So basically, I'm hysterical after getting off the phone with the umpteenth unhelpful person. My mortgage is due, I have a ton of bills piled up waiting for this money and Christmas to boot. I had to call the Gnat and explain what was going on since, he had to do some things on his end to fix the problem. Although, this truly was not his fuck up and he was as pissed and upset with them as I was.
I was so upset and crying while explaining the problem to the Gnat. His voice suddenly started to crack and he just kept saying "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've put you in this situation". Well, the floodgates opened. I unleashed a fury of pain and frustration on him like you wouldn't believe. It went something along the lines of "SORRY? SORRY? YOU'RE NOT FUCKING SORRY! YOU SYSTEMATICALLY PLANNED TO FIND A WHORE AND WALK AWAY FROM OUR FAMILY WITHOUT BOTHERING TO NOTIFY ME ABOUT YOUR PLANS. YOU ENCOURAGED ME TO BE A SAHM, SAYING IT WAS BEST FOR THE KIDS, WHEN YOU WERE PLANNING TO ESCAPE ALL ALONG! I COULD HAVE BEEN BACK IN SCHOOL OR FURTHERING MY CAREER, BUT NO, I'M STUCK WITH YOUR STUPID ASS SUPPORTING ME WHILE I PULL MY LIFE BACK TOGETHER FOR ME AND MY KIDS! I JUST WANT TO BE DONE WITH YOU. I DON'T WANT TO RELY ON YOU FOR ANYTHING. I WANT YOU OUT OF MY LIFE!"
Yeah, I lost it big time. It of course had little to no effect on him and I didn't really expect it to. It did however, feel good to unleash some of that anger. It felt oddly cleansing in some way. The end result is that I think (fingers crossed) that I got the child support issue worked out with the state. However, I won't know for sure until next week. In the meantime, the Gnat agreed to float me the money until I get paid. He brought me a cashier's check tonight when he picked up the kids.
I'm still reeling tonight from all of the stress and crying today, but feeling somewhat at peace. No worries, I'm back to going dark on him. I don't like being vulnerable like that in front of him, but I just couldn't help it today. I think the stress of the upcoming holidays and all of this BS just put me over the edge. I'm so ready for January 1.
I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I hope the check issue gets worked out.
I imagine "learning" NC is like anything else - a process. There are going to be ups and downs.
I so sorry but I completely understand. Some days all the stress is just too much and everything just hits you in the face. Hoping tomorrow will be a better day!
Don't beat yourself up over the broken NC and your letting loose on him. I did the exact same thing last night. And like you, I felt a range of emotions after: anger, shaky, emotional, but today a coolness. I guess it just needed to come out.
Now let's get back on the wagon!
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
I still slip up every now and then. Like playing chicken, I suppose.
I think most of us would have lost it in the same situation.
Each time you break NC it strengthens your resolve a little more.
But... when you get good at it you get GOOD at it.
Its a bump, not a detour. Dust yourself and hop back on board.
[This message edited by SBB at 8:27 AM, December 7th (Saturday)]
I don't feel better though, I feel 10000x worse.
Don't beat yourself up.
Lostandpregnant- I think the only reason I don't feel horrible is that I never gave him the opportunity to respond to me. I know he would have said something stupid like, I'm sorry I hurt you, but I was in lurve and didn't love you anymore., etc. Which of course would have made me feel like crap. I'm sorry that you feel that way today. I've been in that situation many, many times myself and I think most of the others have too.
You wouldn't believe the ego kibbles I gave the sad clown for those first few months. Epic rants. EPIC. All in writing too - can you imagine? I cringe just thinking about it.
Same here, except replace the word "months" for YEARS! Ugh! Makes me want to barf.
It's ok really. You are human. And I think there is nothing wrong with a little cathartic release sometimes. Get back on the NC horse and don't look back. :)