so, the last two weeks since D-Day have been a roller-coaster. I go from being content to sad, and then feeling high to sobbing on my bedroom floor. I'm asking, does this sound like a big step forward(for myself and/or my relationship), or just another roller-coaster high?
Yesterday was a "sobbing on the bedroom floor" day, I did it twice.
The first time, me and BF were fighting about my one deal breaker over text/phone. Then he sent the text "So much for you changing. you sound exactly like the MIS that no one likes", referring to my insecurities about this one issue. and i broke, it hurt so bad coming from him, that I broke. I felt the whole of the loss due to my actions, and i became overcome with grief; loss of who i thought i was, loss of my relationship, loss of my best friend, loss of my self respect, loss of my sense of security. The weight of the disappointment from both him and myself.
He then came over and picked me up off the floor, I couldn't look at him, I just kept repeating how low I am, how pathetic i am, how worthless i am, how much I hated myself for what I did to us, how I hated that I was so broken. He then said something along the lines of "well, since you're so low and so broken, while you're down there, maybe now you can start from scratch and put those broken pieces together the right way this time, from the ground up".
He held me then, apologized for the fight earlier and agreed to the deal-breaker, and told me that he loved me for the first time since D-Day. After that, I felt much better, lighter.
But the universe decided I hadn't broken completely, for the second wave hit harder.
I was getting ready to go to a friends house for a get-together before we all go home for the holidays, and I found out one of BFs friends was going, so I asked if 'friend' knew about what I had done because I was afraid he would slut-shame me in front of everyone. BF said of course he knew, so I asked who else knew. Turns out, he outed me to everyone on his facebook, and its been up since d-day. I didn't go to my friends house. i didn't leave my apartment. i couldn't leave my room. The weight of the shame, embarrassment, rejection, humiliation weighed on my chest like the weight of everyone who knew combined, and BF said i deserve to feel that way. This pain was second, only to D-Day. every feeling i had felt earlier that day came rushing back, and I sobbed on my floor for two hours.
When I got up, I decided I wasn't going to feel that way again. I keep reading that acceptance is one of the first really big steps, so I chose to accept. Accept that; I am the only one to blame for my actions. that I caused the pain of another person. that he will never view me the same way again. that I will always be marred, though with time and hard work, the blemish will become smaller, though it will always be there. That i will always carry the weight of my actions, I just need to become strong enough to carry it so that it is no longer an interference in my life. That I dont need anyone else to validate me, that I'm responsible for my happiness and my actions "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" goes with any emotion really. I wrote this on my dry erase board to be a constant reminder.
I let go of everything that was pressing on me; the shame, humiliation, disappointment, insecurities, low self esteem, hatred, everything. I also let go of "needing" BF. Did I want him? yes. Did i love him? yes. But do I need him? no.
All day I've felt a sense of peace I haven't felt in a REALLY long time. So i'm asking, this sense of peace and clarity real? or just another high point on the roller-coaster? I know there will be plenty more good days and bad days, but I feel so sure about thisMad Hatter
Together 2 years
my ONS->1 mo EA abroad
after D-Day BF admitted he had broken NC with EXGF (EA)