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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Apparently I'm a good rager
Pass
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Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been talking about a lot of shit with my shrink lately. Today, I had a full 45-minute session with him. I often feel like I don't have enough to tell him, and am wasting his time. Today was different.

Today, I brought up some of the dumbass shit The Princess has been doing. That swung into what a miserable twat she was through our entire marriage. Then I started into the whole process of creating our separation agreement.

The bottom line: I'm fucking pissed off, and spent the whole session talking about it. Suddenly our time was up. The time FLEW by.

Sometimes I really miss the sadness. I used to have these phenomenal days of crying, and would actually feel as though I had accomplished some healing. Now the anger just burns and burns - no relief in sight.

I hate being angry and having nothing to do about it.

In response to that, my shrink said, "Some people cry, some exercise, some punch pillows, some play music, some drink heavily. Not all of those methods are healthy."

I said, "Done it, done it, never done it, do it regularly, did it a hell of a lot! Still no joy."


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1804 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
IrishLass518
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Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will find what works for you or the combo that works for you. Please watch the drinking though. It does take time to process it all and your emotions. You have every right to be angry, no one signed up for this Hell. Just keep one little thing in mind, you are going to heal from this, she won't. 2 years from today, you will be so much better because you cared enough about yourself to deal with this pain. It does get better.


Me: 45 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 22, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1701 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see the "fucking pissed off" stage as spurring you past the weepy, sad stage....in a good way. It's your psyche's way of saying "NO MORE of being treated like THAT! Who the f*#k does she think she is to do THAT to me??!!??"

I hate being angry and having nothing to do about it.

Maybe there's something wrong with me, but I kinda like that the loop in my head in regards to stbx always starts with: "go fuck yourself."


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7884 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Merlin
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Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have known little peace since D-Day. And it's been a long time now.

All those external things somehow don't add up to feeling whole.

Every once in a while - after a good workout, at work, and always when my kids are around, maybe even a good cigar, I get glimpses of the way I once felt, for a while anyway.

The only thing I know is to keep looking.

[This message edited by Merlin at 10:31 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Dreamboat
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Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The anger/rage stage is very difficult. Sometimes you can use the emotion to drive yourself to do things for the benefit of you and the kids -- that is how I got thru my D. But other times it just eats you.

I was in the full-on rage stae for about 2 years. I used to beat the garbage can and break plates. That helped me (until the day I was beating the garbage can with a pair of grilling tongs the broke and then struck me in the face....I think that was the last time I did that )

Try different things, besides drinking or drugs, to get a physical release for the rage. Otherwise just try to enjoy what you can in life -- your kids, a sports team winning, artistic outlets, hiking in nature, fixing cars, ... whatever activity that has soothed you or brought you joy in the past. It may not bring you full joy right now, but it will still be soothing.

It will take some time to work thru your rage so you do need to find things to get your by day to day.

(((hugs)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Pass
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Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Irish. I was drinking a lot every night when i first moved out, but have seriously cut back: A couple glasses of wine on Saturday night, and a few glasses when I go out with a buddy every few weeks. Other than that, nothing. I'm pretty sure I don't need the depressant!

And of course you're right. She is doing absolutely nothing to heal, while I'm building a new life for myself. Someday this will all feel better. "Someday" justs seems a hell of a long way off for Anger Boy.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1804 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Pass
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Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, a pile of replies while I was responding to IrishLass!

I feel like I'm doing the right stuff. I'm learning a new programming language, trying to find a job so I can quit being self-employed, writing a blovel, a tiny little bit of exercise, immersing myself in my music (I have my first solo gig early in the new year!), actually making and hanging out with friends. It all helps.

I guess what I want is like the old prayer goes, "Grant me patience NOW!"


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1804 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
IrishLass518
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Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then you are well on your way trust me, during this first part it looks like you're all left out and miserable and everything is going great for her. Then one day you start to get better and you start to see how things aren't how they appear. That great life she seems to have will unravel while you continue to get better.


Me: 45 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 22, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1701 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
ninebark
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Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Angry is normal and expected. It sounds like you are doing lots to find healthy outlets for that anger.

I took up running. lol. It seemed to help me work it out physically and I always felt better after. Then I succeeded in the best revenge I could devise --- Live the best life and happiest life I can


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
7yrsflushed
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Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

during this first part it looks like you're all left out and miserable and everything is going great for her. Then one day you start to get better and you start to see how things aren't how they appear. That great life she seems to have will unravel while you continue to get better.
^^^This. I will just add that even if your EX's life doesn't unravel it won't matter to you. I was stuck in what seemed like a perpetual loop of anger for awhile. Then one day it kind of went away and I didn't care anymore. I still get pissed on occasion but for the most part I am too busy living my life to give a damn about STBXWW.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1884 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Lostandpregnant
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Member # 41433
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just keep letting the rage out..I imagine it's better out than in.

I think I'd prefer rage to this horrific sadness and despair, but who knows.

I hope and wish for peace for all of us.
And hell for them :-)


He left me 18 weeks pregnant with twins for another.I am a Licensed Private Investigator..it even happens to us.

Posts: 354 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks y'all.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1804 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
gypsybird87
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Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The anger stage is frustrating. I'm mostly past it but I do fall back into it once in awhile. When I was in the worst of it, what helped me was two things:

1- kickboxing class. You said you exercise some, but if you haven't tried this I highly recommend it. I find it much more therapeutic than running, swimming etc. It leaves me feeling sweaty, accomplished, empowered, and drained (in a good way).

2- Reading here, especially in JFO, and reminding myself how many others have it worse than I do. Spouses who've been left while pregnant, or with no ability to support themselves, or after 10, 20 or even 30 years of marriage. My anger becomes for them, how anyone could DO such shitty things to them... and that releases some of the anger I have for myself. Does that make any sense?

Also you said you've tried everything and "still no joy." Just my opinion but I think if you're aiming for joy at this point, you're setting yourself up to be disappointed. Aim for indifference, acceptance, calm, peace, etc. Don't seek joy. It will find its way to you, probably when you least expect it.

((Hugs)) to you.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So use that angry energy! When I hit the anger phase, I had just started training for my first 5k.... Whenever I was feeling angry, I would go running. That 5k trained itself and the anger dissipated over time.

Set a goal, and harness the energy.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13656 | Registered: Jul 2011
Pass
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Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm. Exercise is NOT my first instinct. I tend to gravitate toward the couch - and misery - when I'm feeling at my shittiest. I don't know if it provides any long-term relief for me, but it definitely helps in the short-term to get me over immediate badness: A 45-minute walk gets me through almost anything. Maybe I need to investigate other options as well.

And you're probably right: Joy is a little much to expect at this point. I'll try to start with "not murderous", and see where I go from there.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1804 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
5454real
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Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

okay, exercise is not your first option. music is is it not?

theres a rumor going around that you got skills. indulge them.

do you have both parts down for dueling banjos yet? until I saw the movie deliverance, I was never impressed. never again.

brother, she isn't even worth your anger!

[This message edited by 5454real at 10:11 PM, December 7th (Saturday)]


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2686 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
stronger08
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Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This whole tragic process plays out in stages. Shock, sadness, anger, acceptance, progression. Take your time and feel each stage because its all part of the healing process. If you were to tell me you felt nothing, then I'd be concerned. But your feeling it and while it don't seem like a good thing, it is. You have to climb the mountain to get to the valley. But once you get there its a pretty good place to be. Hang in there bro. You will find your place in the world real soon.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5593 | Registered: Nov 2007
Amazonia
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Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't say I wanted to be running! I made myself go, whenever I felt that anger welling up. Sitting on the couch is passively letting your anger be in charge. I'm challenging you to do something about it instead of just waiting it out. Maybe not running, but find somewhere/something that you can use to redirect and work through it. You'll have a positive by product and rhe anger phase will pass more quickly that if you wallow/try to ignore it.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13656 | Registered: Jul 2011
SBB
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Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This whole tragic process plays out in stages. Shock, sadness, anger, acceptance, progression. Take your time and feel each stage because its all part of the healing process. If you were to tell me you felt nothing, then I'd be concerned. But your feeling it and while it don't seem like a good thing, it is. You have to climb the mountain to get to the valley.

^^THIS. A thousand times this.

Rage cleaning and rage walking helped me enormously. My bathrooms were scrubbed to within an inch of their lives. My house was spotless. I do miss the rage cleaning.

These days just the memory of how hilarious rage walking looks is enough to get me out of a funk.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5527 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
tesla
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Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trust me, during this first part it looks like you're all left out and miserable and everything is going great for her. Then one day you start to get better and you start to see how things aren't how they appear. That great life she seems to have will unravel while you continue to get better.

^^I second this.

I was never angry before D-day. Never. It was never my first inclination...took so much for me to have an emotional reaction.

Now...oooh boy. I literally ran with my rage.
It's ok to rage. Turn it toward a positive outlet...running, composing music, projects around the house (I did a lot of digging in the garden as well!)

I've been through most of the stages, but anger does unexpectedly pop up (well, they all unexpectedly pop up) but I assure you working through it is much preferable to what ex-shat is doing. And I have it on good authority that his life is in the process of unravelling.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4608 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
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