But as a BS they must reconcile that, there is no restitution great enough.
Yep. That was a very hard time for me. I wanted my pound of flesh or eternal gratitude for being such a nice guy and giving her another ride on the wert train. Truth is it's bull shit.
I was not up to date on your story so thanks for the primer. Healing is a stage thing and really needs to be broken down that way I think.
I agree with MC and with letting go of outcomes. For both of you. What can you do is ultimately your question here, right? Be the best you every day. That is enough pressure for you believe me. Be consistent.
IMO you need a way to communicate what you are asking right now to her. MC may be that way. I don't hear you asking her to get over it, but instead want to start really connecting with her. Her allowing that again is really up to her. That said MC may be able to break that ice up a little.
I do agree that in general that the healing of the BS lies on the shoulder of the BS.
But you asked specifically about reconciling BS, and that, I believe is a completely different animal. The WS, in the case of a reconciling BS, is very influential.
The A's destroyed everything i believed about myself and the world. It made me question every aspect of my existence. What is my role in life? What do I want? Who am I? It destroyed my confidence, my self esteem, my safety, my security, my ambition. And working on myself can bring those things back. Which wasnt really that hard for me. I have come back from worse. But the problem still lies at the source.
I feel confident in every area of my life except my home. I have self esteem in every area of my life except at home. I feel safe in every area of my life except at home. I feel secure in every area of my life except at home. I feel loved and appreciated in every area of my life except at home.
Thats a scary place to be. Because it makes leaving very appealing. Knowing I will be ok without my WS has become a no brainer. Now, knowing I will be ok WITH my WS is a whole different story. That end of it I feel completely lies on her.
She is responsible to make me feel loved and appreciated, safe and secure, and confident in our relationship. I am not talking about penance or debt, I am just talking about how things should have been, how I thought things were all along.
What H really needed to do for me was simply be there, be remorseful, be loving, support me, put up with my howling pain, forgive me when I was nasty to him. I had to trust H enough to beleive he wasn't going anywhere and I was safe. He did all that. But I kept thinking he wasn't doing enough when all the time the answer was there in front of me. I needed to centre myself after I had been blown off course. I had to do that. I had to go back to the person I was before the A and learn to love and appreciate her, stop the affair defining her.
This hit me as a revelation only a week ago. That letting go of all the worrying about him, his feelings, his attitude to me and to OW, was all I needed to do. Just live, just be me and the relief is unutterable. I feel almost at peace now.
Healing is letting go of the fear.
3 children from 11 to 17.
EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?
returning to a place of peace, where you know that you are strong enough to tackle what comes your way, with or without your WS
I agree with this. Healing ME is ultimately up to me. However, I feel healing the marriage in the aftermath falls mostly on WH, not all, but mostly. At least initially.
I feel like TCD is a high-powered machine, and I am underpowered generator. And rather than go and seek out the right tool to get the job done, she continues to try and use me to limp by until I finally burn out.
And I feel like TCD will use this fact to discredit all of the advice that has been presented here. And I am very disheartened by that. I do so desparately wish to reconnect. But every attempt at reconnecting is undermined by these acts of God that are or are not happening to her.
I'm reframing your original query to, 'I'm scared about what TCD is saying. Is there something I can do?'
I am not a professional mental health person, but a long-term conviction that God is telling TCD she's worthless sounds like clinical depression to me, and it's not just your A and your slower than ideal path to finding remorse.
I don't mean to minimize her loss (and yours). Grief for a long time I can accept, and even expect, but what you describe sounds like an illness.
I urge you to encourage TCD to see her doc or, better yet, a good shrink to evaluate her for clinical depression. Today.
[This message edited by sisoon at 10:14 AM, December 6th (Friday)]
We just had a blowout over the phone, ending with her telling me that I don't want to help her, and that I should just leave her. That is so not true! I just can't sit by while she says that the three children she has are worthy of a mother, but she herself has no worth. The children she does have, in her frame of mind, do nothing to give her life worth, but the child she does not have make her worthLESS. How long can I be supportive of that thinking? She needs help, but like I said, she agrees but tells me things will only get worse if she gets help and will ultimately lead to D. Am I really and truly an awful WS because this frustrates me? Please, if I am let me know. But these thoughts of everything else defining her worth and not seeking out help are what causes the most depression and frustration on my part. I do love her! I do want us! I do want to R! This family is worth saving...
She needs help, but like I said, she agrees but tells me things will only get worse if she gets help and will ultimately lead to D.
[This message edited by 5454real at 10:59 AM, December 6th (Friday)]
Tell if ending the marriage is the result of her getting healthy, then you support that. That you will stand by her side every step of her journey, regardless of if she chooses to stay married to you or not. Reassure her that you want her to be with you of course, but let go of the result of counseling. Nobody can predict the freaking future.
And dude, don't get frustrated with her! Be patient and understanding but you can still have boundaries.
My suggestion of MC was to at least get you both in front of someone who will hopefully guide TCD into understanding she needs more. I've told her countless times and she isn't listening to some yahoo on the internets, but maybe she will listen to a professional. It is important to understand that trauma and rewire your circuits. There isn't an failings here. Chemistry is chemistry. It doesn't judge anyone. But it needs to be fixed.
Call the MC today. NOW.