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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: too many questions?
Dyinghere
♀ Member
Member # 41313
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there such a thing as asking too many questions or wanting to know too many details about the A?




Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: the inside of my head
cricketinturmoil
♀ New Member
Member # 41466
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you could ever ask too many questions. I haven't confronted my WH yet but I know that I won't be satisfied until all my questions have been answered.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
Cabot
♂ Member
Member # 41485
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You find out as much as you want to know if you are trying to R complete truth must happen if they won't answer the they are not will to give you complete truth. But make sure you are ready for the answers to the questions you ask.




Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2013
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Sad  Posted: 5:30 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope... But be prepared to not get answers to all of them. My WH has been the model of remorse and openness, but really can't remember a lot of details. He wasn't thinking clearly, so his memories are just as unclear as thinking.

But also prepare to hear things that you probably don't want to hear. And truthfully, it's those details... That usually mean they are being truthful.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 5:32 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA (tt, uncovering much more) d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 (full confession)"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah

Posts: 2011 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Dyinghere
♀ Member
Member # 41313
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, what I mean is, are there some things that to know the answer would only hurt me to hear and him to answer, and that serve no purpose towards healing?

Do I really need all of the details? Do you?




Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: the inside of my head
whichwaysup
♀ New Member
Member # 41539
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that's up to you to decide. Once I knew what was happening, I needed to know every detail. Including where they did it and even how. I wanted to know how he got aroused & if that included BJs (of course my WH was paying whores so those may not have been the same questions I would've asked if it was a long term EA). Anyway for me it was the sneaking & lying that hurt the most, so the more I knew the stronger I felt.
Listen to your gut. Sometimes I would ask a few questions & if it hurt too bad I'd stop. Then when I was ready I'd ask another.
Good Luck!!!

Posts: 27 | Registered: Dec 2013
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It depends on you honestly. If you are at all unsure - I would say write them out, if they still bug you in a few days - ask. If your not sure you want the answers now but are worried about "memory loss" - write them, have WS write them back and put the answers somewhere safe for IF you decide you want them.

Sadly I am in the group of had to know EVERYTHING. If I didn't - I was making stuff up and that was usually worse. Some things, I wish I didn't know honestly. But with my personality there was no healthy way around it. At 14 months out, I still get new questions. Most detail type questions don't get asked - I know enough. If I get a question on what he was thinking or feeling - I tend to have to ask those.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
myowndystopia
♀ Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want answers. But- so far my WH won't admit or deny anything. He will say it's inappropriate for us to talk about or he is not ready to talk about it or why would I want tondo that to myself..... But to me without the knowledge it's worse. I'm not sure I need the nitty-gritty but LTA? ONS? How many? Is it someone I know? How long? So I Don't know- and hence dreams of my cheating bastard husband with neighbors, prostitues, OW he met on dating sites..... It's endless because I have no answers! I'm not saying one kind of infidelity is better than another but for me the not knowing is difficult.

I think it may be different for everyone in terms of what they need to know to move forward


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 348 | Registered: Nov 2013
AlexFL
♂ Member
Member # 40966
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted every detail and didn't get them so I had to track down the ONS and confront them (not in an angry way bc they didn't even know he wasn't single). But honestly I am still amazed on how I found this person. I honestly begged GOD to help and I swear to you, in seconds it had landed right under my nose.

I did get answers from the ONS but what I didn't realize that infidelity infests your entire relationship and you have multiple Ah-Ha moments when you are sure that you missed the clues as they happened. And then you are 100% sure that this cheating has happened on other occasions. So it makes you want to know more and more and more until one day your so exhausted that you're like, "I do mot even care to hear any more"

At least that's what's happening with me.


Posts: 143 | Registered: Oct 2013
Dyinghere
♀ Member
Member # 41313
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would actually give anything to read the deleted emails, but I can't retrieve them.




Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: the inside of my head
MammaMia
♀ Member
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's up to the individual to decide how many details are necessary. My advice to you - regardless of what questions you ask- is to ask in such a way that he cannot answer with a "yes " or "no." That is way too easy for the WS.

For example: do not ask: did you sleep with her?
Instead, ask: how many times did you sleep with her?

Example: was it just one place you slept with her regularly, or did you have other spots you went to? ( even if you have no clue what is going on, make him think you do.It's key to getting answers closest to the truth.)

When I sat down my H to ask questions, I told him that he did not know how much I know, how I know, and what I know, so he better tell me the truth. In reality, other than the emails, I had no clue.

I also told him that I will not accept answers as " I don't know," " I don't remember," or " I forgot." He still tried but I told him to cut the crap and tell me because he does remember and he does know. It did go much better after that.


And once the storm is over, you wonít remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you wonít be the same person who walked in. Thatís what this stormís all about.Ē

Posts: 813 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

are there some things that to know the answer would only hurt me to hear and him to answer, and that serve no purpose towards healing?

I think this is vastly different from person to person, but the advice our MC gave me was to remember that once I know something I can't UNKNOW it. Now I've got it forever.

So, you kind of have to figure out what the lesser of the evils is. Would it be harder to know something icky/horrible or harder to wonder about it.

I didn't ask hardly anything about the sex. I asked about one particular thing bc I was having nightmares about it and I figured if I just knew once and for all it would make them go away. It did, but now I have daymares about it. Which to me is worse and I wish I hadn't asked.

Just be careful and think about what you NEED to know.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1039 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there such a thing as asking too many questions or wanting to know too many details about the A?

Short Answer: NO!


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6084 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there such a thing as asking too many questions or wanting to know too many details about the A?

Short Answer: NO!


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6084 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 14

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