It has to be my fault, doesn't it ?
First, I just want to say welcome neighbor. I'm in Houston
Second, no this isn't your fault at all. Most of us immediately think we did something to cause our partners to cheat, but reality is we didn't. She made a choice to cheat. And yes, sexting is cheating.
Check out the healing library. There is a lot of useful information there. Also, check out the "I Can Relate" forum. There is a topic for Betrayed Men there and you will find a lot of support there from other men.
Anyhow, keep posting. We'll help as much as we can.
Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.
She violated your trust. That is cheating.
She violated the sanctity of your sexual relationship and your bed. That is cheating.
She had cyber sex. That is cheating.
She lied to you about it. That is cheating.
She knew what she was doing was wrong and did it anyway. That is cheating.
She took something that was private and between you and she and made it someone else's fantasy. That is cheating.
Usually, on line sex, especially with someone who is known and with whom in real life contact can be made leads to in person sex. I would really wouldn't trust that they did not have sexual relations since he is someone that she knows, had in real life contact with, visited every month. Cyber sex is often a precursor to in person sex. Keep checking on her behavior and on line activity. Sometimes when it is discovered, affairs continue underground. She needs to go no contact with him as much as possible since he is someone she works with.
I'm sorry that you've found yourself here. We call it the club no one wants to belong to. But it is a very supportive club. You'll find help and understanding here. It takes time and work to get to the place where you can "accept this and move forward", it isn't something that can be rushed. The I Can Relate forum also has a thread for the spouses of cheaters who work with their affair partner. Check out the article in the healing library that talks about no contact contracts. Keep posting, keep reading, you'll find support and help here.
Welcome to SI. Please review the site guidelines (link below). We have a no politics guideline. No names, jokes, polls or debates are allowed.
Also, you will find a wealth of information in our Healing Library (link below).
The whole time reading your post, I thought.....she has had to spend a few days each month with this man out of town for 5 years but never any sex!?!? After reading all of the sexual stuff in their texts, plus he is supposedly not getting any at home, but yet nothing EVER happened? Just not sure I could buy that one.
How is she acting now? Did she come completely clean and confess everything? Is she remorseful? She should go no contact maybe even if it means she has to switch accounts at some cost to her professional life or even switch jobs. It is going to be hard for this to end between them if they see each other regularly. Finally , you owe it to the betrayed other woman to tell her what her husband and spouse have done. Online and physical affairs are fantasies that end real quick when real life breaks into the fantasy. Secrecy helps the fantasy to continue.
"I did NOT cause this, My wife is broken, and needs help, she did not choose to do this because of anything I did or did not do in our relationship."
YOU are not the cause of this. IT was her choice to do this, and I suspect that she felt like shit about herself for a long time, and whenshe lost the weight, and became an empty nester she started getting good compliments, and liked the way it felt, she enjoyed the extra attention, and she was off to the races...
YOU do need to do a few things to protect yourself, one go to the Dr get tested for STD's talk to the Dr about meds to help you sleep, and eat if you are having trouble with that. You know one thing for sure and that is your wife is pretty good at hiding things and lying to you, so you really need to make sure that you have not been exposed to any diseases, and if you are considering staying and working through this I would make her go get tested as well. If she fights this, then she doesn't get what she has done, and will most likely continue to do it, and lie to you.
You do need to see an attorney and get advice on how things would play out if you have to head down the road to D. The reason I say this is because many people choose to stay, or feel stuck because they are so afraid of the unknown, or assume they know what will happen, and often they don't have accurate information, plus you need to protect yourself financially.
No Contact absolutely needs to be established with this clown, and if she is unable to do it beccause of work then she needs to start looking for a new job. PERIOD. If he has a spouse she should also know, and no matter what he has told your wife, you don't know what the home sitatuation really is. Again all you do know is he has questionable values, and boundaries.
Again if she is unwilling to do this, and unwilling to be an open book to you then she doesn't get it, and you won't be in a good position to heal.
You do get to be in the drivers seat as far as recovery goes. You get to make all the decisions, it really is quite a gift for the BS to offer up R.
Know that you didn't cause this, know that your wife is broken and needs help, and until she figures out her why, your relationship is at risk. R is possible but it takes time, and hard work from both spouses.
Keep reading here, keep posting, and know that you are safe here.
Something else that is bothering me, is that anything mentioned in there messages to one another, like her boots, or a song lyrics, now infuriate me. I used to love Pink Floyd but play it now and you might get punched in the mouth. I feel like little pieces of my sole are getting torn off every time, and the whole is getting bigger by the day.
My H did his cheating via text, phone calls and FB also, so I know what you're going through.
It's fun knowing that, as soon as you were done having sex, she was off to tell him. That her thoughts of his activities were what she focused on, not you, not the mood, but telling him. Oh, the joy, right? Yeah, mine talked about our sex too. It's disgusting, and a complete invasion of privacy, and the trust that has to be there for a good, healthy sexual relationship is gone.
As far as telling his wife - you should tell her. Who cares if he sweats or loses sleep. If she had discovered this, would you want her to tell you? Besides, you only found evidence of this one man with your wife. What if that isn't true on his end? What if he has a few women, or dozens? His wife deserves the truth, just like you did. How would you like knowing that everyone knew but you? Also, she will watch him the same way you are now watching your wife. Isn't two better than one?
I'm sure this was an ego boost for your wife. Getting a guy off just by telling him about herself? Of course! The weight is gone, the kids are gone, and she's feeling better about herself. You couldn't give her that boost because she knows you, and you're supposed to want her. This guy? Well this is forbidden, but he wants her so much he's willing to risk it. The thing is he was using her just like she was using him. It's a sick game these cheaters play - they all want that validation, that ego boost, because inside they feel low and useless. Sad that to get their egos boosted we get to be crushed, huh?
So just know this is not your fault, in any way. This isn't what you did or didn't do. This is her, her issues, her brokenness, her cheating.
Please, tell his wife. You don't want to share the pain - that's nice of you, but again, would you rather have the truth and this pain, or would you rather keep being lied to and thinking your life was just fine? I think I know the answer. Please. let her in on her real life.
Three years ago I found out that my WH was texting another woman OFF THE HOOK!!! It was actually his friend's GF. Anyway, I was devastated and hurt. He claims that they were only friends and that she'd talk to him about her boyfriend. I even talked to her on the phone. She said it was nothing and that she would NEVER be with a married man, "I've been cheated on and know how it feels. I am so sorry if you felt that way because I would never do that to someone!" Ya ya, whatever whore. Anywho, about a year and a half later I checked his phone record, the first time I'd ever snooped on him in ten years. They were still texting, sending extremely explicit pics, talking on the phone for hours, and I'm certain meeting up. I watched this for six months (along with the other women's numbers that I didn't recognize). I finally left one night when he was out of town with "Friends". He came home and I had literally cleaned the entire house out. The only thing left was a recliner and all the pics of her and the ones he had sent her, the phone records of all the corespondents he'd been having with multiple other women, and a note that basically said I'm done and my divorce papers will be in the mail. Well, I went back (I know, fucking stupid). We went to counseling, he became a better dad, blah blah blah blah. I've known for the past two years that it didn't ever really stop. I was lying to everyone and pretending for my then four year old, and my now 11 month old, that I knew nothing. I had come to the conclusion that I'd just share him forever and act none the wiser. One night I woke up and realized WTF am I doing?!?!?!?! What kind of person does that to themselves? And how will my children have any self respect for me or know what a real relationship is if they were to ever find out the lie I'd lived?!?! Soooo, I finally left him three months ago. In the weeks before leaving him I found soooooo much more proof: concert tickets that they'd gone to, pics of them on FB, he had a secret FB account, instagram, twitter, ashley madison, and match accounts. And now to top it allllll off, she is due with their baby in 13 days.
The main reason why I'm posting on this is because he has still NEVER admitted to any of it. The baby registries were a mistake, he never hid anything, they're just "sports" friends, the naked pics were ones his friend had shown him because they were supposedly sleeping together (magically on MY laptop)....He still tells me that he has NEVER cheated on me and that they just texted and talked always about sports. The part that bothers me most is that he has that whore around my children. He denies that to, but my five year old comes home and tells me about her time with daddy and WHORE is always there. Of course I just act like that's awesome to my daughter, I would never make her feel like anything out of the ordinary or wrong is going on. The cheating, baby, verbal and mental abuse, none of that bothers me, believe me I AM USED TO IT AFTER 13+ years!!! What bothers me is the turmoil our kids are going through and the fact that I literally have to flirt and pretend there's a chance for him not to be a monster. I JUST WANT IT TO BE OVER!!!!!!!!!!!
YESSSSS sexting is cheating, that's how it starts. And from my experience, once they get a taste for the thrill, they will do it again. Good Luck!!!
That being said, please take some time and get into IC if it is available to you. I read your post that you used sexual relations to hurt her. Gently, please step back. Violence, physical or sexual is never an answer, even if it's only a little.
This could be a deal breaker for you. I don't know. Only you can decide that. This is a terrible road to travel and I wish you strength.
Should there be any acceptance, forgiveness,or sympathy for the devil? Do I really need to listen to her side of the story? I often wonder if I don't have it backwards, am I loosing her, or has she already lost me and I just don't know it yet.
I know spying on her phone was wrong as well, it does show a complete lack of trust, and have since removed it. Is it possible, can we fix what is left? Should I , if not for the marriage for the kidís sake ?
Is it worth seeking professional help, for both of us?
Spying-->the new buzzword these days is transparency. BS should have 100% access to all devices. I don't think you did anything wrong.
Reconcilliation- lots here have (including me) and lots have divorced. That's a personal choice, but give it time before you decide.
Stay for Kids sake- depends on the situation. My wife and I lived separate lives in the same house for a year or better (before I knew of affair), my DD needs therapist to this day to deal with her trauma during that time. If you look online, a lot of adult children say they wished their parents had split sooner.
Professional Help- suicide attempt indicates she is in need of it. Having gone through such a traumatic event, you should go as well. Becaue your daughter was forced into it, she may need IC or FC as well. My FWW hated the thoughts of IC and should have had it years ago, now she goes and really feels its worthwhile. If affordable, MC can also be a big help. Be aware though, not all Councellors are made equal, so shop around.
[This message edited by cvs2kkids at 1:08 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]
She no more will have that power over me. I can make, and will make, my own happiness. We we're a good team at one point, but I am great as an individual!!
Then came the last straw, she played the lawyer card, I cant live with this, go get the messages, it will prove I did nothing wrong, and you will lose me because you donít trust me, I will see you in court and the you will loose everything.
Heard that before in regard to her work phone records, and then I found out the truth too. It sucks to be here man, but at least you know the truth now.
For me, like you I think, it's the lying that is unforgivable. I looked straight into my WW's eyes on more than one occasion and asked her a question that I already knew the answer to. I couldn't tell she was lying, and it seemed to be so easy for her. That's what scares the crap out of me as far as trying to R goes.
I wish I could help more, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone in this.
Hang in there man.
My WH never actually slept with the OW. It was all emotional with a few kisses apparently. I still consider that cheating. He gave to HER what he should have been giving to ME.