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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I'm self destructing
Sam793
♂ Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what I've done. Everything I've been working for in the last year and a half is going out the window. I know the second year is hard but I feel less respectful of myself and this causes me to be argumentative. I love my BW dearly but feel I can't live up to her expectations. I know I can. I want to try so hard. I have a weekly counselling session with my pastor but feel I need more. I have nobody to talk to and feel this way because nobody is feeling what I'm feeling now. It's the same way my BW feels. It's getting to the point that I'm heading in a direction I don't want to go. I have fixed my issues that caused my A and absolutely know I won't do that again but still feel I've achieved nothing. Please help.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Sam))

There are days where you feel like the dark cloud of the A will always loom no matter what your level of work or effort.

I don't have the exact quote, but a wise old WS on the board used to say that - "There are good days and bad days in R and this is one of them".

Fixing things is important but that in itself isn't an endpoint. There is a new normal you both have to adjust to. It isn't always smooth and it certainly isn't easy. It is a process.

Cut yourself a break and take a look back at what you have accomplished personally and as a couple over the last 18 months. Maybe you aren't where you want to be but I am willing to bet you are a hell of a lot father down the path than on dday.

You can work on the argumentative thing. There is a choice there, its not just a by product. Hang in there.

[This message edited by redrock at 9:54 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3122 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sam...hang on. There are many days and weeks that I think most of us feel this way. Unworthy, and lost. It is a part of our process. They will come and go. I often let my wife know how I'm feeling. I don't expect her to really say or do anything. But she will offer comfort and that is huge. IC has been very important for me. And if you need to see your pastor or even just someone in your church...please do. Or message any of us. Your not alone.

I understand it sometimes feels like your on your own but your not. We are here to listen.


Posts: 251 | Registered: Aug 2012
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel less respectful of myself
Why?

I have fixed my issues that caused my A
If that's true, why do you feel lest respect for yourself? Why have you achieved nothing?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"You can do it!" - R. Schneider


Posts: 5472 | Registered: Nov 2011
bbf2013
♂ New Member
Member # 41551
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand how you feel. Yesterday after talking to my BW I imagined sneaking out of work to buy a gun and give myself the permanent punishment I often feel I deserve. Then an hour later I was stable, and then two hours later I was depressed (yes, I'm bipolar).

I understand the building pressure. My biggest suggestion to you would be to try some professional counseling in addition to seeing your pastor. Clergy can be very helpful in some ways, but they don't have the type of training or experience a therapist has. Your emotions are very strong, and I think you deserve a little more help in managing how badly you feel.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2013
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Clergy can be very helpful in some ways, but they don't have the type of training or experience a therapist has.
Possible, but it also depends. My pastor is also licensed therapist, and a very good one at that.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"You can do it!" - R. Schneider


Posts: 5472 | Registered: Nov 2011
nealos
♂ Member
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have nobody to talk to and feel this way because nobody is feeling what I'm feeling now.

Not true-- someone is definitely feeling how you're feeling… somewhere. Right now, even. I've quickly read through your bio, and I'm guessing that you're the type to isolate and draw in to yourself-- someone who internalizes everything. I'm similar. I'd recommend making a connection when you're feeling this way. I'm in a few different support groups for people who deal with the same spiritual and emotional issues. When I start to feel shitty, it's often because I'm lonely and I need to reach out and connect with someone. I'd recommend expanding your support system and making a habit of calling/texting/emailing for support.

You wrote this in your bio:

My parents, in laws, and friends must be disappointed because I'm not the person they thought I was.

This isn't productive thinking, in my opinion. You mention self-esteem issues, too. You need to find a way to deal with your perfectionism/people-pleasing (I'm guessing this is an issue), and work on affirmations of your self. What do you love about yourself?… what are 3 things today about your life that are awesome?

I have fixed my issues that caused my A and absolutely know I won't do that again but still feel I've achieved nothing.

Do you not think your self-esteem issues contributed to your affair? I needed to be validated by others when I cheated on my ex… I built my entire self-worth on external "measurables," which I noticed through the reactions of others and performance evaluations/metrics. Life measured only from the outside really sucks. Maybe this isn't you, but regardless I'd suggest work on loving yourself for who you really are. It is NOT easy, but self-loathing will slip away.

good luck-- I'm sending good vibes your way, man


31yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 254 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
Sam793
♂ Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your replies. My issue arose due to my lack of understanding of what was expected of me and what I perceived was expected. It all comes down to communication and it was lacking again.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
nealos
♂ Member
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My issue arose due to my lack of understanding of what was expected of me and what I perceived was expected.

Was there fear of asking for clarification of expectations?..


31yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 254 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
nealos
♂ Member
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<duplicate post>

[This message edited by nealos at 12:43 AM, December 6th (Friday)]


31yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 254 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love my BW dearly but feel I can't live up to her expectations.

And then your very next sentence:
I know I can.

And then the sentence after that:
I want to try so hard

Sam. What does that even mean? You want to try so hard. <--that is a very passive and victim-y statement.

There is no *want* or *try* for a WS that desires to repair his/her marriage.....there is only *do*.

You say:

It's getting to the point that I'm heading in a direction I don't want to go

That means...what, exactly? See, you say that you absolutely know that you won't go down the *A* road again....but that statement just comes off as some type of threat. (keep in mind that my point of reference is a stbx who vehemently told me that he'd never cheat again....but ran off to a new woman whenever I wasn't being *nice enough* to him or he thought that he couldn't live up to my standards....)


I'm not so sure that you've *fixed* the issues that caused your A.....if *I* were your BS I would still be totally terrified of you.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7254 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 3:15 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sam, I agree with gonna that it seems to me too that sometimes your posts have a lot of words in them but they don't really reveal anything and can be very confusing. They can be full of contradictions and most times you don't seem to give actual specific examples of what's specifically happened or happening. I don't know if it is because you don't want to reveal too much on these boards, but if you are like this in counseling it may be why you're not getting as much out of it as you could.

I do believe that you want your R to work but I'm with gonna again in that I don't think you really have fixed all your issues yet. Really think about nealos' question and ask yourself if that is true about this specific problem but also about others too. What stops you getting that clarification? Do you not really agree with the request or do you purposely not get clarification so that you have an 'out' if you don't comply with the request exactly?

Whatever it was that you didn't do this time, have you been asked to do this before? If so is it that you really didn't understand what was wanted or something else that stopped you from doing it or doing whatever it was correctly? Do you need to be asked separately on each occasion for the same thing or same 'type' of thing? If so, what stops you from carrying the request forward or applying it to slightly different circumstances yourself?

Why is it, specifically, (and you don't have to answer here but at least do it in counseling) that you feel you can't live up to your wife's expectations and why you do not clarify, each and every time, what it actually is that she expects when she asks something of you?


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1740 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here, Hope that's ok.

Clergy can be very helpful in some ways, but they don't have the type of training or experience a therapist has

I agree with Aubrie's answer to this. Our Pastor was a forensic psychologist prior to seminary. They all vary. As does the quality of licensed therapists.

Sam, you are sounding confused. Maybe take a breath and journal your thoughts? The path isn't always linear or forward.
I've read your posts from the beginning, and they have, in fact, opened several discussions between Finally10 and myself. You have made progress. Go back and read your posts from the beginning and you will see the man you were then versus now.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1265 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Sam793
♂ Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nealos- I am an internal type guy. I also find it easier to relate in person as the person on the other end of the cell/phone/computer could in real life be anybody. If I had to pick three things about my life today that are awesome it would be my family, my job, and how different I am compared to ten years ago. I am better with my self esteem today but not near at the level it should be. I never asked for clarification because I was in fear of the unknown. What if I couldn't do it. Not knowing at the time was better than knowing and feeling like I couldn't be that person. In the end it wasn't even slightly an issue.

Gonnabe- my explanation was very wordy and due to my style of not looking back at what I wrote. I basically thought one part of my mind feels that I can't live up to the expectations or perceived expectations but deep down I know I can but am scared that I may fail. I want to try so hard but the fear of failure overcomes me.

Getting to the point I don't want to be is where taking what I said above and spinning my wheels and getting so wrapped up in the fear that I am doing more damage then good. I need help to get the traction to move ahead.

As for your situation, I'm sorry what your WS did to you but I'm not your WS and everybody on here is different. I could be the one that never does it again.

Sins- I've never been one to really open up. I also never want to sound like I'm speaking negatively about my BS. She has done nothing wrong and is only a victim. Again I'm confusing because I take so long to write a post and never look back at what I have written.

I'm not looking for an out. I'm looking to do what's needed and then some. An out is running away from the situation for good and I don't want to do that.

I've dealt with what is required by dividing them up into two categories suggested in counselling. Things required in the home and things required in the healing/marriage. I think I can better deal with then this way. Today's IC session helped me.

[This message edited by Sam793 at 10:39 PM, December 6th (Friday)]


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 14

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