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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I've come to an understanding that has helped me so much
watersofavalon
♀ Member
Member # 37984
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H is remorseful. He has done what I asked him to. He has tried again and again to reassure me that he loves me and can't be without me. But.....I was still so insecure. Nothing he could do or say would fill that void. I was constantly watching him and wondering what that look meant, the smile meant, why did he laugh, what is he thinking, what does he think of me, does he think of her.... I was never satisified for long because something would always happen to start me worrying again. So unhealthy, pointless and exhausting!

He didn't make me insecure, I always have been a little, he just gave me an excuse to allow my insecurities full rein. He can't fix that. All he can do is to provide me a safe place to fix it myself. He has done that. The rest is up to me.

SO I JUST STOPPED! I stopped looking to him for reassurance. I have started to look to myself, my own abilities, my own qualities, for happiness and security. Whether I love myself, that is what really matters.I am worthy of loving so why wouldn't he love me? If he doesn't it is HIS loss not mine.

It's like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I can stand up straight and look ahead.

(Title was meant to read 'I have come to an understanding!!)

[This message edited by watersofavalon at 6:06 AM, December 6th (Friday)]


Me - BW 48
H - 51
T 30 years
M 20 years

3 children from 10 to 16.

EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Dday 26/6/2012.

Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?


Posts: 74 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: UK
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Huge. Awesome. Congratulations.

I am happy for you.

It's a good feeling, yes?


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
watersofavalon
♀ Member
Member # 37984
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's amazing!! I keep smiling at random people and singing to myself.


Me - BW 48
H - 51
T 30 years
M 20 years

3 children from 10 to 16.

EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Dday 26/6/2012.

Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?


Posts: 74 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: UK
eachdayisvictory
♀ Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for posting this, I needed the reminder.

It's amazing to see that when we turn our attention to ourselves, the result is often a sounder, more respectful interaction with our spouse. We do need to be working on ourselves, but the WS needs to be understanding and supportive of us when we are acting looney or feeling unable to change our focus.

It's the least they can do.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 378 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
Tresemme
♀ Member
Member # 31185
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is something i needed to hear...thanku ... im happy you shared this and your post is spot on ..i bookmarked this and need to read this often...


(Me)Bw late 30s
On 5/1/10 I learned I hired a succubus as a live in nanny and that she was preg w an OC! Status-planning my escape ( im physically afraid of him or idve filed for D already)

Posts: 433 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Florida
morethantrying
♀ Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

great post! Yes, we BS need to recover ourselves, worth and love. Great inspiration there!


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 283 | Registered: Sep 2013
Flatlined123
♀ Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 4:58 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. This is a great reminder for me.

I could have written the top part of your post. I think I'll have to give the bottom part a try.


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 664 | Registered: Jun 2012
watersofavalon
♀ Member
Member # 37984
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all your replies.

One amazing thing that has come about as a result (I think) of this is H has been more spontaneously physically affectionate. He is doing things like stroking my hair as he walks past, rubbing my feet when we sit on the sofa, little non-sexual things that make me feel safe and loved. He was walking on eggshells for so long I think he was wary of approaching me, I think that now he has sensed I have relaxed and let go of the fear.


Me - BW 48
H - 51
T 30 years
M 20 years

3 children from 10 to 16.

EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Dday 26/6/2012.

Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?


Posts: 74 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: UK
KatieG
♀ Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excellent waters, I love this and you have really helped me so thank you.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 417 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 9

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