For myself, the perspective changed. During the A, it was all unicorns and rainbows. AP was a dark brooding sort. And I found it "fun" to make him smile or smirk. I''ll spare you how I did it. When I got a reaction from him, I was happy and/or proud of myself. Woohoo, go me.
Memories of AP4 haunt me.
What does that mean? Because that''s the heart of my pain most days. I''m wondering how my H can think about what he did to me, without thinking about his AP... and I don''t want him thinking about his AP. I''m afraid ''memories of AP haunting me'' means he''s thinking about the curl of her hair, or the way she looked at him, or the way she ran her nails down his back... ?
Now? When the flashbacks and memories hit, I get sick. I see his smirk in my mind and what used to be a thrill, is nauseating. Any memory I have of him now is in the right perspective. I see him for the Black Hole that he is. I see him for the poison he was. Yes the memories are there, but they''re not good ones.
A friend posted a song in her FB feed a week or so ago. Great song, but one of the musicians in it is a dead ringer for AP4. (who ironically is a musician/music producer) I instantly felt sick and ashamed of myself. Not because I missed the AP or was fondly remembering things from the A, but because I know the damage my brokenness caused. I hurt my husband terribly with this man. That makes me feel terrible.
So the memories are there, but it''s just not the same.
Does that make any sense?
[This message edited by Aubrie at 7:53 PM, December 6th, 2013 (Friday)]