people being okay with something because he says something like this with the implication of normality, envision a body piercing artist nailing a big old pin through his dick for the real world perspective. It doesn't have to be okay for you just because others make it work.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7488 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What atsenaotie and TTMU said, and

I suggest telling your H something like:

You can't possibly be farther along the healing path, and it can't possibly be a joyous time, when he thinks texting 'good morning beautiful' to another woman is OK for a married man. And recognizing it's wrong after doing it does nothing to mitigate his crime against your M.

And tell him C is a lot cheaper than D, and overall, it'll take a lot less time from his day.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:20 PM, December 6th (Friday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What they said.

Honey, don't buy into his crap.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know why everyone is harping on the text. That's just one piece of evidence.

He is breaking boundaries. MM shouldn't be chatting about relationship issues with other women. It risks the slippery slope...the text just proves he's standing on the edge of the slippery slope getting ready to dance his way to OW#9...if he hasn't already. The text isn't the start of the wrong choices, it's the culmination of the wrong choices.

Even without that text, what he's doing is wrong.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And recognizing it's wrong after doing it does nothing to mitigate his crime against your M.

Why do they do this??? It drives me crazy! I can ask my WH why did you do what you did? Where did your boundaries go? His answer to everything is "i was wrong and I'm sorry". I want to reach down his throat and rip out his spine every time I hear him say that.


Posts: 716 | Registered: Jul 2013
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know everyone has chimed in already but ...
Yah. I call bullshit.

As I read your reply about his response I almost dropped my phone.
He completely turned it around to make it your fault.
He totally snowed you.

Just... I'm sorry... Please reread the other replies and REALLY take the time to think about it.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He agreed that the beautiful thing was wrong. He said he just wasn't thinking.

And this is why he needs help inorder to be a partner in a relationship with you or anyone. He needs to understand boundaries, and the "not thinking" default should be to be safe and enforce them. You are not the issue here, he is.

I agree it would be nice to be further along, but he has not done the work.

He needs help with this, he has proven that establishing boundaries and owning issues is not something he can fix on his own.

Well I finally got brave enough to talk to him. <snip> (I did say that. I struggle with hurting people.)

And here is something for you to work on while he is working on his crap. In a healthy relationship one party cannot be afraid to raise issues with the other. Conflict avoidance is very damaging to intimate relationships. While he is working on his stuff, can you schedule some IC time for you to work on conflict avoidance?

Him acknowledging mistakes with OW when you point them out is not the foundation of a good M.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ladycody
♀ Member
Member # 41401
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to comment on him saying that he thought you were "further along than this". He needs to understand that if his expectation is for you, at some point down the road, to be ok with this type of behavior in his part...that it ain't gonna happen. That if he expects you to trust him with close women companions down the road...again...that's not a viable future....EVER. He also needs to realize that he has been given a gift by you...and if you are really what matters...he should be grateful for the opportunity to keep you in his life. I am angry for you right now... :(


Me 47
WS 41
M=16 years

Posts: 130 | Registered: Nov 2013
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good point ladycody!!!

I didn't even see that until you pointed it out.

Oooh.... Now I'm angry for you again.

Perhaps a discussion about what he sees as appropriate on a relationship and what you see as appropriate in a relationship is definitely in order. You both have every different ideas about these things- best to discuss them honestly so that you can make decisions about whether you can be in the relationship at all.

I will never be "far enough along" for my WH to have female friends that he texts and talks with.

[This message edited by TheAmazingWondertwin at 8:26 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 36
Pages: 1 · 2

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