Still slogging through every day. Some days are almost normal, but others I just burn the hours until I can go to bed. We went to visit family over Thanksgiving, and he completely isolated himself, barely talking to me at all and not doing anything with the kids. He later told me he just didn't feel invested since it ocurred to him that it might be the last time we do that.
After not even wanting to consider separating, divorce or anything, suddenly WS is planning to move out. He says the limbo is killing him. Yeah, try almost 20 years of emotional limbo, buzzard.
The only conclusion I have come to is that, after moving roughly every 3 years, I need to find a place and settle at least until all of the kids are out of high school. I need to establish my own career and just have something I can count on. I need a home for my kids to know they will be coming back to for a while. I think they deserve that.
So he created this plan where I move back near my parents with the kids (out of state from him!), and he comes to visit to be part of the kids' lives, and somehow woos me back so we can be back together by the time he is ready to retire (5 years). He is willing to buy a house for me and the kids to live in while we wait around for him. He's really excited about this idea and spent most of last night looking at furnished apartments for himself near his work and at real estate for us.
Part of me wants to scream at him. What is wrong with him? How can he be so willing to just lose our kids? The every day is where all the magic happens, and he is completely oblivious. I feel almost like it was another D-Day, the one where I discovered just how little our children mean to him. I dread seeing their faces when they figure it out. My oldest is already there, and it is really heartbreaking.
And then there is the part where, even after I have told him that I don't think there is anything to salvage in our marriage, he thinks I am going to stay married to him indefinitely, while he's off doing whatever the hell he wants, and then be wooed back at his convenience?
I just don't even know how to respond right now. I feel like he's forcing decisions and being very selfish, as usual. Part of me wants to cut and run far and fast, but I really hope(d?) that we would be able to come to an amicable arrangement once I was ready to decide what I needed.
Another part of me thinks it is okay not to respond right now. We have a little time before a decision has to be made, and I don't have to let him in on my thinking until I need to. This just sucks so bad. I wish I knew what to do.The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be - and when they're not, we cry.~David Duchovny
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.