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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When do you feel it is appropriate for the innuendos to begin?
Fireball72
♀ Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not seeing it. Perhaps I'm merely blind or just thinking that the guy deserves a chance, but isn't that what happens when you garden? You get hot, sweaty, dirty. You also get hot, sweaty and dirty when you work out.

I don't think it was anything more than in the context of the subject he was talking about. In my experience, people are a LOT less subtle than that if they're meaning to make a sexual come-on.

Especially in this day and age of "sexual gratification is okay", etc.

Gently, but I think you're reading more into this than what it is.


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
Remarried happily in 2013
A relationship is built for two. But apparently, some bitches don't know how to count!

Posts: 602 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been thinking about this some more. And it's rubbing me the wrong way.

Wait. Is that innuendo?

All jokes aside, I think that everyone is going to have a different opinion about what is appropriate or inappropriate because everyone's threshold is different. It's all very subjective here.

Idk why you wouldn't respond. Sure, I get that my opinion doesn't matter, and that if you felt uncomfortable then those are your feelings to have regardless of how I feel. However, since there are so many opinions about this, I'd draw the following conclusions:

1)it's not blatant. He didn't say, "when are we going to f###?" As such,

2)it sounds like you guys have had perfectly innocent/appropriate interaction up to this point. Which leads me to:

3)if YOU feel it's inappropriate, then you should watch closely. Time will tell if he is fishing or testing the waters for taking things to a sexual level with you. But, imho, this may or may not be innuendo is not reason in and of itself to NEXT! this guy. Just be vigilant. And finally:

4) if your vigilance reveals a sexual intent, then talk to him about it. Call him on it. Then, I see a few potential outcomes:

a) he immediately acknowledges your
feelings, is genuinely contrite and slows
his roll

OR

b) he downplays it
without acknowledging
your feelings (RED FLAG)

OR

c) he barely acknowledges your feelings,
mutters a false or forced apology
and fakes contrition until he tries it
again, completely disregarding your
feelings. (RED FLAG)

I guess what I'm saying is that this doesn't have to be a dealbreaker. But remain vigilant and go from there. Time will tell what this guy's true motives are.

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 1:02 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Feb 2010
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't see the innuendo in the original post but after his email this morning talking about sex, yep.

WTH, you haven't even met him and he is telling you how he views sex. Way too early for that type of talk.


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And one more thing.

I know that the word dirty can have a sexual connotation. But it also has a specific denotation as well, simply denoting something that has become soiled by dirt. Which your hands would have done if you were planting in your garden.

The fact that it was 65 degrees and not 90 means nothing. If you're out doing work in the yard, sometimes that involves different things. Lifting heavy bags of topsoil, hauling things around in a wheelbarrow, raking, etc, can cause you to get sweaty. It's physical exertion.

Idk. I'm just not seeing innuendo. But if you do, refer to my post above.


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Feb 2010
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but after his email this morning talking about sex, yep.

There WAS no email this morning discussing how he views sex. As I'm reading it, the only thing she received from him today was what she posted in the OP.


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Feb 2010
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I am either completely clueless, or it takes something as brazen as a penis pic to offend me.

I'm pretty literal. You can get sweaty and dirty when you are gardening - or when you are doing any outside work.

Bottom line is that if you are feeling uncomfortable, you should pay attention and NEXT him. You don't have anything invested at this point, so move on.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7676 | Registered: Aug 2005
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Apologies

I misread and thought he had emailed this morning after OP Thursday, re-reading I realise it was Cmego's view that was stated.

Its Friday morning here, does that count


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I am either completely clueless, or it takes something as brazen as a penis pic to offend me.

Before I jumped into the wonderful world of OLD, I wouldn't have given it a second thought either. Basically, guys bait women to see what the response will be. They can't be blatant about it though. That way, if you call them on it, they can just say "I'm sorry you misunderstood. I really was talking about gardening." and then they make you feel like you are the one who did something wrong. However, if they get just the right woman, she will respond the way he was hoping for.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13722 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before I jumped into the wonderful world of OLD, I wouldn't have given it a second thought either. Basically, guys bait women to see what the response will be. They can't be blatant about it though. That way, if you call them on it, they can just say "I'm sorry you misunderstood. I really was talking about gardening." and then they make you feel like you are the one who did something wrong. However, if they get just the right woman, she will respond the way he was hoping for.
Yep!
XWH was an expert at this sort of thing, so I've become a lot more tuned in to this type of thing. The guys that use this approach always leave themselves an "out" that you misunderstood, but if you take the bait, trust me, they WILL happily go with it.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids (4 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6356 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Idk why you wouldn't respond.

This is why...

Basically, guys bait women to see what the response will be. They can't be blatant about it though. That way, if you call them on it, they can just say "I'm sorry you misunderstood. I really was talking about gardening." and then they make you feel like you are the one who did something wrong. However, if they get just the right woman, she will respond the way he was hoping for.

If he is baiting her and she calls him on it she won't know if it was an innocent miscommunication or an intentional innuendo to elicit one of the above responses. If he is baiting her and she doesn't acknowledge it, it forces his hand.


Posts: 3342 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Fireball72
♀ Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Basically, guys bait women to see what the response will be. They can't be blatant about it though. That way, if you call them on it, they can just say "I'm sorry you misunderstood. I really was talking about gardening."

Hmm, I don't know. I've never met anyone while I was doing OLD that was actually that subtle. They'd have to be pretty damned clever to be that subtle about innuendo - and most OLD candidates that I ran into tended to have the tact of a box of bricks. They just didn't really have it in them to be THAT clever, know what I mean?

Agreed, though, there isn't that much invested in the situation right now, so if cmego were to "next!" him at this point, not much lost.

I'm just not picking up innuendo here, especially after cmego's description of the guy - he doesn't seem like this would be his M.O. As I said, most people who are hell-bent on sex talk or whatever don't have the patience or the tact to wait it out. At least, in my experience.


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
Remarried happily in 2013
A relationship is built for two. But apparently, some bitches don't know how to count!

Posts: 602 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I received this message:
"Hope the gardening was good, dirty, and sweaty. I find gardening very therapeutic, cleanses the mind and the body (well after a nice hot shower to wash the sweat off)."

I would reply after I was done gardening with the result... "It wasn't too bad today, I got all of the weeds pulled out. It looks great!" Or something to that effect and carry on with the rest of the conversation.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4143 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At the end of the day, cme, it's not what any of us thinks that matters.

The fact that this set your Spidey Senses off and you've not felt good about it since says it all.

Stick with your gut.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21041 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would reply after I was done gardening with the result... "It wasn't too bad today, I got all of the weeds pulled out. It looks great!" Or something to that effect and carry on with the rest of the conversation.


There is nothing wrong with this response. But to offer no response at all to someone you have a date scheduled with and who up this point you've been interacting appropriately with? Idk.

If you sent a response like the above and the dirty, sweaty comment was intended as innuendo, he would persist.

Again, it's not my opinion that matters. OP has to make up her own mind. I just personally do not feel that this is a big deal, and if it's sets off spidey senses, then it should be watched closely.


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Feb 2010
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, there are probably some small things that have my spidey senses tingling.

1. His very first email to me ended like this: "Your soft complexion and stark eyes are beautiful, and I would like to learn more about you should the interest be mutual. " It felt slightly….dunno. Off.

I responded because it WAS a nice email, but declined. He handled it well. I contacted him back about a month after that email. It did stick in my mind.

So, the past week while waiting for the date has been..formal? but ok communication.

2. He was very polite until last night when he asked me if he can "let his hair down" around me..which I questioned his choice of words. I commented that could mean..anything. His reply, "Letting my hair down, a reference to just being me with full disclosure. Let's face it, we're imperfect, and sometimes what one perceives as a fault, another perceives as a virtue."

I didn't really respond to this…I've been chalking it up to "email" vs "in person" communication, which is a horrible form of communication.

3. Then the email this morning about getting "dirty".

So…there are small things that are bothering me, but…it is also entirely possible that I'm looking for a reason to not like him. I wasn't that interested in him from the beginning. BUT, I'm trying to go out of my comfort zone and date different kinds of guys. Sometime I don't trust my own gut. I'm still learning.

I just wondered how other people perceived this exchange.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4111 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Inch by inch...
I still stand by my earlier post. Subtle, but the innuendo is there.

You're the frog in a pot of water. He's turning up the heat slowly but you wont know the water is boiling til you're already done 'fer...


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids (4 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6356 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should add that my view on OLD and some of the 'treasures' found on those sites isn't all rose-colored. After dealing with an oversexed XWH and his various...vices, I lean toward very cautious.

No matter what other people think, if someone feels off to me, I dont question it, I move on.
If that means I miss out on someone "great", so be it. But that also means that I'm not dealing with someone else's bullsh!t either.
Ain't nobody got time for dat!


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids (4 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6356 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ain't nobody got time for dat!

Amen Gaby!


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13722 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
lynnm1947
♀ Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I personally don't see anything sexual in his remark, but what matters is how you see it. If it offends you or puts up red flags for you, I say you should pass on the man. It means there's something about him that you don't like.


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7180 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
whatdoto
♀ Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gardening...good, dirty and sweaty. Well, that's my gardening experience. No inneundo to me. Maybe he's just being chatty.

I'd ignore and proceed on.

Now if he'd have said "I can come over and give you a hot shower." then there ya go.


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 75
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