Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Hurtlostempty (45065)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: This is why Reconciliation is so hard
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopeful10: I know how you feel. We decided that we wouldn't talk about the future of us until mid-January. In my mind, I was determined to give 100% until January to see how it feels. What ended up happening, is me just hanging out doing the same thing. Heck, why can't I even ramp up for a couple of days? So I struggle with what you said "do I even want to?"

Ontheslope: Totally have your back! I am a complete cynic. My friend and her husband were trying to get pregnant and my inner voice wanted to yell, "Don't do it! Don't brings kids into this world, your marriage is going to crumble!" She is due this Spring, so I have to tame my inner voice.

Also, now that we are getting Christmas cards with all the family photos, I look at the husband's and wife's eyes and try and figure out who's the wayward. Man, I hate this! Will I ever be as carefree and normal again?

[This message edited by ILINIA at 2:56 PM, December 6th (Friday)]


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 472 | Registered: Jul 2013
TheGarden
♀ Member
Member # 40788
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I'm pretty much here as well.


Me: BW, 39, Him: WH, 43; married 9 years, together 13 years
DDay:July 2013; EA progressing to a PA
APs: ex-"friend" & her enabling polyamorous husband
Status: Dual-income-no-kids, 2 cats, taking it day-by-day, married till we're not

Posts: 61 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
Camille87
♀ New Member
Member # 41252
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The mention of how upsetting it is when others compliment you as a couple or as a family...it all goes to show you that looks can be deceiving!

To use this lesson in a more positive light...when you start to think other potential partners (past or present) or when your friend's or co-worker's marriages look ideal...think again! We have no idea what goes on in other people's relationships or other people's private lives!

[This message edited by Camille87 at 6:38 PM, December 7th (Saturday)]


Me: BS--42
FWH--45 (recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder)
(Two kids: a teen & a tween)
Married 20 years
R in progress
D-day: Nov 17, 2012

Posts: 27 | Registered: Nov 2013
Althea
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Camille87, I often think about this. I never really considered other people's marriages, and now I look at all of them so critically. Interestingly, WH and I probably have the best tools to have a long healthily marriage of anyone I know; but as others have said - at what cost? Sigh. Hugs to us all. This is a tough time of year.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
marionwendy
♀ Member
Member # 41303
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know Im right behind all the rest of you. I truly loved my husband before this happened. I look at him now and think to myself do I really want this? Your not the man I married, who are you? Should I stay or should I go? Our children are grown and have there own families starting, why do I feel like my feet are in cement and I cant make a concise decision? My WS has shown remorse and is trying hard to make everything right.....Do I love him the same? NO! Do I love him? Yes! I don't know if I will ever love him that way again. I hold back, my voice in my head constantly reminds me,(he lied to you for 4 months, he took his clothes off and had sex with another... don't trust him.) I don't know I just don't know! It makes me sad!


BS-49
WS-50
Married-18
Together-21
Children-2

Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: canada
Shattered-Heart
♀ Member
Member # 32165
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Move on over some more, in the same boat with you guys.
Hate Christmas, cards, the whole lot of joy right now as I'm on the lethal plain of flatness, I think. Right there with ILYBINILWY. Who are you? Not who I married. Two year old and strong family ethic means I think I should try to R, but I'm not getting what I need and I wonder if this is a dealbreaker for me, too... Totally right there with you on the cynical thing, and have had the same hand holding he's so happy and I could just puke when ppl tell me what a 'good guy' I have! Yeah, if only you knew. I'm just too exhausted to tell everyone. My own SIL (who's having problems in her marriage) said she didn't want to be there if I visited my brother because she 'didn't want to have to pretend' everything was all right. If only she knew!!! I did try to tell her I get it, she absolutely didn't have to pretend nothing's up, I'm an adult and know how rough marriage can be, BTDT (she knows about my ex), but I'm sure she's thinking how blissful my current marriage is, and it's not at all! It's just I don't want her shouting it from the rooftops about what's going on (just who she is), and judging.
I also struggle with the is this the year two crap or is it just all too much and I can't handle this all? And the stupid holidays, from Nov to Feb 14, make it worse. What do you write on the cards? F*ing lousy year, Merry Christmas?? Sigh.
(((to all)))


Me BW
Him WH
"The trick is to keep breathing." - Garbage

Posts: 180 | Registered: May 2011
vivere
♀ Member
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am pleased to read that this is common in the 2nd year. It gives me hope.

It makes sense. The dust has settled, the original shock has waned and reality has been layed out in front of us.

Speaking in general terms (dangerous I know..) most of us have probably undertaken a fair bit of introspection (I know I have) and are probably a fair bit healthier than we were (in thought). Many of us have realised that we are stronger than we thought and that alone, we would survive, (probably even thrive ).

I now know what I deserve and my history falls well short of the mark. Without the fear of being alone, I now have choices and here is where the conflict comes for me. I like WH, in spite of everything. We have good times together, the family has good times together. I have no guarantees that a life alone or shared with another would be better or even have an equal amount of 'good times'. So now it is not fear that keeps me here but a willingness to wait and see what changes continue to happen. Today is a good day though and I see progress, tomorrow might be different. It's the days where I feel progress has stopped or slowed that are the hardest to navigate.

The day I wake up and can say without emotion, 'I've given it all I've got and WH has given it all he has and it's still not enough.' That would be the day I walked away.


You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012
Althea
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The day I wake up and can say without emotion, 'I've given it all I've got and WH has given it all he has and it's still not enough.' That would be the day I walked away.

yes.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
RedRose
♀ Member
Member # 39584
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was coming on today to post this question myself.

After Dday 3, my feelings for WS changed. I wasn't sad for myself anymore, I was disgusted with him. I lately question whether or not I love him, and honestly, I don't think that I do. I am hoping that it will come back, but wonder if it is really possible to come to love him again. He feels like he is doing everything possible to R, while I don't agree, which I think is a big reason why I am questioning my feelings for him. I read on SI about many WS who are doing everything to build trust as well as making their BS fall in love with them again, and WS just isn't doing it.

Unlike Dday 1 and Dday 2, I now realize that I am worth more. I deserve someone who thinks of me like I think of him, who puts effort into showing love and rebuilding a loving relationship. I just wish I could make him feel the same way.


BW-35
WH - 35
2.5 year LTA

Posts: 159 | Registered: Jun 2013
Flatlined123
♀ Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has too much damage been done?[/quote]

I think this is really the question. We are 4 years out and I still wonder this. All the lies......the lies right to my face while he saw my cry knowing there was something wrong, but too trusting to know what and after DDay he saw me struggle to put myself back together and still continued the affair

My other question is has he damaged ME too much? I don't trust like I did. I never will. I don't trust my judgment anymore. I'm so sad I'll never trust him or anyone else completely like I did before.

He's left me with a limp I'll always have as a reminder.

For me THATS why R is so hard.


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 673 | Registered: Jun 2012
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 2:44 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

12 years post affair.

3 years post DD.

I never stopped loving my wife, I know that. Yet, there were many days that I wasn't sure what it meant when she said she loved me.

I'm still not quit sure all the time.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 999 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Flatlined123
♀ Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 5:04 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Satadinghere....That's another thing. H would tell me he loved me all through the affair. I mean seriously? "Have a good day, Honey. I love you" and a kiss before he left for work all the while planning on seeing her and having sex with her later that day. Yep, that shows love.

How do I trust any love from him now?


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 673 | Registered: Jun 2012
Althea
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Flatlined: I have to tell you that your situation is the one I fear most. That I will stick this out for another year, two years, and still be standing in this same place, where I don't know whether my inability to love him is because he damaged me too much or because I am too scared to be vulnerable enough to let him in. I want it to be the latter because that is the version I can work through and keep an in tact family for my kids; but I can't will myself to love him. If I am in this same place a year from now, I think I will call it quits

Standinghere: My WH told me he loved me through his A too. Hell, he told OW that he loved me That one has been easier for me to reconcile. I believe he did love me, but that he was so damaged and so out of touch with himself that the love was a pretty superficial one that let him live in denial about the massive amount of pain and damage he was creating. I have seen the incredible amount of work he has done on himself since we began R. When something is wrong now, even if he tells me it is nothing initially, I can trust that he will come back to me in an hour or a day and tell me what is up. He is showing an emotional intimacy and love for me he was incapable of before we began R.

Rationally, I trust he will not cheat again. Yet, I have total anxiety from time to time that he is doing just that because I was so blindsided the first time. This is the limp. Mine is a lot better than it was; but absolutely still there.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I certainly can understand how you feel. Has your MC suggested that you work on forgiveness?

My response is in no way meant to diminish your feelings. MC brought this up in our last session. My gut reaction was "not so fast…I am only now just learning about things."

I get myself into "trouble" (internally freaking out, doubting, etc.) when I live in the past. The MC said it is a choice for me to live in the present or live in the past. I think as BS we think if we put the past behind us, we are saying to the WS "What you did is ok…I am over it." If he is doing the work he needs to do, isn't part of that recognizing that what he did was wrong, damaging to himself and to others? Do you believe that he won't make the same mistake?

I remember on one of the infidelity blogs I read that one of the "mistakes" BS make in reconciliation is choosing to remain victim, choosing to look for the pain over and over again. It's a trap that is easy for all of us BS to fall into because we think that if we aren't feeling the pain, then the WS is getting away with it. Aren't we doing ourselves a terrible disservice by continuing to go there after a certain point? After all, we are making a choice to stay or go.

I am struggling to get through this part, too.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 897 | Registered: Jun 2013
Althea
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

womaninflux, you bring up a good point. I forgave my WH about 6 months ago, and although it was frightening, it lifted a huge weight from my shoulders. Yet, even with forgiveness and acceptance, there are still echoes of the pain that was caused. There are also core questions of the WS's integrity and character. This isn't anger or being the victim, it is objectively looking at the choices your WS made and wondering whether you can love someone who could do that to another person. Or as others have put it, is the damage inflicted on your and your marriage just too much? I do think this is something that comes up more in the second year because the acuteness of the pain and betrayal has subsided enough to lead to this kind of introspection. The problem of course is that the answers aren't any easier.

This thread has helped me immensely, mostly because so many are going through the same feelings. My therapist was pretty quick to blame it on postpartum depression and feelings related to once again having to put my professional life on hold; and I knew in my gut that wasn't all their was to it.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

great thread....

after his first affair I was a basket case with no recovery or healing, just survival, before I caught him in his 2nd affair. That just sunk me down deeper. I really think I could have forgiven the first one, hell I have. But I can't the 2nd one.

staying or going - I think it's entirely possible for someone to stay and remain married for other reasons than having an intimate marriage where you can be vulnerable. I think many people do. They have shared interests and get along quite well. Is this the marriage I want? Not really. But currently deciding...

[This message edited by rachelc at 9:16 AM, December 9th (Monday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5050 | Registered: Dec 2010
EaglesWings
♀ Member
Member # 41156
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So glad to read this. After 18 mos, I too am struggling with this. FWH has done A LOT, but there's a part that just can't trust it. I do love him, at times feel "in love" but that's rare.

I think that having worked through the A, we (BS) are left looking at the marriage that remains. Prior to A, I believed we had a good marriage, and when things went flat I believed it was a natural phase, we would work through. I never second guessed it. I had faith in our commitment. I knew things would get better Now when those inevitable times of flatness arise, I am confused. I don't know if it's just a phase, or if fWH is "checking out." I no longer have that "safety net." I really don't think I ever will again.

So I must decide-is this enough? I really don't know. We have fun, we laugh, we make new memories, sex is good. But something died, and I don't know if I can live without it.


Just one beggar telling another beggar where to find bread....

Posts: 54 | Registered: Oct 2013
morethantrying
♀ Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get all that is here too! Womeninflux made great points. As a BS we have some work to do on our own where we come out of this stronger, self-assured and knowing that we are worthy of love and respect. When WS is "showing this" I am so reassured, but he cannot do this 24/7....who could? So my challenge is to take a leap of faith and trust that all will go well and then LOOK FOR IT.

In the "flat times" I tend to seek the negative to "validate" my negative, scary, uncertain feelings. But that is self-defeating if I REALLY intend to move on and be happy -- negative thoughts, uncertain thoughts left to ferment will only grow....

Staying in the present, working on that is really the best, albeit quite hard, to do all the time. I often ask myself...what is happening NOW...am I okay NOW...and the answer is usually YES if I really think about my "now".

It helps to try to live in the present and not to keep looking for "what might happen next". I try to tell myself that. Take life as it come and trust in the process...because taking the leap of faith and "trusting" is better for me. Then, you can ENJOY the real present moments...

Hopeful10...at that MOMENT at the school, you really WERE a happy family....it was only your own "thinking" that dragged you down. At that moment he was feeling true feelings for you and feeling great about really loving you and his family...sometimes if you can, let yourself think "happy" and be pulled into the wonderful moment and bask in it...just be there for that moment knowing that at that moment, even just that moment, all is ok and all will be okay.

I give advice, but don't mistake, I struggle with the "moments" as well....we are TOUGH we BSs...AMAZING....let's live our moments as best we can and let the future take care of itself...no matter what MAY happen we will be okay so it is OKAY to live in the moments...I'll try to take my own advice!

[This message edited by morethantrying at 7:11 PM, December 9th (Monday)]


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 291 | Registered: Sep 2013
morethantrying
♀ Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eagleswings: I understand that feeling..something died...what has died, I think, is the "illusion" of the perfect man and marriage...I say illusion because it was not the reality...obviously! For me too letting go, grivieng what I thought I had is hard...but it was not REAL. SO that died.

But now I have the REAL thing to LOVE, if I'm seeking real Mature love. I can now love the REAL man...not a perfect man, not my "illusion" but the real and "painfully" HUMAN man...to really love, to let myself love imperfection is really incredible...and I can be proud to grow in this way...it matters not what he does or does not do, this is about my own self growth and development...ain't saying it is easy, but probably will be very worth it...how great to just "LOVE"...this is real love is it not....to love "despite" or in spite of human failings....ah, and to be honest it is not like I am perfect...though pretty close!


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 291 | Registered: Sep 2013
Althea
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morethantrying: thank you so much for your contribution to this thread.
I understand that feeling..something died...what has died, I think, is the "illusion" of the perfect man and marriage...I say illusion because it was not the reality...obviously! For me too letting go, grivieng what I thought I had is hard...but it was not REAL.
This really resonated with me. I think it is the key to moving forward. As a few of you now have wisely pointed out, living in the now is the best we can do. Let the fact that our marriage is healthy and good now be enough. Don't try to get back to the feelings that were there before, or try to compare the love that exists post-A to the love that came before. Maybe instead of concentrating on what died, we look at what was born...Pretty profound.

The day before I discovered my WH's A, I was in the shower thinking how lucky I was. I knew and loved the man I was going to grow old with, and I was looking forward to it. I was, dare I say it, smug. I still remember that so clearly, like it was this morning. I keep wanting to get back to that day. Recapture that feeling of being so sure of my future; and I have been grieving for that loss. To take the great advice offered on this thread, I think I need to reframe this. I can look forward to growing old, and the adventures life holds. If they include my WH, they include a man far healthier than the one I was married to the day I keep reliving and grieving. And if it doesn't include him? It includes a healthier me, who is stronger than I ever knew possible. It still includes my incredible children (one who might not exist were it not for the A), and watching them grow into strong, incredible women. Women who will very likely be emotionally healthier adults because their parents have worked so hard on their own FOO issues. I have all of this to look forward to and maybe it is better than the future I was hanging my hat on in the first place.

Sure, it would have been great if all of this could have happened without the A, but that isn't reality. Time to focus on the real, tangible, and GOOD I have in my life.

Thank you, friends.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 40
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.