Today, I brought up some of the dumbass shit The Princess has been doing. That swung into what a miserable twat she was through our entire marriage. Then I started into the whole process of creating our separation agreement.
The bottom line: I'm fucking pissed off, and spent the whole session talking about it. Suddenly our time was up. The time FLEW by.
Sometimes I really miss the sadness. I used to have these phenomenal days of crying, and would actually feel as though I had accomplished some healing. Now the anger just burns and burns - no relief in sight.
I hate being angry and having nothing to do about it.
In response to that, my shrink said, "Some people cry, some exercise, some punch pillows, some play music, some drink heavily. Not all of those methods are healthy."
I said, "Done it, done it, never done it, do it regularly, did it a hell of a lot! Still no joy."
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous
I hate being angry and having nothing to do about it.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
All those external things somehow don't add up to feeling whole.
Every once in a while - after a good workout, at work, and always when my kids are around, maybe even a good cigar, I get glimpses of the way I once felt, for a while anyway.
The only thing I know is to keep looking.
[This message edited by Merlin at 10:31 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
I was in the full-on rage stae for about 2 years. I used to beat the garbage can and break plates. That helped me (until the day I was beating the garbage can with a pair of grilling tongs the broke and then struck me in the face....I think that was the last time I did that )
Try different things, besides drinking or drugs, to get a physical release for the rage. Otherwise just try to enjoy what you can in life -- your kids, a sports team winning, artistic outlets, hiking in nature, fixing cars, ... whatever activity that has soothed you or brought you joy in the past. It may not bring you full joy right now, but it will still be soothing.
It will take some time to work thru your rage so you do need to find things to get your by day to day.
And of course you're right. She is doing absolutely nothing to heal, while I'm building a new life for myself. Someday this will all feel better. "Someday" justs seems a hell of a long way off for Anger Boy.
I feel like I'm doing the right stuff. I'm learning a new programming language, trying to find a job so I can quit being self-employed, writing a blovel, a tiny little bit of exercise, immersing myself in my music (I have my first solo gig early in the new year!), actually making and hanging out with friends. It all helps.
I guess what I want is like the old prayer goes, "Grant me patience NOW!"
I took up running. lol. It seemed to help me work it out physically and I always felt better after. Then I succeeded in the best revenge I could devise --- Live the best life and happiest life I can
during this first part it looks like you're all left out and miserable and everything is going great for her. Then one day you start to get better and you start to see how things aren't how they appear. That great life she seems to have will unravel while you continue to get better.
I think I'd prefer rage to this horrific sadness and despair, but who knows.
I hope and wish for peace for all of us.
And hell for them :-)
1- kickboxing class. You said you exercise some, but if you haven't tried this I highly recommend it. I find it much more therapeutic than running, swimming etc. It leaves me feeling sweaty, accomplished, empowered, and drained (in a good way).
2- Reading here, especially in JFO, and reminding myself how many others have it worse than I do. Spouses who've been left while pregnant, or with no ability to support themselves, or after 10, 20 or even 30 years of marriage. My anger becomes for them, how anyone could DO such shitty things to them... and that releases some of the anger I have for myself. Does that make any sense?
Also you said you've tried everything and "still no joy." Just my opinion but I think if you're aiming for joy at this point, you're setting yourself up to be disappointed. Aim for indifference, acceptance, calm, peace, etc. Don't seek joy. It will find its way to you, probably when you least expect it.
((Hugs)) to you.
Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin
Set a goal, and harness the energy.
And you're probably right: Joy is a little much to expect at this point. I'll try to start with "not murderous", and see where I go from there.
theres a rumor going around that you got skills. indulge them.
do you have both parts down for dueling banjos yet? until I saw the movie deliverance, I was never impressed. never again.
brother, she isn't even worth your anger!
[This message edited by 5454real at 10:11 PM, December 7th (Saturday)]
This whole tragic process plays out in stages. Shock, sadness, anger, acceptance, progression. Take your time and feel each stage because its all part of the healing process. If you were to tell me you felt nothing, then I'd be concerned. But your feeling it and while it don't seem like a good thing, it is. You have to climb the mountain to get to the valley.
^^THIS. A thousand times this.
Rage cleaning and rage walking helped me enormously. My bathrooms were scrubbed to within an inch of their lives. My house was spotless. I do miss the rage cleaning.
These days just the memory of how hilarious rage walking looks is enough to get me out of a funk.
trust me, during this first part it looks like you're all left out and miserable and everything is going great for her. Then one day you start to get better and you start to see how things aren't how they appear. That great life she seems to have will unravel while you continue to get better.
I was never angry before D-day. Never. It was never my first inclination...took so much for me to have an emotional reaction.
Now...oooh boy. I literally ran with my rage.
It's ok to rage. Turn it toward a positive outlet...running, composing music, projects around the house (I did a lot of digging in the garden as well!)
I've been through most of the stages, but anger does unexpectedly pop up (well, they all unexpectedly pop up) but I assure you working through it is much preferable to what ex-shat is doing. And I have it on good authority that his life is in the process of unravelling.