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Newest Member: BWayne77 (45340)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I'm in shock
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First I am so sorry that this is happening.

Is there any way that this discussion can take place in a counselor's office so the kids have a counselor on hand and it is neutral territory? Then you all can go back to the kids home and he can sit with them in a room and share time/info with them as needed. It would put everyone in a safe and comfortable place to hear this information, leave OW out of the mix, and allow a counselor to guide things for the kids.

The kids need to feel safe more than OW needs to be there. This is their dad who they are going to lose, she is an after thought. They do not need to have her as part of this discussion and it may just stop them from feeling comfortable enough to talk about how they feel. Please suggest to your ex something like this so he understands that the kids need to be in a place of safety and comfort when they hear that daddy is dying.

My heart goes out to your kids.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Texas
ArkLaMiss
♀ Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Soverybetrayed. You and he only should be there since this is about your children and helping them transition. If she wants therapy time, let her schedule her own on her dime. Those kids need only to be surrounded by the two people who brought them into this world. I fail to see her need to be part of this discussion or to be present at all.
Very sorry for you and the kids.


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jun 2007
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Movingfast, I am so sorry for you and your children. This will be beyond tough. I am a little shocked at myself for thinking this but I think your ex's plan may be best. I feel that it would be hard down the road for the kids to be reminded of the exact spot where Dad sat when he told them the news. For the rest of their lives they would live in that house and see that spot.

I also agree with you that he is the one who is dying, all you can do is support him in his final months. Whether right or wrong, this is all the time he has left, he needs to have a say in how the time goes. ((((HUGS))))


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1777 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
storm77
♀ Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saying a prayer for you, xh, and the kids. Sending you a hug as well.


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What sad news. I think you are incredibly strong and kind to allow him to have ow there during this. Wow.

I know you are making the best choices for your kids. Sending hugs.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
movingfast
♀ Member
Member # 32306
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you again for your thoughts and support.

I had another friend bing up the point you did, IrishLass518. Maybe it will be best to hear the news somewhere other than their home. It would be difficult to curl up in their favorite chair if it was a constant reminder of hearing the news their Daddy is dying. Although counselors may be in our future, I also don't think that is the right setting for the news. I want them to feel free to react however they will react and be there to comfort them.

As far as ow being there, it's the emotional state championship us in. He's afraid of dying alone (aren't we all?) and since she said she'd be there with him, he's clinging to that. I think he wants her to feel part of everything so she doesn't change her mind? Personally, since I knew her before/during the A, I think he's putting his trust in the wrong person. She's not strong and she's not stable and she doesn't deal well with those responsibilities being put upon her. But, it's his choice. I think he knows, deep down, that I always will be there for him and he's relying heavily on that, especially when it comes to the kids, but based on our couple conversations, I think he's counting I me to get there in the end and to handle funeral arrangements. It's weird. I don't carry animosity or resentment towards him. I've forgiven the A and I've even forgiven him for leaving us, because he's even come close to admitting, he had it all and he gave it up. He's lost a lot through his A and our divorce.

So, anyway, having ow there is his way of not alienating her in any of this. I'm getting more okay with it. I know when this is over, she will be out of my life for good. I know my children see her as a "fixture" and not significant. She could disappear tomorrow and they wouldn't blink. In actuality, I think she'll be more uncomfortable in the situation than she thinks.

We didn't end up telling the kids over the weekend as planned. Xh just couldn't find the words. I think he's scared, understandably. I don't agree with delaying telling them. We live in a small town and my fear is the kids will hear it from a friend who overheard their parents talking. But, as I told him, this is his life, so I will try to follow his lead.


Me BW: 46
Him WH: 48
DD: 5-20-11
M: 14 yrs. Together 15 yrs.
Children: (4) ages 14 and younger.
Divorced: 5/24/13
**my apologies for the typos... I login off my tablet and the "smart" type isn't always so smart.

Posts: 266 | Registered: May 2011 | From: movingfast
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to talk to him about setting up the kids financially, getting any of his family heirlooms, etc. it needs to be iron clad, especially if he marries OW.

Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Oftencheatedon
♀ Member
Member # 41268
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so very sorry for your children.

As for him and OW all I can say is - karma.


Posts: 109 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: AL
Topic Posts: 28
Pages: 1 · 2

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