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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What Does Healing Look Like for the BS?
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But as a BS they must reconcile that, there is no restitution great enough.

Yep. That was a very hard time for me. I wanted my pound of flesh or eternal gratitude for being such a nice guy and giving her another ride on the wert train. Truth is it's bull shit.

I was not up to date on your story so thanks for the primer. Healing is a stage thing and really needs to be broken down that way I think.

I agree with MC and with letting go of outcomes. For both of you. What can you do is ultimately your question here, right? Be the best you every day. That is enough pressure for you believe me. Be consistent.

IMO you need a way to communicate what you are asking right now to her. MC may be that way. I don't hear you asking her to get over it, but instead want to start really connecting with her. Her allowing that again is really up to her. That said MC may be able to break that ice up a little.


Take care..



Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree and disagree with a lot of this.

I do agree that in general that the healing of the BS lies on the shoulder of the BS.

But you asked specifically about reconciling BS, and that, I believe is a completely different animal. The WS, in the case of a reconciling BS, is very influential.

The A's destroyed everything i believed about myself and the world. It made me question every aspect of my existence. What is my role in life? What do I want? Who am I? It destroyed my confidence, my self esteem, my safety, my security, my ambition. And working on myself can bring those things back. Which wasnt really that hard for me. I have come back from worse. But the problem still lies at the source.

I feel confident in every area of my life except my home. I have self esteem in every area of my life except at home. I feel safe in every area of my life except at home. I feel secure in every area of my life except at home. I feel loved and appreciated in every area of my life except at home.

Thats a scary place to be. Because it makes leaving very appealing. Knowing I will be ok without my WS has become a no brainer. Now, knowing I will be ok WITH my WS is a whole different story. That end of it I feel completely lies on her.

She is responsible to make me feel loved and appreciated, safe and secure, and confident in our relationship. I am not talking about penance or debt, I am just talking about how things should have been, how I thought things were all along.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2628 | Registered: Aug 2012
watersofavalon
♀ Member
Member # 37984
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi time, I have just posted my own thread about this very topic. It's been 18 months since dday and I have been up and down all over the place looking for something to make me feel OK. I kept wanting H to fix me, some big THING he could and should do to make it all better. I fixated on OW for ages,wanting him to maybe reject her publicly so that I could feel chosen, I wanted him to buy me a huge replacement wedding ring. All of those things were never going to work. I was looking for constant reassurance.

What H really needed to do for me was simply be there, be remorseful, be loving, support me, put up with my howling pain, forgive me when I was nasty to him. I had to trust H enough to beleive he wasn't going anywhere and I was safe. He did all that. But I kept thinking he wasn't doing enough when all the time the answer was there in front of me. I needed to centre myself after I had been blown off course. I had to do that. I had to go back to the person I was before the A and learn to love and appreciate her, stop the affair defining her.

This hit me as a revelation only a week ago. That letting go of all the worrying about him, his feelings, his attitude to me and to OW, was all I needed to do. Just live, just be me and the relief is unutterable. I feel almost at peace now.

Healing is letting go of the fear.


Me - BW 49
H - 52
T 31 years
M 21 years

3 children from 11 to 17.

EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Dday 26/6/2012.

Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?

Getting there!


Posts: 94 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: UK
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

returning to a place of peace, where you know that you are strong enough to tackle what comes your way, with or without your WS
.

I agree with this. Healing ME is ultimately up to me. However, I feel healing the marriage in the aftermath falls mostly on WH, not all, but mostly. At least initially.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
TimeToManUp
♂ Member
Member # 37538
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so very much for your thoughtful responses. In the interest of fairness and transparency, I will say that I have not been perfect, even recently. I have gotten frustrated with TCD, expressing my concerns with how much of our time is spent on these things that we cannot control. I know she is hurting, but I know I cannot heal her and watching her refuse to help herself wears me down to my very soul. I know it is not an excuse to get frustrated with her.

I feel like TCD is a high-powered machine, and I am underpowered generator. And rather than go and seek out the right tool to get the job done, she continues to try and use me to limp by until I finally burn out.

And I feel like TCD will use this fact to discredit all of the advice that has been presented here. And I am very disheartened by that. I do so desparately wish to reconnect. But every attempt at reconnecting is undermined by these acts of God that are or are not happening to her.


I know we're worth it.
WH (Me-33)
BW (tattoodchinadoll-31)
D-Day: 12/22/11
Together 15 years, married for 10.
Three daughters, 8, 4 and 2.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: New Jersey
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe the acts of God that are happening or not happening are opportunities to prove to TCD and more importantly yourself that you are not an underpowered generator.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2628 | Registered: Aug 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TTMU,

I'm reframing your original query to, 'I'm scared about what TCD is saying. Is there something I can do?'

I am not a professional mental health person, but a long-term conviction that God is telling TCD she's worthless sounds like clinical depression to me, and it's not just your A and your slower than ideal path to finding remorse.

I don't mean to minimize her loss (and yours). Grief for a long time I can accept, and even expect, but what you describe sounds like an illness.

I urge you to encourage TCD to see her doc or, better yet, a good shrink to evaluate her for clinical depression. Today.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:14 AM, December 6th (Friday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10336 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
TimeToManUp
♂ Member
Member # 37538
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sisoon-

We just had a blowout over the phone, ending with her telling me that I don't want to help her, and that I should just leave her. That is so not true! I just can't sit by while she says that the three children she has are worthy of a mother, but she herself has no worth. The children she does have, in her frame of mind, do nothing to give her life worth, but the child she does not have make her worthLESS. How long can I be supportive of that thinking? She needs help, but like I said, she agrees but tells me things will only get worse if she gets help and will ultimately lead to D. Am I really and truly an awful WS because this frustrates me? Please, if I am let me know. But these thoughts of everything else defining her worth and not seeking out help are what causes the most depression and frustration on my part. I do love her! I do want us! I do want to R! This family is worth saving...


I know we're worth it.
WH (Me-33)
BW (tattoodchinadoll-31)
D-Day: 12/22/11
Together 15 years, married for 10.
Three daughters, 8, 4 and 2.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: New Jersey
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TTMU,
She needs help, but like I said, she agrees but tells me things will only get worse if she gets help and will ultimately lead to D.

This is a huge indicator of why she needs IC. Yes, it might lead to D. However, it might not. Letting go of the outcome, accepting that life doesn't always turn out the way we desire would be a huge step forward for her. Have you vocalized your desire for her to get better at ALL costs? Even if it is the M?

[This message edited by 5454real at 10:59 AM, December 6th (Friday)]


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2973 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly what 545 said!

Tell if ending the marriage is the result of her getting healthy, then you support that. That you will stand by her side every step of her journey, regardless of if she chooses to stay married to you or not. Reassure her that you want her to be with you of course, but let go of the result of counseling. Nobody can predict the freaking future.

And dude, don't get frustrated with her! Be patient and understanding but you can still have boundaries.

My suggestion of MC was to at least get you both in front of someone who will hopefully guide TCD into understanding she needs more. I've told her countless times and she isn't listening to some yahoo on the internets, but maybe she will listen to a professional. It is important to understand that trauma and rewire your circuits. There isn't an failings here. Chemistry is chemistry. It doesn't judge anyone. But it needs to be fixed.

Call the MC today. NOW.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6544 | Registered: Jan 2011
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man, I don't doubt your commitment or desire to help, but in this sitch it sounds like professional help is necessary. Count me with 54 and Rebreather.



fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10336 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
PinkJeepLady
♀ Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too agree with getting help, but what can you do right now to bridge to IC?
Who can you reach out to that will help you talk with your lovely wife? Friend, family or religious leader? I can see that your intent is genuine and you care deeply for your precious family. You are reaching out to us here, which is good, but who can physically help right now?
I think this does sound like a crisis situation and you need some outside help. Stay as calm and loving as you possibly can and please find someone to come to her. I don't think this is about who is "right" or "wrong", this is about a human being who is overwhelmed to a dangerous point. It sounds like your instincts are leading you to reach out for help.
Hang in there, I am praying you will find someone who TCD trusts to patiently listen to her and guide her to help. Keep reaching out for support yourself too, you need all your strength right now.
God bless you both!


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 488 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a member…
I feel she is clinically depressed, needs outside intervention and help from a professional. In no way am I saying you should stop trying, but I don't believe you can fix this with TCD until she wants it fixed and will take the steps to get herself well.
As someone else mentioned, it is very uncomfortable to say that, because I don't want that to be perceived as an attack. But I want her to be happy and well more than I am worried about hurting her feelings. I think it's past time for outside help and that there can't be any progress until she works on this very large issue.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44936 | Registered: Sep 2006
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