Me BS 48 Him WS 44
Almost 5 year LTA.
DDays April 3, April 24 2013
Led to our separation in 2010, although I didn't know why

Your own tag line supports telling the other BS. If you had known WHY you husband was detaching you might have been able to stop the A and save your marriage before it was too late. At the least, you would understand what was happening in your relationship rather than wondering what was wring for 5 years. I bet you spent much of that time trying to "fix" things without knowing how or why things were heading south.

But my situation is different from APs Obs's situation in so many ways, and it might wind up being somewhat cruel to impose my views on him. What if he'd prefer not to have the devastating truth shoved down his throat.

The golden rule is useful as a general guide, but its beauty lies in its simplicity. In my mind its too simple to be applied to complex and very serious situations like this. In this case, it might be do unto others as they would like done to them.

I don't know if he'd rather know or now. There's a good chance he would rather not know and not have his life blown up.

My situation is of course way more complicated than my tag line, and so are the consequences of disclosure.

I may have been better off knowing earlier but that does not translate into knowing would be better for him. Every situation is different!

[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 8:29 AM, December 6th (Friday)]

If you are battling within about telling the other spouse, it's for a reason. You know it's the right thing to do, but hope it won't be the final nail that destroys your marriage and sends him running. Truth is yes that could happen. Well let me tell you, by not saying anything your WH is probably losing more respect for you than you know. You are now a pushover subconsciously to him. I wish I exposed it sooner. No I don't believe the affair was still going on after discover. I pretty much made sure of that. But I didn't want my WW to think she got away with the grand daddy of all disrespects to me and let me suffer alone. I will be honest here that one of the reasons I did inform the other spouse was yes in fact for revenge. But it was only part of the reason. These were the consequences. My exWW was so f'ed up about what she did (I'm not talking about remorse here) that she compartmentalized pretty much all of it. There was zero remorse towards me and that alone made me angry enough to make that call.

In general I had a huge moment that pushed me over the edge. And that moment dealt with additional information I found out on my own. My exWW was too chicken shit even to tell me herself. That lead me to believe that there were more things (possibly more affairs) she wasn't coming clean about. She instantly became my enemy at that point. Her not telling me wasn't out of fear for her, but pure egotistical traits (maybe even some narcissism).

Please don't do what I did and harbor the guilt you are feeling. It's like a prison you cannot escape from until you let it loose. When I finally got the courage to tell his spouse and his employer (US military), I had probably one of the better night's sleep in almost a year. It lifted that weight of guilt off my shoulders and put it where it should have been all along...square back on her shoulders.

To Gman and SeanFlorida, i'm sooooo not saying OBS shouldn't be told. I do not in any way mean to imply that. There are definitely and absolutely situations when they should be told. And then there are situations when it's not clear.

People come here to SI in horribly fragile, vulnerable, scared, devastated states, full of anger, overflowing with feelings, depressed sometimes half out of their minds with grief!!! and to tell people that THE WAY is to do one thing because it's "right" can do these people, each an individual person with unique circumstances, a disservice. I know everyone wants to help!!! But to say that we know THE WAY cannot possibly be right; none of us knows THE WAY and we definitely don't know THE WAY for other people. If only it were so easy....

If you're unsure and feel like you're too emotional to make the decision right now, there is nothing wrong with waiting. Just make sure the decision is yours. Don't let your WS influence the decision.

Even though it would be hurtful and devastating I would SO much have appreciated someone coming to me directly with the information, giving me information I could verify so that I could have moved forward early on. To be the only person in the dark for all that time still makes me feel sick and humiliated and I am nearly eight years beyond D-day.

I think if you approach the ow's husband with respect and compassion and in the spirit of concern for him (after all, he is a victim, too), while he will not like what you have to say, he deserves to know.