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User Topic: When do you feel it is appropriate for the innuendos to begin?
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know what guys? I realized I'm not being true to myself. I generally post on SI when I need to work though something. I'm getting the creeps from this guy, just little things that bother me are adding up.

I've chatted with plenty of guys via email. Very few give me the creeps. The only one that did, I ignored my gut and met him, and it was not a good ending (he stalked and drunk texted for a few days).

So…I sent this guy an email and told him that I was sorry, I have changed my mind and I am not interested, and wished him well.

But, I do firmly believe that there is a reason for a gut reaction…and I will listen to mine this time.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
miadianna
♀ Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would be disappointed if someone I was interested in meeting wrote that. I got a creepy feel from it, even if it was innocent. He was testing you, in my opinion. I've had it happen.

It's one of those could be/could be not statements and if you say something about it he might say you "took it the wrong way" he didn't mean anything by it.

I'm sorry but it would be different if you were in a relationship with him already but you had not even met him in person.


Me: BS 53
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 25 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7482 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's clearly an innuendo because all those 3 words would normally be used together for sex but not normally for gardening.

So:

We had good sex
We had dirty sex
We had sweaty sex

As opposed to:

The gardening I did today was good
The gardening I did today was dirty
The gardening I did today was sweaty.

Yes, the adverb works with both but it's more usually used with sex. That's why it's subtle.

Crucially, its the way he uses those 3 words together.
Good, dirty, sweaty sex.
Good, dirty, sweaty gardening.
The first one is the far more usual use of those 3 words.

Can you check him out a bit e.g. look up the docket on his divorce. It can give some clues.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what I think of his wording. (and it's pretty irrelevant anyway since you've already taken action.......but I'll jump in anyway....)

It 'could be' kinda ick......AND also.... There are people that are really, really into gardening and find healing in 'toiling' and 'working the earth'. Maybe he's just really passionate about gardening.

Regardless of *what* he meant -- you need to trust your gut.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8088 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let's just say it is still unfolding…and I made the right decision.

He sent me an email response with some veiled…jabs. That was 3 paragraphs long.

Two hours later he texted me saying he was sad we weren't talking.

I haven't responded to either.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He sent me an email response with some veiled…jabs. That was 3 paragraphs long.

Two hours later he texted me saying he was sad we weren't talking.

I think you dodged a bullet here cmego.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13810 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your instincts will never fail you.

Good for you for trusting yours.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7605 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Late to this thread. Glad you trusted your gut, cmego.

Earlier in the OLD process, I ignored my gut reaction on things similar to this, gave the guy a chance even though it seemed a little bit "too" much...and when I did that, I had an enjoyable date, but when I continue to put the kabash on the sexual innuendo, the guy disappeared. Steve Harvey talks a lot about this in the book "Think Like a Man, but Act Like A Lady" and compares guys like this to fishermen who are fishing for easy fish, not "keepers". You're not an easy fish!


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3213 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that that you've made your decision not to meet him (good decision, btw), but I wanted to say that Jemimapd explained it well.

His comment was, IMO of course, definitely innuendo.

The innuendo would have been a yellow flag for me. The red flag would have been the disconnect between his formal tone, "....should the attraction be mutual" and the overly familiar tone of "good, dirty and sweaty." That's weird to me.

Regarding his hot, sweaty, hot shower afterward, steamy gardening comment, he was hoping for a response from you that connected his comment to sex....something like, "Wow! You make gardening sound like a lot of fun!"

Also, IMO, if you receive an innuendo like this during early communication with a person and then agree to meet, it's a bit of a green light for them. They can conclude that since you didn't respond negatively in any way, and you also agreed to meet, you must have found it enticing.

Good call on your part. I guess he will have to let his hair down with someone else, "should the attraction be mutual."


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 957 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. I am glad I stood my ground and didn't agree to meet him just because I "am nice".

I honestly had a rough night last night, a dream that he was in my house. I didn't sleep much, got up and checked my doors, etc. I didn't give him any of my personal info except for telephone number, he has no idea where I live. But, I'm still a little shaky after the email and then text last night.

I checked my "closed/hidden" OLD profile this morning and he is still "looking" at it. I'm not sure if he can see anything. Since we did communicate via OLD, even if my profile is closed, I wonder if he can see my photos? OLD shows who tries to view your profile, and it shows it was "viewed" 19 times in the last 2 days. I'm guessing he is just checking to see if my profile goes back up…which it isn't. I'm taking a break over Christmas and just have fun with my kids.

Crap. I hope he just gives up and moves on to someone else.

There are times I really wish you could "rate your dates" on OLD. Leave feedback that only other potential daters could see. I'm guessing it is too much of a liability issue.

[This message edited by cmego at 8:02 AM, December 6th (Friday)]


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Late to respond.

I'm so glad you dodged a bullet here!

Clearly I either lack boundaries or I'm just too literal for my own good!


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2010
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm dying to read what some of his jabs were.

Curiosity is getting the better of me!


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21071 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm dying to read what some of his jabs were.

I'm curious as well!


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2010
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, I had to remove a lot for identifying information, but here are some of them:

I appreciate and expect your honesty. Communications are critical at all stages, even though we have not met or been on a "meet". xx To be blunt, only you can figure that shit out.

Now regarding our brief development/correspondence, I could take a defensive approach and admonish you for suggesting to me being in the status of "separated" was not meeting entry criteria

(The first time he contacted me, I informed him I don't date S men. When he D'd is when we reconnected.)

Truth is, only you know what and how you choose to feel. Shit gets confusing when xx It's your choice, and you have made it clear. I have the choice to be persuasive or passive, and honestly I choose to be passive and let you figure it out for yourself. You are xx, and perhaps this is an opportunity to present your own argument for you and put emotions aside for a moment for validation.

The whole thing smacks of passive aggressive control. He wants me to defend myself, and I am not taking the bait. It is all an undercurrent of…something. He wants to control me and is criticizing me.

Definition of "admonish" ~ warn or reprimand someone firmly.

I'm not CHOOSING to feel something. I AM feeling something. There is a difference.

Then, after that email, and I removed probably 1/2 of it…he sends me a text saying he is sad we aren't talking. Then a face.

I have not taken the bait and have not responded at all..and I will probably poof the email after a few hours. I don't want any identifying information out there…

You know, I've had this happen to me, when a guy I was chatting with pulled back before the first date and said he had met someone in real life and he was sorry. You know how I responded?? "Cool! I hope it works our for you. If it doesn't, you have my email address."

He replied how cool I was.

So, to admonish me? Nope. He did not handle this well at all.

Gut instinct for the WIN!

edited to add…I just went to block him on Match…and he is STILL clicking on my "hidden profile". Crap. I'm also changing my FB pic.

[This message edited by cmego at 10:55 AM, December 6th (Friday)]


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, there is nothing "passive" about that email - you followed your instincts and sounds like you were right. (Honestly, you are right either way - you have to do what works for you) But the email is definitely weird...


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4614 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a tool....

He EXPECTS your honesty? How grand of him.
He admonishes you? This guy really needs therapy. Or a lobotomy. Or a swift kick to the nads....


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6540 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW!

Sir McFreakazoid sure doesn't take too kindly to be dumped.

BIG bullet dodged.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21071 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He could have admonished you?!

Oh my gosh. He's a freak.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2010
whyohwhyohwhy
♀ Member
Member # 17890
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh dear....

There was something about his phrasing that instantly reminded me of my x....

Bullet dodged.....


what did I ever do to deserve this?

Me:47 BS
Him: X, 51 PA SA NPD?
2 kids; DD14, DD8 divorced


Posts: 1043 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: east coast
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About three messages later would be the penis pics.
Ewwwww.
Faithfool, you called it pretty right!
So…I sent this guy an email and told him that I was sorry, I have changed my mind and I am not interested, and wished him well.

Good, I concur....would've done the same thing.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2335 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Topic Posts: 75
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